[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Tammy. I have just started like five different posts to respond to yours. All I can say is I have enormous respect for you and I think your kids will too. That's got to count for a lot!

Ahhh... you are so sweet. I hope my kids can see the big picture someday... that we tried. I've kept all our correspondence so they know what we've told their families. All I can do is that I guess... thanks for the encouragement!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by finallyamom0310

Tammy, I think we all have days were we feel the relationship is one sided. I have had them myself. DD's BMom goes through times of communication and times were I don't hear from her for months. The one thing that I know will help me if DD ever says I didn't try hard enough is that I will be able to say that our blog let BMom know every day how she was doing. I can' force communication but I can say I tried by keeping her and the rest of the family informed enough about her.

I mostly mention this as I noticed in your signature that you too have a blog and thought this might help you as well. It is not easy to have all the answers for the kids as they try to find their way as well. Just know that you can say "I don't know" to them and that we are all here for you.

Thank you for the encouragement. I guess I'm just worn out from 4 1/2 years of days like that. When I say one-sided i mean it. There is no mutual communication unless we can somehow arrange a f2f. And then, there is no recognition of the updates/pictures we send. In DD's situation, her bgramma lets us know when she gives them to her other mom, but that's the only way we know she got them. It is wearing me down. Maybe I just need a break from adoption for awhile to recooperate.

We are keeping copies of all we have sent to their other families and I have written journal entries about every phone conversation and f2f visit so they know what has been done. I hope my kids can understand someday how we tried. Even more, I hope that things will break someday and get better. I've read though, anecdotally that if an open adoption doesn't solidify in the first couple of years, it most likely won't. Deep breath... I truly appreciate the support.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

Just wanted to pop in here and I finally agreed to a form of mediation. I cannot do the final face to face. I told my therapist that. So she is going to call Supergirl's Mom and see if it is okay to give their number to the 3rd party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really cannot handle phone calls. I think that is why I always send a thank you after I get photos. Ofcourse I have none done so since June. I still can't. I really just don't what to say.

((((((Leigh))))) is this mediation to try to move forward? I do hope that Supergirl's Mom agrees to it. You need to talk this out, in person if possible. Hugs to you... I am hoping that this works out eventually. It is SO important!

[thanksgivingmom]

Congrats on being at a place where you can agree to the mediation Leigh, I know that is really huge for you, and I'm super proud of you.

Tammy, I think it's great that you had the good visit and tried to open communication lines there. Please understand I'm not trying to defend DS's birthmom for not contacting before BUT I rarely have any contact with Cupcake's Mom for quite a while after visits - for a number of reasons - (1) it's all pretty raw and emotional after a visit (and sometimes that doesn't even hit me for a few weeks!). (2) I don't want to overburden her Mom since I just had a visit even though her Mom always says I can email ANY time (3) I just need some alone time and space to reflect, take it in, and sometimes just to "get by" I need to live in denial land for just a little bit.

So, even an AWESOMEly dedicated firstmom like me (yes, I just gave myself kudos, sorry) can be distant and quiet, ESPECIALLY after a visit. (I'm even a huge hypocrite and sometimes have a horrible response time to emails right after a visit.)

I do hope that this is just a lag after that visit and that the visit will be the starting off point for some improvements in your communication (I can't help it, I'm ever the hopeful optimist...)

In DD's situation....I don't know what to tell you....but you have every right to do what you have to for you and your children.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Tammy, I think it's great that you had the good visit and tried to open communication lines there. Please understand I'm not trying to defend DS's birthmom for not contacting before BUT I rarely have any contact with Cupcake's Mom for quite a while after visits - for a number of reasons - (1) it's all pretty raw and emotional after a visit (and sometimes that doesn't even hit me for a few weeks!). (2) I don't want to overburden her Mom since I just had a visit even though her Mom always says I can email ANY time (3) I just need some alone time and space to reflect, take it in, and sometimes just to "get by" I need to live in denial land for just a little bit.

