[Vogi2002]

Oh yeah belle - especially an album. My opinion...leave a place to write (or write on the back of each photo) what is going on and who is who. That way they can look at it for year's to come....oh and i would handwrite letters (or at least one or two a year) so they can see your handwriting.

I'm so jealous! I set up a box for big C to put all the stuff from his bfamily. It only has the outfit he came home in. That makes me sad. BUT we have plenty of years to fill that bad boy up.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

Oh yeah belle - especially an album. My opinion...leave a place to write (or write on the back of each photo) what is going on and who is who. That way they can look at it for year's to come....oh and i would handwrite letters (or at least one or two a year) so they can see your handwriting.

I'm so jealous! I set up a box for big C to put all the stuff from his bfamily. It only has the outfit he came home in. That makes me sad. BUT we have plenty of years to fill that bad boy up.

Oh I handwrite my letter every month. I believe in writing real letters, so I do. Kiddo isn't the only person I write to. Even though I talk to my mom on the phone almost every day I still write her a letter every couple of months, I write my dad and my aunt too. Definitely dates and names and stuff on the backs of pictures. Maybe if I can find one of those albums with the paper slip thing under the pictures, I'll get one of those. I only put one picture in each letter as he is only four years old and I don't want to overwhelm him.

Cute story.... Last month I sent him a pic with me and my first fish. He is always asking his mom how Belle is. Well there is a Belle that works at his daycare and she thinks he is asking about her and he gets mad and says NO Belle with the fish. That makes my heart smile.

[Vogi2002]

Awwwwwwwwww

That just made me giggle too!!!!! I love that! It's cool you sent a picture with a fish too, it's so important to also send age appropriate things every once in a while that might catch thier eye (you on a swing in the park, you with an animal or favorite stuffed animal).

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

Awwwwwwwwww

That just made me giggle too!!!!! I love that! It's cool you sent a picture with a fish too, it's so important to also send age appropriate things every once in a while that might catch thier eye (you on a swing in the park, you with an animal or favorite stuffed animal).

Oh definitely, what kid wants to look at pictures of old people being boring? Of course I don't think a single one of us in my family is capable of being undorky during a picture.

[thanksgivingmom]

Well I'll have LOTS of pictures just taken at my next visit since I'll have gotten home from vacation only three days before so I'll make sure to bring a few

I handwrote letters for about the first year (didn't have an email addy anyway) and now we mostly email updates, just to set up visits and send a couple pics my way. At the last visit I brought an "A" that I cross-stitched and framed for Cupcake - it's really cute and I thought it was nice and personal.

This time I may bring her something from my trip with a note just for her

I don't know how to navigate the whole present thing sometimes. Like I've never gotten her a birthday or a Christmas present because I don't have an address to send it to and I've been too chicken to ask! Hopefully I'll get a little bit more brave and bring that up next month....

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

Blessed - I too am guarded with everything. Sad but I have to be to keep from getting dissapointed. I find that at times I might even expect too much from them.

I've been thinking alot about this, these expectations of the other families of my kids, that they will be a part of things if I have anything to do with it. I have to admit that in both our situations, I've done a fair bit of persuading them to participate, of trying to help them see the positive of what could come of the work of the relationship, trying to help them understand that we feel it is good for all of us to be in their lives. Both the other moms of our kids struggle with input from people close to them advising them that nothing good can come of this. Is there a point where I could push too far and not respect a boundary they've made? Or that they feel they need and have a right to make? I don't know. Thoughts?

I have definitely lowered my expectations. I pretty much have decided we'll take what comes and be grateful for any contact we might have. And to be truthful, I'm pretty sad about that. But maybe I shouldn't expect as much from this relationship as I do from other important relationships in our lives.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

It can be so hard because, as you know, everyone thinks they know everything about adoption because their uncle's brother's nephew's friend's cousin adopted a baby in 1922.

Ain't that the truth? I am constantly amazed at how many people feel like they know, even though they have no experience in a situation like ours.

