[lovemy2boys]

Court, it sounds perfect...

belle, ugh. I'm hoping for your sake that T and D mellow now that the new baby is here...

KLL - WELCOME!!! Although your friend may be right in that your little one's firstmom needs some space/time, I agree with TG and Leigh...keep sending the updates...I'm sure she looks forward to and appreciates them, even if she's keeping to herself for now.

As for me...well...no answers back to AJ's letters as of yet...But I'm still holding out hope!

[belleinblue1978]

KLL. I'm with the others, keep sending updates. She'll look at them when she wants to.

Courtney - Awesome news! I hope things work out for the better in this!

TG - You are completely right, if this wasn't an ongoing issue, I probably would feel crummy for not going to his birthday, instead I feel like they are probably making this up.

Love - I totally hope you are right. I am at such an impasse right now with this deal. My dad is refusing to go on anymore if D is there. Apparently he has never been comfortable around her and since the email she sent he feels he would ruin any visit he is present at because he would have to say something about her words and actions towards me.

I really hate being caught in the middle of this BS, BUT I am SO glad that my dad is seeing things from my POV and not just theirs like I thought he was for a bit.

[Suziebearhugs]

A 5 year old can definately have strong feelings and a mind of their own. Often times the opposite of what their parent might be feeling or thinking. They are gaining their own independance and friends and family become very important to them.

What would be the point in not going? Would you prefer your relationship be just through letters for now? If that's the case then maybe write him and his parents telling them that. Focusing and directing it towards him. To let him know you love him very much but can't come visit, but you'll always be there writing him and thinking abot him and loving him.

When your dealing with a little heart, I wouldn't let the parents and fear of them manipulating things get in the way. What your son will remember is that you showed up and that you loved him, hugged him and played with him. That could mean the world to him.

[Suziebearhugs]

Okay, here's an update and question for you.

Update: My son's (adoptive parents of his) half brother called me the other day and wants to schedule a time when we can get together and have the boys visit. We've attempted this several times and it's never worked out. But she seems very commited to making it work this time and getting together.

But here is the other update and question I was refering to. This is the same relative that keeps me informed on how his birthmom is doing, since she tries to have an OA with her.

Recently she told me that his birthmom was pregnant again and still using meth and other drugs heavily and living with her grandma in another city.

Now it sounds like she is back in the area. She just had a visit with her about a week or so ago and said she was clean and looking much better gaining weight and that she was due in September.

His birthmom told her the baby is a girl and that she is wanting to try and raise this one herself and to stay off drugs. (the relative offered to adopt the baby privately, knowing that the likelyhood of her staying clean is not good and that the baby will most likely be taken at birth again, testing positive for drugs and she was trying to avoid DHS being in the picture this time around). So the birthmom tells her...no, she doesn't want to place the baby for adoption, she wants to raise her herself, but that she can NAME the baby????? (sorry but that doesn't sound like a girl who is commited to staying off drugs and raising her baby).

But she knows that if she fails DHS will come in and take the baby and this relative will step foreward and adopt the baby anyways. So i'm sure that is her back-up plan, or probably what she is pretty sure will happen anyways.

So...that's the most recent background. Now onto my question. I've always wanted to have a relationship with our sons birthmom. Not a close one. Because I know she is a heavy drug addict and has been for years and years. But now hearing that she is temporarily clean, I'm wondering if we should schedule a visit with her, while we have the chance?

I have my concerns though.

Of course I'd love for her to stay clean and be apart of his life, but I know that just isn't reality. This will probably be a very short lived moment in time, if she isn't already on drugs again.

But my son is at the age where he's starting to ask a bunch of questions about her and about his story. I'm wondering if introducing her in his life now will be more helpful or hurtful? Knowing that she can't be a constant part of his life and there's no telling when she may be clean again (if she even is clean).

Plus there is the issue with the baby, I'll have to explain to him about his new sibling that's about to come, and will likely have to explain soon, that she lost that one as well and is back on drugs.

Not sure if I should just leave it alone until he's older and can understand all of this better. I definatley share all of this with him in a way he can understand now. But it's all just abstract concepts to him. She's not a real live person he can see and feel in his own world.