So, even an AWESOMEly dedicated firstmom like me (yes, I just gave myself kudos, sorry) can be distant and quiet, ESPECIALLY after a visit. (I'm even a huge hypocrite and sometimes have a horrible response time to emails right after a visit.)

I do hope that this is just a lag after that visit and that the visit will be the starting off point for some improvements in your communication (I can't help it, I'm ever the hopeful optimist...)

In DD's situation....I don't know what to tell you....but you have every right to do what you have to for you and your children.

TY TG... of course, I need to hear what you say... your perspective ~ that of first mothers ~ is the main reason I started posting here... I wanted to understand the women I want so much to have relnships with, and their hesitancy. And what you say makes total sense to me. I think this is truly exhaustion from all the trying and I do need to let it go and get ready for our next update to be sent as usual at the end of September. And like you, hope... I am an optimist too, and that is why sometimes, this sucks not to have things go as positively as I can imagine them. Does that even make sense?

And YOU ARE an AWESOMEly dedicated mom to your Cupcake. Pats on the back are well deserved, and honestly, those of you who put in so much work for these relationships to work need to acknowledge that every once in awhile. You get alot of stereotypes put on you (and situations like mine don't help!) that are undeserved. You are enduring the hard stuff for the sake of your DD. THAT is something to get kudos for. And you keep me hopeful that someday things will be like that for us.

I guess for me, the warning is there for others... open adoptions are that much harder with those who may not have the personal health to invest in them. I was naive, assuming that being in their lives would add a dimension of support that would help them have the strength to be healthy. I believed them when they said they were placing their children with us for their child's sake but also to help them as parents/people get healthier and whole. It hasn't worked out like that. I've learned alot about their struggles since then and know better why. And embrace them as people even with all their 'stuff'. But right now, I'm just tired.

Thanks again for your support, and this thread. I honestly don't have a single person to talk about this is real life. I can't even imagine opening up the subject without having others look at me like I have a second head! Most people think I'm crazy for even trying. My motherlove side says it will be worth it. Praying it is so...

Shutting up now and going to do my best therapy... baking... Hubby loves it when I'm working through 'stuff'... he gets fresh baking!! Yesterday it was whole wheat bread (seven loaves worth!) and oatmeal raisin cookies. Today, three kinds of sweet bread and chocochip cookies are on the agenda! Woohoo.

[belleinblue1978]

Oh Leight, hang in there, you'll be in my thoughts.

I'm so with you on the phone thing, I'm horrid at it.

[finallyamom0310]

Tammy, you can send some baked goods my way. I hate to cook or bake.

Please remember we are here for you when you need us. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Hugs coming your way.

[mzsrbaker]

