[Suziebearhugs]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I think the idea of the imbalance of power is a pretty good reason why people don't feel that they can get angry/address issues, etc. But, I don't think it's a one side has it - the other doesn't sort of thing....
It's more about wanting to keep what you have - from BOTH sides. Worries about rocking the boat...this doesn't just stem from the person who "has" the child at the moment (ie. eparents before adoption, aparents after adoption)

I think for most of us, we are thrust into a very big relationship without the normal early stages of a relationship - much like an arranged marriage! We don't REALLY know each other, we don't have that comfort level that comes with most friendships (that start small and grow over time). So in a way, it's a bit forced feeling (not like being pushed into something ....but more like you feel like you have to put a bigger effort forward). The only true cure for this is time. For some people, the other party lives FAR away - even harder to get that familliarity and comfortable feeling.

Now - add in the fact that you may not have alot in common as far as "where you are in life" and it gets trickier!! I don't mean this financially or anything like that....I just mean, like in OUR case, we were married 8 years, working, and were ready to start a family....T was in grade nine.
Not alot in common there!!! Now that we've known each other for 4 years - she's done school, has worked and now has a baby....we have WAY more in common!!

I think sometimes the relationships are just really not that established!! This makes them feel shakier.

just some babbling......but my bottom line is I dont think it's all about who "has" the kid as far as power goes. We all have the power to just walk away - and the other party will do it's best to prevent that.

I agree. I have the child. I could have walked away anytime I wanted to. But my big concern is always trying to get them to open up more and act more interesed and involved. So, yes, they have quite a bit of control as far as that is concerned. I would be absolutely devestated if one day they just dissapeared or said they no longer wanted contact. Especially, after all I've put into this relationship and how that would affect my child.

[jp4ga]

I am angry because the bmom of my daughter will not give us medical information on the father of the baby. She acts like we do not need the information. I am angry because she lost her other children to DFACS and blames me. She is the one who tried to scam us, so we hired a PI and abuse was happening and he had to report the abuse of the other children. I am angry because she blames me because she is going to jail for scamming people out of money, and child abuse.

I am most angry, because I have to get over this, move on and try to fix this relationship so that my daughter can know her bmom in the future. I am angry because I feel like I will have to lie to my daughter about her bmom so that she will not think poorly of her.

Those of you who pray...pray for us. We do need to fix this relationship.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

These answers are so depressing. Not in a "it's your fault" depressing way. But in a "gosh, reality sucks" kind of way.

"I too would rather be quiet than lose what little bit that I get."

Whatever happened to open, honest communication? Why have we allowed another party to so belittle us, either way, that we don't dare allow ourselves our own emotional space?

I am so sad right now.

I do not like to make a scene. Blame it on my upbringing. I don't like to rock the boat.
I want to hold on to the little bit I have. I am so afraid of losing it that I don't speak up. I don't say things. I don't make my feelings to them known. Right now I need that little bit.
Does it cause me to get pissed off when I don't get a response for over a month? Does it hurt when visits are cancelled that day? Does it hurt when I am promised something then it is snatched from me? YES, YES and YES.
Is it irrational? Probably. But I have been brought so low because of this one relationship I don't know how to function otherwise.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

These answers are so depressing. Not in a "it's your fault" depressing way. But in a "gosh, reality sucks" kind of way.

"I too would rather be quiet than lose what little bit that I get."

Whatever happened to open, honest communication? Why have we allowed another party to so belittle us, either way, that we don't dare allow ourselves our own emotional space?

I am so sad right now.

Because how many times can you say... "gee I'd like more pictures." Or how many times can you try to direct a conversation so it is about your child and not about his parents. When someone won't listen, they won't listen.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I don't know.

I've felt like that at times. But I haven't yet given up asking or offering my own time/etc because, in the end, it isn't about me. It's about my daughter. And so I keep at it.

Still very thoughtful about all of this.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I have a post about this article set to publish tomorrow on the birth parent blog, but I wanted to share it with you now: Anger is Good For You | LiveScience

The key quote:

So in maddening situations in which anger or indignation are justified, anger is not a bad idea, the thinking goes. In fact, it's adaptive, Lerner says, and it's a healthier response than fear.
Chronic, explosive anger or a hostile outlook on the world is still bad for you, contributing to heart disease and high blood pressure, research shows.

Thoughts.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I don't know.

I've felt like that at times. But I haven't yet given up asking or offering my own time/etc because, in the end, it isn't about me. It's about my daughter. And so I keep at it.

Still very thoughtful about all of this.

There is a difference between offering my time though and repeatedly asking for things and getting nothing in return.

My son gets my time and my effort. I won't have him feeling like I did, no wondering, no unanswered questions. He gets letters and pictures and the things I promised in the OA agreement. Just because his parents don't do what they said they would doesn't mean I won't live up to my side. That said, I'm tired of having a bloody forehead from trying to communicate with them and make my needs known as well. One sided communication is tough, I think we can all agree on that.

