[thanksgivingmom]

I knit, I don't crochet...I'm a leftie though and the only people that ever tried to teach me how to crochet (my Nana mostly) were right handed. Neither one of us could switch it up, so knitting it was!

With two BASIC moves (the knit and the purl) you can make a nice little scarf. There are a bunch of websites that will walk you through the process too (of course I don't know what any of those sites are! haha)

[lahdh4]

I go back and forth with the knit and purl across the row to get different designs on it.
Just doing a check in and see how everyone is doing?

[lovemy2boys]

I just got back from the bookstore with a book on how to crochet (it's for ages 10 and up so I should be ok )...I am going on amazon right now to get a knitting book...

I actually was coming on this thread to ask you all a question...

I don't really want to get into the "whole" thing because I don't want it to seem like I'm complaining about AJ's mom D...

Ok...so today, we met D and her son at the bookstore - we just got together a couple of weeks ago, but wanted to get together again because she'll be leaving in a few weeks for several years, and she won't be coming home very often in that time because she's expecting and it will be super hard for her to fly overseas by herself with a toddler and an infant...

Anyway, whenever we get together, D completely ignores AJ...I mean, we were together for 2 hours today, and she literally didn't say 1 word to him...Not hi, not bye, nothing. This has happened the last 3 times we've gotten together. The only time she even comes near him is when I ask them to get near each other and take pictures...

Is this weird? I mean, she spends her time talking to me about her life, her friends, the things she's bought, etc...NEVER asks about him when she calls, never TALKS to him when she calls, and if I put him on the phone, he basically says "hi...good...good...yeah - here she is" because she rushes him off the phone...or when we're together, she barely even acknowledges him...I have to encourage interaction between them - he used to try so desperately to get her to notice him, but pretty much has given up...and my efforts seem to not even be working, ya know?

It just seems more like she views all of this as hanging out with a girlfriend as opposed to spending time with AJ...

Usually I'll say something - you know, like "D, AJ is talking to you" or "D, AJ is to get your attention"...but this time I couldn't even try...Her son was hitting and pushing my kids, my kids were acting like MAJOR brats because they didn't want her son bothering them...I left there sick to my stomach...

So what the heck would YOU do? Not that there will be many (if any) opportunities left before she leaves...

[lovemy2boys]

Sigh...I'm a failure right out of the gate!

I'm trying to turn my skein of thread into a ball , right? Well, the skein falls off of the back of the chair onto the floor...I pick it up and it unravels and knots up....I have a quarter inch "completed" ball, and a 2 foot knot...

My kid comes out and says "Wow. You really got yourself into quite a mess, didn't you? If you need help, call Batman."

[lahdh4]

See, I don't roll it into a ball. I just work from the skein and go from there.

I really don't know what to say about D. I would LOVE to have all of this time to talk to Supergirl and ask her questions. Maybe because she is moving soon it may just be alittle tougher to deal with? IDK what to say.

[JustCourtney]

Love....I don't know what I can say in regards to advice - My OA is nonexistent at the moment! I just wanted to give you {{{hugs}}}

However, I can relate, as we have talked before, and do understand your frustration with the situation. I think that what makes it especially hard for us to wrap our heads around is that we honestly feel a kinship to our children's first moms, and expect them to react they we would/do in certain respects. We love our kids so completely and totally, and think that everything they say and do is sooo amazing, that we can't understand when their other mother does not seem to be as interested as we are in them. I think that it may be a coping mechanism for her right now considering all that is going on, because if she just didn't care - she didn't have to show up at all. I guess that all you can do is to keep doing what you have been, and maybe the time she is overseas will take the pressure off of you to try and make them interact. You are an eloquent writer, and perhaps having a primarily email driven relationship for awhile will allow you both to communicate more openly.

Hang in there!

[lovemy2boys]

Thanks guys...

Court - you are right...how I would react in a certain situation is not indicative of how someone else would react - and I have to keep telling myself that.

I KNOW she loves AJ. And for her, I think it's enough to "be" with him, ya know? And we're all like a big package...us, the kids, her, her hubby and son...so when we get together, it kinda has a "feel" of getting together for a family reunion - where the adults talk and the kids run around...

But I know AJ would at least like a "hello" from her...and she didn't acknowledge his birthday or Christmas or anything this year...She called the day AFTER his birthday but didn't even talk to him because he was at school - just called to talk to me about somthing; and when I suggested she call back, well she never did. And I KNOW she's excited for her move, and about her new home and stuff, but YEESH!

