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Originally Posted By Courtney

Well I guess it's my turn. I feel awkward because while things are ever changing for all of you ... I never have any new news. At least, not with my son. The way things are now is the way they will probably stay for quite some time - and I have to daily remind myself that the wait will one day be worth it. I read about the months or the weeks that all of you have to wait ... and I get so sad for you - then I realize that my wait has been ten years and will probably be another ten. So it's very difficult.

So many things in my life are changing right now - and while I trust God with all of them, it's hard. I feel that beacuse I don't have any new news, and I can't relate completely to what's going on in your lives ... that maybe I'm growing apart from many of you, and that's been a big burden on me lately. (See chopped liver post! lol) ALso - I've had several e-mails from young girls considering adoption and it's been emotionally traumatic for me. Perhaps I am undergoing a new level of healing ... but it is not easy. With my sister being pregnant - she is not talking to me and she is trying to deal with this all on her own. I think it's because of my last e-mail to her where I told her that I just couldn't bare to loose another baby in this family and that if she chose not to parent then I would take the baby, because this family has lost two children already and we just can't loose another. I feel like I pressured her and I feel terrable - but at the same time ... I don't feel bad because I think, What the world is wrong with my family when we have children and give them away - or question our ability as a family to raise them? It infuriates me.

I was asked to contribute a part of my story to an adoption book coming out next year. At first I was overjoyed, btu as I sat down to write it ... I became filled with sorrow. What truth DID I want to share to the world? It wasn't all pink clouds and happy kisses ... what are MY truths?

I got a phone call late last night from an adoptive mom whom I've gotten close to - she has a two week old baby girl. She was frustrated and tired and she told me she had asked herself why in the world had she done this? She was like any new mommy - exhausted!!!! But still ... I couldn't help but think of the birthmom ... all alone without her baby - and I wanted to tell the amom she should suck it up and be happy and stop complaining. And when I thought that in my head I nearly got sick. Where did that come from???? Why was I thinking thoughts like that??? So last night, I was supposed to moderate a new chat for Abuse Survivors and I had to call and cancel because I hurt my neck badly and was on pain killers, but also because I was an emotional wreck. I just layed in bed and prayed. I don't know what is happening to me. But as I was praying I realized that I have some hidden, tucked away emotions that it's time to deal with.

God showed me that sometimes, I base how I feel about my adoption by you guys, and this forum. If everything is good and I'm feeling loved and supported and I feel like I'm making a difference ... then I'm fine! I feel like it's all worth it. But the moment I feel secluded, or forgotten, or if I'm not making a difference ... the bad feelings creep in.
I can't believe i"m telling all of you this - I HATE feeling vulnerable. But I just needed to share it with you - it's part of my journey and I guess that's what we are all here for. As I prepare for my book to come out - a lot of spiritual things are happening. All of that insecurity and fear is coming up ... and I feel liek that little girl in the corner rocking back and forth ...

Okay - this is way too long. Anyway - I'm really okay, this is just part of the journey I suppose and I just have to grin and bare it and go through it praying for grace and wisdom to learn what lesson God has for me. I wanted to thank Jenn for being so great to everyone - and I'm so glad that she's bonded with all, especially since I've been a little distant. Jenn ... you are the birthmother I wish I could be. I wish Skye was here ... where are you? I need you.

Sorry I skipped out on the chat ... I just felt like I wasn't doing any good there Tuesday night and I left. I need to spend some personal time in prayer and figure out what the heck is going on with me!!!! lol So there ya go .. your moderator is just human and in her weakest element ... but I'm grateful for all of you - I can be weak because you are strong. What a great group of women you all are.

In love,
Court

[Archive]

OK Girl....

You better try REAL hard to make it to Denver this weekend so we can get together!!!

The Auntie in me is dying to sit with you and hold your hand and give you someone to lean on (even if it's just for a while). Oh and, of course, give you a great big squeeze!!

Give me a call so we can get together!!!!

