[finallyamom0310]

Suzie,

I have the same feelings at times about the relationship with DD's BMom and we are no where near where you are with your situation. We are too new at this. Hugs to you for what you are going through. Just know your daughter will know what you tried to do for her.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

Little things are wonderful.

When they happen.
If they happen.

I was told in January when a visit was cancelled, the day of, that L had a Christmas present for me.
Here it is almost November and I still haven't received it. Will I? Probably not. Just makes me wonder what it was.

We were told in 2002 that AJ's firstfather had written him a letter. He had requested a closed adoption, but was going off to Iraq, and wanted to send something just in case...He gave the letter to D in good faith that she'd give it to us...She told us that she had it (otherwise, we would have never known) and that she'd send it right away.

Later, she said the letter was messy and she was going to rewrite it, to which I said that as he got older, AJ would probably cherish something in his firstfather's own handwriting, so he could at least have something from him.

Then she said she lost it...

Then she said her mom tore it up.

Then she said that she never had it and that I'm making it all up.

Sometimes I wonder if I AM going crazy and it's all in my head - but my DH was there for the conversations, so I suppose not.

I'm there with you, Leigh...

And Susie - I remember the recital incident. It's so hard when the little ones are looking forward to things, isn't it? Like you, I choose to wait til the last minute to announce when we are seeing certain members of the boys' firstfamilies.

[Suziebearhugs]

I was real upset yesterday after posting.

Again wondering to myself what my responsibility is in this relationship and where to go from here.

Well, I wrote g-ma a very short e-mail. Just saying I hadn't heard from her in a while and asking how things are going.

SHE WROTE ME BACK Just a small paragraph but basically just giving me a quick update on her and the family and thanking me for the pictures I've sent. She mentioned how much my dd has changed and grown in the pictures from the last time she saw her and wondering if we can have a visit sometime.

I'm so glad I wrote.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm sorry is the anger/disappointment that comes from broken promises REALLY irrational?

I think not.

[Emberbit]

I’m angry because I not only signed away rights to the baby when I signed TPR, I also signed away my rights to myself. No one warned me about this! If the a-parents told me not to call, I’d have to respect that because they are baby’s parents. When I ask them not to call (they can text or email) I am ignored. If I push, I am given a guilt trip and told I must not care about baby.

I’m angry because everyone thinks less of me for placing. They think I took the easy path. Abortion would have been easy. Parenting would have been a little harder than abortion but compared to the path I’m walking now, parenting would have been easy. I don’t feel either choice would have been best; the best path isn’t always the easy one.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I'm sorry is the anger/disappointment that comes from broken promises REALLY irrational?

I think not.

Jenna I think the trouble is, for me anyways, but for alot of women, is that the feeling of anger regardless if it's irrational or not is not a nice feeling and I think we feel bad for being angry. Nice girls don't get angry. I think that's why you might be getting the responses you are.

[thanksgivingmom]

Tara, great point!

Sometimes being angry at ALL feels irrational....I think for me any anger surrounding adoption feels irrational at times - like part of TPR is signing away your right to be angry.

We're constantly reminded that we *chose* to place our child - so we must deal with what comes after - and that includes dealing with pain and hurt without the anger.

I tend to think most of my anger and frustrations are justified and rational - but I know that there are times when I've flat out been told that they're not.

[abensonslaton]

I'm just sad and dissappointed. My son's first mom was getting her life back together. Taking care of a realtive and nice enough boyfriend taking care of his son. Got her health in order etc. Called me last week and as of today she will be homeless so we have to postpone his visit. I just so badly want her and the birthfather to get their act together so that G can see postive things about them and I don't want to hide the bad things nor tell him if that makes any sense. He turns five next week time is going by fast. Everyone was doing good First father lost his job, again and still living with mom and 36. He is really intelligent just has ADHD really bad and past drug hx so his choices are not so hot. I feel like it it irrantional because I need not to have hope and accept them completely for who they are . Sometimes I think it is wrong and bad of me to hope.

