[browneyes0707]

I know this is one of those things that I need to decide for myself, but if anyone has words of wisdom it's appreciated.

Right now my semi OA is limited to communication between my DD's mom and me. From a really surface point of view, it's not a bad relationship. She agreed to reopen the adoption from a closed situation a few years ago. She does welcome my e-mails anytime, she says just to write, and that she likes to hear from me. She sometimes writes back. Maybe a third of the time. But for the most part those e-mails are loving and she says she does consider us friends, and values that. She has given me her phone numbers and addresses and has sent pics. As far as sharing that kind of information, she has no hang ups about that.

But there is a lot of things that she doesn't do. She doesn't respond to all the messages I send ( and I tend to send them every few months, and on holidays or birthdays) which is OK, but it's a lot of the important ones that she will not acknowledge. Like Christmas. Or more recently DD's birthday. She's not interested in setting up a schedule for contact, so I do my best to use my discretion and I've sort of gotten the hang of it, but it's still hard to send off an e-mail and not know if you are going to get a response or not (again, it's more the significant ones than the shoot the breeze ones that bother me.)

She doesn't follow through. If she tells me that she will send pics, she doesn't. I haven't gotten a pic of DD in over a year. I'll remind her in a subsequent e-mail, but she just doesn't do it. She also won't answer a lot of my questions. Again, some of them are basic (what is DD studying? Is she going to work this summer?) but some are directly related to contact. Like whether DD is OK that we talk. Or whether she follows through with talking to her about it or what sort of questions DD has.

I do get a lot of mixed signals as to where things are headed. Her mom has told me recently that I will meet her one day. But DD is not ready for that and I respect it. The last time the subject was discussed (last year) her mom was very defensive of my intentions (which I have made crystal clear over the course of the relationship and repeat frequently.) and she agreed to allow me to send something, but she never answered any of my follow up questions as to what happened, so I don't know if she followed through with the promise to give it to her. So I back off. When she doesn't send pics after my asking her to, I back off. When my questions don't get answers, I back off. I try to pick my battles and not make issues, but it bothers me that she can't answer me. lately I guess I'm getting aggrivated with the fact that this is supposed to be a relationship and I always put my feelings on the back burner.

It's happened again recently and I just find it so hard to swallow. One minute it's OK, the next it's not. I hate the uncertainty of it, and part of me wants to try and clear up somethings. But I'm afraid to try, because I wonder if it's really worth it. DD will be 18 next year, and although technically I won't need to go through her mom anymore, I don't think it will be that simple. I do wonder what will happen at that point, whether I'll be allowed to contact her or not. I wonder what happens when I have sent things to her, even if it's not positive. I have to think that if her mom keeps telling me I'll meet her that she knows there is an interest on DD's part. I always thought the point of keeping contact was that I would know these things. I sense a lot of hesitence on her mom's part, which is discouraging after years of contact why she's still unsure, because either I'm not communicating effectively or it's just the way she is always going to be.

Do you think it's fair of me to ask her to clarify some things? I think it's understandable for me to feel hurt and confused by her behavior, and I hate the word "entitled" but I feel like I am entitled to honest communication, not because I'm DD's birthmom, but because I'm in a relationship, and that in itself requires it. And how do I tread lightly in this situation where I don't come across like I'm attacking her or questioning her approach to the relationship? Or is it really a case of "it is what it is" and I have to back off and accept this will always be a relationship that is a one way street?

[lovemy2boys]

I wish I had something wise and wonderful to say, Brown.

Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time coming up with anything to say at all.

We've all heard it. "I'm bad at answering emails" - or - "I'm soo busy that I haven't had a chance to get back to you" - or not even getting a response. Well, quite simply, it's nonsense. I'm getting really sick of people trying to excuse away a lack of consideration. UGH.

We go through the same thing with my son's firstdad. He's a great guy. But even though it's relatively new (about a year and a half), the relationship is on his terms...basically, I email, he ignores EVERY one, and there's not much I can do about it. He's a really nice guy with a really great family...when we can get ahold of him, that is...