Would that make it harder for him if she all of a sudden was real. If now he saw her, and really knew she existed. Pretending to be this great mom, drug free, about to raise his half sibling.....for all that to crumble and disapear as soon as she gets back on drugs and looses this baby as well and can't see him anymore because she is back heavily into drugs?

Part of me wants to attempt it. Wants her to be a real life figure in his life, even for a moment. So he can understand. So he can see her and feel her and know that she is there and not just a story. But I don't want it to hurt him in the process. I don't want it to be harder on him. Especially if he wants to see her again and she is back on drugs (which is 99.9% probably what she is about to do) and I'll have to tell them BOTH no.

I don't want to open pandora's box, and yet it's calling to me. Can she really be clean? On her own, in the outside world? I doubt it.

The longest she had remained clean was for 90 days and that was in a drug rehab facility back when our son was a tiny baby. She was so proud of herself (as were we)and she said she hadn't been clean that long since she first started using drugs when she was 12. But that soon ended as well as the several other attempts at rehab since then.

So how can I possibly believe she is clean now, and if she is, how can I believe she will stay that way? I just can't.

But should I take advantage of this moment while it lasts, while it presents itself? I don't know.

[belleinblue1978]

With all due respect Suzie, I have thought about his feelings in this whole thing, but there comes a time when enough is enough. I refused to visit before his bday because two weeks before I got a rude email blaming me for all of the issues in the adoption and I was informed that I was no longer trusted because I went to the agency with my concerns.

I understand child development, and I'm pretty sure my mom does too, she did raise three of us to adulthood and is a teacher. They only say things like this when I'm not behaving as they feel I should. Otherwise there has never been a hint that the kid is interested in me. I have set up the last five or six visits. I request pictures. I write letters once a month and send pictures to him. I get zero in return. I do care that I'm being manipulated.

His parents know full well that I don't want face to face visits right now. They were told that by the agency after I got the email, which the agency disapproved of as well.

I've read post after post that you have written stating that you don't trust people, your childrens' birthfamilies lie to you, you don't know how you can be around them. Well, that can go both ways. I'm sorry, but I won't go to a visit and be so uncomfortable around my child's mom that I can't enjoy my child and not only that but risk an embarassing situation that would possibly lead to the closing of the adoption on their part.

This is not a new situation, it has been going on for five long years now. I won't be treated like dirt just because people think they can.

[Suziebearhugs]

I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you Belle.

Of course you know what is best for your situation and can see it more clearly than any of us.

I didn't mean my comment in a bad way.

Just that my dd's birthmother at one time didn't believe the things I said my dd was feeling or saying. She claimed there was no way a young child could come up with those questions and feelings on her own unless they were put in her head.

Fortunately now that her (parented) daughter is getting older and passed that stage she is finding out that even your 3-4 year olds do very much have a mind of their own and say all kinds of things and feel feelings that are their own.

Once she saw it for herself it made me feel better because I hoped she finally understood that I wasn't trying to manipulate the situation. I was trying to share my daughters feelings and questions with her and trying to get her to communicate with her and give her, her a chance to offer her own personal answers to those questions.

Unfortunately at the time she didn't see it that way though. She thought I was just trying to make her feel bad.

Which was the farthest thing from the truth I cared about her and didn't want her hurting.

[aclee]

Hi everyone...I've popped in and out, and now I need some input. The last contact we had with Ty's bfamily was in January. We were talking once a month or more by phone prior to that. It was about 50/50 as to who would call the other person. In January, we spoke on his birthday. Shortly before that we had finally gotten all the paperwork that bmom and bdad filled out during the adoption when Ty was born. On that paperwork, they noted that they wanted letters and pictures for the first "several" months. When we spoke in Jan I asked her about that, and asked if she wanted to continue contact. She said, "Sure." Pretty laid back, no real answer. Said she would be sending some things out for Ty, and I said he would be excited for them, he loves the stuff they sent for Christmas, and Mike and I enjoyed the card so much...etc etc. It was a nice call. Nothing since. Never got even a card for his birthday. I would have liked something...anything, to put in his box.

