[taramayrn]

What has been the biggest obstacle you've had to overcome in your relationship with your child's other parents? How were you able to work through the obstacle?

[thanksgivingmom]

My biggest obstacle?

Bringing up ANYTHING challenging or hard or unpleasant. Like when D doesn't respond to emails in a timely manner and how it makes me feel....I KNOW I should bring it up, but our visit was so great and I didn't want to bring it down.

Plus, I'm afraid to speak up about anything because D holds the power to close the relationship. I'm not willing to risk losing contact with them just so I can get emails back a little more quickly.

So far? I'm not real able to work through this one, but I'm trying and have found a lot of support and encouragement here

[stinky_kitty]

My biggest obstacle was a social worker who fed my son's adoptive parents nothing but lies. It put the very beginning of our "relationship" at an extreme disadvantage!

[Stormster]

Nobody and nothing to manage my expectations. I had a utopian vision of E having two moms.

Of me having a good friend who loves him at least as much as I do.

Like you TG mom I feel like I can't insist on things like cards and calls or I may drive them away. I don't want to humiliate or embarrass anyone.

I guess I want them to be more involved with him and less with themselves.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

What has been the biggest obstacle you've had to overcome in your relationship with your child's other parents?

My biggest obstacle has been disappointment in that the relationship has not progressed how we as adopting parents had hoped it would. And in not really having anyone to talk about this with because our situations are both quite complex. The disappointment has led to me being quite exhausted with trying to do all the work myself to keep a thread of communication open between our families.

Originally Posted by taramayrn

How were you able to work through the obstacle?

Through seeing a counselor, I've been able to reconcile what I can do with what I'd prefer to happen. I cannot keep up and maintain relationships all on my own. Relationships just don't happen that way. My kids' other families have to want it as well and do some of the work of making our relationships stay open. I've worried for so long that I'm not doing enough to let them know we believe in openness in the relationships with our kids' other families. I have taken the opportunity to speak with each one (which includes both my kids' other moms, and DD's gparents and her sister's adoptive mother) to let them know this and now, have set my own schedule of when to communicate instead of worrying about it all the time. That's all I know to do because I need breaks from the stress and worry some of the time.

[lovemy2boys]

Our biggest obstacle was openness and boundaries...

For years we were all too unsure of our "places" to be open about our feelings and wishes...and too "scared" to put proper boundaries in place.

Even now, after a year of a really great relationship, there's been a bit of a backslide...and I'm too "afraid" to say anything, because I don't want to rock the boat when she's going to be leaving the country in 6 weeks...

I guess we all are afraid to say things at one time or another...

[JustCourtney]

I will have to echo the previous posters, in that the biggest obstacle that I am just now trying to come to terms with is reconciling the person that our son's birth mom is, with who I want her to be.

I have a good friend who is a first mom, and I think that I really projected her and her relationship onto ours. I had envisioned us having a warm friendship, celebrating holidays together (we have the same birthday), and acting like an extended family. All based on my friend, who has worked very hard for 10 years to get to that point in her OA! Pretty much a recipe for disappointment!

During the stress of the last few weeks, I have had to face the reality of our situation, and try to accept it for what it is. No expectations, taking it as it comes, and hoping for a better future. Hasn't exactly left me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, but it will be a more solid base to build on.

[lahdh4]

Disappointment in them. Disappoinment in the fact that I have to get anything going. That I have to live up to the agreement and they can do whatever they wish.
I understand that they are her parents but there is an agreement in place and I have in no way broken that agreement.

[portlowski]

Right now my biggest obstacle is that ds's firstdad has completely dropped out of the picture and does not return e-mails etc. I have found out that he is using herion and spent 10 days in jail. I am very worried about him and have to resist the urge to try and "save" him. He is so young and very alone. his own mom had him at 15 and was addicted to crack. He chose to place his son because he said he didn't want his child to have the kind of childhood he had. i feel that was a self-fulfilling prophecy and now rather than deal with his emotions about placing his son, he has turned to self-destruction. And men don't reach out for support the way women do. I just want him to be healthy, and I want ds to be able to know him and look up to him one day.

ON the other hand, my realtionship with S, my son's first mom, is closer than it ever has been. We have had a lot of great bonding experiences lately, some including our son and some just the 2 of us. And she is going to cut and color my hair this weekend! I really feel like the 2 of us are working together for the benefit of ds.

