[KatiesEd-dad]

Just throwing out a question to get some feedback to help me understand this better. Our bdad has not told his parents about our DD yet and it's been 3 years. He says they are not bad and evil people, they are not violent but he has his reasons for not telling them. My question for you all on the birth family side of the triad: why wouldn't you tell your parents about their bgrandchild?


Edited to add: A second question: Do the grandparents have a moral right (note, I said moral, not legal) to know. Keep in mind, this is well after TPR and finalization.

[belleinblue1978]

Because I was ashamed of being irresponsible. I was scared of their reaction, I have deep seated fears that they will tell me I'm no longer their daughter because I am adopted. Because I "took away" their grandson. Because I know that adoption hurts them too. Because I know that my dad doesn't believe in open adoption and I can't stand to see his disapproval of my choice to have an open adoption.

That said, about 1.5 years into it I had to tell them. I couldn't carry the pain alone anymore.

As for a moral right, probably, but every family is different so who am I to say if grandparents should or shouldn't know?

[taramayrn]

Honestly, I can't imagine not having my parents' support and love as we have gone through this adoption, so I don't know why someone wouldn't tell their parents. However, I can imagine that there are some who would be ashamed to tell their famiiles, or would be worried about the adoptive family's safety in cases where the bio family has some abuse/addiction issues. I have also heard of bmoms who didn't tell their families because they knew they would have interfered with either the adoption process or would take over so to speak.
As for morally should they know? Well I don't know, that's hard to say.

[JustPeachy]

He could have any number of reasons. Maybe they are unstable in some way, maybe they would never understand his choice to terminate his rights, maybe they'd want to interfere in ways that he is not comfortable with, maybe they have poor or non-existant boundaries, maybe it would be too complicated for him emotionally, maybe they would disapprove or be ashamed of what he did, etc.

As far as if they have a moral right to know, I can't say with certainty across the board, because I really do feel it's an individual thing, and I do think it's up to the parent to decide if they want grandparents to know.

My mom knows I had a child that I placed (I mean, I was living at home when I was pregnant, so I couldn't exactly hide it), but she has no idea the level of communication I've had over the years. I've shared some pictures and updates with her. She does not know I have my son's identifying information. Why? She is emotionally unstable, has very poor boundaries, is inappropriately needy, can be very manipulative, and if she knew I knew his whereabouts, she would badger me for the information. Is she a bad person/violent?? No. Has her behavior affected me negatively. Absolutely. She has trouble in all of her interpersonal relationships and I have to keep a distance with her for my own emotional well being. If my son and I were in reunion, I know my mom would do something to sabotage it. So....I continue to keep my mom out of the process for now. If my son wants to meet her, that is a bridge to cross when I get to it, but I would not be comfortable with my mom having contact with my son until he and I were first on very solid footing. Even then, I would be a nervous wreck, just because I know how she is and what she is capable of.

[geogdeb]

I gave birth and relinquished in 1979. My parents were divorced. We lived in a different state from my father. I never told him. I am now in reunion with my son. Everyone who did not know before (in my family) now knows about him. In fact, most of my coworkers know about him as well as all my friends. But not my dad. I saw him last month. I didn't tell him. Why? He is a stable successful man, but wasn't a good father to me. He was never around. I don't want to share this with him. He doesn't pay attention to the grandkids (from his first marriage) that he knows about. So why would he even care?

The point is, you don't know the bdad's situation or relationship with his family. It is his choice. I would leave it at that.

IMO

Deb

[Free_to_be_me]

The only relatives that I told about my baby when she was a baby were my mom and step-dad. I was living with them when I was pregnant and when I placed. I finally told the rest of my relatives (including my biological father) when the baby was about three years old. Before that, I just wasn't ready to tell them...

[KatiesEd-dad]

Thanks for the replies so far. Just to clarify a couple of things. I have talked to him on the phone once and we discussed the subject for a bit. He swears that his parents are perfectly normal, loving parents (I specifically asked if the reason that he didn't tell them was some kind of issue with their stability, psych issue, violence, substance abuse, etc.). He assured me that they were very normal people and that he had a great childhood. This is why it leaves me wondering. What does he have to fear? It's not like he robbed a bank, had sex with a goat or was abducted by aliens.

My other issue with him is not living up to his word. I asked him for only 2 things. One to fill out his health history and the second thing was a family photo to show my daughter. He promised that he would do both things. I promised I wouldn't tell his parents. He hasn't lived up to his promise. I have. What bothers me is that I'm being told by our SW that he has no moral obligation to fulfill his promises but I do. How is this fair? BTW, his mom works in the same industry as DW and I and there would be a slim chance that we might come across each other professionally some day.

Another thing that really bothers me is that everyone's focus (not here on the forum, but IRL) has been on how this effects the bdad and no one has given any consideration on how this will effect Katie.

Anyhow, keep the replies coming. They've given me some things to think about at least.

[belleinblue1978]

Ed,

If you've read anything I've written about my mom and dad you'll know how awesome they are to me.

I fear hurting them so much because of everything they have done for me.

As for the family picture thing, sometimes stuff like that takes time, figuring out your self worth and why your child would be interested in anything about you when you "abandoned" them. (Not saying you think that, first parents hear that alot from society though.) As for the health information, do you ask during every conversation? Could he be feeling like that is all you want from him? I'm not saying that is the case, just thinking about things that I have though over the years.

