[thanksgivingmom]

Oh and Belle, you gotta email me a pic of the front of that album when you're done with it! I need some inspiration! (And Cupcake's name is real short so I can tackle projects like that pretty easy! haha)

[aclee]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

For instance, sometimes Cupcake's Mom asks questions that I'm just not comfortable answering at the time and I feel a little put on the spot. I know that she has nothing but good intentions when she asks them and that she just wants to know where I am in all of this. I try to keep it together at visits so when she asks me something like, "What's this like for you? To see Cupcake coming to me when she wants something? Does that feel weird? Is it hard?" it throws me off a little bit!

I have to tell you that reading this, I'm upset. I'm sure her intentions are good, but to me if Ty's bmom was with us, and holding it together and seemed good, I wouldn't ask her these probing questions to try and she if she was hurting or weak or a sensing her loss at that moment. Maybe it is the knowledge I've learned here though that has taught me that I know those are there without "poking" at them. I ask how M and R are "doing". They can take it to mean adoption wise and she can talk about how they are coping, and sometimes she does...sometimes she takes it more general and answers that they are all healthy and R is still not doing the laundry (a running joke). These are questions you talk about with your counselor, not the amom of your daughter. I can totally see how this kind of question would make you really uncomfortable!

I like Vogi's answer. Tell her you wait and process all that in private after the meeting and while you are with Cupcake you just enjoy the time.

[lahdh4]

There is one story that really bothered me about Supergirl's Mom. At our second visit, which was at the agency pcinic, she said "I had a funny dream last night. I dreamt that you (meaning me) got pregnant again and placed with them again." Yeah, funny for her but not all for me. I was in tears, luckily my therapist came over and starting talking to me.
TGM: I know of a place where we can get something for cupcake!! part of your surprise.

I would send a picture to Supergirl's Mom everytime we had visits since I was the one to take pictures. If there was a photo of me and Supergirl I would send one to them. The agreement is that I send one updated photo of me a year. I haven't sent one of just me. It always has Supergirl in it. I do need to send another one since I haven't in awhile since we haven't had a picture together in awhile.

[SchmennaLeigh]

It's obvious on a visit when someone is affecting me. I'm normally talkative and what not and so when something is hitting me, I'll get quiet. During those times, D has asked questions. For those I have been grateful because sometimes it's hard to verbalize without someone breaking the ice.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

There is one story that really bothered me about Supergirl's Mom. At our second visit, which was at the agency pcinic, she said "I had a funny dream last night. I dreamt that you (meaning me) got pregnant again and placed with them again." Yeah, funny for her but not all for me. I was in tears, luckily my therapist came over and starting talking to me.

OK I'm trying to be cool here because I don't want to make you feel bad but I think that is one of the most obnoxious things I've ever heard.

And yeah....REAL funny!

L said to me just about a week ago "what would you do if I got pregnant again?" I don't think she meant it but why say it? She had been looking at pics of herself pregnant and thought she looked so beautiful. She does feel good about herself when she's pregnant and is able to take good care of herself so she kind of has nice memories of it. I couldn't hear it. I am not even sure why but it bothered me a lot. I felt she wasn't holding herself in high enough esteem or something.....

[blessedbybug]

Quiet house for a few minutes...thought I'd pop in. Without re-writing it all here, I did write an blog post about our visit with DS's Other Mom last week. It was the first since DS was born and a long time coming. It are these kind of moments that make the hard work of keeping the door open with my kids' families worth it. They are often shorter than I would like, and hard emotionally on all of us, but worth it.

And Leigh... yes, we live in the same city as M's birth family. And I believe you live in the same city as DS's birth family. Crazy huh? We WILL have to get together one of these days, now that we're feeling more settled around here (I think!). AND ... I keep waiting for an update on your second wait... it's been awhile now...I hope you're doing okay.

And I'm also pretty excited that we've decided to at least see what we would have to do to be licensed again as foster parents. We were right before DS was born, but never had the chance for a placement since he came through our private agency shortly thereafter. The agency worker said they are desperate for families to care for newborn who are prenatally exposed. This makes me incredibly sad that there is such a need but I'm wondering more and more if this is my role for awhile, not in an attempt to add more kids to our family, except for the times they are here. And the SW was very interested in how we've worked to keep our adoptions open even in less that ideal situations. That experience might be helpful in relationships with the families of the kids we foster. So anyway... time will tell on that. We are both excited at the possibility but still not making a commitment until we are more settled in life here. So that is our news! If we do move forward, I hope that our experience of working through some tough OA situations will be an asset in being a part of hopefully keeping these struggling families intact. That would be our goal as foster parents.