But I dont' want to be putting "rules" and "expectations" on THEIR relationship...because it's THEIRS. But it hurts me when AJ asks "why" she does what she does or doesn't do, you know?

I don't know - it's also hard with her little one - his behavior really puts a strain on the whole visit. I tried to talk to my boys (who TOTALLY make things worse) and tell them that by the time we see him again, he will be older and probably will outgrow the behavior...but in the meantime, it's so high stress for so many reasons.

And I really don't want to be complaining about it - or seem like I'm being petty or anything because I am so thankful that we've made it through all our past issues.

She's got alot of new things going on - BIG things. Can you imagine? Moving over seas AND having a baby! But on the same hand, I just want to make sure my little one is ok too.

Oh well, it is what it is I guess.

[belleinblue1978]

Ok, yarn question first.... I work right off the skein and don't turn anything into a ball until the very end when the skein is too messy. Just make sure you pull your yarn from the core and you should be good.

D... well.... I ignore kiddo's mom and don't talk to her because I am so busy talking to kiddo and playing with him and not much about her interests me. I can't imagine not talking to Kiddo.

Maybe you need to have a mom to mom talk with her? Maybe that is how her family is and she doesn't realize what she is doing.

OA is so tough b/c there are no manuals for anyone and I think sometimes we forget that when we are on the other side and NEED someone to act a way that they can't.

[lovemy2boys]

Ok - the yarn thing...Took me 7 hours to make 3 tiny little balls. And that has been the EASY part. And I can't keep yarn untangled, so the ball is the way to go for me - haha.

I swear - I am so uncoordinated - I can't get a grip on the yarn, I keep putting the hook right THROUGH the thread, until it is all freyed and unraveled...

I KNOW this is going to take tons of time and practice so it's not like I tried it a few times and expect perfection (right? It's not just me...is it?)

What makes matters worse is that my kids are on top of me thinking I can make sweaters for all their animals when I can't even make a row of 5 stitches yet...UGH!

As for the D thing...She just emailed me and said that she had a great time yesterday...And honestly, it was a disaster. It really was...but based on the rest of her email, I know she truly felt it was fun, so it makes me think that just "being" with him makes her happy. (and that's not a judgement - that's just an observation, and a little bit of peace of mind knowing that it's working on one level, ya know?

This probably sounds so bad. Seriously...it's GOT to sound like I'm just b****ing about her. But that's truly not my intention. I've come a long way from being the control freak I was in the past...and I want to make sure I work out my "kinks" here and see if there are things I'm over (or under) analyzing before working on it with her...

I won't spill her personal stuff, so I can't go into detail...but I think this is pretty much the way the relationship will be...We've done alot of talking about alot of things, and I have a feeling that this is it.

And I just don't know what to do...because there are certain things that Adam "needs" right now, but I can't "force" it, even though I do talk to D about it...

So what do I do? At some point in the not too distant future, he's going to take the drivers' seat in the relationship, and I will take a back seat...but what do I do NOW for him?

I know this probably makes no sense - but there are so many different facets to this...UGH!

I think I need to just let it be right now...She said she wants to try to get together as much as we can over the next couple of weeks before she leaves (visa troubles - her leave date keeps being pushed back)...So maybe it will be enough for AJ to just see her right now, and then when she leaves, every so often I'll just "tell" her that AJ would like a phone call or an email.

Thanks guys...it's always nice to have someone else who is "there" that I can bounce things off of. I don't DARE to go to anyone IRL, because the don't understand, and can't really comprehend that this is a real relationship, and one that we value. Plus, I won't get into D's personal things with others...SO not their business.

[belleinblue1978]

You make complete sense.

I look at people sometimes and think "Why don't you get that you need to put some effort forth too?" I'd probably look at D like that.

I think I would go with your plan. Make it clear that he needs to know her and that it is important that she not become mythical KWIM? And ask for pictures. She should have plenty of picture taking ops.

I'd kill to think that Kiddo's mom and dad care that I stay in touch with him.

[thanksgivingmom]

I know it's COMPLETELY different - but sometimes at our visits Dee will flat out ask me stuff like, "Why aren't you saying how beautiful she is?" or "Why aren't you hugging her?" or "Don't you want to scoop her up and play with her?"

Well of course I do! But I'm TERRIFIED to do that stuff without an invitation!!! I don't want to cross a boundary, I feel weird saying she's beautiful because SHE IS but I feel like that's saying something about ME since D and people say she looks like me - so that feels awkward, and I don't want to freak HER out by scooping her up!