If you don't get it, a kid can make it to adulthood without genetic information, lots of us did back in the day of only closed adoptions. Not fun, but it can be done.

[KatiesEd-dad]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Ed,

If you've read anything I've written about my mom and dad you'll know how awesome they are to me.

I fear hurting them so much because of everything they have done for me.

As for the family picture thing, sometimes stuff like that takes time, figuring out your self worth and why your child would be interested in anything about you when you "abandoned" them. (Not saying you think that, first parents hear that alot from society though.) As for the health information, do you ask during every conversation? Could he be feeling like that is all you want from him? I'm not saying that is the case, just thinking about things that I have though over the years.

If you don't get it, a kid can make it to adulthood without genetic information, lots of us did back in the day of only closed adoptions. Not fun, but it can be done.

Thanks, Belle. To answer your question, I've only talked to him once. Our DD was having seizures and with only half of her history it was very frustrating. I did get a verbal history from him but it was off the cuff and to be honest I'm sure he knew very little about his family history. The only reason he even called then was because I let him know, through the agency, that if he didn't give us some information I would get it from his parents. Both my wife and I are healthcare providers and yes you can make it through your life without knowing your history but it's kind of like playing Russian roulette.

What brought all of this up was that we were talking with our SW about updating our homestudy since it's been about a year since we entered the adoption pool for number 2. She brought up the whole subject which got me to thinking about it again.

[belleinblue1978]

The only thing I can say is this...... if you go to his parents, it will be a major betrayal and he probably won't have anything to do with you ever again, I wouldn't. That will hurt your daughter.

As for the Russian roulette thing, yeah, you're right, but I made it and my son will too. There is only so much you can do sometimes.

[KatiesEd-dad]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

The only thing I can say is this...... if you go to his parents, it will be a major betrayal and he probably won't have anything to do with you ever again, I wouldn't. That will hurt your daughter.

As for the Russian roulette thing, yeah, you're right, but I made it and my son will too. There is only so much you can do sometimes.

I hear you on that. The only situation I could possibly imagine doing that in were a life and death situation (think bone marrow donor, etc) and then all bets are off.

[paigeturner]

Ed,

I understand that as a parent you were probably frantic when dealing with Katie’s medical issues and that as a health care provider you have a full understanding of the importance of having a full medical history.

But, from what you’ve stated here, you’ve only talked to him once, after threatening to go to his parents. Do you think that under the circumstance he was completely candid to you about his relationship with his parents? His reasons for not wanting his parents to know about your daughter are his own. Whether or not he has a moral obligation to tell them is really none of your business. He does however have a moral obligation, IMO, to your daughter to follow through on his commitments to her. She deserves to have her full medical background.

I would recommend building trust with him and continue to stress the importance for Katie to have important medical information. I would be very cautious with ever bringing his parents into the situation. Perhaps you could start by just asking him for a picture of himself without his family for now?

I really hope you can get this worked out over time. BTW, I always enjoy reading your posts about Katie. You seem like a very loving dad.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by KatiesEd-dad

I hear you on that. The only situation I could possibly imagine doing that in were a life and death situation (think bone marrow donor, etc) and then all bets are off.

I'm with you there. I would be busting down my first families' doors if my son needed something like that. I've been respectful of their lack of caring if I have knowledge of myself, but something major, yeah, they'd have to "deal" with me.

[Stormster]

So it's ok for some triad members to break promises and not others? Um I don't think so.

There may not be anything I can do about it but I am extremely disappointed we didn't get the things we were promised for his life book that we were told we were mailed (along with his birthday card).

We entered this OA because we thought E was going to know both of his families. They live too far away for frequent visits and we always knew the life book was how we wanted to slowly learn about his adoption. Now we don't have it, or the birthday cards.

I don't think this is ok esp. if you entered this agreement with a set of expectations based on promises that were made to you about it.

Belle the point is I would not have entered into a closed adoption so I don't think it's fair to be so cavalier about oh well we survived it so can he or she. I don't WANT him to have to survive it because an ADULT didn't keep his or her promise to him and to us. ETA Sorry Ed to make this about me but it is really about you guys.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Belle the point is I would not have entered into a closed adoption so I don't think it's fair to be so cavalier about oh well we survived it so can he or she. I don't WANT him to have to survive it because an ADULT didn't keep his or her promise to him and to us. ETA Sorry Ed to make this about me but it is really about you guys.

Cavalier? Hardly, you should see the sneers I get when I can't give information.

Do you have any clue how crappy it feels when your kid is lying in the hospital dying and you get told you have a low IQ b/c you are adopted and can't give genetic background? And then have the doctors ask your child's potential adoptive parents if they are sure they want to adopt this kid because she probably has a low IQ and he will probably be retarded?

I'm not being cavalier, I'm saying it can be done. I know how **** hard it is, trust me. My parents wish they would have had information for me growing up, it probably would have avoided some REALLY serious health issues I have had over the years.

I'm also not saying that this man shouldn't live up to his promises, but you know, placing a child for adoption leaves alot of processing to do on the back end of it. This young man may really not even understand why the health information is important. Young men think they are invincible and alot of them don't understand how important genetics are.

I feel pretty crappy about having to make the choice that I did, and pretty crappy about not having the information to give.

I'd be hurt if the one contact I got was a threat, wouldn't you? I probably wouldn't be real forthcoming with information either.