[quantum]

Short story...
Birthmother in closed adoption, found son 2 years ago when he was 21 even though his amom was against it, she's been having a hard time dealing with me (as in she had called adad when I found son and said 'our worst nightmare has come true'), changed her tune when she found out my family was staying a few days with son and his adad and stepmom...

So I have been behaving very kindly to her, I don't play up the similarities between me and my son and so on. I sent her a mother's day card etc.

She wants to add me as a friend on Facebook. My first reaction, PANIC. I have referred to my son as 'my son' a few times in regards to pictures and so on, how will she feel about that? Will I have to censor myself on Facebook now? It kinda bums me out. Or should I not care really?

I've sent an email to my son voicing my concerns (that it will upset her or make things hard on him).

Am I overreacting? I can't not friend her! She'll take that as an insult. I don't really want to go through and edit myself.



Any advice? support?

[Dickons]

Quantum,

No words of wisdom but have been told you can set your facebook up with different levels and that may be the best bet. Make an ultra private section and then have an aquaintence category as it seems she is trying in return from your mothers day card?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[loveajax]

I know that eeeek feelong! My dd's bmom gave me her myspace page and sometimes I wish I didn't know it. I am not on facebook.

Your son is "your son" so I wouldn't feel bad about that! But I do think I would feel a little weird...I don't like editing myself! Good luck!

[teacher22]

Quantum,

I seem to be on Facebook way too much nowadays so I have noticed a few things. You CAN set different levels of privacy while having people be your "friends" However, I do notice that if you post a picture, and someone else comments on it, it seems like it is a little more accessible to the "world". This is just what I've noticed with friends of friends who I don't necessarily know. Look into the privacy settings to be careful.

I don't think you should edit your posts or anything that you've already made though. I hope amom will see that you love your son and she will be able to "accept" a little more. I hope that coment doesn't offend anyone! It just seems like everything takes time for everyone to get used too.

Hang in there!

=) H

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm definitely with the others on the suggestion to play around with the privacy settings.....I have a "group" on my Facebook of people I work with - I've made it so that they can only see the pictures I've put up of me with my family, on vacation, etc. I'll admit, I have a few pictures of me partying, drinking, nothing horrible, but things I don't need bosses seeing!

You could do something similar with your pics.

I found out a lot more about the privacy settings when I was considering using them to block bdad from certain things.....(even though in the end I didn't "accept his friendship" anyway) Even though I blocked bdad, I certainly know that wash of "WHAT DO I DO????" ((((((hugs)))))

[lahdh4]

You can do that (privacy) with your pictures. I did it before I took down photos of Supergirl from FB when my Mother joined (she does not know)

[quantum]

I guess the super tricky thing is that the picture that I've been boasting about is my current profile picture of me standing between DH and son! oops
We'll see what son says, maybe amom will just have to deal on some level. I've established who she is kwim?

[browneyes0707]

I used to have a myspace account, and my daughter's a-mom requested me as her friend. At first I thought it would be a great way to keep in touch, swap pics etc, but she never took advantage of it. Plus it made me a little uncomfortable, I felt like she did it to keep tabs on me, since we did not use it to communicate, I wasn't even sure why she had a myspace since I was her only "friend". I have no problems with her knowing things, but I felt like I was always afraid one of my friends would post something that could be misconstrued, like an off color inside joke, or that pic of me at 20 doing a keg stand would somehow resurface and I'd be judged unfairly.

I eventually deleted the profile and kept up my FB one, since more people I know are on there. I've thought about looking for her mom, because I think it would be cool for her to get to know the everyday me, but truthfully it's less stressful, and I don't have to worry about censoring or grouping everything

[thanksgivingmom]

Q, then I think maybe talking to your son is the best way to go. If HE'S comfortable with the way you refer to him and stuff, then THAT's what's really important at this point.

Also, with the pic - I think she can still see the pic but wouldn't be able to see the caption (I think) since it's your profile pic. If you hid the "album" or whatever, it would still be private.

