[SchmennaLeigh]

Been talking with a few birth and adoptive mom friends. Turns out that we've all been irrationally angry/upset in the past.

Examples:
1. Birth mom is pregnant.
2. Adoptive mom is pregnant or adopting again.
3. One family or the other got transferred due to a job and had to move.


You know, stuff that the other party doesn't really have a say over, a right to control and so on.

My question today is: what have you been irrationally angry over? How have you dealt with it? Did you discuss it with the other party in the interest of open and honest communication or did you deal with it on your own, fully aware that it was irrational and thus wanting to get your feelings straight before discussing the matter at all?

Thought this would be a helpful discussion to pull into this forum.

[lovemy2boys]

Well, I don't know if my anger is irrational - I can always find rationale for whatever is bothering me - haha. But I have 2...

The first, most of you know about. AJ's firstmom is leaving in 6 very short weeks for Europe due to her DH's military transfer. When she first brought it up over the summer, she stressed how much she wanted to get together before she leaves so she could spend time with AJ....Nothing...She'll answer my emails from time to time and respond to everything BUT my numerous attempts to get together before she goes. And I'm angry.

My little guy was in tears the other day because we don't hear form her...I lied and told him that she emails all the time asking me to tell him that she loves him. And I know that she's busy, but darn it - if this was ME doing it to her? I'd be called the most vile names you can imagine (it's happened before).

I've asked numerous times if she wants to get together...I've also asked if there is a reason why she won't answer me about getting together. Nothing. So yeah - I'm angry. Irrational? Maybe. But maybe not.

The other one is absolutely none of my business, so my anger is definately irrational. I went on facebook this morning, and JD's firstmom and her boyfriend must have broken up yesterday, and he has written some of the most foul things about her on her page that I've ever read (it was attached to her "mood" so it popped up on my page). And he called her one name in particular and gave a REASON as to why he called her this; and I take exception with it. I know it's none of my business and I am obviously going to stay out of it, but I swear to goodness if I ever see this guy again I will knock both of his front teeth out...One for C, and one for JD. (ETA - this one is adoption related because he called her ummm integrity as well as her choices into question, if you get my drift).

[SchmennaLeigh]

Want me to punch his teeth out too? Guh. Some people.

[Leigh131313]

Funny you mention this ....I'm going through some irrational anger/saddness right now. It's not directed to M's birthmom....but I am sure it is because of my status as an amom that I'm bothered so much....


My girlfriend (another amom) told me yesterday that her daughter (16) called her up and very nonchalantly threw out that she thinks she is pregnant. My friend is going through what I would call a midlife crisis (left her hubby so she could pursue her married boss) and her kids are absolutely falling apart. She has basically just walked away from her kids - aside from very basic things. We actually think she is not pregnant (I haven't talked to her today to find out for sure) as she is VERY much a drama queen (she has been to the hospital soooo many times for fake injuries) and I am sure this is just her crying out for help/love/attention. The thing is tho - even if she isn't this time - I KNOW there will be a "next time" and she WILL eventually be pregnant.

My problem is....I am just SO ANGRY right now. First that someone can be so flippant about becoming a mother. And second that some 16 year old ON A WHIM can just go out and get pregnant and I have to jump through EVERY hoop known to man (it seems) in order to build my family.


Oh and to top it off I found out today we no longer have a satellite worker for my agency in my city - so I'll probably have to pay mileage for out next STUPID update. Yeah 500 plus dollars just for a worker to come out here and hear us say that nothing has changed in the last year.

But a 16 year old girl can just decide "Hey I know what'll get my mom's attention - I'll have a baby"


Sorry. I'm angry at my friend for being a pathetic mom and I'm angry at my inability to control this part of my life....



ok vent over. I'm sorry if this is offensive .. I really needed to get this out today.

[Stormster]

I get really angry at DS's sibs and their guardians for not caring or wanting to know E or us.

I don't know if it's rational or not though.

Some of these guardians are very very old you'd think they'd want the kids to find each other!

[taramayrn]

The thing that I'm thinking of is after 5 years of an awesome open adoption relationship they refused our wedding invitation without so much as an explination.

To the amoms who have shared here, thank you.

[thanksgivingmom]

Well, my irrational anger stuff is all really tiny stuff.

Like the fact that Cupcake wore the same outfit to our last two visits - I've only seen her three times since birth, and 66% of the time she's been in the same thing! of course, I don't go to visits to see what she's wearing - but I remember every single little detail...and I wish that D did too...