That's my point, I won't continue to hurt myself by asking for things I know I won't get. That doesn't mean I can't do what I said I would though. Big difference.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I mean, part of me gets it. But the part of me that is more about my daughter and less about me fights with that other part. Sure. It hurts me. But if it ever came down to it, I would want her to know that I put up a good fight (for lack of better terminology).

I don't know.

[Suziebearhugs]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I have a post about this article set to publish tomorrow on the birth parent blog, but I wanted to share it with you now: Anger is Good For You | LiveScience

The key quote:



Thoughts.

I agree. The response of anger to a bad situation is healthy. It's normal and it's productive. Fear holds you back from acting but anger usually prompts you to act and create change. Like it said it's "adaptive".

But holding onto that anger without acting or without changing the situation is not healthy and not productive for you or the relationship.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I mean, part of me gets it. But the part of me that is more about my daughter and less about me fights with that other part. Sure. It hurts me. But if it ever came down to it, I would want her to know that I put up a good fight (for lack of better terminology).

I don't know.

I can't do what I do for him though if I am miserable and depressed.

I am all about my son, please don't think I'm not. However, I still need to protect my heart and I can't walk around being wounded and hurt all the time, that wouldn't be fair to my son either.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Perhaps you could view it in another way? Continuing to ask is continuing to be strong and to stand up not only for you son but yourself. View it as empowerment instead of degrading (which, of course, it is as well).

I'm just really trying to spin even rejection as positive as of late. It has done wonders for my relationships as well. (Not just adoption!)

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Perhaps you could view it in another way? Continuing to ask is continuing to be strong and to stand up not only for you son but yourself. View it as empowerment instead of degrading (which, of course, it is as well).

I'm just really trying to spin even rejection as positive as of late. It has done wonders for my relationships as well. (Not just adoption!)

Jenna,

I'm doing what I have to do for me, and there is nothing wrong with that. I choose to believe that I am being positive, and I don't appreciate you saying that I'm not standing up for my son. He gets two or three pieces of mail from me a month, most of which include pictures.

I have alot of adoption issues in my life, this isn't the only one. I've had to start protecting my heart too.

I'm glad you would see it as empowering, I see it is as only continuing to hurt myself. Different people handle things differently.

[thanksgivingmom]

I think it's a VERY tough thing....Because at some point it CAN become like an abusive relationship. So do you stay in the abusive relationship to prove your empowerment? Or do you protect yourself, for possibly your life?

Now I'm not saying aparents are physically abusive or anything, but emotional/psychological abuse can have lifelong ramifications. If a woman truly believes that she is less/worth less because of the way she is treated by her child's parents, that is NOT healthy. I believe that I need to be my BEST self (or at least not my worst) FOR my daughter - so for me protecting myself wouldn't be completely self serving - it would be for Cupcake as well.

Thankfully, I AM working on the relationship I have with Cupcakes Mom, and it's moving in a good direction I think.....but when it's bad, I HAVE to take care of me so that I CAN be there for my daughter.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

If a woman truly believes that she is less/worth less because of the way she is treated by her child's parents, that is NOT healthy. I believe that I need to be my BEST self (or at least not my worst) FOR my daughter - so for me protecting myself wouldn't be completely self serving - it would be for Cupcake as well.

Yep - I can see what you're saying, but from the opposite side of the spectrum...It's like in the past, whenever I would TRY to say something, or try to bring something up, I'd have to hear how so and so is HER son SHE'S the mom...I'm only a mom because SHE let it happen (capitals are her usage, not mine). Explosions abound. And you can only hear it so many times before it starts to ingrain itself in your head...and you start to believe it at some level.

And then all of a sudden, she phoned yesterday...First time I've talked to her on the phone in ages. So I knew I had to say something - it was almost like a sign; calling out of the blue like that. After the normal small talk, I blurted out "There are things I'd like to talk about, but please know that this is just something I'm feeling inside and this is not a criticism of you."

We actually talked for 3 hours, and worked through some things...and had some new stuff come about (firstfather stuff - he went to see her yesterday. She is supposed to call me and let me know how that went).

I think we're a work in progress. And I think I just may be able to move past this too. So send prayers and good wishes our way, please.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Now, there you go! Express that anger even if it is misdirected at me! Good for you! (I say this in jest. Just amused.)

But seriously. I have continued to push and prod throughout this post, all of you, for reasons. Everything I read here is ABSOLUTELY SCARY. There's a LOT of unhealthy stuff going on in adoption relationships and it NEEDS to change. For you. For the other party opposite you. For our children. For society. For the birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees who will follow in our footsteps in coming years.

Change starts somewhere. I'm not content to sit by and watch people get caught up in "well, this is good enough" or "it's never going to change."

We can foster change. I have to believe we can. Or it all seems hopeless and pointless.