[saj]

Amom here. I really feel like you should just do what it feels right for you to do. My children are still young (9 and 10). We adopted through foster care while kids were toddlers so they don't remember bparents and bparents are now lost to us. But I do know that someday my kids or their bfamily will be searching for each other. So I guess I kinda feel like its my job to make my children comfortable enough in their own skins and our relationship as a family to search and be sought after without hurting anyone. I feel for your son's amom, but I can't help thinking that if everyone else is okay with this reunion that she may need some therapy on her own to move forward. Quantam, you shouldn't feel the need to "walk on eggshells" all of the time. Just feel free to be whom you are. You are his birth mom, you are not in competition with his adoptive mom. If she feels that it is a competition then that's her problem. I think its lovely that you are concerned for her feelings, but he is now an adult and should be able to make his own choices in building relationships. I think you should just be yourself and let her be herself. Life's too short and family relationships are too important to quibble over pictures or comments on Face Book. We are not in middle school anymore. This is just mho.

Sincerely,
Saj

[Amandak249]

I think that secrecy is bad. I don't think you should have to hide your love for your son because the amom could be experiencing some insecurities. Perhaps a neutral "tag" such as " me and Matt!" (obviously use your birthson's name) rather than" me and my son." You could even put something like, " me and matt- reunited June, 2007."


That way, you are showing everyone on FB how proud you are of him, without throwing it in the amom's face ( as you suspect she may see it that way?) I think any use of a possessive word should be avoided. What if amom realizes that you are "hiding" something from her? (which, if she has any knowledge of facebook-she will notice that you are revealing less information than the average profile) and that sets her even more on edge? Why the secrecy? That man is both her son, and your son, but as long as you are secure in your relationship with him,I see no need to unnecessarily push amoms' buttons, as she seems less secure with her own place.

The simple use of names would destroy all potential problems, and who knows? Once this mother gets to know you as a person, she may feel differently. It's easy to fear an unknown threat, but harder to fear a sweet woman who loves he child just as much as she does. This facebook communication could be all you need to clear the air! The air can't be cleared if it's clouded in secrecy.

Just my two cents. Happy to hear that your bson seems like such a nice guy. Definitely take his advice into consideration.

[quantum]

Of course, I know he's been online since I've mailed him and he's not answered my emails. Oh well.
I think he's just busy today and tomorrow (graduation).

Thing is, I had tagged the picture with names, so that's not a problem.
An old friend of mine had posted the comment 'who's that young man with you?' and I'd answered 'My son'. and left it at that. She knew many years ago that I'd reliquished, the comment was more to see how she'd react, at that time I didn't know my son's amom was on Facebook...
*sigh*

Now I'm just trying not to be paranoid about my son not answering my email today.

[lovemy2boys]

Leave it, Q. Leave the "my son". Someone asked a question, you answered truthfully. There's nothing hurtful or wrong with your answer, and if she's affected by it, well then it's something she will have to work through.

Amom asked to be your friend, and she will just have to deal, or eventually block your profile. She asked to be included into YOUR world, and if you decide to do so, you are graciously inviting her in...It would be unfair to both of you if you had to censor yourself or second guess everything you put on your personal page, ya know?

I remember the first time I saw JD'd firstdad's page (I was invited by him to see it - it wasn't a case where I just happened upon it). kThere were things on there that made me think "GRRRR". But you know? It was my own "thing" that I had to get through, which I did PDQ because none of it was malicious, none of it was false, none of it was misleading...

Having said that, I would also consider some of the privacy settings, as there are things that you just may not WANT her to see...IF your and your son think it's a good idea, that is.

Yeesh...I bet people didn't see THIS type of stuff coming with the whole FB/Myspace deal...

[Amandak249]

Maybe I misunderstood. If it is a comment, then leave it. No need to delete your interactions with friends to save amom's feelings. You had every right to answer as you did.

If amom DOES take offense ( I really hope she doesn't even notice) you can say right back to her "What should I have said? My ** year old son who I relinquished at birth for this reason and that reason who is now in reunion with me after all those years?" There was no better way to answer than how you did.


I'd be curious to hear what your bson says about all this.I don't know what I'd tell my birthmother, if the question was posed to me.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

Leave it, Q. Leave the "my son". Someone asked a question, you answered truthfully. There's nothing hurtful or wrong with your answer, and if she's affected by it, well then it's something she will have to work through.

Q, I agree wholeheartedly with Love on this issue. He is your son...in your heart and in your mind. You have the right to call him your son on your own webpage.

Your son's mom will eventually have to work this out in her own way, at her own pace. Reunion is just plain hard work, especially in the early years when we are all defining who we are in each others' lives. Just as you have a lot of things to sort out and evaluate, so does your son and so does his mom.

This is the eggshell part I'm always talking about. It does get better, but it takes a lot of time...like years. Hang in there, and do look into the various privacy settings on FB.