[thanksgivingmom]

Happy belated leigh!!!! (I HATE not having the internet consistently on the weekends btw!!!!)

So wonderful that you got some pictures too!

KLL - looks like you're keeping the good news train moving too! Keep on sending it around!!

[feelingreyt]

Seriously, how is it the 4th of July weekend ALREADY?!?
Wow, that one really snuck up on me. I just can't believe how fast time is flying by.

Is it just me???

[quantum]

Nope, it's not just you! it came out of NOWHERE!

[feelingreyt]

I need advice, again.

My son's bmom was sentenced to a little over 6 months in jail last week. I thought she was looking at 9 months, but apparently she will spend the rest of the time on probabtion. ANYWAY, her family has cut her off. Her mom issued a no contact.
I know she brought this all upon herself, but I can't help feeling sorry for her. She is young(22) and foolish, but I love her and I just feel torn up.
So, even though I said I was DONE helping her out financially, should I put her some money in the commonsary so she can get snacks, soda or whatever else they sell that she might need?
I know the lady that has her girls is furnishing shampoo, toothpaste, that sort of thing, but I just feel like she may need a few extras.
Remember, this girl is my husbands cousin. Even if she wasn't ds's bmom I would feel compelled to help in some way. BUT when is enough ENOUGH? I put money in the commonsary the last time she was in jail, I gave her money when she went to rehab to help with the "extra's". I just don't know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.

[thanksgivingmom]

That's tough....ordinarily I'm pretty standard in my "Don't feel bad, don't give money, etc." talk, but I understand that your situation is a little different.

Of course, I still don't think you should feel bad!!! Don't take that the wrong way

How much money are you talking about providing? (I suppose I don't know how much sodas or snacks or anything cost in jail.....)

I know if my cousin were in jail, I would likely want to provide that sort of support if I could as well.....this is so tough.

I'm afraid I haven't given you any productive sort of advice.....but I'm here for you if you need to talk it out.

[feelingreyt]

Thanks, TG, for always being a great sounding board!

I don't know how much stuff cost in jail either, but I imagine it's expensive.

I was thinking maybe $20.00 every couple of months while she is there. So about $60 total.

The thing is, she can see a nurse while she is in jail and I dont' want any money I give to be for that. NO MEDS! But when you give, you give, you can't dictate how one spends the money you give them because it's a gift, ya know. I do wonder if I could call the jail and ask them if the money only go toward food, toiletries, ect. Then again, I really don't want to call the jail, LOL!

My dh was like, "I dunno, how much are you talking?" when I asked him about it. He is starting to get somewhat hardened by her self destruction, but I keep telling him that she is young and needs some positive people in her life. Her mom is one of the main reasons she who she is today. It's just a sad situation all around.

OK, off topic there! So anyway...

To give or not to give?

I really think I should, but at the same time, I don't want her to misuse it. Oh mercy.....

[lovemy2boys]

If you do give, I agree with you that it should be a limited amount...

Be careful though because if S is giving her money for toiletries and you are giving her money for snacks...well...too much money may not be a good thing.

Tough situation for sure...

[feelingreyt]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

If you do give, I agree with you that it should be a limited amount...

Be careful though because if S is giving her money for toiletries and you are giving her money for snacks...well...too much money may not be a good thing.

Tough situation for sure...

Thanks for your wisdom, lovemy!

I do KNOW that in jail you can trade things and some things get in there illegally. SO I do have to be careful. I want to help her, but I want her to get clean while she is in there. THAT will give her a huge leg up when she does get out. RIGHT? Or am I being naive?

By the way,
How is C today? I know today was going to be a biggie and I've thought of her and your family often.

[kakuehl]

That is a difficult decision to make. I think what would scare me the most is what she could trade for. It might be good if you had an idea of what is available through the commissary and what is costs; I don't know if you could find out from the jail. Will she be earning any money by working in the jail? You can certainly write to her and let you know you haven't forgotten her, You need to decide whether or not to accept calls. (I used to have people call so I'd accept the charges and then "conference" call someone else for them. The joys of being a pastor!)

[RavenSong]

Feelingreyt, I think it's sweet of you to think about placing money into her commissary account. Most jails only provide the very barest of necessities, like toilet paper, to their prisoners. Stuff like deoderant, toothpaste, feminine hygiene products must all be purchased by the inmate thru the commisary.

