[soonersfan]

Hello! I am an adoptive mother to a wonderful little boy. We were supposed to have a semi-open adoption with pictures and letters once a year, but his birthparents have chosen no contact at all. I am just trying to gain a little perspective on this because it breaks my heart for my son. The pictures and letter I sent to the agency last year are still sitting there, and it is time for me to send this year's. Is it just too painful for them? What do I do when G is old enough to ask questions?

Of course, I will continue to send pictures, letters, and even mementos. I will hope and pray they will request them some day. I would like to know what sort of things you would appreciate receiving. Would you like pictures that show interaction with adoptive family or just solo pictures or both? What about the letter? What would you like to know? I included everything I could think of from his favorite foods to illnesses, etc. Is there anything I shouldn't include?

Thanks for your thoughts or any advice!

[fenton77]

Hello soonersfan, I have an open adoption and was in contact for the first three and a half years regulary but had a really rough patch in life and didnt stay in contact for four years. I have since been contact again. I love to hear about everyday things including interactions with his family. I am very lucky to feel the way I do about my adoption experince. I am 200 percent confident in my decsion to give the couple I choose the gift of a child. Anything that you think is a kodak moment she will think so too. My sons mom used to write me letters as though they were from him. I thought that was really special to see it through his eyes...lol She might not be ready yet or has drifted off but hopefully she will come around soon. I hope I may of helped a bit.

[SunshinesMommy]

I placed my son not even a month ago and we have a semi-open adoption. I haven't recived any updates yet, since it hasn't been that long, but I don't think I could ever not atleast pick them up. Even if I weren't ready to look at/read them, I'd want to have themfor when I am ready.

As far as what I would in updates, everything! Of course the big stuff, first word, when he started walking, crawling, sitting up by himself, first day of school, but even the little stuff would be awesome. Personally I'd love to know what my son's favourite book is. I know some birthmothers might not want pictures with the adoptive family in them, but I wouldn't mind. I think it would be nice to see how they "fit" together. I know looking at them I would place myself or my SO in their place and it would be hard to look at a picture of say my son's amom playing with him, but I would still cherish it.

[susie_book]

Open adoption can be really, really hard--I know there's a study out there saying that birthmothers actually grieve more in open adoption. My son's parents are fantastic people, and I enjoy seeing them--but I get sick after every visit, and I dread them beforehand. It's just so hard.... I think you can honestly tell your son (if they don't get back in touch, which they might!) that they placed him in love, but that losing him broke their hearts. They had to go away for awhile because seeing him reminded them of what a wonderful little boy they had lost, and it was just too hard for them, but wherever they are, they love him and they think about him.

[soonersfan]

Thanks, everyone, for your advice and your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

Susie- what you said was very touching!

[crick]

While I can appreciate wanting to make sure your son knows his bparents love him, I wouldn't put the guilt on him of telling him that losing him was so difficult or that their hearts were broken. That's just a lot of pressure for a child, imo.

I think I'd just lean towards honest but with information you actually have. "I don't know why they haven't stayed in touch, but I know they love you and hopefully one day they'll get in touch." Sometimes as a parent we really want to take hurt or confusion away from our children and yet we really don't have that information to do that with. Sometimes we have to say "I don't know" and work from there.

Jmo...