[aclee]

That's it? Is the kids life THAT boring? I doubt it, kids are always up to something...I don't think any letter I've written to M has been less than 3 pages typed. Maybe it's not that "personal" that I type it and not write it out by hand, but I hate my handwriting, and I always worry if one gets lost in the mail, I'll have to remember what I said...plus this way, I keep a copy for Ty and send her a copy too. Usually I just sit and babble a while at the key board, and then I'll go back and make it more cohesive and list all his accomplishments together, medical stuff etc. She's never said that she likes the letters though, so maybe she hates them !

[lahdh4]

That is all they have ever been. If I didn't talk to her on the phone I wouldn't know anything. Some of the things I found out I found out from my therapist who had talked to them.

[thanksgivingmom]

My updates are usually about two paragraph emails. It usually consists of an update on a couple faves, what she's eating, what books she likes to have read to her, and one little story. I like them, but three pages!!! I'm getting jealous again

[Stormster]

Hi, I'm sorry to veer a bit OT but E's birth mother still hasn't taken our family photos off her Myspace page. I have taken everything off of ours and decided ONLY pics of him alone from now on. The weird thing is we communicate in some way almost every day. Even since I asked her to take it down but I feel like she's avoiding dealing with it.

Her phone is off and really don't want to pay three months in a row (well it would be the third). She's back with that guy (I think) and is acting totally normally towards me.

But every time I look the entire album is up there and the main pic is E with my Dad's girlfriend! It's just too weird that she took those and posted them. I don't really see how anyone could think that's ok? I didn't email them to her individually. I posted them on MY myspace page!

Am I crazy? I feel really confused! PS I know she saw the email. I don't want to make her angry by asking again. I'm such a wimp! OH yeah and I also told her she can leave as many pics of E up as she wants!

[thanksgivingmom]

I don't know stormster....I mean, I don't think you're crazy I do know that part. How long ago did you request for her to remove them? I'm not sure it would really be cool for her to get mad at you...you've said she could post pics of E, just not of his family, correct?

Other questions, just because I'm curious. I don't think Cupcake's Mom HAS an active myspace, but if she were to have one would it be okay for me to save those pics? (Assuming she knew I was looking at her myspace). Is posting pics with Cupcake's Mom in them okay on my super duper private myspace? (I literally have like 8 friends - I'd have more of my adoption peeps on there, but my myspace is near impossible to find!) We've talked about pics of Cupcake, and she's okay with me sharing those wherever I like (said I could post them here too) but we've never talked about pics of HER I guess...

I swear, sometimes I think I am so paranoid and overthinking what's "okay" for me to do.

[Stormster]

Hi, I wouldn't mind if she didn't have literally the scariest looking guys in the world as her friends writing lurid things on her message boards and wasn't on the run from an abusive boyfriend.

Most of what bothered me is the KIDS. My nephew who is 15, three different toddlers who are not ours...and also just that she did it with pics I posted, didn't SEND to her. There's a difference.

It's hard for me to say because I know not only would I give my eye teeth (what does that mean????) to be in an OA with you, I would let you post pics of my bare naked tush. I wouldn't care.

I'm in a very different situation. People tag photos and send them all over myspace and facebook. But kids are different. You might just want to mention it, tell her it's password protected. She knows how private you are and how responsible you are so I wouldn't worry.

[aclee]

I just have to say that MY myspace is private and I only allow pictures of Tyler on other peoples pages that are also private, who don't invite 40 million people as "friends". My DH myspace is NOT private and he has ZERO pictures of Tyler on there...It's a constant policing for my sister in laws though, cause they have public profiles and a LOT of friends that they don't actually know. They think if they TAKE the pic, they can put it up, but...NO.

[thanksgivingmom]

Stormster, I know what you mean about the different situations - I TOTALLY get that I think that you have every right to be concerned and request that they be down - AND have that requested followed through on!!

From another perspective I have a couple pics of my nephews - I guess I didn't check with their parents either but it's again on my super secret page where I have 8 non-scary friends (all of them I think you'd know from these very boards!) My friends on that page are ONLY people I know through adoption.

And a picture of a bare tush!! haha!!! (Although I DO have a pic of DD's bare tush on there!!!)

[Suziebearhugs]

lahdh4-

In the past when I've had to slow down direct contact I would usually speed up e-mails/pictures. It wasn't out of guilt. It was more to re-assure her that I was still there and that she was an important part of our life and I still wanted her to see and feel a part of it. It was a way of staying connected in a time we couldn't actually be connected.

Hopefully this is a good sign for you. I think it shows that she does care about you and thinks of you often and she's not trying to just erase you from their lives.

I know it's hard right now, but try and respond to her and thank her for all the extra pictures. I think that might go along way in your relationship.

[mommamarci]

Well, I guess I was wrong again...

I reall thought E meant it this time. I really thought she was going to follow through. I have said this so many times. When will I stop getting my hopes up? She told me a week ago that she mailed pics that day. Not got them ready, but actually mailed them that day. Even on slow mail days, it should not take a week for pics to get from OH to IN. I know I should give her the benefit of the doubt and assume they got lost in the mail. How many times can pics get lost in the mail? She has told me at leats half a dozen times that she mailed me pics and I have never received them. And when I mention that I did not get them, she never seems surprised or upset. If I mail something and it gets lost, I get PO'ED and react to it! She hasn't ever had a reaction. Makes me think she knew we would never receive them.