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

My dad doesn't deal with OA at all. Our adoptions are closed, he's my dad, I don't need anyone else by golly gosh. Well, I don't really feel that way, but what can I do? He is coming around though and is thinking about seeing Kiddo sometimes soon.

Sometimes it does take time for people to come around. I know in DD's family her bgparents (esp Gma) were very much opposed to us maintaining contact at is was hard because most of the time, they've been the only stable contact we've had. Well... with time, they've come to enjoy it and now that DD's older sister is in an adoptive home too (long story, won't share here) they are asking for open contact with her new family. And I am glad to know that our persistence in keeping our relationship open has prompted this. They are starting to see it as a good thing, at least a little. But they became parents through closed adoptions as well, so that's their primary view of adoption and In their opinion, "the right way for everyone". Time will tell...

Originally Posted by belleinblue

I told mom today that I hadn't gotten any pictures and mom said, hmmm, time to make another call then. So have I mentioned how much I LOVE my mom? She really understands the other stressors in my life and realizes I can't deal with this one too. So for my monthly pic that I send to Kiddo it is goint to be me and youngest brother, who is here at mom and dad's with me.

You really do have an awesome Mom!!! I'm so glad she's so supportive!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

Is there a point where I could push too far and not respect a boundary they've made? Or that they feel they need and have a right to make? I don't know. Thoughts?

This is an interesting question, because I firmly believe in the rights of both sides to set boundaries. Most people tend to immediately think of aparents setting boundaries, but I know there are situations where I would need to set up boundaries on my end as well.

It's not the same situation at all - but sometimes I don't know how to tell Cupcake's Mom that I'm uncomfortable with something.

For instance, sometimes Cupcake's Mom asks questions that I'm just not comfortable answering at the time and I feel a little put on the spot. I know that she has nothing but good intentions when she asks them and that she just wants to know where I am in all of this. I try to keep it together at visits so when she asks me something like, "What's this like for you? To see Cupcake coming to me when she wants something? Does that feel weird? Is it hard?" it throws me off a little bit!

Ugh! What do I do?? Be honest and risk making her feel bad and cut back visits because it's "too" hard on me? Or just smile weakly and say, "I can't explain it, it's surreal" which is my go to answer??

But I don't know how to tell her I'm uncomfortable. And I'm not sure I would know how to verbalize it if I felt she was crossing a boundary either.

However, I will say in the very beginning when she was the one suggesting an OA and was encouraging me to participate in it, that never seemed to be overstepping for me. I welcomed her encouragement and it alleviated my fears a little bit because she was SO sure of the decision for an OA.

[Vogi2002]

Belle - I'm glad your mom is able to be there for you without "taking over" it's such a fine line & it sounds like she does it beautifully & ONLY has your needs in mind! That is just amazing that you can lean on someone for support like that.

Tmom - I would simply say "I would love to send Cupcake a present for Christmas & Halloween Candy, etc, can you give me an address to send it to?" Instead of saying "your address" say "address". KWIM?

Blessed - I have also really had to walk the line of respect vs communication. I let them know how much it would mean, and try to di it the best I can to let them know that, but i never know if they just don't want to, or if (really this is what i think is going on) they just are stubborn for some reason. Also - I struggle with Big C's bfamily & the way some of them "expect" things from us...they think it is thier right (or at least the feeling i get from them) & thus this makes it hard to go above & beyond when I get NOTHING back, no thank you, not even a "got the pictures" "thanks for the update" etc.

[Vogi2002]

Tmom - I would say to come up with a good answer..like "I don't know, I want this to be positive for Cupcake so I try to set my feelings aside & then personally gather them after the visit, it's such a personal thing that it's hard to sort out without a quiet place & lots of time to meditate."

That IS tough though! I know I try not to ask things like the during a visit because it just seems like such a "downer" KWIM? Like what is the bmom supposed to say? "Yeah it hurts like heck and I am trying not to cry"? That seems like a question a good friend would ask you (not dogging on her for asking it, I am sure I have said PLENTY of odd and inappropriate things during visits! LOL)...

