[KLL08]

I'm so sorry Suzie.

[kakuehl]

Susie,
I would go; even if bmom isn't comfortable with the contact right now (and I can think of a number of reasons -- none of which have anything to do with you -- we bmoms are pretty good at beating ourselves up and cutting off our noses to spite our faces!) Obviously at least part of the bfamily is interested in maintaining a relationship and I think that's important for your DD. It may also help with bmom.

I do hear your pain. In so many of our relationships (in life, but especially in adoption) we have to grieve the relationship we hoped for or dream of before we can deal with the relationship (or lack of) that does exist.

[feelingreyt]

Suzie,
I'm so sorry that the relationship between your dd and her bmom is not what you hoped it would be.

I don't know if I'd go to the party or not. I do know that I would feel more comfortable going if we were ACTUALLY invited. If I felt like her bmom was pressured into the invite, I most likely would not go.

Good luck with your decision. And go ahead and cry. Sometimes we all need a good release!

[Suziebearhugs]

We ended up going after all. I called her birthmom before we left just to make sure that it was alright with her and to confirm the time.

It was pretty much like normal for the first hour. THEN, it was like a miracle happened.

My dd clung to her bmom and dragged her all over chuck-e-cheese playing every 2 player game she could find and played air hockey several times with her.

Her bmom was beaming from ear to ear and instead of just hanging back and not getting into it like usual, she was right there with her, smiling, laughing, playing. It was truly amazing. Exactly how I always hoped it could be.

As if it couldn't get ANY better. It DID!!! Her birthmom was also engaging in conversation with ME??? She was smiling and laughing and talking to me on several occasions through out the rest of our visit.

We ALL actually had FUN and enjoyed each other. It was wonderful.

But there was one part I still have nagging at my mind. Her bmom left several times to go smoke outside during the party. After one of her last trips out she came back and looked different to me. Before she left she was smiling and active. But when she came back she was different. Her eyes looked a litte red, they seemed a little lazy, she seemed slower in her speech as well. This has happened before...and I suspect that she was smoking more than just cigarets. (she has a history of drug use, she supposedly quite meth but I'm pretty sure she still does other things, like pot, as well as drinks).

I'm so thrilled with how wonderful our visit went. Though I am completley anti-drug/alchohol use. So while I noticed SOME use. None of her behaviors were in-appropriate or dangerous and she wasn't overly drunk or stoned or anything. I wish I could talk to her and tell her "hey i know that you were using and can you please not do that when your around my dd", but everything went so well that I don't want to bring up anything negative.

Infact all I want to do is write her and THANK her for such a wonderful visit and give her some copies of the photos and video's I took.

But I'm not sure if saying nothing would be a mistake. Maybe I should address it. But then again, this is her life, I can't make her choices for her and it wasn't like this was a planned visit. This was a party for her own daughter and we just happened to be guests at it. We can take it or leave it, accept her as is or walk away.

If all our visits could be so postive, comfortable and enjoyable as this visit than I'm inclined not to say anything at all. Until or unless it becomes a problem. Or is the fact that we noticed it at all a problem, that needs to be addressed?

(If all visits could be this good does it really matter if she might need a little something to get her to this point? I hate to even think or justify drug use. )

I'm sure having my dd all over her and completley enthralled with her is what really lifted her spirits and made her so giddy and happy.

But either way. It's nice to see her and my dd so happy and playing together and nice to see that she was also communicating with me and seemed to have a nice time.

[belleinblue1978]

Suzie,

I'm glad you had a good visit.

You know, you should say something about the drinking/drugs, but I would suggest you use the word our rather than my. Make it about doing something right for someone that she has a tie to, rather than just being an order from you.

[feelingreyt]

Suzie,
I'm glad your visit went so well.

I'm sure you're almost afraid to say something about the drug use because you want every visit from now on to be positive. BUT, if you noticed her using, as your dd gets older she will notice as well. It would be best to let her know NOW how you feel about drug use aound your dd. It won't be easy and choose your words wisely, but I really think you should address this.

[feelingreyt]

Ok, so I have decided to put some money, $20 into J's cellmates account. I have thought long and hard about this. I have also talked to S about it because she has been having visits with J. She really feels like the "friend" will give J her comminsary funds. She has really helped J get settled in and has given her things that she needs. So I will do it this ONE time and see how it goes.
I know most of you disagree, but I feel in my heart that I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

On another note, ds's biogreatgrandmother stopped by the shop today to borrow a pen. To borrow a PEN! She was on her way to the funeral home and needed to sign something she had bought for the deceased. So anyway, I tell her that I had to take H to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital for some tests and she looked at me blankly. She never once asked if they found out anything, NOTHING. She did not ask one question about him. I showed her some pics I had on my phone and she was like "Oh, he's cute", but seemed like I was putting her out by showing her pics! Like some stranger might feel! I'm just floored by her attitude.
Then we started talking about S adopting the girls. She actually had the nerve to say, in a very condesending way, that S was afraid she may have to give up her $50nail appts. She then said THAT(meaning money) is why S wasn't sure she would adopt all 3 girls! I was like WTH???? I told her that taking on the responsibilities of 3 children is something that requires alot of thought and it DOES change your money situation. AND yes, S is giving ALOT for those girls because she LOVES them. They(biofamily) are very lucky that S wants to pick up the slack and take up J's responsibilities! Then she said, well I'm just glad the kids aren't in my house!
Oh that woman! The more I see of her the LESS I want to see of her! Too bad she is family!

