[lahdh4]

Nothing big on my end. I went to the mailbox the other day and there was a note from L. I was actually afraid to open it up. this is what I have been reduced to. Afraid to open a thin note from L because it isn't thick so it cannot contain pictures can it? Well, come to find out there were a few pictures in it.
But I am now afraid to open mail from her.
Cannot wait to go in and see E.

[lovemy2boys]

Aww...leigh.

I hope she at least had some sort of explanation for her nonsense in that note...

[lahdh4]

Hate to say it but
NOPE
just that Supergirl got her ears pierced and that it happened about 3 weeks ago.
Nothing else.

[lovemy2boys]

Disgusting.

[lovemy2boys]

Sorry Leigh. I shouldn't have written that - but when I came back to change it, my "edit" time expired.

Sometimes my mouth (or typing) moves faster than my brain.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

See belle, I don't think they have to "learn to trust you". That on some level lays the responsibility on you...And from what I've seen, you "give" yourself to the relationship.

Instead, I think they need to let go of their OWN insecurities/fears that are PROHIBITING them from trusting you.

May not seem like it, but there's a big difference.

Awww thanks lovemy. You have NO IDEA how down I've been feeling about that, but you're right. I do what I need to do and I can't live my life proving myself.

Leigh.... I'm so sorry... There aren't words.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

See belle, I don't think they have to "learn to trust you". That on some level lays the responsibility on you...And from what I've seen, you "give" yourself to the relationship.

Instead, I think they need to let go of their OWN insecurities/fears that are PROHIBITING them from trusting you.

May not seem like it, but there's a big difference.

YES!!! While I'm only two years into our OA, I feel like this all the time. At some point what am I supposed to do??? I've been told that Dee feels threatened by me, and that I need to alleaviate her fears and make sure she DOESN'T feel threatened by me.

But isn't that NOT my job? I've TRIED to do this, and honestly, the only thing it does is set me back in MY progress. It's terribly painful to have to reassure Dee of her role as THE Mother. Yet, I've been told over and over and over again that that's what I need to do.

To gain her trust.

[thanksgivingmom]

Leigh, I'm so sorry. There's nothing else to even say.

[lovemy2boys]

TG, your job is NOT to reassure Dee of her role as Cupcake's mother.

If Dee needs reassurance, she will only be able to find that from within.

It took me a long time to really feel secure in my role as a mom, as a "dual" mom in an OA, etc. And I can guarantee you that NOTHING my kids' firstparents ever did or said helped me get to the place where I'm at.

Working on MYSELF got me here.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

TG, your job is NOT to reassure Dee that she's a good mom or is doing a good job or what have you.

If Dee needs reassurance, she will only be able to find that from within.

I wish agencies would say that instead of blathering on about how it is our job to reassure. To me a deadly pattern forms then. Now my D expects me to reassure her all the time. And it isn't my job.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I wish agencies would say that instead of blathering on about how it is our job to reassure. To me a deadly pattern forms then. Now my D expects me to reassure her all the time. And it isn't my job.

EXACTLY! The SW was forever telling me that Dee just needed time and reassurance, and if I could do that I might get a visit sooner (this was before our first visit).

Logically, I'm finally understanding and accepting that it's NOT my job - but it was what I was told over and over again in the beginning. And OF COURSE I went along with the party line.....seeing Cupcake again seemed so worth it (and of course it was) that it never occurred to me to question that the method didn't quite make sense.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

EXACTLY! The SW was forever telling me that Dee just needed time and reassurance, and if I could do that I might get a visit sooner (this was before our first visit).

HA! This obviously wasn't our agencies policy...lol...

Our agency told us "You need to send pics out within the first week...And you NEED to have a visit within the first month..."

The aparents had to prove themselves - not the other way around...It was our job to show that we were willing to Honor the OA. It wasn't til I came 'here' that I realized how different agencies/attornies/etc. were...

It's funny - AJ's firstmom has mentioned several times that she's thankful that AJ had a stable home and family because for years her life wasn't...And I think it was more her relief that AJ was taken care of - not as a reassurance to us, KWIM?

As for JD's firstmom, about a month ago, she told us for hte first time that we were "great" - Haha. That's her way of saying she loves us

It's actually kinda sad, ya know? That oftentimes our first instinct is that of mistrust and fear...It took me a very long time to really understand the whole process...To know that it's OK that our family was different...and that different is NOT bad!

[Leigh131313]

Tgmom - Do you still feel that D feels threatened? I wouldn't assume it. Have you felt a tug of war at your visits or anything uncomfy like that? I think alot of the issues you have with D stem from scatteredness on her part.

I don't want to excuse her behavior or make you feel responsible - but (always a but, right?) - I do think you need to own some of this as well. You really need to discuss the issues you are having - or else she may never realize what she is doing to you. You are allowing her to treat you this way out of fear, buthonestly, it doesn't seem to ME like there is that much to fear... especially because I know how tactful you can be when discussing it.

I think alot of the fear in your situation was more of an issue in the beginning....she was concerned with finalization. You may not agree with how she handled it, but I do think at some point it needs to be left in the past.

Have this discussion so you can move forward. I really hope you can find the strength to do this.

[thanksgivingmom]

Leigh, this was all stuff that was a problem in like the first year, not so much now. I was just referring to the ways that my social worker did condition me in the beginning to take responsibility for Dee's feelings, etc.

CURRENTLY, I don't FEEL like it's my job, that's just something I hear from others mostly (not even saying I hear it from Dee!) More like if I blog about it I'll get comments or emails from readers saying, "Have you reassured her of her role as Mom?" or "She probably feels threatened, maybe you need to do x, y, and z."

It just frustrates me that there seems to be a general perception (on some level) that there's something I can do at this point if she is feeling threatened, needs reassurance, etc.

I absolutely think that talking to her will clear some things up for me on my end, but if she does have insecurities, etc. I don't think the conversation that I want to have will fix that. KWIM?

[Leigh131313]

Oh no - I completely agree it's not your job to fix insecurities. Personally, I think the only thing that truly fixes them is time. Nothing anyone can say or do would probably do any good.

For ME, the first couple visits were nerve wracking - I can't really say WHY, I always enjoyed our visits, but they were very exhausting for me and I always felt on edge before them. That doesn't happen now... I think in the beginning I just didn't ever know what to expect so I worried about me, about them, about ds - now I don't just because I know them better.

It's always hard for me to understand when I hear some of the stories on here - and then I worry if T and her family ever have concerns but are too afraid to mention them (ahem!! who does this remind you of? lol). But I think we have a pretty comfortable relationship over all, so I try not to worry about things that may not even exist.