It stinks for you, because you are trying to nurture a relationship with your daughters' mom in hopes of ultimately building a relationship with your daughter.

On the flip side, I'm trying to nurture a relationship with my son's firstdad in order to form a foundation for he and my son.

But yeah. One way street. And I'm growing tired of maneuvering it myself.

Like I said - no words of wisdom...Just wanted to throw some support your way...

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm like you in that when things don't seem right, I want to address it. Just talk about it, make sure we understand each other, clear things up. Have a conversation.

But in this situation? I don't know. I honestly don't know that I have the courage to recommend that you risk what you might stand to lose. It sucks and it's not right. You shouldn't have to address it, because it shouldn't be that way. But if I said "Address it!" and defenses went up and doors were slammed, I don't know that I could live with that. Again, it's that whole Oliver Twist thing..."Please sir, can I have some more?" which is the only humane thing to do, but might get you kicked to the curb. It's not fair and it's not right, but I don't know that it's in your power to make it any better than you already have.

What could you do? Ask direct and pointed questions? You've done that and you've either been ignored or misinterpreted, so I just don't see it as being useful.

Maybe I'm wrong. It's late and I'm speaking from the gut. Maybe someone else will have a prescience I'm lacking at the moment.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

But in this situation? I don't know. I honestly don't know that I have the courage to recommend that you risk what you might stand to lose.

Exactly. As much as I want to encourage women here to open up to their kids families, I find myself suggesting it in a post...and erasing it...and suggesting it...and erasing it...

Because who knows what the result will be.

[crick]

One thought I had when reading how her contact with you is more generic/basic rather than detailed and intimate was "I wonder if b/c dd is not ready for contact, if mom is trying to balance between wanting to share with you and have some sort of relationship and wanting to respect dd's privacy and wishes?"

My kids are only 8-12, but there are certain things I'm not "allowed" to discuss with others, no matter what the relationship. Things they really consider private or off limits and yet as a parent, sometimes it's necessary for me to share or discuss things on some level. If in that situation, I find myself in that "generic" category but have lines set by them and my role as a parent that I don't cross.

However, in saying this....

If I were in this situation of trying to balance things, I would think I'd be honest and upfront about that from the start. "I will not discuss xx or send pics due to child's wishes" etc. So for her to not follow through on things she has said she would do (pics etc.), it's just bad manners plain and simple. If she doesn't want to do that or dd doesn't want her to do that, then she should just tell you that upfront. You won't like it of course, but at least you wouldn't have this back and forth business that solves nothing and only creates more issues.

I think an email trying to clarify things is a good start. I don't know that you even need to go into the "I feel hurt because of xx" stuff but rather just address and focus on the changes you'd like to happen. Not that you'd give her a list of demands, but you know what I mean...lol!

Hard place and rocks, eh? ((HUGS))

[browneyes0707]

I agree with you Love and heidi and even as I wrote this I knew it was more of a vent because it is really about what I want vs what I can lose. And usually I find the risk too great so I end up biting my tongue and putting how I feel on the back burner. And why I sound like a broken record . I am also a fixer and like to be open and honest when things bother me and when I hit a roadblock I get frustrated.

Crick, the weird thing is that she is generic and at times she is specific. I don't know if dd is aware that there is ongoing commincation, I know she knows I wrote her mom because she found e mails last year. Beyond that I don't know. If she does know I'm sure she doesn't want her sharing things like the status of her love/social life which she does do occasion. But for example I won't ask if dd knows because I feel maybe it's not my place? Or if I did if she would answer me. I get the impression that she is stalling things on both ends. Sometimes I'd just like to know truthfully where I stand. Good or bad.

Thanks for all your love . I know there is no easy answer !!!!

[bajj]

Oh brown, I'm so sorry you are in this position. I can only imagine how frustrating it is.