[Suziebearhugs]

I wouldn't know how to approach the topic without causing her more hurt and possibly ruining whatever it is that is finally going right here.

She's very hard on herself. She hates herself for how she used to be and for not being the mother she should have been to her dd.

She also has had a history of blaming me or others for her mistakes.

Not long ago "she" brought up how she wasn't smoking in the house or around her daughter anymore. We talked for a moment of how much her life has changed (since she quite meth.) and how proud I was of her and how proud she was of herself. Then, she became really down on herself, remembering some of the choices she's made and all that she's lost because of it and she really had a break down.

So I'm worried that if I do bring up "drug use" again she might become really hard on herself. Or blame me and feel like I'll never be happy with anything she does, even when she gives it her best and we have a wonderful visit.

It's just been so long since we've even come close to a visit as good as the one we just had. Infact, if I really look back this truly was OUR best visit.

I want her to know that and I want her to know that during our visit I saw exactly what I've been looking for and hoping for ALL this time. Where we are ALL happy, haivng fun and enjoying our time together.

I mean can I really ask for anything more than that, and what if I'm wrong. What if she had just been outside crying or maybe she was just getting tired. How would she feel if I came across as judging her or accusing her of something that she may not have even done.

I'm not sure why I'm second guessing myself. Maybe because I don't want to face confrontation or hurting her. Or maybe because I am finally just accepting her for who she is and what she does (as long as it doesn't hurt my daughter).

I am always with my dd at all of our visits. They may have private times from a far, but I never leave her in her care and if she ever did act inappropriately I would certinaly step in and address the situation and terminate the visit if it ever came down to that.

So I'm not sure that there really is a problem at this point.

Yes, I'd like her to come and be completely clean and sober at our visits. But it's not like I have her do a drug/alchohol test at our visits. So how will I ever really know. I wouldn't trust her word even if I came out and asked her.

So maybe this is just what I have to expect given the situation and relationship. As long as it's not negatively affecting my dd, maybe there isn't a problem.

[feelingreyt]

Suzie,
You have to do what YOU feel comfortable doing. If you think that maybe now is not the time to bring up the drug use(If there was any drug use), then don't. Wait and see how she does next time, or the time after. Like you said, your dd wasn't harmed in any way. I just would want to resolve any issues BEFORE your dd is possibly harmed or notices drug use.
Good luck. I KNOW this isn't easy. My thoughts are with you.

[thanksgivingmom]

Feelingreyt - you have to do what is in your heart and what you are comfortable with. I hope very much that DS's bmom gets to use the money for those tiny comforts

Suzie - I'm glad to hear that the visit went so well, but of course I wish it wasn't tainted with doubt about drug use....I agree with Belle in that if/when you talk to her, I'd make it about your shared daughter. Phrases like, "I really hope that we can continue to be positive role models for our daughter" - I think it will be more effective if you emphasize their connection as opposed to saying, "Don't do x,y,z around my child" kwim? (Not that you would say it like that, just how it can come off to someone already sensitive and feeling defensive).

[feelingreyt]

Not that this really matters in the big scheme of things, but I wanted to share an update with you all regarding putting money on J's friends account.....

I had decided that, yes, I was going to do it. I was still having 2nd thoughts, but I just felt I needed to. Right before I went to get the money order, S calls me. She said she had talked to the jailor and found out that if I indeed put the money on J's account only half of it would go to whatever she owed for past medical attention and she would get the other half to spend on whatever she wanted. S also said that she took J panties, t-shirts, socks, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrush and deodorant. After talking about what she gave her and what I was going to put on the account we came to the conclusion that I needed to just put the money in J's account to teach her that we don't try to beat the system by not paying what one owes. And also that it's just the right thing to do.
So that is what I did. I wrote her a letter and told her why I put the money in her account instead of her friends. I told her that I realized she would only get half and the other half would pay for unpaid medical bills. I told her that I really wanted to help her, but I was NOT going to cheat the system. She needs to pay what she owes and have the rest to do as she pleased.
I hope by doing it this way she will learn some responsibility. I hope she realizes that in life, things aren't free and we have to be accountable for what we do. I love her, I want her to be comfortable as possible, but I also want this to be a lesson for her. I want her to change her life for the better.
I am 100% at peace with this decision. I may even put $20 more on there in a month or so.
Anyway, just wanted to share....

[Suziebearhugs]

Good idea, plus it will help her in the long run, having less money she owes back to them.

[quantum]

And it sounds like a solution you can feel good about!

[JustCourtney]

I think you made a great call! No regrets by playing by the rules!

[Suziebearhugs]

What a pleasant suprise.

We accidentely ran into dd's birthmom today at the store.

We had a nice, friendly, upbeat conversation. A little about her, a little about me. I told her that we had a wonderful time visiting with them at her daughter's party and told her that I just e-mailed the pictures and video to her mom and sisters e-mail (since she no longer has one) and told her that they turned out great.

We didn't stand around and chat to long but it was wonderful.

I walked away with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

I've decided not to mention anything about the possible drug use at this time. Not until or unless it becomes overly noticable or interfers with our visit in some way.

Why ruin such a good thing. We are in such a good place right now it's not worth destroying it over something that wasn't certian and wasn't disruptive or harmful to my child in any way.

Praying more good days are ahead of us .