[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

Vogi, I think you are great to start this.
As many know my open went south when Supergirl, possibly said something after our last visit. I had to wait 3 months for word from them about this.
It has been almost a month and I have moved from depression into full blown anger.
It took me 2 1/2 weeks to open pictures that they sent and I still have not sent a Thank you, as I usually do.

Heart is breaking for you (((((((((((((((((((((((((Leigh))))))))))))))))))). .. it isn't right. Blast... it isn't right.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I have nothing to add at this time. I haven't seen my daughter in fourteen months as there are issues in their family that have needed tending to before anything of that nature can occur. I'm learning to be patient but my heart is simply broken. I'm finding my peace, daily, over and over again, but I find it hard to lend support when I'm getting none.

[blessedbybug]

Okay, if you haven't noticed, I decided to post a little on this thread! These conversations just draw me in. It's like I'm starved for input and to talk about our stories somewhere. And to support others and all sides in their own unique journeys of OA, all without feeling like I'm going to be taken to task for a choice we have made.

A little background on us...

where I'm from OA is a given. For the most part, it really isn't mediated by the agency or anything. When we decided on open adoption, we just assumed that the other families of our kiddos would want it as much as we did. We were quite naive that way I guess. And I guess I should restate that... they may want it, but at this point for their personal reasons haven't been able to mutually participate in growing the relationships as we would like.

I wish it was easy to define what "kind" of OA we have with our kids' families. One word for DD's would be... rollercoaster. And another... hard work. She has siblings and even though her other mom at times has been disinterested or just working to survive her own struggles, we have been determined to keep up contact for all the kids' sake. We feel like it's better that they know of each other, even know each other now and even though they aren't every day siblings, we're already seeing their importance in the life of DD. She's four. And she cares what happens to her sisters. So we work, mostly through Gma and Gpa as they are a consistent contact for us. I send regular updates of pics/letter every 3 months as well as for special occasions like bdays (theirs and DD's)

With DS's other family, it is more in flux. Up until last week, we were living with the possibility we would not get visits. Then she called to say once again, she didn't want f2f contact and through our convo, it became clear she really wanted to see him, just was fearful (and I was too!) So we decided to try it and we had a fantastic few hours together. DS has a brother so it was easy to start conversations and she and I esp had some much needed convos about DS's health both at birth and now, and her relnship with bdad (which is in flux and not healthy) and our desire for cont'd contact but with some concerns about his involvement at this point based on things she said. It was all really good. So I'm hopeful (like MARCI!!!) about the future.

But I also live guarded sadly, because working on these relationships have caused so much stress and grief at times. I hope but I sometimes just can't. I do the work of it all with love and hope sometime it will be returned. And mostly trust that whatever we do it will help our kids have all they need to fully understand who they are and why adoption was the choice made for them

Okay, I'll shut up now... I could go on and on... blessings to you all!

[mommamarci]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I have nothing to add at this time. I haven't seen my daughter in fourteen months as there are issues in their family that have needed tending to before anything of that nature can occur. I'm learning to be patient but my heart is simply broken. I'm finding my peace, daily, over and over again, but I find it hard to lend support when I'm getting none.

((((HUGS)))) to you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how painful it is. If you ever need a shoulder, we are here. I may not understand what you are going through, but I am a good listener and a great virtual Kleenex passer! I think of you often and pray for you and the Munchkin's family. (Hope that is okay...)

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I have nothing to add at this time. I haven't seen my daughter in fourteen months as there are issues in their family that have needed tending to before anything of that nature can occur. I'm learning to be patient but my heart is simply broken. I'm finding my peace, daily, over and over again, but I find it hard to lend support when I'm getting none.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jenna))))))))))))))))) I wish there was something I could do... all of you are in my thoughts lots. I can't and don't understand this but I am so sad for you and for your DD.

[mommamarci]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

is there potential in Spencer's family or has his birth mom insisted on closed?

Honestly, I am not sure. In the hospital (he was a baby born situation) she wanted everything: letters, pics, phone calls, visits, all of it. However, after getting discharged her mom told her it would be too hard to have that much contact, so when she signed TPR, she told the agency she had changed her mind and wanted no contact at all. The agency asked us to send letters and pics and leave it up to her whether or not she opened them. So, that is what we are doing. I am hoping, since she one time expressed a desire for openness, one day she will want more. I am not counting on it though.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by mommamarci

Honestly, I am not sure. In the hospital (he was a baby born situation) she wanted everything: letters, pics, phone calls, visits, all of it. However, after getting discharged her mom told her it would be too hard to have that much contact, so when she signed TPR, she told the agency she had changed her mind and wanted no contact at all. The agency asked us to send letters and pics and leave it up to her whether or not she opened them. So, that is what we are doing. I am hoping, since she one time expressed a desire for openness, one day she will want more. I am not counting on it though.

The opinions of other people has had alot to do with the other moms of my kids inconsistency in wanting contact. People of influence have told them it would be too hard, or wasn't good for kiddos and they listened. It's been a lot of work to let them know that we will do our best to keep it safe for all of us. I hope she's reading the letters!

