[SchmennaLeigh]

The Munchkin's Mom messaged me the other night. She's a member of a MOMS club. They were having a dinner the other night. The topic of discussion was how long it took to conceived their children.

When it was D's turn, she said, simply, how long they tried to conceive and then that they adopted Munchkin and later used IVF when it came time for JD. Another Mom then looked at her phone, said "I gotta go, " and left. Later D found out that the disappearing Mom had placed her firstborn for adoption.

D isn't sure what to do about this situation. Placing myself in the shoes of the other birth mother, I probably would have freaked as well, assuming that D was going to be like the majority of adoptive parents I have run into in my small area (meaning that she doesn't have an open adoption or respectful relationship with her child's first family). However, D's concern about approaching her to discuss the topic is that she doesn't want to get the Mom in trouble that told her that the Other Birth Mom is a birth mother.

So, how would you advise D to handle this? Have you experienced something like this as a birth mother or an adoptive mother?

She needs answers by Friday! Hit me!

[BrandyHagz]

Open the door, but let her walk through if she wants. I mean, who knows where she is with her adoption story? Every story is different and everyone reacts different to it.

Maybe D can have a short discussion about OA and the relationship you guys have? Maybe that will allow her to see she isn't the kind to hold 'ill feelings' towards birth parents.

Or

Maybe it will make it worse. We just don't know, without knowing her story, how she will react.

Or D can ask the mom who disclosed to approach the situation.

Dunno, toughy for sure.

[bromanchik]

There are ways for her to respect her privacy. She could say, "The other day wen I was talking about my story you seemed upset. Do you have some connection to adoption? It can be a really emotional thing." Or something like that. Opens a door, gives her an out, lets her know she understands...

[Leigh131313]

I dunno.... if she feels the need to say something, I'd probably go with Brenda's suggestion.

The thing is - D was just telling her story. I kinda compare it to when people talk about labor and delivery with me (and all that other stuff about having babies). Somedays it's a tough conversation - other days it doesn't bug me. I certainly do NOT want my friends babystepping around my feelings all the time. It's MY issue to deal with, ya know?

I'm not saying to disregard this woman or her feelings.....but I think sometimes you have to accept that some topics are going to be harder for other people to talk about, and that isn't YOUR issue.

[BrockBaby]

I think that brenda's suggestion is the best as well. Perhaps she can even say something to the effect that she had talked with her child's bmom about sharing at the meeting....not like Hey, I hear you are a bmom too.....but just put it out there in a "normal" conversation.

[taramayrn]

That's a tough one, but I do like Brenda's situation.

[thanksgivingmom]

I vote for Brenda's suggestion too

[donnaparadise]

It is probably too late as you 'needed an answer by Friday', however, I have a question for you and D:

Why would you say anything?

What would you achieve by approaching someone who has not opened the door, who has not indicated that she would welcome any conversation about a private thing and that you are guessing might be upset about something that was said, but really aren't sure.

It seems to me that something was said in the context of an open meeting where there were several members.

One member decided to leave.

Two members decided to gossip about that member's reason for leaving, really not even sure if they were accurate or not and now,

someone wants to approach this member about something that is none of their business, really.

My question: Why?

Why do you feel you have to say anything or try to fix something that might not even need fixing?

As a bmother, I would be upset that others were talking about me and assuming they understood why I left a meeting, which I had a right to do. I would be upset that people didn't seem to have more to do with their time than gossip about me and if approached, would be upset at the obvious blurring of appropriate social boundaries and the subtle attempt to get into my private affairs.

Better than saying anything to her at all, I would simply say Hello at the next meeting and let her take the lead. Not all bmothers spend every waking hour of the day being upset about relinquishment and don't make every discussion, conversation, etc., about how hurt they feel and do not need to be fixed.

Just my .02

[Leigh131313]

a very excellant point Donna

[agathaj]

I'm with Donna about this. If i wanted to talk about adoption then I would do so. I have had people who supposedly don't know ie some idiot has told them I am a first mother but it's a secret nd then they try to draw me out. I see through it and change the subject or if they try real hard I look ignorant and say something ignorant about the topic to annoy them and change the topic again or else leave...If they were the type of friend I would tell, then I would have told them...end of story.