[thanksgivingmom]

feeling - I'm glad you came to a decision that works for you

Suzie - So glad you could just bump into her and have a nice, normal interaction. I'm sure things like that will go a long way on both your ends.

As usual, nothing new here! I'll probably send an email about another visit end of next month or so...hopefully we can get something on the books for September or October. (Though it would be REALLY nice if one of these times Dee would contact ME about the visit, but that's just hoping!)

[feelingreyt]

TGM,
A fall visit would be Awsome!
Hopefully Dee will contact you first, but if that doesn't happen, don't let it stop you(or make you feel guilty or whatever) from contacting her!

[thanksgivingmom]

Yeah, I'm not going to....I can't you know?

It always is such a bummer because her birthday always falls a month or two after our visit....I dont' want to push the visit back that far though....hopefully one day we'll be able to fiddle the schedule around so it won't be eight months between visits but I can still see her near her birthday. It's CRAZY to think that we're a few months away from THREE YEARS OLD!!!!

[Suziebearhugs]

Time sure does fly by.

[quantum]

I need to get that bracelet done for you before your visit!
:-)

[lahdh4]

Hey everyone.
Just doing a quick pop in. Really just don't where I want to be today.
NOTHING is happening and it is ticking me off more and more.

[belleinblue1978]

Leigh,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The no response is worse than even an angry response isn't it?

[portlowski]

Hi all...I have spent quite a bit of time on the adoptive parent board but recently started reading his thread and thought I'd say hi. I am the adoptive mom of a son and we have an open adoption with his birthmom and her family. My son is now 2 and a half and I can see that he is starting to understand that his relationship with S is somehow different than it is with other people. I have often told him, "this is S, your birthmom. She is the first mommy you ever had and she took care of you beofre you were born. You were in her tummy." This past weekend we went to visit and when I told him his birthstory he seemed afriad. I saw a look of worry cross his face...maybe I have given him the impression that he'll be changing mommies all the time. Who knows what a 2 year old brain thnks of when you try to frame things in certain terms?

Anyhoo...our visit was interesting I took a nap at S's house (she lives with her parents) while she and her mom and dad and her boyfriend took DS to an amusement park. They have offered to babysit but so far that has been too much of a boundary issue for me and I am not sure extacly why. I trust them completely. But I am still unsure what the "right" thing to do is in open adoption and if too much openness wil lead to confusion or a sense that DS is not living "where he belongs". Both of our familes (DH and mine) accpet him 100% as part of our family. I want him to be every bit at home as all of his cousins who were born into the family.

Well...we are living and learning and trying to figure it out!

[quantum]

I think it's great portlowski!
And the thing is, he'll just be growing up knowing it's normal, knowing it's ok.

[thanksgivingmom]

Sounds like a great visit portlowski!

I know of families with open adoptions that DO things like babysitting etc., and the kids are still VERY clear on roles. That doesn't mean this has to be something that you're okay with, just pointing out that it certainly can work without added confusion.

My DD is 2 1/2 and at visits I can see the wheels turning in her pretty little head - and I swear, she "gets" way more than I would have expected her to...

[portlowski]

Thanks TG and Quantum.

I think I am going through yet another re-evaluation of our OA (not in a bad way). I somehow thought once I had it "figured out" it would stay that way. but now that DS is 2 and a half, I realize that he is beginning to understand things and that means adjustment in terms of the way we handle OA. I don't mean less contact...I mean that I have to think about how DS will understand things. A few months ago he was barely talking. Now he understands better and remembers more and asks questions...very simple questions but questions nonetheless.

We have been having visits about once every 4 to 6 weeks, plus chatting on the phone and sending lots of pics and videos. Also...I am freelancing for S's mom's company and S cuts my hair and she was in a short radio play I directed last year. So as you can see, things are pretty comfortable between the families. I want DS to have a close relationship with them and to know how much they love him. I also want him to feel fully "at home" with us. I know they are not mutually exclusive. I tend to overthink things..can you tell?

[Suziebearhugs]

Things do change as they get older in open adoption.

With both my kids I think they started to really "get it" at around 3-4 years old.

The kids go from just having fun with their birthparents or in my sons case (not remembering anything) to an over load of questions and comments about their birthparents as they try to understand.

It can be difficult to make the transition. Just like any other aspect of their young lives. They will ask a gazillion questions over and over again and will talk non stop about them and constantly write and draw things for them.

It can be annoying(just like their questions of when they can have a treat over and over again). There have been times where if I saw one more picture or one more question or comment I felt like I was about to loose my mind.

But if you keep answering the questions and allowing them to talk about it then they will understand and get a good grasp on who everyone is in their life and where they all fit in.