The only number we had for them has been disconnected. It is a prepaid cell phone. I've mailed my letters and pictures as usual. I just sent a huge package of pictures 2 weeks ago. I didn't hear anything. I know she has her own stuff and own family and all that, but I just don't know what to do. I want to keep sending all the letters and pictures, but at the same time, I don't know if that's what's right. I wanted an open adoption, and that means both ways...we have both said that before. In all my letters I've even said she could call collect if she needed to give us another way to call her, or write us a letter. I've e-mailed her a bunch of times, which I know she checks at her sisters house.

What do you all think? Just keep sending the letters and pictures and let the rest go? I hate to sound mean and petty, but if open adoption is for the kids, how do I explain to Ty the lack of contact that his bfamily sent when I mail things to them all so frequently? Theoretically is that her question to answer when he's older?

It's so hard.

[lovemy2boys]

Aclee, my boys are 5 1/2 and 7 1/2 and that is the HARDEST thing I deal with...the uneven communication with my oldest son's firstmom and his firstdad.

As for my youngest son's firstparents, it took about 4 years for us to get to the point where we are at...and our relationships with each parent is different, but each one is good in it's own way...One is minimal (but reliable) communication, one is an ongoing, wonderful relationship. Like I said, though, it took 4 years to find our footing.

It took a while to get there though - each one was shy, and not "sure" of the relationship. What worked for us was that when I'd send off a letter or email, I'd ask them specific questions as I thought of them, and ask that they respond with the answers. It seemed to help open lines of communication and allowed us to become comfortable with each other...Of course, we did this with all 4 firstparents, but it only worked with 2 of them.

With the other 2, I've switched tactics numerous times, trying to find one that works. What I've recently done and have decided to continue doing is to flat out TELL them what I now expect (of course, it's taken almost 8 years and a WHOLE LOT of frustration to get to this place). What I did was set the boys up with an email account, and I've decided that at least twice a year (or more depending on AJ), I'm going to email each of his firstparents and say "Look - AJ is asking about you (which he does) and wants to hear from you. Please send him an email." Nothing else has worked thus far, and aside from putting a pen in their hand or dialing the phone for them, this is what I've come up with.

I did this for the first tiime the other day and AJ received really nice emails from each of his firstparents. He wrote each of them back with specific questions that he was thinking of...we heard from one, but nothing from the other.

I know Ty is still too young for something like that, but as he gets older and starts asking questions, maybe you can do the same thing (of course, depending on if you still have a way to contact them).

I feel for you. I know what it's like firsthand to have a little guy ask why we never hear from his firstparents (and it's especially noticeable since we hear consistently from our other sons').

All I can do is tell him that even though we don't always hear from them, they still love him very much and think about him often.

One day, he'll ask them...and it will be up to them to explain.

Good luck. PM me if you need to talk.

[lahdh4]

Hey all just wanted to drop in and see what was going on.

I got a really nice birthday present yesterday when I went to my mailbox!! I received some preK graduation pictures of Supergirl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lovemy2boys]

Well, happy birthday, and YAY for pics!

[zxczxcasdasd]

That's awesome you got pics! Were they from L?

and Happy Birthday!!!

[feelingreyt]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

Hey all just wanted to drop in and see what was going on.

I got a really nice birthday present yesterday when I went to my mailbox!! I received some preK graduation pictures of Supergirl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday!

So glad you got pics of Supergirl!!

[JustCourtney]

Happy Birthday and hurray for pictures!

[belleinblue1978]

Happy Birthday! And I'm THRILLED that you got pics!

[KLL08]

Yeah for pictures!!

I just heard from S's firstmom last night! I was so glad to get the text. I hadn't heard from her since Mother's Day. She asked for some new pictures and I was working on the update letter when I got her message. So I snapped a quick picture on my cell phone and sent it and told her the update with pics from our vacation and her 6m professional pics would go out in todays mail!

I've been gone for a week on vacation, I hope everyone has had a good week and has a great 4th of July this weekend!