[belleinblue1978]

Hurt, feeling hurt over things and not being able to communicate my hurt b/c I am afraid it will destroy what little bit of a relationship that we have.

I've had to decide that the only thing that can change is my feelings, b/c I won't change them. I really make an effort to stay positive and do what I can to establish my relationship with my son and worry less about my relationship with his parents.

[finallyamom0310]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

My biggest obstacle has been disappointment in that the relationship has not progressed how we as adopting parents had hoped it would. And in not really having anyone to talk about this with because our situations are both quite complex. The disappointment has led to me being quite exhausted with trying to do all the work myself to keep a thread of communication open between our families.

Blessed, thanks for this. This sums up exactly what I feel. I have even talked with a close friend on here and just recently came to this realization. I don't want to jeopardize chasing DD's BMom off so I don't tell her how frustrating it is to feel it is all one sided communication.

I also feel like Storm does that I guess once it all sank in I envisioned two Moms for DD but don't see it happening. I envisioned a commarade (so to speak) who would enjoy and express the enjoyment of the ups and downs in DD's development, life, etc.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Mine?

Not letting my grief overtake our relationship.

Grief ebbs and flows. It's just the way of grief. New life experiences, like both births of my sons, brought about new waves of grief. And I'll be honest, as I always am, there were times that I did let my grief get in the way of our relationship. I think, most likely, without the therapy that I have been in for three years now, that grief would have overtaken the relationship and we would be left with nothing. Because of that therapy, I have been able to recognize when I am reacting improperly because of my grief. I have been able to apologize when I have reacted improperly because of my grief. AND I have been able to stop myself FROM reacting improperly because of my grief.

There are times when it is all encompassing. I won't lie. Earlier this year when I was deep in the throes of postpartum depression and dealing with some very hard communication and relationship issues with Munchkin's family on top of it, I found it very hard to do anything more than the bare minimum. It was a very hard time for me, no two ways around it. I don't want to relive that part of my life ever again and I am glad to have made it to this other side in one piece with the relationship with my daughter's parents still functioning and moving forward.

I think, even knowing that I can make it through something so difficult which was only further compounded by the grief surrounding the loss of my daughter, I need to be vigilant when grief rears her head. I need to be honest when I'm struggling. I need to let D know when I might need that space or, flip-flopped, might need a bit more contact. I think, at times, it is hard for me to be 100% honest regarding that grief with her because I don't want her to ever feel as though my grief is her fault. I think (or, hope) I have done a good job in communicating that and, if not or even so, I will continue to work on that in the future.

All the same, yes, my grief and the healing work I have been doing regarding that grief have been the biggest obstacle I have had to overcome. Sadly, or maybe not, it will continue to be that biggest obstacle as I don't really think grief is ever something we just up and leave behind.

[loveajax]

Jenna, that is a beautiful post....made me cry.

My biggest "obstacle" has probably been guilt and dealing with that. It's not a productive emotion, I know, and I am getting "somewhat" better with it.

As for "external" obstacles, I am still wondering how the heck to "move forward" if DD's birth parents don't want to tell their children about her. DD is just so old and smart now and I want to handle it the right way while respecting their wishes, etc.

I envy people who seem to have figured it all out!!

[minibus]

Biggest obstacle ... trying to figure out what our relationship is and what it's supposed to be. I don't think that our children's birth mother knows either. I want to be friendly, but at the same time, we can't be "friends" with her. She has so little support and with a friend, I'd be more than willing to loan money, help with clothes, etc., but can't be put into that position with their birth mother.

I also don't know how comfortable she would be knowing about our day-to-day difficulties with the kids (nothing major, just because they're kids!). I don't want to paint everything with roses, but at the same time, I don't want her to regret placing them with us if we talk about the hard times.

I'm also worried that whenever I say something ... anything ... that it could cause her to disappear and we'll never hear back from her again. The agency wouldn't help with facilitating that, so once she decides that she doesn't want to communicate anymore, we are going to lose track of her, to the detriment of our children.

Obviously we haven't "worked through it" yet. All we can do is try!

[taramayrn]

I think for me, one of the biggest obstacles in earlier days was me not feeling like they acknowledged my role in T's life. Things are much better in that area. Maybe they just needed time to get comfortable in their own roles, I don't know.

Also another huge blow was them not coming to our wedding - after 5 years of a good relationship. Without so much of an explination really.