[belleinblue1978]

Love,

I wish there were easy answers. Who knows what is going on inside her head, ask her. That is the only way you will ever find out. She isn't going to know you want to know unless you ask her.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Love,

I wish there were easy answers. Who knows what is going on inside her head, ask her. That is the only way you will ever find out. She isn't going to know you want to know unless you ask her.

Thanks belle - I do ask her...She ignores me. Literally. Every time.

My only means of contact with her is via email (phones turned off) so it's easy to avoid questions.

I need to let this go though, and I get that. I mean, she's going to be leaving for 3 years, so I don't want to ruin our last visit because I'm acting surly. I'd ask when we get together, but I don't want any explosions on our last vist for a while. Not around Adam.

[Suziebearhugs]

I don't think it's irrational for you to want to see that her son is as importnant to her as he is to you.

But I've been there done that and realized that you can't change people. Everyone deals with love and loss differently and for some people a relationship doesn't come as easily, openly or lovingly as the other person might hope.

I don't think that makes your anger irrational. But dropping pre-concieved ideas of how it should or could be and just trying to be grateful that it is at all, is the real challenge.

[lovemy2boys]

Thanks, Suzie...and you are totally right.

And I am really glad that we will be seeing her in a few weeks. AJ will be thrilled when he finds out.

[belleinblue1978]

Don't blame you there, and you're right about the email thing. I don't think you're irrational if that helps. I think those are perfectly reasonable things to be upset about.

As with anything though, and you know this, you can't change her, just how you feel. I know how it feels to want to just be angry though forever and ever.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Don't blame you there, and you're right about the email thing. I don't think you're irrational if that helps. I think those are perfectly reasonable things to be upset about.

As with anything though, and you know this, you can't change her, just how you feel. I know how it feels to want to just be angry though forever and ever.

Thanks...and you and Suzie are right. I have to keep telling myself that I can't change her, and that we are different people who REACT differently as well. All I can do is change how I'm reacting to the situation...and be glad that we get to see her again.

[feelingreyt]

I am angry because my son's birthfamily(bgrandmothers) have not called to check on him in over a month. I'm angry because I honestly don't want to talk to them. They have lied to me, used me and act like it's my fault that we adopted ds when they are the ones who called me!
I'm angry because ds's birthmom is using drugs again. I'm angry that she has not seen him since March. I'm angry that she has 3 girls that she claims she wants to regain custody of, yet can't even manage a visit with them!
I'm angry because there are women out there that truly love their children and had to give them up for adoption. Then there are women who could careless about their children and are able to breed like a cat in heat!
I'm angry because there are so many women that would be wonderful moms, yet they are unable to have children. It's just not fair!
I'm angry because my MIL is dying. I'm angry because my dad is having heart trouble. I'm just angry!


WOW, that felt good!

[loveajax]

I am in an "annoyance" phase right now...I wouldn't call it anger. I'm not really comfortable "venting" these days either which kind of stinks, but I like to see people getting the anger out!! I'm sure DD's birth mom has some anger/annoyance as well (irrational or rational or both!).

I can say I am "irrationally angry" at DH's birth mom....who hasn't ever responded to his sweet, kind, "nonintrusive" first contact letter to her of 10 months ago. I don't know what it would take to even say, "Thank you for your letter. I cannot have contact at this time." I mean...seriously? I guess it's irrational because A) I have never met her! and B) I don't know her reasons for not responding.

I think when we love someone so deeply, as we all (all us mothers) do our children, it's hard to view anything that upsets us as it relates to them as "irrational!"

[browneyes0707]

I have irrational anger too! And I'll come out of hiding to share, LOL!!!

It really annoys me that DD's a-mom doesn't go out of her way to acknowledge a lot of what I share with her. When I was planning my wedding last year, would it have been so hard for her to shoot me a message asking how it went? We were myspace friends for a while, and I know it sent her an e-mail that it was my birthday, it would have been nice to get a "Hey! Happy b-day!!!" e-mail. I go out of my way a lot to keep her up to date on that stuff, my updates are full of them it's hard to forget. Every once in a while it would be nice of her to go out of her way to say "Hey! I remembered!!!" I kind of feel like "friends" do those things, and sometimes I'm like "Hello? Friend?"