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

Wow land. First off, how are you? I can understand your anger, no advice here as I would be the same way. A thank you card? That would be hard....how about...gee thanks for the pictures...jerks.

Just kidding! hehe! But really I would send pictures of YOU for her with each thank you card, and include a letter to HER. Make copies. That way if they don't give it to her you then you still have a way to show her that you wanted to keep in touch with her & let her know you love her. KWIM?

Seriously - i would LOVE a thank you card. I sent 150 pictures and got nothing (big C). I would cherish a letter from either of thier bmoms, and any pictures too!

Which brings my next question (sorry yall for stalking the thread...dh is watching the Cowboy's game & I am BORED!) how many pictures do you send of your kiddos or get normally? Do you usually send a card? I try to send a letter & thought about outlining thier hand & foot with each letter. Is that too...cheesy?

Vogi, I will send you a thank you card. I really don't wish to send one to them now. I mean what is the point. Thanks for stomping on my heart.

150 pictures!!! I think the most they have sent is 7 or was it 8? I can't remember right now. It used to be 3-4 every other month. I think now that she is more active it has increased. However, included with the pictures is NOTHING. I wouldn't know what is going on if I didn't have a phone call every 3rd blue moon.

[belleinblue1978]

TGM, I live two hours from kiddo, which out here, no big deal. Heck I drive an hour to go shopping, lol.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

The opinions of other people has had alot to do with the other moms of my kids inconsistency in wanting contact. People of influence have told them it would be too hard, or wasn't good for kiddos and they listened. It's been a lot of work to let them know that we will do our best to keep it safe for all of us. I hope she's reading the letters!

It can be so hard because, as you know, everyone thinks they know everything about adoption because their uncle's brother's nephew's friend's cousin adopted a baby in 1922.

My dad doesn't deal with OA at all. Our adoptions are closed, he's my dad, I don't need anyone else by golly gosh. Well, I don't really feel that way, but what can I do? He is coming around though and is thinking about seeing Kiddo sometimes soon.

I told mom today that I hadn't gotten any pictures and mom said, hmmm, time to make another call then. So have I mentioned how much I LOVE my mom? She really understands the other stressors in my life and realizes I can't deal with this one too. So for my monthly pic that I send to Kiddo it is goint to be me and youngest brother, who is here at mom and dad's with me.

[thanksgivingmom]

I have been meaning to start sending pics of me, what I'm doing, etc. to Cupcake and her Mom at least once in a while. Yes, Cupcake's real young, and no, I don't change that much but I just feel like I need to do SOMEthing you know?

Plus her Mom doesn't take pictures at our visits so that's all on me pretty much. At first I needed to keep those pictures as "mine" for a few days, but I want her to have some pics of us ALL together, not even just me and Cupcake, you know?

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

It can be so hard because, as you know, everyone thinks they know everything about adoption because their uncle's brother's nephew's friend's cousin adopted a baby in 1922.

PS You crack me up

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

I have been meaning to start sending pics of me, what I'm doing, etc. to Cupcake and her Mom at least once in a while. Yes, Cupcake's real young, and no, I don't change that much but I just feel like I need to do SOMEthing you know?

Plus her Mom doesn't take pictures at our visits so that's all on me pretty much. At first I needed to keep those pictures as "mine" for a few days, but I want her to have some pics of us ALL together, not even just me and Cupcake, you know?

I think you sending pics from the visits is an awesome gesture! I would think the pics will mean more to your daughter coming from you kwim?

[Vogi2002]

Yeah I would LOVE to get pictures of my kids' birthmom's and thier family. I want all kinds of pictures though...family....friends, I would put them all in a book for them with names so I can point them out to them.

I can't believe she doesn't take pictures...my goodness i took pictures of us eating at Chili's! LOL She would probably love those pics...I've seen them, OMG they are freaking gorgeous.

As far as living arrangements go & distance...first is in town (an hour away) second is farther away (3 - 4 hours). I do get it, because with our first we meet for lunch, or do day things, with our second it becomes a weekend. BUT we do it more often with our first than our second, so it's give and take. Plus I can "Swing by" for lunch or something so that is cool.

I find the best thing is when they have email, or facebook, or myspace becaues they can see pictures, videos of the kids, etc without me having to send them ALL. I'm also able to update everyone at once which is nice.

(((Jenna))) I can't imagine what would prevent visits but I know it has GOT to be hard on you. ((hugs))

Blessed - I too am guarded with everything. Sad but I have to be to keep from getting dissapointed. I find that at times I might even expect too much from them.

[belleinblue1978]

Oh I love hearing how much pictures mean from your kids' firstfamilies. I have wondered if mine mean anything when I send them, I'm hoping that they do. I'm going to look for a photo album to send to kiddo this time around or next. I was thinking I might decorate it with something I make.

I have to say that I really like writing my monthly letters and sending kiddo pics. I like letting him know what I'm up to. Since I'm at mom and dad's this week I'm gathering up pics of me and family growing up. I'll put dates on them and stuff and names so they know who everyone is.

((((Jenna and Leigh)))) I can't even imagine how you feel. There just aren't even words for me to express my sympathy.

TGM, I try! I need to blog because I have a funny story to tell hehe.