TGM... it is so hard to know what to say about when Cupcake's Mom asks the harder questions. I can relate to what she is doing as I don't want the other Moms of my kids to think I don't care how they are doing with it all. And it happened last week with DS's Mom... she kept her distance from him and I asked about that. She was emotional when she talked about how she just didn't know how she fit into his life (which is her struggle with the openness, wondering about her place and whether or not she should even be there...). I encouraged her to get close and let him get to know her and she did and we talked about that I hoped she would always be a part of his life... and even though the convo was hard for her and me, it opened up a whole other level of interaction. We were able to talk about some other stuff that needed said in order to move forward. I don't know...it's a 'rock and hard place' thing I think. I don't want to cause her pain by talking about things that she doesn't want to but I also want her to know I care enough to ask. And to offer some perspective at least from this amom, I'm just as nervous asking the questions. Does any of this make sense?

[thanksgivingmom]

It absolutely makes sense.

While I know it's nearly impossible, it would be easier for me to have a discussion like that not in front of Cupcake. In our situation that would be especially hard since D is a single Mom, but it becomes really hard for me to hold it together so that I'm not putting my emotions on D. I know that she wants to know, but I also hear of amoms not wanting to feel guilty about our emotions or that we put emotions on them. It's such a fine line to walk - there's no rule book! For either of us

I get pretty quiet on visits too, which is VERY unlike me, so I do appreciate her starting convos - she's great with that Sometimes I just worry that she doesn't really want to know the answer to the question she asks, you know? And I find it hard to phrase my answer diplomatically. I'm trying not to worry about it too much on our upcoming visit though - I'll have lots to talk about and we're developing more of our relationship so we'll see




*Oh, and Leigh! Can't wait!!!!

[Vogi2002]

I read about your visit blessed. It sounded beautiful, so emotional, and like it was a long time coming! I bet you are still processing emotions.

Was there another visit planned? I didn't think I read about that...


I have a tendency to be too mushy on the phone or in visits. I talk about how gorgeous it is to see them together, or we'll get deep in a convo about open adoption & I assure her or something that makes her (little c's bmom) start to get emotional. I try so hard not to, though sometimes I think she is looking for reassurance, and sometimes not, so I try to read her emotions (sometimes probably too much). The thing that hit her as the best during our last visit? Big C was on a ride @ this playhouse thing, little C needed changed, so I left Big C with her while I changed little C (after telling her / asking of course). She said that she was so touched that I trusted her with him. She has a daughter around his age, and she is a GREAT mommy, so I said OF COURSE I trust you, you are family!!! She started to tear up....

Jenna - I notice that too with more of Big C's bmom...but she is very private & strong so I don't think she likes to talk about her feelings, but then again I have learned so much since our last visit...I think I would know what to say now vs a year ago even. KWIM? Our last visit was actually the same weekend of the anniversary of her gma (who raised her) death. I had NO idea...found out then. My goodness i would have never came THAT weekend, her death was SO hard on her! SOOO it was VERY obviously hard on her that whole weekend. I wonder if that is why we haven't had a visit since...she thinks it will always be that hard, which maybe it will...but I think it was a combo of everything just piling up.

[thanksgivingmom]

One of the most awesome moments I had at a visit was when D had to use the bathroom (just follow me on this one! haha) and she left Cupcake with me while she went into the stall!!

She wasn't concerned I would run off with her or something crazy (and yes, I know it's crazy, but it's a crzy concern that SOME people have) and she trusted me with her. Plus it's the only time we've been alone (sort of) together since she was born.

It was heavenly. Even if it only lasted a minute or two and took place in a bathroom at the beach

[belleinblue1978]

TGM,

I got to have Kiddo by myself for an hour or so while his parents went to supper and shopping in the town I was living in at the time. Other than about two hours at the NICU, that is the only time I have had alone with him. I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from on that one.

As for the tough questions, you know what? I'd just say, I'd like to enjoy my visit with Cupcake and I try not to think about that hard stuff right now. Maybe at a more appropriate time we can discuss it when I can gather my thoughts and Cupcake isn't here.

I don't talk about that stuff with Kiddo's mom. I talk about it with my mom and my friends and my J and of course you guys, but with her? No way in H*** would I discuss it with her. She tells me too much about how she feels about the adoption and I won't do that to her.

[finallyamom0310]

I am not sure why I haven't seen this thread sooner. I love to talk OA without being ridiculed or put down.

I have just finished reading all the posts and I have to say that all your stories are great. This is a great thread to see all sides of the stories and hear what it is like for the otherside.