[taramayrn]

Hey everyone!!! Vogi - thanks so much for starting this thread. It's taken off and really I'm not suprised.

Anyways I haven't read all the posts yet, I will but of course I'm running late to meet my mom for lunch.

I think alot of you know my story but for those of you who don't I'll post it in brief here. Feel free to ask any questions - I'm an open book.

So our son T is 8 turning 9 Feb 13th. We have had a fully open adoption since birth. His bdad and I placed him (we're still together, married for 3 years, pregnant with our first parented baby) through the agency that both Leigh and Blessed used.

We have had our ups and downs in the relationship. The worst being when T's adoptive parents decided they would not allow the kids to be in our wedding, but would not attend our wedding. That hurt alot and I pulled back from the relationship for a while. While I still don't agree with their decision I respect it and have forgiven them.

This past year has brought some a calm and relaxed feeling to the relationship. This is what I envisioned our open adoption to be from the beginning. It just took some time, hard work and patience to get there.

Anyways, that's it in a nutshell...off to shower...be back later.

[Vogi2002]

Welcome Tara! We have a bmom on our agency forum who just recently talked about her girls' adoptive parents not letting her be in the wedding. It breaks my heart for her. I am glad your relationship is in a good place now! I love hearing stories about realatioinships who have overcome something...it gives me hope for the future!

Welcome!

[thanksgivingmom]

Vogi - I'll definitely have something a little more prepared to answer this time, just in case! I really think she just wanted to make sure I was "okay" you know? I think she wanted reassurance from me, which normally I give her in spades - but it's a LOT easier for me to do that in an email than when I'm composed than when I'm actually WATCHING Cupcake do those things, you know?

It's absolutely the type of question my roommate would ask me, and when she does I'm not worried about letting her see the real answer and my real response.

Like I said, I think it comes from a genuine place of caring so even though I understand her reasoning it's still hard. I probably have screwed up and said something I didn't realize could come off odd either! It just is one of those things where it helps ME to realize that I shouldn't pick apart every little individual word - something that I think is WAY to easy to do in OA! You know, "this whole email was GREAT but this one line is worded a little funny" or "the visit was so much fun and we really bonded but there were 45 seconds where it was weird when...."

I know I can totally do that myself, so I have to remind myself that someone can't be "perfect" all of the time. We're human and hopefully not so hypervigilant of the way we act that we're CONSTANTLY censoring...and when you're not that vigilant and the real you (or me!) comes out, it's probably going to have some bumps and flubs

[Vogi2002]

Ahhh tmom. I swear you amaze me! I am the exact same way...I pick apart mostly everything, especially the next day.


Oh i have to share something...little c's bmom said something. She knows we are contemplating another adoption (eventually) a little girl. She said (half joking) "I should just have her for you!!" I said "Oh no, I could absolutely never do that to you!" because I think a part of her was serious...and I didn't want her to think we didn't want her baby either.

But...I can't explain it...I am so worried she will actually do it. That would be terrible For HER! I'm worried that the love we all have will get too deep & she'll think he is helping us.

I'm afraid to even write this in case she stumbles on this thread. I don't EVER want her to think we don't love her tremendously, but it worries me for her.

Thoughts? I can't seem to get this out of my mind...it's sticking out like a sore thumb...i'm terrified for her (and believe me there is NO PLACE in me that is excited at the thought of it...as much as I may want a little girl in the future, I woul never want that for her). I hope I'm making sense...

[taramayrn]

Vogi - wow, that breaks my heart that little C's bmom jokingly offered to have a baby for you. I think she was partly joking and part not, otherwise she wouldn't have said anything. I know things are going great in your adoption now, but it's still early for her and I think if someone asked her again if she'd still offer in a few years I think the answer would change. But maybe it wouldn't - really depends.
Anyways, I know you and know that you would never wish for her to place another baby or feel obligated in some way to have another child for you, but like you said, she needs to know that if she did place again you'd be open to adopting the baby.