[Suziebearhugs]

Like for me I don't think it's irrational to be angry (especialy at broken promises ..etc).

But I think it's irrational to stay angry. I can't force others to be what i want them to be or act how i want them to act.

But if I'm Choosing to still have them be in my kids life, knowing they are that way or act that way or can't be what I want them to be.

Then that's where it turns irrational for me. I can't expect them to be what i want them to be and evey time they fail to meet those expectations I put out there. I can't allow myself to be and stay upset about it when they fail at it or just don't show they care as much as I'd like to see.

To be rational would be to either say it's unexceptable and they are not going to be an active part of my childs life.

Or to be rational would be to just accept them for who they are and the way they are and just be grateful for whatever relationship we do have with them. Realizing that we are all just human and have flaws and make mistakes.

I've chosen the second option. But it's still hard not to get irrational, when things do happen and the big momma bear in me comes out wanting to protect my kids from those things, while still wanting to keep that relationship open.

Rational or not it's just not healthy to hang onto that anger if I want to keep this relationship open and healthy.

*While I'm excited to hear that grandma responded to my e-mail and is asking to get together. Part of me..after dwelling on this the last couple days, is a little hesitant(talk about irrational..getting what you asked for and then not sure if you want it). I can feel that hurt, dissapointment and even some anger as I consider our next visit while still remembering all the feelings when they missed the last one (that could have been so special).

[SchmennaLeigh]

Emberbit; Just like you don't like being told that your decision is easy, please don't assume that all who choose abortion live a life without grief, regret or other emotions. Please consider reading the book Choice: True Stories of Birth, Contraception, Infertility, Adoption, Single Parenthood and Abortion. It's a very eye-opening read, especially when you haven't experienced all aspects of the decisions involved with reproduction. As an example, I haven't had an abortion but my friends who have and the stories in that book speak testament to the fact that there is NO easy choice.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

Jenna I think the trouble is, for me anyways, but for alot of women, is that the feeling of anger regardless if it's irrational or not is not a nice feeling and I think we feel bad for being angry. Nice girls don't get angry. I think that's why you might be getting the responses you are.

That? Is sad.

I really dislike when the world paints anger as an overly negative emotion. As one that isn't okay to feel and express. I will be the first to say that we, no matter our position in life, should not be using anger as an excuse to fly off the handle or treat others with disrespect. There's never an excuse for such things. However, when we are telling people that they are wrong for expressing anger, rational or irrational, we are only creating more problem(s).

I suppose I could create another thread for this question but I'll ask it here first and we'll thread-off if we need to do so:

Are you comfortable expressing your RATIONAL anger? As in the anger that is somehow justified. Broken promises, canceled visits, no contact, disrespect being shown to you or your family. Why or why not? To expand on that: are you comfortable expressing rational anger in a non-adoption related issue, such as with parents, friends or significant others? If you answered that you are comfortable in expressing rational anger in non-adoption related situations, why do you act differently in your adoption relationships? If you answered that you're not comfortable in either, a) my heart breaks for you and b) why?

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

We're constantly reminded that we *chose* to place our child - so we must deal with what comes after - and that includes dealing with pain and hurt without the anger.

I tend to think most of my anger and frustrations are justified and rational - but I know that there are times when I've flat out been told that they're not.

Hit the nail on the head for me TGM.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Re: others telling you that it is irrational: Why are you letting them?

[taramayrn]

People can tell me whatever they want, but I don't have to believe them. However sometimes when you hear something over and over again you start to believe it.

[loveajax]

Jenna, as my husband always says to me, "Why do you only yell at me?" Seriously, I only get "overtly" angry with my husband. Freud would have a field day with me, but it goes a lot to how I was raised, etc. I think there are many people who have a hard time "confronting" others even if they may feel completely "in the right." And yes, it is sad!! But I think it's only in the relationships which are the "closest" that some people feel safe to express anger?