[Vogi2002]

Honestly Tara it almost made me want to throw up because of how badly I know it is going to hurt for her. I think you are right...it's still early. I don't want her to think I wouldn't WANT her baby, but I would never want that on her (or anybody). Adoption is a last resort for bparents KWIM?

I know...my heart was breaking too. I think it's a lot due to the "honeymoon" period. I do think if she said it again though, I will talk further with her on it. Honestly it was so awkward...I didn't know WHAT to say!

Of course I love her & it was a second of awkwardness then back to laughing and giggling. I swear, this is a girl I could be good friends with even if we just met. Of course, it's still early, but she is big on communication, which I love.

It's so odd to have two OA on such different sides of the spectrum.

[taramayrn]

I am so happy for you that you get along great with bmom. I think that can make an open adoption relationship easier so to speak, on some level.

I can't imagine though trying to navigate two very different relationships. Very hard to switch gears and I bet it's also hard sometimes to not judge one birthfamily based on what the other one does or doesn't do.

[billysmommy]

Vogi - I lived what you talked about. My kids first mom also joked about having another baby for us. For some reason, she felt very strongly against us adopting a second child from a different first mom, and it was just "talk" because we had no intentions (at that time) of adopting again. When she did become pregnant again and asked to place the baby with us, I tried desperately to talk her out of it, to no avail. It was tough because I was desperately afraid that she might place with another family if I backed her into a corner. And quite frankly, if the baby was going to be placed somewhere, it was going to be with me (and the sibling that I had already adopted 3 years prior).
Long story short, we did adopt the child - our 4 year old daughter. And though I have never said it out loud, I have wondered if it was intentional.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Interesting. I send pictures of the boys once a month with the letter I send the Munchkin but have never had enough "nerve" to send a picture of myself.

[Leigh131313]

Ok - I finally have some time to type!! Dh and his dad were working on rebuilding our deck so I had to keep MIL and M entertained.....then today M had skating lessons, then a park date, then a quick shopping trip at walmart, a happy meal at mc d's ...and then a HUGE freakin temper tantrum when we got home......anyhoo - he fell asleep on his floor (big shock there, that kids was so stinkin tired)


and now I have some piece and quiet!!! lol



So, I have a 4 year old monsterman/child who joined our family through open adoption. It was a newborn domestic adoption - we live in Canada and as mentioned we used the same agency as Tara and Blessed.

We have ongoing contact with his entire maternal family. Birthmom - birthgrandma - birthaunt/uncle and 2 birthcousins (6 and 8 years old) and not as frequently the birth-great-grandma. They live about 2 hours away from us (maybe in the same city as blessed lives in?? not sure but I think maybe!!) and we have visits ...well....whenever!! We dont have a schedule or anything - we've always just let each other know when either one of us feels like making the trip.

Our visits have changed alot now that M is older.....they don't see much more of him than the back of his head. He's too busy playing with the girls - and they are just fine with that. They understand kids!! lol. They are an awesome family and have been nothing but considerate and kind towards us.

Another thing that has changed is the consistancy of our relationship....birthmom (T) was 15 when she placed M, so we had alot of periods where we wouldn't hear from her. She was just young and had different priorities. Now that she's older - we hear from her more regularly. Even at that it's not that often - she's a busy girl....but we are friends on facebook and that makes it much easier to just drop a line or whatever (and it doesn't matter what time of day when it's online!!) We don't "send" alot of pictures - I just give them to her when we see each other and she takes a ton at visits (as do I). Also we check out each other's pics on facebook so that's fun.

She is parenting a new babygirl now. She lives with her boyfriend at her mom's house - which is a duplex with her sister's family on the other side. So when we go there we get to see EVERYONE. When they come here it depends...sometimes it's just T and sometimes more of them come (depending on schedules)

Someone was talking about gifts.....well...between my mom and M's birthfamily I do not have to buy clothing for the monsterman. They keep him well clothed!! lol. We exchange presents at christmas (we buy for T, birthgrandma and his birthcousins) and they always give him birthday presents (never on time, LOL that's one thing we have in common!!). We will also now buy birthday presents for T's new baby.


I don't know what else is important at the moment.....We are waiting to adopt another but we haven't heard anything yet. Hopefully it will be as smooth as our first!!

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

Sometimes it does take time for people to come around. I know in DD's family her bgparents (esp Gma) were very much opposed to us maintaining contact at is was hard because most of the time, they've been the only stable contact we've had. Well... with time, they've come to enjoy it and now that DD's older sister is in an adoptive home too (long story, won't share here) they are asking for open contact with her new family. And I am glad to know that our persistence in keeping our relationship open has prompted this. They are starting to see it as a good thing, at least a little. But they became parents through closed adoptions as well, so that's their primary view of adoption and In their opinion, "the right way for everyone". Time will tell...



You really do have an awesome Mom!!! I'm so glad she's so supportive!