It would be nice to get on the x-mas card list. Don't even know if she sends x-mas cards, but would be nice to get one. Even an e-card. Even a response to my e-cards?

Of course there is still the lack of follow through, though it is a bit better, I'm getting responses to most of my messages now, and they are more detailed, but the pics... argh!!!! Still waiting on two sets of pics. Don't get me started on the phone call, it's been a year now. But I'm used to it.

Baby steps Brown...

[lovemy2boys]

You know brown? Those little things make ALL the difference in the world.

JD's firstmom went out of her way to send me a piece of flair on facebook - and I love me some flair. It was of two bears facing backwards hugging, and it said "Showing some love".

I can't tell you how much that simple thing meant to me.

So yes, I do know what you are saying - and I don't think it's irrational.

[lahdh4]

Little things are wonderful.

When they happen.
If they happen.

I was told in January when a visit was cancelled, the day of, that L had a Christmas present for me.
Here it is almost November and I still haven't received it. Will I? Probably not. Just makes me wonder what it was.

[loveajax]

Leigh, that's ridiculous. I am dealing with this as well...things promised for DD again and again and never showing up. I don't think I can ever tell DD to "expect" anything and that makes me sad.

Brown, don't get me started...(hahahah!).

[Suziebearhugs]

We've been through that as well. Broken promises and commitments. Letters that were never sent. Visits where they didn't show.

I've learned I'd rather keep things a suprise than have my kids get their hopes up and then crushed.

[lahdh4]

can I keep that up for me? on more then one occasion the visit has been cancelled by them, the day of. No explanation.
I then sit in tears for hours trying to figure out what I did to have them cancel.

[Suziebearhugs]

It's not fair whoever is doing the cancelling or not showing up.

I was so hurt/upset last May when my daughters grandma/bmom didn't show up at my daughters recital. I looked for them all night. I can't explain how painful it was to know they didn't make it a priority. When they knew exactly when it was, had known about it for months and been to several of her dance classes and everytime we saw them made comments to her on how excited they were to watch her dance on stage.

The fact that they didn't show up, and then blamed me for it...by saying they wished they would have been e-mailed sooner with the date/time (something I had given to them for the last 6 months leading up to it).

I was more hurt than my daughter. My daughter even asked about them the morning of the recital (thank goodness for her sake I used the whole..."well I hope they can make it, but we'll just have to wait and see" line.) Knowing that we had had experiences in the past with broken promises and commitments.

I think that's really what saved her from being so upset about it. But me. I was beyond hurt and in tears or on the verge or tears/anger for the next several days,trying to understand how they could have let such a thing happen. How they could have just forgotten.

Our relationship hasn't been the same since. I forgave them right away, once again realizing that what I hoped for the relationhsip never seems to be what it actually is and just trying to be grateful for what we do have. But I won't forget.

I've e-mailed lots of updates and pictures since then and have kept things upbeat. But I haven't heard from them (especially grandma) as much as I used to.

I feel like our relationship is falling apart and yet feel like I'm not the one who has gone anywhere. I'm still here, still writing, still sending pictures. So they can't say I've pulled away from them. I hesitate to make an effort to go beyond that at this point and try and really engage them in contact or visits. Figuring, they are the ones who did the hurting and yet they are the ones who have chosen to pull away even more.

I guess I'll just sit it out and keep doing what I'm doing and let them decide when they are ready to step up and put in the effort.

But my fear is that that will not happen and we'll just drift farther and farther apart. But maybe that's what they want and are more comfortable with?

Maybe I should just step back for once and just keep doing what I'm doing and let them take the reins in the relationship and decide where they want it to go.

Since my idea and their idea of what it could/should be never seems to come together.

How frustrating.