[Archive]

Thanks for the responses, everyone! It's been great to get all this advice, and to hear how others have worked out their open adoptions. I went to talk with my counselor, Becca, today to talk to her about maybe coming up with a contract with Greg & Michelle. She told me, much to my surprise, that the agency has never done openness conrtacts. They encourage birthfamilies and adoptive families just to talk it out and let things flow naturally. That way, no one seems 'tied down' to a particular schedule and a more personal and understanding relationship is built. Also, she was concerned that if I presented Greg & Michelle with this idea so late into the birth of the baby, that they would sense that something was wrong, or that I was upset with the way that things were going.

I think that I was over-reacting a little... <<sheepish grin>> I had just started missing my favorite family when I posted my original message. Well, today, a wonderful package arrived on my doorstep. It was full of beautiful pictures and some Easter gifts. One was a picture frame that has three little windows in it. Michelle had filled two of the windows with the cutest pictures of little Eric, and left one empty. To me, that's like an unspoken promise to fill that empty space with more pictures later on. It was a wonderful gift, and I tearfully called them to thank them for being so generous and thoughtful. Poor Greg answered the phone and had to sit there while I sobbed through my little thank you message. But he graciously accepted my thanks, and was so glad to hear that I enjoyed everything. We talked all about Annie and discussed plans for all five of us to take an afternoon picnic while she's here. (hurry up, May 10th!)

Thanks again for all the responses... And Amber, I am so glad to hear how your realtionship with your daughter's birthmother evolved. What a great story! Oh, and the calling cards are a great gift idea! (Lucky for me, it's not long distance to call Greg & Michelle!)

-Jenn

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Jo

Hi I was interested in what people had to say about contact with birth families. I am a single parent adopter of a 4yr old daughter who was placed with me at 2 yrs and I am in the process of adopting a second child. My daughter has no contact with her birth mother but we do meet with her older brother (who is still in care) every 6 weeks.Her younger brothers adoptive parents do not want direct contact. The maternal grandmother also sees the older brother and I have started to feel that Ellie should also see her grandmother. This was mooted during the adoption process but not taken seriously by the SW's because the grandmother was being uncooperative with regard to photographs of the mother - who cannot be found - but now I am thinking more of what is best for Ellie....and I am not sure how to go about it...direct or via SW's. I was also interested in reading the comments by other single adopters, I was very lucky in having Ellie and hopefully will be as lucky a second time! Having her has changed my life completely from being a career based person to a complete home body! So much so that i have now left work and returned to study so that I can be here for Ellie and her little brother/sister for the next few years. It means very little money but lots of time....and who knows maybe we won't be a single parent family forever, although it's Ok if we are too. Wish I had known about this site when I was going thru' the process. I found it hard going at times going it alone. Felt that much of the process was couple oriented and didn't take into account a single parents concerns...but it worked.
Good luck to all of you still waiting....wish my Ellie had a bmum like Jennifer....maybe one day she will turn up I hate that my daughter had to have abandoned on our adoption forms. There is a lot to tell her about her background altho for now a simple edited version is fine.
Any views on wider family contact?
Thanks
Jo

[Archive]

Dear Jo~

My mom (Eric's birthgrandmother) has regular contact with the adoptive family. She sometimes goes to visit with me. Sometimes she calls Greg & Michelle and has a visit by herself. She sends them cards and tons of cute baby things in the mail. Eric's relinquishment has been very difficult for her, and I know that it makes her so happy to be able to keep in contact with her first grandchild. Eric's birthfather's family also has regular contact. I would try to include as many people as possible. After all, you can never get enough love! Just make sure that any contact is comfortable for you. Discuss everything with your daughter first, and make sure that she understands who these people are. I know that she's still a bit young, but I'm sure that a patient explaination will make her feel more comfortable with these people, who are in reality strangers to her.

You mentioned that the birthgrandmother was hesitant or uncooperative to share pictures of your daughter's birthmother... If the two of you do end up having contact, try to talk to her about getting some pitcures. As an adoptee, I can tell you that pictures of my birthmother are priceless. It's so fun to sit and study Annie's every feature, finding similarities in our smiles and other features. Ask the birthgrandmother to consider sharing pictures, as they will be so important to your daughter in later years.

Thanks for sharing your experience, and welcome to the board!

-Jenn