Hello everyone, my name is Stephanie and I am so glad to find this forum and also to find stories of adoptive mothers who are happy with/making effort to keep the open adoption Open. I don’t know if I am posting correctly…this is the first time I have reached out like this (in a forum). I hope I can share my story and receive some feedback from you guys.
I was 19 when I had my daughter and gave her up 17 years ago. I spent a good part of my pregnancy looking for adoptive parents for an open adoption arrangement. I can’t even recall how many couples I met with but found something I didn’t like about each of them or they didn’t fully agree with how open I wanted the adoption to be. I wanted to visit once or twice a year when possible. I wanted to be able to call and be called, as long as it was within boundaries of course. I wanted photographs and letters twice per year, especially those years I may not be able to make it to visit. (very poor and most lived in another state). I just basically wanted an OPEN adoption. One where I could develop a relationship with the adoptive parents and create a strong and secure foundation for my bdaughter…I think you guys understand the direction I was trying to go. I didn’t want my bdaughter to ever have to find out at 10-25-40 years old that she was adopted and feel that betrayal, loss of her reality, you know? I wanted her to never have to wonder if she was loved by me…to ever have to feel like she was “not wanted”…I wanted her to have the best of both worlds where she was nutured and loved and bonded to all of us. They, her parents and me, her birthmother.
She was already a month old before I found anyone I thought was a good fit for us. They lived a couple of states away so I packed up the baby and went there. I stayed with them for two months and we hit it off from the start…bonded strongly. I trusted them, I think more than I did my own family (which was dysfunctional to say the least…a factor in giving up my bdaughter). We discussed, over those 2 months, at great length, what I was looking for in open adoption and why, etc. Everything was readily agreed. They were more than happy with such an arrangement and felt it was in my bdaughter’s best interest.
We sat down with the social workers from the agency and discussed everything, etc…etc…it was bittersweet of course, giving her up was so hard, especially after parenting her for 3 months, but knowing I’d found good parents and people who held the same values and ideals as me…it was wonderful. I even wanted to send things with her that were heirlooms meant for my firstborn and they promised, teary-eyed that they would hold them for when she was old enough. And they offered up the idea that they would create a scrapbook to log the history of our journey together so I was to be sure and send updated pictures/letters when I could.
For the first few months I was inundated with pictures and letters. Often, the envelope would literally be bursting from so many photos. My birthday came around and there was a birthday card…same with Christmas and even Halloween. I didn’t talk to them much on the phone because I didn’t have one for some time, struggling to get on my feet financially but the letters sure poured in more than I’d even asked for.
After about 6 months of this they backed way off on the number of letters/pictures. I finally got a phone and gave them a call to see how things were going and they were a bit short with me but I didn’t think much of it…maybe just busy.
I was able to visit when she was 11 months old. I was moving to the other side of the country (2000 miles away) in hopes to go to college and start a better life for myself…knowing trips to visit would be difficult, I wanted to squeeze in a visit on my way. I arranged this a month ahead of time but they still had to “get back to me” on it. Again, I ignored it…didn’t think a thing of it. I arrived early evening and stayed through breakfast the next day. It was very different from when I’d been there before….very strained, distant, watching my every move. It was wonderful to see my BD walking and babbling, trying to spoon feed me her milk. She was very healthy and happy. But the adoptive parents were just not themselves. I shrugged it off as new parent nerves. They had never adopted before nor since. (I’ve also never had more children)

Little did I know, when I left the next morning, hugging them all goodbye, I’d never see them again.
In less than 2 years I was moving back to my home state and called to tell them and ask if I could come for a visit sometime in the coming weeks after I was settled in…they said no. They explained that they had decided it would be too confusing for such a young child and they wanted her to get older so they could talk with her, explain and prepare her…also, I was to not call their home anymore (I’d only called maybe four times in this time span) and start sending any correspondence through a friend’s home address who would then re-mail to them. Of course I was very sad and confused but trusted them so much and was so afraid if I questioned anything they’d snatch her away completely.
They slowly but surely cut the letters and pictures down to one per year by the time she was four. It was supposed to come after her birthday which is in June. Every year its come later and later…last year it was thanksgiving before I received anything. Every year the photo has been further away and more blurred. And every year they wrote the same things (I have all the letters and recently took them out to compare when it FINALLY hit me)…always “she had a great party, she is the most spoiled little princess…she is healthy and very happy” with some other unrelated chit chat. Every year, if I had moved or changed my phone number, I’d always notify them immediately, by letter. And I have always replied to the yearly “birthday” letter with one of my own, much more in depth and with several photos for the “scrapbook”. I’d ask questions about her and on occasion ask if/when I could see her, talk to them on the phone, one year I even asked if they would consider a home video…anything. It all went ignored. The first year the letter came later than September I became so nervous that I called and the adoptive mother said she’d have to call me back. She called from her cell phone while out running errands and was very nice but at the same time blatantly ignored any questions I asked, as if she didn’t hear me. She said she was concerned about me “not moving on” with my life which hit me hard. I actually began to question my sanity. She told me they get busy and the letter may be late now and then but to never worry because they are all fine and will get a letter to me when they can but to never call or send mail to their house again. I was so hurt but also very afraid I’d lose that one letter/photo if I said anything more.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that my 17 year old BD has a myspace page open to the public and that it was bad. I’d never gone looking for her for several reasons: the extra pain it would cause me, knowing I’m not allowed to contact her, etc. But this news concerned me so I looked at it. She is seriously depressed, to a frightening level. At first I tried to convince myself it is a phase…teenage angst…but I’m not buying it. In contemplating this…worrying about it…wondering how to broach the subject with her parents…it FINALLY occurred to me, “OH MY GOD! SHE IS 17 YEARS OLD AND I’VE NOT EVEN BEEN ALLOWED ONE MEASILY PHONE CONVERSATION WITH THEM LET ALONE HER! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?”
Naturally that led to all sorts of thoughts about why they did this and just knowing it very well could have made a difference in my BD’s life had I been involved…but how do I know? I know nothing and this realization is almost more than I can bear. At least if I’d had the contact we’d agreed to, she would have someone else to talk to…I wouldn’t have to not say anything to her about her depression…I wouldn’t have to sit back and watch her wither into darkness, completely helpless:*(
And of course, why is she so unhappy? Have they been lying to me all these years? What on earth has gone on there? Is this why they shut me out? How can I even contact my BD once she is an adult…she probably hates me. Ugh…any insight?