See? Now THAT'S irrational! haha

The same thing with her having the same Halloween costume this year - I get it, it still fits, but dang it, I would just love to dress her up in so many cute halloween outfits - that's one of those experiences that I miss, you know? And seeing D not take advantage of that experience just stings a little.

The other stuff that upsets me (the FOREVER wait time for an email response for example) I've decided that I'm justified in being upset over.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I don't think anything has been offensive in this thread, Leigh. No worries.

Very interesting, all of this, don't you think?

And Tara, I'm sorry, but I don't think that was irrational anger at all.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I'm feeling really angry right now - irrationally so, I'm not sure - that my girls' birthmom CHOSE to have more children and then neglected them and put them in danger to the point that the state stepped in and took them into foster care. She's now facing losing those children and we will likely adopt them. I'm not angry about getting the children, but I am angry with her for making choices that have put these precious babies at risk.

[belleinblue1978]

So, my irrational anger isn't directed at my kiddo's mom, just things in general.

How the heck is fair that a 15 year old can get pregnant and the world rushes to find her help, but I get pregnant, ask for help and get told I'm making a good choice?

How the heck is it right that I can't have more children but I see kids that are the product of neglect and abuse everyday, who will reproduce and continue that cycle?

How the heck is fair that same people above will get to keep their kids but I had to make a "loving choice" based mostly on fears of inadequecy and finances?

The one other thing that makes me angry is that idea that because I placed my son I should have stayed static and never changed because now it might be hard for his mom and dad to explain to him why someone who is successful and has a good life placed him. I would be dead if I would have stayed who I was, it wasn't an option.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

The thing that I'm thinking of is after 5 years of an awesome open adoption relationship they refused our wedding invitation without so much as an explination.

This would be tough and extremely hard to get over...

And Jenna? I'll save C's ex BF's bottom teeth for you...He was adopted as a baby, and for him to throw things at her, especially for all the world to see, was just as low as you can go. And it makes my blood boil that he's within the "triad", and has been supportive for 3 years, then they break up, and BOOM. Disgusting.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

And Jenna? I'll save C's ex BF's bottom teeth for you...He was adopted as a baby, and for him to throw things at her, especially for all the world to see, was just as low as you can go. And it makes my blood boil that he's within the "triad", and has been supportive for 3 years, then they break up, and BOOM. Disgusting.

Oh. Yuck. Sounds like the breakup (or, perhaps, the relationship even) brought up some unresolved issues in his own life regarding his own adoption. Sad that she ended up being the recipient of his anger.

[lahdh4]

I think mine is the same as TGM. The wait for an answer. She has my phone number, she has my address but apparently I am just a thorn in her side and getting back to me isn't all that important.
I guess not having a conversation with our daughter is more important and stopping visits is more important then answering a quick note with one question.
I am so justified about this one.
Then there is the ex (supergirl's bdad). He is the one that told me about open adoption. He is the one that only would go for an open adoption. So the pain is dealt and done and he goes with the mind set "Out of sight, Out of mind"

[Forever_family]

I don't know that this is irrational/rational but I am angry that I don't have a single picture of my son before the age of 11 months. I'm angry that NOBODY bothered to take pictures for the 8 months he was in foster care to the seemingly wonderful foster family, in every other way.....but still NO PICTURES of him as a baby! I am angry that social workers dont' seem to be bothered by this-and for Gods sake why couldn't have anyone snapped a picture of him!? I am angry that I don't have a single picture of his birth mom to share with him, at least that much for him. I am angry his extended birth family does not feel we are a good family for him because of the color of our skin. I'm angry at his extended birth family for having baby pictures and pictures of his birth mom but refusing to give copies to me because they are angry his adoption will soon be finalized...even though they had 2 years to try and step in and chose not to, I am somehow the enemy? I suppose I should have refused to adopt him and let some random foster family have him instead? Ya, that makes sense.. More then anything I'm angry that my son is the one who ends up being hurt by this foolishness.

[lovemy2boys]

Today I FINALLY hear from D and she actually ADDRESSES one of my last 6 emails where I ask if we can see her - she "guesses" we can get together in November. Gee thanks.

So now I should be happy, because AJ gets to see her before she moves. But I'm not happy. I'm peeved ~ really peeved...

I think she "owes" me an explanation as to why she's been avoiding us...She "owes" me an explanation as to why she never asks about AJ...She "owes" it to us to act like she really wants to see him and that it's not a big fat inconvenience...

Seriously - she doesn't "owe" us anything, and I know this. So why can't I be a grown up and let go of this grudge right now? Why can't I just be deliriously happy that AJ will have an opportunity to see her right around his bday? And I am happy for him...but I'm ticked at her.

Talk about irrational.