I am leaning more with Crick. Just a simple email saying please let me know where I stand might be a good idea. Instead of saying please be honest maybe you can say something like, "I would honestly like to know what is expected of me and our ongoing contact." Not those exact words, however, using I messages will be less defensive sounding.

Again, I'm so sorry. (((((Brown)))))

[thanksgivingmom]

Brown, as you know I'm driving round in circles at the end of a cul de sac! And, as you know, I'm severely lacking the words of wisdom that you deserve...I wish there was some way to get responses and to get back what we put into the relationship....but I do have faith that it will happen for you with DD.

[lahdh4]

I am with TG on this. I think we are all in the same car. That isn't so bad. LOL

I just know that I have no words to help as I am in the same boat. (((HUGS)))

[Xdad]

WOW, I thought I wrote that thread. Took the words right off my tounge. I am going through EXACTLY what you are going through but my daughter is 15.
I think in my case, is that I had 15 years to think about my daughter, and it took me 15 years to get the courage to make contact. It is allot of shame that I have carried for so long, but I got to come to terms with it on my schedule. When I was mentally prepared, I sent the letter.
Unfortunately, the Mother of my daughter didn't have the luxury of this situation timing.
It took her by complete surprise.
So, what I am saying is, that perhaps this is some pullback of the mother that allows herself the time that she needs to come to terms with it.

[browneyes0707]

Hey X

I've followed your story as well and I know there are a lot of similarities with mine. It's not an easy boat to be in . For a long time I factored in that it had been so long that we had contact that it would take her some time to build trust and process my return. I just would hope that after three years of open and honest communication on my part the shock would have worn off by now and she would feel more at ease being candid with me.

I have decided to try and address this with her. Not sure how or what I will say but I'd be kind of a hypocrite if I criticized her for not sharing her feelings if I didn't feel I could share mine. Sometimes I have to remember that I gave up my right to parent, not the right to speak my mind and share my true feelings respectfully kwim?

[greenbottles]

I am dealing directly with my bdaughter as she is over 18 but, thankfully, her aparents were open enough to let me contact her directly since she was about 14. However our relationship has gone from letters and cards about three or four times a year to nothing for more than 12 months. She has not replied to any of my letters or Facebook messages. So I have no idea why she has decided to pull back. She has recently contacted another member of my family. It hurt me that she is completely ignoring me, although I am glad she has made contact with another member of my family.
Bdaughter has often refused to send photos. Other times she has sent one. Remember teenagers are very particular about photos and having their photos taken ie bad-hair days etc. Although, they have no problems splashing their photos on the internet for their friends (and the public) to see.
I think the amother is avoiding many questions etc because maybe your daughter doesn't want you to know - for whatever reason. So amother probably avoids the email because she doesn't want to hurt you or because she may think that you would no believe her. I have asked my daughter about her friends and she said they were okay, but thanks to the internet I know who her friends are and what they look like.
I am sure the uncertain situation you, me and many other bmothers are in during the teenaged years is due to the fact that they are teenagers and they don't want another mother-adult figure in their lives, they don't know what we want from them, so they don't know what to do or say and it's very emotional and there can be loyality issues and they want to be normal and having a birth family is way not-nomal for many teens. i hope it gets better for all of us.

[Xdad]

yay BDADS!

Just think we needed a cheer
but i like the nana

[kakuehl]

This is off topic, but welcome Bdad. Sometimes I think it must take great courage for the few males here to enter this estrogen laden forum!!

Brown, I don't have great words of wisdom. I wonder sometimes if aparents get more anxious about contact the closer the children get to 18. After all, adolescents often wish they had a different family to go to... (At 14-16, I think my hoped she'd been adopted and wanted a place to escape to.) Think about it from the parents' view: the child is trying to become independent (although not necessarily financially!) at the same time the birthparent/s are preparing for contact. Pretty scary stuff. (D's mom had some difficulty with it and D was 32!) Hang in there!

[Janeytwo]

Kakuehl

the child is trying to become independent (although not necessarily financially!)

LOL!!! That was great!!

And I echo your sentiments to Bdad.