[Stormster]

I am so sorry Mz. Unfortunately I have seen stories like this before and I think it is a great injustice. I hope you get the support you need so that you are able to reestablish your relationship with your precious daughter.

[feelingreyt]

This is an awsome thread. I am so glad I stumbled upon it.
Here is our story....It's long, so please bare with me.....
Dh and I have been married for 13 yrs. After TTC for 4 yrs we were blessed with biodd. 4 yrs and 4 months later we were blessed again with biods!
We had fostered for about a year during our TTC years. We enjoyed it, but we were young and just not prepared emotionally to foster at the time. I still have a desire to foster in the future. We had also started looking into adoption, but of course, that was when we got preg with dd! Then after we had ds I got my tubes tied because I had complications and we just didn't want to risk my health. I regretted that decision after about a year. We honestly thought our family was complete.
Now about our adoption.....
We recieved an unexpected phone call from a family member saying 3 of her grandchildren needed a temporary home. We told her we could take 1 or 2, but honestly could not see taking in 3. We would be getting ZERO help from the state or the family and all 3 children were still in diapers...a 4 day baby boy, 10 month old girl and a 20 month old girl. We just could not take on that much. So they asked if we could just take the newborn. I picked him up the next day!
About 2 months later we were asked to adopt him. We could not have been happier. We were head over heels in love and honestly dreading the day he would have to leave.
His first mom VTPR'd, the courts TPR'd dad, and the Judge waived the 6 month waiting period. It all happened so fast! We finalized when ds was only 3 months and 12 days old! Relative adoptions are awsome, in the regard!
We live in the same County as bmom, so visits are not hard to schedule. Our main problem is the fact bmom is in and out of jail/rehab. And she is only allowed to see ds if she is clean. Which she is right now! In fact, I'm waiting for her to call be back so we can have a visit.
Her lifestyle and her immediate family's lifestyle is so different from ours that we don't see each other often. We really have very little in common with them. In all honesty, if not for ds we probably would only see them at family reunions, which is the way it was before ds. This has not been easy on us. They lead very caotic lives. Drama all the time. The biograndma is unstable and there is no way I can leave ds with her. She does not understand this at all. She has a 2 yr old that literally roams wherever he wants, by himself, and she sees no problem with it! She just lets him out the front door and there he goes. And if she's sleeping, he lets himself out. The same goes for ds's 4 yr old biosister that she has living with her. It's crazy. And she gets upset with me because she can't watch ds for me! PLEASE!
Anyway, our OA is very complicated and rocky, but I am trying my best to maintain as much contact as possible.
Oh, I almost forgot...we had one of ds's biosisters with us for a month earlier this year. What was supposed to be a one night stay turned into almost a month. Bmom was on a drug binge.
It's been sad, trying, tireing, yet we are so blessed with our son and love him so very much. We love his bmom, and his bsister's. I plan on keeping our adoption as open as possible. Sometimes thats easier said than done!