I am going to try and get a hold of her this weekend to see if she wanst to come to the hospital next week for the cath. Even if she says she is coming, I won't believe it. It sucks that I feel this way.

I really believed her this time. She had asked if Cameron recognized them from pics and I told her they are all at least 2 years old. (We got some at placement.) I thought she meant it when she said she mailed them so he could know them. If she does choose to come next week, I don't know that I will allow her to see Cameron. (At least not while he is conscious.) He will have enough strangers around him scaring him. I cannot allow another, who will probably be super emotional, to upset him. I was going to work with him non-stop with the pics so he would recognize her.

This is why dh and I have decided that E will have no contact with Cameron. She has to follow through with what she tells us before she is allowed any contact with him. I know how upset I get when she does not follow through. I can't let her crush Cameron over and over.

Sorry for the vent. I am just overwhelmed with all of Cameron's medical stuff right now so this is hitting me harder this time.

[Stormster]

Marci, I totally understand, sympathize, empathize. And the thing is we take it because what choice to we have? If we believe as strongly in OA, as you and I do we will just keep at it.

I'm sorry you are particularly vulnerable right now and that's why you got your hopes up. When E was in the hospital on IV and undiagnosed and I was alone in Michigan (DH flew back and forth but mostly back I called her with the naive expectation that she would offer some support.

A stranger (another birth mother) from this site came to bring me home made food but she didn't call me back At the time I totally cut her all the slack in the world because it was so soon after the birth. But now I really don't think it had much to do with that. It's just how she is.

Jillian once said "You parent the kid you've got" and in some ways you and I have to "be in an OA with the partner we've got" and protect ourselves from repeated disappointment while somehow keeping our hearts open.

I know I'm going to get PMs but you know what please don't. With all due respect to those in reunion I never would have adopted under any circumstances that would have required it. It's just not what I want for him. Or the alternative of not ever getting to know her, uh uh. Never.

Edited to add: Just checked. She took the pics down but left ones with DH and I which DH doesn't want. Ugh I'm going to leave it for now. Just relieved the kids are off!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

No, I just get about 2 sentences.
this one said "I can't believe August is almost over. Here are some pictures. Hope you enjoy."

Unbelievable. I am so sorry Leigh. I honestly cannot imagine having so little to say about someone so important to both of you. It just DOES NOT make sense to me at all. I labor over each communication hoping I'm saying all I need to say. I'm sorry.

[taramayrn]

Leigh, I'm sorry you get some crappy "updates" with your pics. I don't know if you are like me but if you are, you certainly don't expect a long schpeal but give me a break, I think they could have found a few more sentences to write.

[JustCourtney]

Okay, so I am hoping that those of you with more experience will offer some advice concerning how I can establish communication and boundaries in our OA. I am going to apologize in advance because I am sure this is going to be long and rambling.

First, let me say that I really love my son's first mom R. I also like her and enjoy our conversations and the time we spend together. Better then I ever expected or hoped for - really. That being said, I am struggling a bit trying to find a balance and rhythm for our relationship.I do not consider our relationship to be bad right now, I am more concerned about keeping it from getting bad. KWIM?

Let me give you some background. When R was pregnant and we were getting to know each other, I left it to her to initiate all communication so that she didn't feel like I was hounding her or something. I figured that she needed her space to think. By the end we were talking several times a day and had visited a handful of times.

From the first conversation we discussed that we all wanted a fairly open relationship - but exactly how open never really got cemented. I asked her on several occasions to please think about what she really wanted and expected from us, so that no one would get their feelings hurt unintentionally. Every time I brought it up she got really quiet and would end the conversation.

Well, the agency was no help. When I asked when we would all get together to nail down specifics, they told me they don't get involved. Thanks. Their only advice was that we not have a face to face meeting for 6 months so that she could have time to separate, and we could have time to get used to our role as parents.

By the time that R left the hospital she had told me that email was good for pics, and that she would call. She also asked that we get together sooner then later. I agreed. She was going to be leaving town after a week or so and didn't know when she might be able to make the 150 mile trip back. I also told her that I would leave it to her to call us - and that she was welcome to anytime just as before. She ended up calling everyday after we came home until she TPR'd 5 days later, and I took him to see her when he was 10 days old, and then out to lunch.

Since then she has called a few times to check in and when she decided to move back to the town next to ours (it was always in her plans). I took Nate to see her again and out to lunch. I have sent her pics 3 different times - with a very brief note (I admit it!), and she has told me in our calls that she has received them, but she never responses to the emails themselves.

Let me be clear - I have no complaints. But, I would like to have a better understanding of what she wants/needs/expects. I want to give her space if she needs it, but don't want her to think I don't care by not calling/emailing. I also admit that I do not want to once again be the person she calls with every crisis looking for guidance (she did in the past - sometimes 3-4 times a day and at 3am). this is hard for me, because I care and the urge to try and help or fix things is very strong for me! She is also very sensitive in general, and I feel like I am always walking on eggshells, trying not to upset her. How do I walk the line and establish our roles? Do I try to bring it up again, or do I just let it play out and deal with upsets if they happen? I am not a person who is comfortable working without a plan, so maybe I am over thinking this all.

Thoughts? Advice?

[Leigh131313]

Hi Courtney!!

I think if I were in your shoes, I would sit down with DH and discuss what YOU would be comfortable doing. After you have figured out what you would like (ie an update schedule and a general visit schedule - how many times per year or whatever you are comfy with - if at all). THen I would email it to her and ask if that schedule would work for her.

and go from there!!

Good Luck!!