[Vogi2002]

I thought I would start a thread here for those of us in an open adoption - bparent, aparent, adoptee alike!!

This is for the everyday ups and downs of open adoption, from people who understand and are there. Just a support thread to share the good, bad, and ugly!!

****THIS IS NOT A DEBATE THREAD. IF YOU WISH TO DEBATE OPEN ADOPTION PLEASE START YOUR OWN THREAD.****

[Vogi2002]

Okay I will start. I have two very different open adoptions with my kids. One is not what you could consider open at the point, the other is very much open!!

My first child's open adoption has been hard in many ways. The bparents are not as open, didn't have counseling, have show disrespect, and we have had a few safety concerns, which is why we have not had visits in more than a year. I just started sending pictures & updates a few months ago after a year of nothing either (same safety concerns). I am in contact with some birth aunts and cousins via myspace though, and they have all been very nice.

This is the hardest one for me to accept. I mourn my hope for an OA with my oldest son all the time. My dh is more black and white, so he does not *ever* want to continue visits, I hold out hope still. I know we could go there, and my heart wants to thinking maybe we can start up contact again, but my brain *and a few other people including my youngest son's bmom* tells me that it isn't safe, and they need to come here and prove themselves to us first (that they can be respectful, and for safety).

Now...my second son's adoption is FABULOUS. The bmom is so much like me, we could be best friends if we had just met! We talk all the time (at least once a week), I send her videos / pictures on my phone all the time, plus I text her any updates as they happen (like him rolling over on Thurs! YAY!). We try to visit as much as we can, she lives "in town" though that is still a good hour or so away. She is so respectful, and even when she needs a break or is having a hard time, it's just sort of "understood" that she will call me when she is up to it. And she does! Now...my son is still very very little, but I see nothing changes. She is trying to improve her life, even though she is very level headed, it's mostly emotional, and she takes advantage of the counseling our agency offers.

I even find her calling me to talk about things if she needs to and nobody else is available. With the respect she has for my place in my son's life...it's amazing to me that I don't have the extreme guilt as with the first. I just can listen!

So...two very different adoptions. I look forward to sharing with you all!!

[Vogi2002]

Okay well it may just end up as a blog for me! LOL

My first son's birthaunt just called...his birthmom wants a visit but aren't sure when!! YAY!! A visit!!!! The possibility is thrilling!

[Stormster]

Hello now it's not a blog Vogi!

I believe in OA with all my heart but today our OA SUCKS.

I can't even say it! But Vogi I'm here.

[thanksgivingmom]

Vogi - I LOVE you for starting this thread!

Background if you don't know: I placed my DD that was born on Thanksgiving in 2006. Her Mom is a single Mom that asked me to be in an open adoption. Oh, and I used Safe Haven. I guess that's pretty important too. We've had two visits in the past nearly two years and email each other now and then, but with no set schedule for the visits or the updates. Yep, I think that's about it



Today, my OA is rockin awesome. I got an email from Cupcake's Mom yesterday. She last emailed me July 17th saying she had to check her calendar and get back to me. Well a month later I was feeling a little hopeless and was ready to crawl under a rock and hide from my OA for a while. But then I got my email and better yet, I got my visit!

I think we're looking at Sept. 27th and I could not be more thrilled! (It hasn't set in yet so the nerves and emotions haven't kicked up).


I'm SO excited to talk about what happens in my OA here - sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes ugly, but for me? Always worth it for my Cupcake.

[blessedbybug]

You're not alone on this thread Vogi. We've just got sickies and other stuff here so I haven't been around. This kind of thread is desperately needed as I'd love to share and talk about our very complex OAs. And without feeling judged for our decisions. And honestly, I want to post, but I'm worried like every other thread that the request to support and not debate will go unheeded. Not so brave at the moment I guess. So I'm listening and hoping to participate, maybe soon. I am thrilled you got that phone call! It feels good doesn't it, when you've hoped for awhile that something positive would happen. I do know that feeling! Yay!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Today, my OA is rockin awesome. I got an email from Cupcake's Mom yesterday. She last emailed me July 17th saying she had to check her calendar and get back to me. Well a month later I was feeling a little hopeless and was ready to crawl under a rock and hide from my OA for a while. But then I got my email and better yet, I got my visit!

I think we're looking at Sept. 27th and I could not be more thrilled! (It hasn't set in yet so the nerves and emotions haven't kicked up).


I'm SO excited to talk about what happens in my OA here - sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes ugly, but for me? Always worth it for my Cupcake.

Yay for a planned visit!!! I read your blog but things have been crazy here and I'm barely catching up from moving/traveling/puking, you know, all the fun stuff!!! I am just so excited for you!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

I believe in OA with all my heart but today our OA SUCKS.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Stormster))))))))))))))))) )))))))

[Vogi2002]

Aw Storm - I'm sorry today it is sucking. My OA is so up and down with C's...with Ch's it does have a few of it's times (when I'm second guessing things LOL). If you want to talk about it feel free... NO judgement will be allowed here. Of course sometimes you just need to yell "OA SUCKS" to people that know you just mean it for 5 minutes.

