[StephanieMB]

We are adopting our youngest, who we got at 5 weeks old as a foster placement. He is now 13 months. The parents recently voluntarily gave up their rights, but the mom and the maternal grandma would like to remain in contact with us.
We are okay with that.

His first name doesn't go with the rest of our names. We want to change just the first name and keep his middle name the same.

I know we have the legal right to change his name... all of it, if we wish. But I don't want to hurt his mom and grandma more than they already are.

Were you deeply crushed if your child's name was changed at adoption? If the situation could be done over again, what would you, as the child's first mom, have done different or wished the adoptive family have done differently?

I know this is a sensitive subject. We hope to stay on good terms with our baby's family and realize that in the long run, it will be best for him.

[momof9wantingmore]

We just finalized the adoption of our daughter a few weeks ago. We very much wanted to change her name, given the nature of what brought her into foster care in the first place, her unusual name was very recognizable in public. The parents relinquished voluntarily (although there would have been an involuntary termination by the courts if they had not done so.) I know that her bio mom did not want us to change her name, but we felt we had good reasons to give her a new name. We did change her name at the adoption, we haven't told her bio mom yet that we did so, we have an open adoption agreement so eventually she will have to be told, I know she will be very upset and given her personality she will be very angry, I do feel sorry that she will be upset, but we did not create the situation that brought her into care and we felt we needed to do what was best for our daughter. Remember that as hard as it may be, this is your child and you need to do what you think is best.

[childrenRblessings]

We adopted our daughter from foster care at the age of six, after two and half years fostering. At the time of adoption, we kept her name, but added a second name to the middle to be called as one name, for instance like the first middle name was "Jo" and then added "Anna" to make "JoAnna". A few months after adoption, our daughter really wanted to be called by her new middle name. We made the switch over and a few years later, her new name comes naturally. Bio-family members did have some difficulty accepting it, but we didn't push and they have come to mostly call her by her new name. I just try to be compassionate towards them about their loss, but at the same time realize how important it is for kids to be able to say, "My parents created my special name". For our daughter, she needed to put her very chaotic life of abuse beyond her and bond. Part of that process was the new name.

I'm sure it's different for you because your son is so young, but I'd guess as he got older, that he would appreciate not having a name that sounds "different" from the rest of the family.

Blessings ~
Abigail

[StephanieMB]

Thank you for both of your responses. It helped me put it into perspective. It's true that we got this baby because of some very serious things that were going on in his family at the time. So as hard as it is for them to accept, part of the consequences of their poor choices are accepting his adoption and our choice of a new name.

My mom says i do too much thinking. I try to think of all sides and all the ramifications of any decision I/we make. LOL Perhaps I should be more spontaneous.

[momof9wantingmore]

I know what you mean about overthinking things, my DH says I do the same thing. I agonized over our decision to change her name and how it might make her bio mom feel, my DH was always firm in his resolve that she needed a new name to go along with her new life, a life where she will always be cherished and always kept safe!!!

[ladyjubilee]

LG's name is being changed. I moved his first name to his middle and named his first name after my brother.

I'm sure it may well be painful for his birth family....but as part of the preparation for relinquishment, their lawyer explained it could happen. Like a lot of things in life, it may hurt, but it just is. Sometimes the consquences of our actions hurt.

[ad.kelly84]

[momof6maybemore]

Be understanding of how the birth family may feel but do not make your decisions based on their feelings. You are not responsible for the pain they feel and nothing you can do will take away that pain, nor should you feel obligated to do so. Your first and only priority is doing what you feel is best for your child and your family.