For those who don't know me or my story, DH and I were matched hours before DD was born. We packed up and headed south to meet the Emom and DD. We got there right as DD was born and had no agency mediary with us. We took it slow as we weren't ready to agree to anything more than what was in the match papers of letters and pics till 18. As I waited for ICPC DH went back home for work and came back on the weekends. He spoke to a lot of co-workers that were foster parents and adoptive parents and we were told of the benefits of their children of being in an OA. The day we left with DD in hand, we told BMom that we wanted the first year to bond with DD but would plan a visit after her first bday.

We also set up an email account as did she and we emailed about once a month. I sent packets through the agency like agreed and we have now had one visit that went without a hitch.

We now talk on the phone about once every 3 or 4 months and have started texting about once a week. I created a blog for her to hear how DD is doing on a daily basis so I don't miss out on anything and I post a few pics each week. I know she visits the site almost every day.

I will say in general our OA is good now. We have had some ups and downs but are calm for now. My only regret is the more I try to find out about her and how she is doing (not just with handling the adoption but in general) I get short answers like "no time to talk now, will email later with more". The emails never expand on what I have asked. Recently I even asked that although I will send a CD with all pics taken to date on them like usual, are there any pics in particular that she wants printed as I will do that for my next care package. She knows I have to send the packet no later than monday but no response. I am so frustrated..

I know that she is busy and I should hang tight but I really feel right now that she insisted on an OA with visits, we agreed and now it seems very one sided.

[billysmommy]

TGM,
I have seen you talk about that before and I always chuckle a little. I can remember saying right before our first visit that I was not letting my son out of my sight. And I went on and on.....And I remember that while we were visiting the first day and making plans for later that evening, I asked if they wanted to take him back to their hotel and we would meet them there to go for dinner. DH's mouth hit the floor! I realized how ridiculous I was. LAter, she thanked us for allowing her some "alone time" with our son and I played it off as if I had never thought any other way. Now we actually joke about all the silly (and sometimes irrational) thoughts we had in the beginning.

Now, on the flip side of that is that alone time also could mean having to discipline the child if necessary. And I don't think I have ever felt as horrible in my life as when my son told his first mom (at 2 1/2 years old) that he didn't have to listen to her because she wasn't his mom. It hit her hard and hurt her bad and broke my heart. Once the initial hurt of the reality passed, she did realize that it was not a jab at HER, but rather an overtired and overstimulated toddler lashing out. Still, it hurt her terribly and she did not handle it well.

[aclee]

I feel your fustration. I feel like our OA with Ty's bmom is going pretty well also, but there IS some fustration. In her recent e-mail and when we talk on the phone, she makes a lot of comments about how recently I have or haven't sent pictures. I've asked her flat out how often she wants them, and never gotten a straight answer, so I send them when I get to it. Now that she has e-mail she can see them as often as she wants but prior to that, there was a lot of guilt on my part about how often I wrote, called or sent her pictures. At the same time, she has never written Ty a letter for him to have (that is IMPORTANT for him to have later I think, not just the ones I wrote her!) even though she says everytime she will, and I have gently reminded her several times. Since he was born I've asked her for pictures of her and R and the kids for Tyler to have in his room so he can see them, and everytime she says she will get that right out to me...I still haven't gotten it. I feel like it's very one sided sometimes! She wants me to keep up my side and send her lots of updates and letters and pictures, but hasn't kept up her side and the things she has said she would do!

Any suggestions on how I can continue to encourage her to follow through on the things that will mean a lot to Tyler later? Am I expectign too much from her while she is still processing it all?

[finallyamom0310]

I too am curious if there are suggestions on how to get a BMom to communicate more or hold up their promises. DD's BMom said she would add her side of the adoption story to the blog for DD and I haven't seen anything yet. She said she would write DD a letter about the adoption decision to be read in the future, nothing. I just want to be prepared if the questions come at a time when I can't reach BMom and need to be honest with DD. I want her to feel she can ask questions, see pictures, know more when she asks instead of my not knowing and feeling like I am hiding something.

[Vogi2002]

My little C's bmom said that she would, but she warned me that it might not be for a while...I think it's VERY hard to put on paper, very hard to know what to say to your child, and even harder if they know that other people might be reading it.

I told her she could put it in a sealed envelope if she wanted but the fact is we could STILL read it KWIM? I don't think that is as much of her problem as knowing what to say to him, she is so afraid of him being mad at her or hurting, she wants it to be perfect.

I keep asking for updates or pictures from big C;s family, especially of his sister, but nothing...THAT is so frustrating.