Now....years down the road I hope we build our relationship to where those things DON'T scare the pants off me. BUT - I can ALMOST see how if I didn't do the work, and figure out my issues, and see that I AM important and Cupcake's life....I don't know....just thoughts.

Also, I see Dee as the gate keeper to my relationship with Cupcake. So on visits, I try really hard to connect with her on stuff....and sometimes it does feel like two girlfriends hanging out while our kid runs around. I guess because I'm scared that if Cupcake and I get along great, but Dee doesn't get a chance to know who I am, or doesn't like what she DOES know, that I won't be able to further that relationship with Cupcake.

(Does ANY of this rambling make sense??)

I think what (your) D is doing is on a different level, and is not the same....I just thought that maybe there is something in the initial feelings and she's just responded/reacted/processed differently than I have which lead her to where she is on visits today.

I don't know.....just random thoughts.....

[Suziebearhugs]

Our daughters bmom used to scoop her up and interact with her a lot in the past. But our relationship these days is much different. I think it's much like Thanksgiving said. She's afraid to overstep boundaries, afraid to be rejected by either me or dd so when we do have visits she is more likely to watch then be involved and only responds to questions and conversations when they are specifically directed at her.

It took a while for me to understand that she wasn't coming from a place of "not being interested" but rather a place of fear.

Unfortunatly we haven't found a way to work past that. I tried just having private visits with her, tried to get her to interact with dd and tried to engage her in conversation but it's awkward. So I'm sorry I don't know that answer or remedy. Sometimes it just "is what it is". But I keep hoping that someday she will come out of her shell.

It's hard to not feel frustrated that your offering them this great opportunity to know and interact with their birthchild and build that relationship and then not see them take advantage of it, because of fear. Especially when their distance is seen and felt by your child and you wish it didn't have to be that way.

We did end up getting the letter in the mail from dd's grandma. It was so special. She put a copy of their family tree info and then wrote out 3 pages on this pretty stationary sharing her memories of some of those relatives. Just simple things that dd would understand like "I used to love my grandma's home made cookies" and stuff like that. It was so special it made me almost cry. I can't wait to share it with dd later tonight.

[lovemy2boys]

Aww Susie, that's really great that your daughter got that letter...What an awesome thing for her to have...

And you and TG are right about the sharing of feelings things...

I remember a few years ago when we were at D's apt. We were about to leave, and AJ ran up and gave her a hug...She said "Bye buddy - I love you" and when I got home, I got an email from her saying that she was sorry if that was inappropriate, and she hoped she didn't cross the line (we had gone through some things in the past, and she wasn't sure if this would be viewed as wrong in my eyes). I called her and we talked a long time...Among other things, I told her that I would always hope she felt comfortable enough sharing her feelings and affection with AJ...and that I would never, ever want her to think that I didn't approve of interaction between them.

Our relationship is kind of a two steps forward, two steps back type of thing...but we've always worked through the hard stuff and managed to get it back on track...But now that AJ is getting older, his needs and understanding are changing, so it adds an extra layer to things...

And belle - I think pictures will be really important to AJ while D is gone - and thanks to the miracle of Facebook and Myspace, we can easily see them and print them off as myspace now lets us do...

I have to thank everyone here, though - you all give such good advice and the support is wonderful...I don't know what I'd do without you guys...

[lahdh4]

I am petrified at visits!!! I can barely get any time alone with Supergirl so she is talkative so that is not a problem.


OK----
Need to vent! I apologize now for this

I called E today because I haven't heard from her and sure enough: she has called L 3 times and left a message and 2 phone numbers to call back and


NOTHING!!!!!
L has not returned a single phone call!!! I am livid!!!!! she said she was open to discussing this.
E asked if I wanted her to call back today and I told E to enjoy her day and not waste her time. She did say she would call this week though and let me know one way or another.
I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!
Now more snow coming my way so I will not be on a computer until Thursday. Love it when they say 5-12 inches and then change to 5-8, like it makes a big difference.
And no knitting or crochet at the moment. I think the way that I hold my needles knitting has kicked the carpal tunnel up so I will rest for a bit.

[lovemy2boys]

Leigh,

There is so much I want to say but everything sounds so hollow...the words are so empty.

I'm so sorry she is putting you though this. She should be ashamed of herself.

(((Hugs))) to you.