It can be difficult on yourself as well. With the bombardment of questions and comments it may make you feel a little shaky as to where you and your family fit in in your childs life, or make you question wether your child will grow up healthy and adjusted with the adoption. It may even make you question if "open adoption" is really right for your child, or if it will all just be too confusing.

It's important to remember that this is all just a normal stage of development. It will pass and your child will feel like it's all just a "normal" part of his/her life. They will still love you and will know who their parents and family are. While still understanding that they also have birthparents and birthfamily that love them and have a special place in their family and life as well.

I don't think we'll (or maybe I should say "I") will ever get to that perfect spot in my mind regarding adoption. Why? Because just as soon as you feel your finally in a really good spot things change. People change, our lives change, and kids grow up. It's inevitable that we will constantly be faced with challenges, questions, and new fears that you have to work through. And that's just the begining. The older they get more and more things will come up.

As long as we have a life long "goal" in our mind and reason for why we do what we do or why we choose open adoption for our child we can make it through any hurdle or any challenge that comes our way. It's easy to get caught up on the little things along the way. But if you keep your perspective focused on the future, many of those little things just seem so trivial in the long scheme of things.

[Suziebearhugs]

I had the question come up the other day that I've been pondering and dreading for quite some time.

My dd asked if she could spend the night at her birthsisters house (birthmom's house).

I've been debating these type of things over in my head for the last several years now.

What is appropriate for our family? How much contact? How open of contact? We've only ever allowed visits where we were also there close by. They've never taken her places or had her at their house without us around. Part of me would love to feel comfortable enough to allow it but I just don't and I have come to accept it. I'm not saying we'll never feel comfortable enough to allow it, it's just that we haven't reached that point yet.

Since I had already been prepared for this question it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and she took it very well.

I basically just told her that we only meet with them as a family, that it's my job to make sure she is safe and in the past her birthmom hasn't always had the safest lifestyle, but we could get together and meet with them again sometime soon.

She seemed satisfied with that answer for now.

But I know that she will soon start asking more questions like "well, if it's safe enough for her to raise my birthsister than why isn't it safe enough for me?" Or something like that. I guess we'll handle that when it comes.

But for now I'm happy that she seems content with what we feel comfortable with.

We have had her birthsister spend the night here a long time ago and that is still an option we are okay with. Even though I know it's not "fair", that her birthsister can spend the night here but she can't spend the night at her house. And I know it's not fair to her birthmom as well, to feel like we can't or don't trust her, when she is asked to trust us with her child. But I can't do anything about that. At least not right now. We just wouldn't feel comfortable at all with our dd spending the night at her house.

[portlowski]

Suzie...your response was really helpful to me. Trying to remain open and flexible and being willing to learn and grow in our relationships while keeping our kids secure and safe...that's what it's all about!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by Suziebearhugs

It can be difficult on yourself as well. With the bombardment of questions and comments it may make you feel a little shaky as to where you and your family fit in in your childs life, or make you question wether your child will grow up healthy and adjusted with the adoption. It may even make you question if "open adoption" is really right for your child, or if it will all just be too confusing.

It's important to remember that this is all just a normal stage of development. It will pass and your child will feel like it's all just a "normal" part of his/her life. They will still love you and will know who their parents and family are. While still understanding that they also have birthparents and birthfamily that love them and have a special place in their family and life as well.

Suzie - I think that this just opened my eyes to something I'd never really thought about - so thank you!

It does seem that it's at the intense repetetive question asking stage that adoptions seem most likely to close. In a way, it makes sense that an adoptive parent could take the often asked questions about birthfamily as some sort of worrisome sign - that the child is obsessing, or is confused and needs constant reassurance.

But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, "It's important to remember that this is all just a normal stage of development. It will pass and your child will feel like it's all just a "normal" part of his/her life."

I spent a week with my 2 1/2 year old and 7 year old nephews, and was reminded how repetetive kids can be.

I thought back to when the 7 year old was younger - say and 5. He was CONSTANTLY asking what time it was. Every minute it seemed - did we think he was obsessed with time? Did we take away clocks? No - we taught him how to tell time rather than avoiding it.

He asks LOTS of questions about Phinneas and Ferb - are they real? Did they really do that? Can kids do that? Why is a platapus a secret agent? How did he become one? You name it! Does he have an unhealthy obsession about Phinneas and Ferb? Or is he just curious and inquisitive?

All the "normal" things that kids ask about are viewed as just part of being a (sometimes annoying, haha) kid! But when their attention turns to thier first families, it somehow is symbolic of some sort of unhealthy interest for them.....Which really doesn't make any sense.

Sorry, I realize I'm going off on a tangent, but it really did just click for me - at least in the way I'll engage in this discussion in the future, so thanks!