[crick]

As most of you know, my kids came to me through foster care. Since the rights had already been terminated, we never met their other parents and have names but not much else.

I at times have googled/searched for information on them and while I've found some things, I've not really located them. I have though *THINK* I have found the bmom's mother and her address/location.

I'm not at this time opening doors to full contact, it's just the beginning and for obvious reasons and my kids' ages/feelings, I'm just trying to at least find them so I can later open the door when ready.

My question to you as a firstparent...

If the amom contacted a family member first, how upset would you be? I have no clue if they are close, if they are in contact at all with each other etc., and while I don't want to be "I'm going to your mom for info instead of you", it's the place I have information on to start.

Thoughts?

[sstuart]

I do not think that it would have offended me. But I have a feeling that it might offend some others. I have a relationship with my mom that is strained, but not horrible. I think having that infor for your kids is great.

[thanksgivingmom]

Obviously for me, my Mom doesn't know about Cupcake, so I'd be horrified. BUT, that's most likely not the case in your situation, as your kids were being raised at some point by their birthparents (correct?)

However, I suppose you still wouldn't know what the parents would think about the removal of the child(ren), etc.

I think if I were *findable* I might still be upset (just being honest!) BUT if I weren't - no facebooks, myspaces, other ways to find/contact me, I could see the justification for it. I would probably make sure you've exhausted other avenues first then go for it.

Good luck with this one!!!!

[thanksgivingmom]

Oh! And to complicate my opinion even MORE, if Cupcake contact my Mom, I'd just deal with it. Once it's what the KIDS want, I'd just have to figure it out. (Easier said than done, but still.....)

[Mommy24]

In your situation Crick, I think it would be ok to contact her mom. The only time I think it would be "iffy" is for those first mom's who haven't told there families.

Whatever you decide, I know you will do it with compassion and respect, Go for it!

[RavenSong]

Crick, I think it's okay for you to contact your kids' b-grandmother, especially since you cannot locate an address for their bmom.

It's kind of hard to answer this question, mainly because I didn't lose DS to social services. As you know, I made a voluntary plan for adoption while I was pregnant. And I have to admit I have a hard time dealing with my feelings about women who abuse and/or neglect their children. I find myself resenting them at times...I try my best not to, but I do.

As a birthmom who relinquished voluntarily in the best interests of her baby, I would have been pretty upset if his parents or the adoption agency had contacted my mom first instead of me. My relationship with my mother was often strained, and if she really wanted to hurt me, she would throw my child into the argument. I remember when I was getting ready to reunite with my son and his parents...I absolutely did not want my mother involved in any way at that time. I was so afraid she would hurt him...

That said, I guess if my current address hadn't been on file with the agency and his parents couldn't locate me on their own, it would have been fine to contact either my mom or another family member.

Crick, be careful with this one. I think openness is a wonderful thing in adoption in today's world, but I also think it's a totally different ballgame when it comes to the bioparents of children placed through CPS and the foster-care system. My feelings on the whole issue are kind of ambivalent and undecided. I just don't want to see any child hurt again...

[crick]

Raven - I hope you know I didn't think for a second that it would be the "same". No way no how!

I guess my thought is this...

If I contact gma and she's safe etc. and then bmom finds out and is angry about it for whatever reason, (I have no idea what the family knows of the kids..why removed etc. "The state just took them" kwim) then I'm worried that I'll be messing up any future contact when and if the kids want that as adults. I'll anger her to the point where she'll just say "no way no how am I giving THAT woman any information or pics etc." and then ultimately that hurts the kids.

So in that frame of mind, that's where I thought y'all might have some opinions on it. If you had any contact or semi contact etc. through parents first and the parents irritated you etc. did that ultimately close the door on the kids later.

I hope I'm making sense! LOL! I so do not mean to compare the two situations in any way!

[RavenSong]

Oh, Crick, I knew you weren't comparing the two situations (voluntary versus CPS). I wasn't offended in the least by your question.

If I were you, I'd be sure to let bmom know that you contacted her mother first simply because you couldn't locate an address or phone number for her. I think anyone would understand that.

If she were to become angry about her mom being contacted instead of her, then I would say that's pretty irrational. If anything, I would think that she'd be incredibly grateful that you are willing to open up the lines of communication. If she becomes angry and refuses to interact with you simply because you contacted her mom, then I would question whether she is even capable of putting the best interests of the children first. That's what's most important here...the kids. If she does get angry, well then I think the time isn't right yet for contact.

My vote goes with contacting the b-grandma...and then play everything by ear...go with your instincts.

[Dickons]

Crick,

Tricky situation but why not include in your conversation that you want current medical history. If that is part of why you are contacting then the mother may not feel like you had no right to contact her mother? Something neutral to disfuse a potential contentious issue? And medical history is very very important.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[crick]

Thanks y'all...it is a tricky situation all around!

I know (hope) you'll understand that I do indeed have very selfish motives as a part of contact. I want more medical information, number one. That isn't so selfish as it is necessary for my kids and their lives, imo.

However, as their mom, I do want baby pictures and I want their early days information. It's hard to say "I don't know" when my son wants to know if he came out as handsome as he is now or if he was an ugly baby. (LOL!...you get the gist) I also want to know from this family why they didn't step up when the state contacted them and informed them that the kids were in foster care. Obviously I'm "glad" they didn't because I wouldn't be their mom, but kwim? It's a part of their history and some day they'll want these answers. At least, they might want those answers and yes, I'm a bit selfish and controlling here to want to be able to give them those answers and support them rather than them going off at age 18 to go it alone.

I don't want open contact to the point of "we are family", but I want the door opened at least so I can filter things as needed. (control factor again) I honestly don't know how much information I would give to the kids if I received it or how things would go. That would be a step by step process depending on what I find out.

I just keep having these fears that I'm going to mess it up for them. My dd is 11 and she does at times miss her first mom. I think she'll seek her out at some point and I don't want that to be harder than it needs to be by me putting my nose in things now.

I think in some ways it's better if I do contact a family member first simply because I don't know that I have it in me to not lash out if I come across bmom. I have some compassion for her and I do respect that she is my kids' other mom. But...dang...could I truly be nice? I don't know. Definitely know I couldn't with bdad, and I'm not opening that door at all ever unless specifically asked by the kids. (which I doubt will ever happen)