Normally I am a person who loudly protests at "enabling" behavior. However, when it comes to jail commisary funds, I'm a softie. My best friend from childhood ended up a heroin addict by the time she was 19. I'm the one who always, always instructed her parents and sister on not enabling. BUT, whenever Julie had to spend time in jail for her addiction-related crimes, I was the first one to put $20 into her commissary account each month. She was able to buy magazines, soda pops, and an occasional treat with the money.

I don't know if you're a praying woman or not, but I look at it in sort of a "New Testament" view. Somewhere in the Good Book, Jesus tells His followers that they are blessed when they visit the prisoners. He reminded them that when they visited the prisoners, the "least of His brethren", that they were actually visiting Him. (LOL, I'm sure I've messed up this reference, so Kathy, please feel free to correct me!)

[kakuehl]

You've haven't messed up the quote, Raven. It's from Matthew 25. Anything we do for the "least" -- the hungry, the thirsty, the sick, the naked, those in prison -- we do for Christ.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Feelingreyt,

Hey there!

I want to help her, but I want her to get clean while she is in there.

Wow! This is a toughie all right!!

I guess I would say this. If you are wanting to give her some money because it is something that lifts up your heart and brings you joy in helping...then that is a good thing.

But I would advise that if this young woman is an addict then money may be the last thing she needs in jail.

I say this with clenched teeth because I don't like to go against the word of cherished friends in here. Doing that upsets me because I worry they will think less of me. (Codependency - the drug that keeps on giving).

And also, please understand, I'm not judging this young woman as unworthy or criminal; not at all. IMO - no one asks to be an addict. No one starts out the morning saying, "Golly Gee! Today I think I'll become a junkie and ruin my life."

Everytime I hear of someone suffering from addiction in any form, my heart breaks for them and for their loved ones.

That said, if you give this girl the money you need to do so with no expectations from her. If she is an addict, there is no guarantee she'll use it for good ends.

I would think very carefully.

Sometimes compassion means understanding that we've done all we can and that it is time for God to step in.

It could be this young girl is exactly where she needs to be in order for God to finally have a chance to reach her.

I know that probably sounds odd.

Sigh...anyway...just saying that you're not wrong if you help just as long as you cover yourself in case of disappointment.

That's all.


Much love and respect sent your way and hopes that my friends still are speaking to me!

[RavenSong]

Janey, I have to disagree with you on this one, buddy. An "old timer" in AA taught me a lesson on this very subject. Al was famous for giving small amounts of money to panhandlers back in the 1970s in the Albuquerque area, most of them skid-row alcoholics. I asked him why he just didn't do what I normally did, which was take the homeless person to the nearest coffee shop or fast-food joint and buy them a meal. I asked him if just giving them money wasn't a form of enabling them. He got this twinkle in his eye and told me that if they weren't ready for sobriety, then they probably needed that bottle of cheap wine more than they needed a hamburger. (BTW, my friend Al was one of the original members of AA -- he used to regale me with wonderful stories of Bill W. and Dr. Bob.)

The thing with the jail commisary fund is that $20 a month is NOT going to buy much in the way of illicit drugs on the inside. But it WILL buy a few magazines, a box of Kotex, and a few cans of soda pop. If she's really frugal, she might even be able to throw in a bag of Doritos. I know for a fact that Julie never abused my faith in her...she always used the money I deposited for extra treats like toothpaste and magazines.

[belleinblue1978]

I realize I work with juveniles, but we only allow them to carry seven dollars. Not much you can do with seven bucks besides visit the canteen.

I also know in alot of facilities that the money is never seen by the clients. It is kept in a fund and deducted as it is used.

[feelingreyt]

Thanks, everyone, for your comments, thoughts and advice.
I honestly don't know how the comminsary works exactly, but I do know that the inmates never see the money. They have to buy things and then trade them for other things.
I'm still thinking about what to do, how much, ect. Dh is no help, he will agree with whatever I decide. The truth of the matter is, HE would not put any money in, but he knows if my heart is telling ME to, I won't be able to rest until I do it, LOL! He's not cold hearted, total opposite of that actually, he's just so tired of it all. Family or not, there comes a time when you reach your stopping point. He's there, I thought I was, but this is different. It's not like she is out and able to get anything and everything she can get her hands on.

Janey, I SO get what you are saying. My mind has been telling me the same thing, otherwise I would have already been up there and put the money in her account. BUT my heart keeps thinking about her wanting a soda, or that bag of Doritos, a magazine, extra shampoo, a maxipad, the list goes on and on. I've never been in jail, but I can imagine that they only supply the bare essentials.

So yeah, this has me torn up. I am going to write her letter very soon, regardless of the money.