Tmom - YAYY for a planned visit. I know to think you are going to have a visit, and having one DOWN ON PAPER is so different!! It's too bad yall couldn't schedule two visits at once or anything. Wouldn't that be great? Or better yet she could just send you an email every day that she appreciates and loves you. LMAO Wouldn't that be AWESOME! I too need a place where people get it, where all those emotional ups and downs can be talked about. What visit is this for you? Third?

Blessed - Sorry you have sickies....I do too both my kids are getting over RSV (well the baby probably didn't have it but started showing a few symptoms) I'm so sick of breathing treatments! Please feel free to join. Debating will NOT be tolerated. If someone does we will all be forced to ignore them till they leave :P


Okay so another update (wow two in one day!), just got off the phone with the birthaunt we are closest to. I have no idea where the bdad is (they are back together, bmom & bdad). He is "somewhere" & they want a visit "when he gets back" according to his other baunt. Confused yet? me too!!! Well anyways I ask her where he could be, and she is like "oh lord bmom will have to tell you that." I asked Prison but I don't think it is...who knows!!


Anyways - I'm so glad y'all are participating on the thread, I too needed a place...just to talk about daily ups and downs. Please don't feel like you will be judged. This is an everyday support thread. People (all of us) have individual OA's and are very different. We are here to respect & appreciate that...not defend it! Some place where people can come & read up on REAL OA's, good, bad, ugly, beautiful!

[Leigh131313]

I promise to participate - but my inlaws are here right now so I don't have time....But I'll give my story tomorrow!! Besides vogi - you already know it!! lol

[Stormster]

Look at this myspace message I got just now from E's biological Aunt (bmother's sister)

"Although I have never met you, you seem absolutely wonderful and the baby seems very happy! How great for all of you! Thank you for adding me"

I'ts JUST what I needed!!!!! How nice is that?

[Vogi2002]

Leigh - yeah you'd better play. don't make me go up there....waaay wayyy up there eh?

Storm - YAAAY, I recently got a message like that also from a birthaunt (bmom aunt) & OMG it is just amazing. It's like they are telling you that you are not only his mom but a good one at that!

[Stormster]

I know It's the BEST feeling! Total validation! It's been a month since I added her and didn't think she would respond.

Ok so I'll tell you why I was down. 3 things. E's birth mother is "on the run" from her boyfriend (not E's Bfather). She's literally gone underground and I have no way of reaching her. This guy is just like Julia Robert's husband in that movie where she has to run away or swim away or whatever. It's really scary and the whole thing is so sordid and it makes me very sad

I don't know if I'm sad for her or for us because sometimes I don't know if she's ever going to be together enough for the kind of OA I want but hey make plans God laughs and all that.... trying to go with the flow and not be perfectionist about stuff. (I'd better not be perfectionist because MAN we've got quite a crew in this OA! LOL)

Then the lifting of our family album from our Myspace to hers. Some of her friends are great ...others not so much. (Prison shots on myspace!) And can't reach her to ask her to take it off.

And finally had a very awkward convo with E's bio father yesterday. He was so sad and sweet and just not himself. I felt like I said so many stupid things....I was trying too hard to cheer him up. Ugh it was so awkward. No other word for it.

So those three things left me kind of embarrassed and scared and depressed.

Ok now you can support me.

[Vogi2002]

LOL at your last comment Storm!

Okay I have those convo's with biodad every time he calls. I get off the phone going "why the HECK did I say this and that?!!" Not to mention he mumbles so I can hardly every hear him. It's hard when you are trying to be positive & keep the talk light (or keep the talk at ALL).

I'm so sorry she is on the run...it's so dissapointing because it's just on and off huh? Never knowing when you will talk again is scary...and hard to get your mind wrapped around. It's hard to not worry about someone like that because, to us, that is SO far out there you are scared for them! But with some people that is thier everyday life.

Myspace...sigh...oh have I been there with big C. Taking photos from ours...calling him by his birth name om descriptions...all sorts of fun little myspace issues. Nothing helped us, I tried to email but that was turned completely around & nearly ruined our relationship. I tried to keep it private but there really isn't a way to keep them from right clicking then saving. KWIM? I am private, which is why I have so many pics on mine, but they aren't! I will say that now I feel less crazy about it...but that is probably because they didn't take TOO many pics. But it's still like HEY! Ask me first!! BTW - friend me!! I'll PM you my name!

P.s BTW everyone - just got a text from little C's bmom...just seeing if the boys are okay & saying she misses us!! I heart her! We are setting up a family day soon, zoo, or something. That is just what she called it too...family day. See? Love her!

[lahdh4]

Vogi, I think you are great to start this.
As many know my open went south when Supergirl, possibly said something after our last visit. I had to wait 3 months for word from them about this.
It has been almost a month and I have moved from depression into full blown anger.
It took me 2 1/2 weeks to open pictures that they sent and I still have not sent a Thank you, as I usually do.