LOVE YA, Michelle

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Colleen

COURTNEY,WE LOVE YOU!!!!Ok I'll quite down a little.I read your post and I thought oh yes thats it, the emotional rollarcoaster of human life. There are days, when I am so jealous of bmoms ,I would love to feel my baby move inside of me. And I think what are you so upset about YOU made this chose. Before I became involved with this group of women posting here, I thought I was a compassionate person. But now because I know so many of your stories, I understand, because you are my friends, the people that hold me together when i'm just not sure how to go on, I care about so many of you deeply,that I feel your pain.Those of you, Courtney, Skye and Jenn that are bmoms have given me so much. A **birthmom** that use to just be a word to me,(except for Derek's) and
now that I know your stories, it has new meaning when I hear that word now, I think of you, and the pain that being a bmom has caused your heart, and I want to protect you. You have been through so much and I don't want someone to hurt you as I feel you are already wounded. You are not just a bmom to me, you are human, and as such I expect you to have your ups and downs. We do not expect you to always be up, those are the times we will help carry you through. In your pain do not turn away from us, we want to know how you are. Don't see me as just an amom because I am more then that, I am a friend, I am a wife, I am a mom,I am a daughter, a sister, but all of that and more rolled to gether makes me Colleen.Courtney, I can't beleive I am going to tell you this, when you said your sister was pregnant I though, Courtney, tell her, tell her I want the baby. BUT then my second thought was how hard this must be for her and for you. I wish that would have been my first thought, but well I'll let you in on a little secret...I'm not perfect.LOL.We missed you when you left early Courtney, we were worried you didn't even say goodbye, Jenn and MichelleP and I wanted to talk to you and those of you(like Drama) that left early, and of course we missed Skye(a peice of our group is missing!)You do not need to be more like Jenn, she is at a different place then you, her son's adoption is different then yours, she is a different person then you.(Love you to Jenn) So just be yourself, we love you for who you are. By the way sometimes I wish I was more like Drama, she just always seems to know what to say and how to say it, actually there are many people here like that, and I just feel like I come off as an idiot.I have to go, but Drama's right we needed to post, post ,post. My love to you all.Colleen

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Originally Posted By Drama

Dont you dare think you are not needed...YOU ARE....For starters...Part of it is my fault...When you pulled away..I should have moved closed instead of letting you pull away..I wasnt sure what you wanted....There has just been something happen with Jenn and I...I cant explain it...But Court to be honest...I feel some of that with you...the reason I dont feel it stonger is bc you wont let me get close...you have this wall up and it is tall and thick....I have tried to jump over it, scale it, and catapult myself over it but when I reach the top I see that you have a thicket of Briars on the other side...Pain is something I usually dont run toward but away from...Even though there is a huge difference in me and you..I think maybe we share more than u think...Not sure what abuse Survivors is...But I need to be there...no more comments....Court..Please quit pulling away and rejoin us again-as Courtney..not as this untouchable bmom or whatever-but as courtney...our lil court....we love you and miss you.....ps....Im here on the other side of the wall...Comon over? Love Drama

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Courtney, don't you realize that part of the reason I'm the birthmom I am is because of you!?!? You have been so important to me these past months. Always offering honest, sincere advice and uplifting responses to my quesitons, concerns, thoughts.... You are a blessing to me and everyone else on this board.

And, you don't have to be "growing" in the same way as us to be a special part of our little group of friends! We all have these differences, and that's what makes our riendship so special. We all have different experiences to offer each other. If anything, I don't see you falling away from us, I see you leading us down the next brightest path!

And some day, I know that you'll be sharing some good news updates with us. And we'll be there to thank God with you when you do!

All my Love, Jenn

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No kidding, Colleen. How does Drama do that??? LOL.

Love you guys, Jenn

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Hi How do I join this great group of Moms? I'm an aMom of a beautiful, smart, 12 month old little girl. It's an open adoption with a family member. Need some advise from bMoms-my little girls Mom won't talk to me.