[finallyamom0310]

Mz I am sorry that I don't have any advice but I did want to snd some hugs your way. I really hope that when your daughter is old enough and you are in reunion that you can help her

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by feelingreyt

This is an awsome thread. I am so glad I stumbled upon it.
Here is our story....It's long, so please bare with me.....
Dh and I have been married for 13 yrs. After TTC for 4 yrs we were blessed with biodd. 4 yrs and 4 months later we were blessed again with biods!
We had fostered for about a year during our TTC years. We enjoyed it, but we were young and just not prepared emotionally to foster at the time. I still have a desire to foster in the future. We had also started looking into adoption, but of course, that was when we got preg with dd! Then after we had ds I got my tubes tied because I had complications and we just didn't want to risk my health. I regretted that decision after about a year. We honestly thought our family was complete.
Now about our adoption.....
We recieved an unexpected phone call from a family member saying 3 of her grandchildren needed a temporary home. We told her we could take 1 or 2, but honestly could not see taking in 3. We would be getting ZERO help from the state or the family and all 3 children were still in diapers...a 4 day baby boy, 10 month old girl and a 20 month old girl. We just could not take on that much. So they asked if we could just take the newborn. I picked him up the next day!
About 2 months later we were asked to adopt him. We could not have been happier. We were head over heels in love and honestly dreading the day he would have to leave.
His first mom VTPR'd, the courts TPR'd dad, and the Judge waived the 6 month waiting period. It all happened so fast! We finalized when ds was only 3 months and 12 days old! Relative adoptions are awsome, in the regard!
We live in the same County as bmom, so visits are not hard to schedule. Our main problem is the fact bmom is in and out of jail/rehab. And she is only allowed to see ds if she is clean. Which she is right now! In fact, I'm waiting for her to call be back so we can have a visit.
Her lifestyle and her immediate family's lifestyle is so different from ours that we don't see each other often. We really have very little in common with them. In all honesty, if not for ds we probably would only see them at family reunions, which is the way it was before ds. This has not been easy on us. They lead very caotic lives. Drama all the time. The biograndma is unstable and there is no way I can leave ds with her. She does not understand this at all. She has a 2 yr old that literally roams wherever he wants, by himself, and she sees no problem with it! She just lets him out the front door and there he goes. And if she's sleeping, he lets himself out. The same goes for ds's 4 yr old biosister that she has living with her. It's crazy. And she gets upset with me because she can't watch ds for me! PLEASE!
Anyway, our OA is very complicated and rocky, but I am trying my best to maintain as much contact as possible.
Oh, I almost forgot...we had one of ds's biosisters with us for a month earlier this year. What was supposed to be a one night stay turned into almost a month. Bmom was on a drug binge.
It's been sad, trying, tireing, yet we are so blessed with our son and love him so very much. We love his bmom, and his bsister's. I plan on keeping our adoption as open as possible. Sometimes thats easier said than done!

Feeling I am glad to get that overview of your OA. Thanks for sharing it. In many ways I can relate even though ours is not a relative adoption. Still we grew very close to E's birth parents and they do feel like "family" to me. Anyway, welcome to this thread. I have found it to be a very supportive (and safe) place to discuss personal issues in OA.

[feelingreyt]

Thank you, Stormster, for the welcome.
OA is really a whole new world to us. We are learning as we go. I believe that as long as we continue to learn, continue to pray, and continue to try to be as compassionate as possible, our OA can be successful!

[djvj]

mz, thank you for sharing your story and i'm sorry about your adoption experience. i feel sick in my heart every time i hear a story like this, and i hear them all too often.

i have no advice for you, but i would definitely suggest that you keep posting and discussing your feelings with other birthmothers. it sounds like you have done everything right as far as documenting your contacts and saving them for your child to see if you reunite.

if you are considering contacting her or going into reunion, i urge you to get a good support system in place including a counselor or therapist. even in the best adoption situations, reunion is very overwhelming for everyone involved, and it helps to be prepared for that in advance.

i wish you every blessing and a happy ending to your story of love....

[mzsrbaker]

thank you:*)
i am in therapy. i've been in and out of therapy over the years but for the past year have been with the best therapist i ever found. i will keep on keeping on...