It is hard, especially for the older generation. My dad has just really struggled with this and doesn't understand why it is so important to me that Kiddo knows me. I don't talk much about my feelings about my firstmom and dad because most of them are angry. That goes for my siblings too. I don't want Kiddo to be angry at me forever, although I am sure he will be at points, and that is fine. My dad just really has the whole "it was good enough for you, it should be good enough for him."

My mom ROCKS! We're planning a visit for next month, I don't know what I would do without her!

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

Someone was talking about gifts.....well...between my mom and M's birthfamily I do not have to buy clothing for the monsterman. They keep him well clothed!! lol. We exchange presents at christmas (we buy for T, birthgrandma and his birthcousins) and they always give him birthday presents (never on time, LOL that's one thing we have in common!!). We will also now buy birthday presents for T's new baby.

We do Savings Bonds for EVERYTHING. Kiddo's grandparents buy him so much stuff there is no point in buying yet another toy for him, he won't remember anyway. I want him to have a good education, so mom and dad and I are going to help with that.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

Belle - I'm glad your mom is able to be there for you without "taking over" it's such a fine line & it sounds like she does it beautifully & ONLY has your needs in mind! That is just amazing that you can lean on someone for support like that.

She does, and she has said that when Kiddo's mom has made comments about how my parents should do this or that and be there more for Kiddo and worry more about his feelings. Mom flat out said to her "Belle is my daughter, I worry about her first, Kiddo has you to worry about him."

When I'm ready she'll step back and I'll handle stuff again and it will be good.

Got an album today. I'm going to tat his name and glue it on the front with some tatted animals. How cool will that be?

[Vogi2002]

Great idea belle!!! I love that!

Welcome Leigh!! Your realtionship is what I see with little C's bmom. It's just easy...not much pressure...etc.

Are you worried you won't get the same with the next one? How is that going btw?

[Vogi2002]

bumping for Aclee...

[aclee]

I'm here! (that was all I wanted to say, but it wasn't long enough!)

[Vogi2002]

YAY! See? I told you this was awesome by an awesome person. LOL!!!

Introduce yourself!! Do you have a fully open adoption?

Oh yeah and WELCOME!

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

Ahhh tmom. I swear you amaze me! I am the exact same way...I pick apart mostly everything, especially the next day.


Oh i have to share something...little c's bmom said something. She knows we are contemplating another adoption (eventually) a little girl. She said (half joking) "I should just have her for you!!" I said "Oh no, I could absolutely never do that to you!" because I think a part of her was serious...and I didn't want her to think we didn't want her baby either.

But...I can't explain it...I am so worried she will actually do it. That would be terrible For HER! I'm worried that the love we all have will get too deep & she'll think he is helping us.

I'm afraid to even write this in case she stumbles on this thread. I don't EVER want her to think we don't love her tremendously, but it worries me for her.

Thoughts? I can't seem to get this out of my mind...it's sticking out like a sore thumb...i'm terrified for her (and believe me there is NO PLACE in me that is excited at the thought of it...as much as I may want a little girl in the future, I woul never want that for her). I hope I'm making sense...

Believe it or not, this sort of thing is a COMMON thought. I've had several perfect strangers tell me I should "hope" (one said ASK...ASK!!) M to get pregnant again, so I could have another "beautiful" sibling for Ty. It's happened more than once, but I'm always dumb found. One time (the ASK time) I said, "Um that's illegal, and unethical, and so many other things." To which they replied (of course) "I was just joking..."

They weren't.

Okay a little about me (like you all don't know, with my big mouth, but anyway)...DH and I adopted Ty in Jan. He was a baby born situation in St. Louis. We are in an Open Adoption with his bfamily. His bmother and bfather have 3 parented children. They have all our info, address, phone numbers, and apparently e-mail (which I didn't know she had, but don't care that she does). We were only asked for letters and pictures, but we do frequent phone calls and hope to make it back to visit this fall. I don't know yet how often the visits will be or anything like that. We don't have an agreement, we just sort of contact each other whenever we want to talk. I like that right now, I call her as much as she calls me.

Anyway, she e-mailed me 3 days ago, and I'm waiting for a reply. I got her all caught up on our very busy summer and gave her links to all our family pictures and videos.

[Vogi2002]

Yeah people say it like it would be SO awesome. My goodness sometimes the audacity of people are astounding. Bmoms aren't freaking breeders without hearts. GEES, why would anyone wish that on a person? I think they just DON'T think.

[thanksgivingmom]

That was one of the best things about Cupcake's Mom - when she asked if I was planning on having more kids because she would likely not be able to adopt again and wanted Cupcake to have sibs It was so great that she was supportive of that relationship. We also spoke about placing and I said it wasn't an option for me again. Even at ten months in I said that I wouldn't (couldn't?) do it again. She was, of course, wonderfully supportive of that.

I can see how though if I did get pregnant and felt there was NO WAY I could parent - I mean every single last avenue explored - why I would place with her again because I know her and hopefully would have that trust relationship built. If nothing else, I don't know that I'd have the emotional energy to start that process over again!!!

Having said all that, I'm not placing again

And yes, when people *wish* for their kids firstmoms to get pregnant again I get all kinds of crazy mad....