[thanksgivingmom]

you could always send me some Clinique Stormster!! (jk of course )

I think your bank analogy with the huge deposit is really interesting though! I like it - I know what you mean - I've put this huge deposit (my faith!) into Cupcake's Mom - hoping that one day it will make some interest and pay off!

As for me, I'm a little eh again because I got the date suggestions (YAY!!!) and responded with my preference and said that I would love to make the plans solid because I'll be on vacation for the two weeks before the visit (also crazy busy until then because I'm moving - okay, only into the other bedroom in the apartment, but still, I sort of have to pack up everything and at least get it over there before my vacay too) and I never heard back that my plans were okay! I'd love a confirmation! She MUST have read the email by now - how long does, "Sounds great!?" take to type??? or even "doesn't look good?" Of course the latter isn't what I want to hear, but it doesn't take that long.

I don't mean to sound selfish, but with finding a new roommate, planning a trip, packing for a trip, and wrapping up the end of the fiscal year at work I really don't have the time and energy to be worrying about this so much! Let me be clear - I'm NOT saying I don't have time and energy for cupcake - I MAKE time and energy for her and her Mom, I just really feel like that's not being reciprocated.

Whine over....I think

[Stormster]

TGmom it sounds like she's just a slow responder. I'm lightening fast with everything and I've had to learn patience (esp. on the internet, I'm a speed demon!). I wish you could let her know how anxious it makes you. Wouldn't that be great if we could just do that with people?

Some of our problems in OA are the same as our problems in other relationships though. That comforts me for some reason.

[finallyamom0310]

Storm and TGM I am sorry that things in your OA aren't the best right now. I on the other hand finally got a response from DD's BMom via email. I had emailed a few weeks back asking her if, as I prepare my next package for her that must be sent to the agency this week, if there were any particular pictures she wanted in the packet. I have the letter ready and the CD of all the pics we have taken since DD was born and was waiting to get pics developed for her. As of yesterday when I hadn't heard I went and got pics developed but didn't send the packet as I had hoped. Today I get an email and am thrilled as I really want to send her the pics and things she wants.

Just thought I would share a positive note in our situation. Hugs to you both.

[thanksgivingmom]

Glad to hear Finally!!!

I'm really okay, just like to whine every now and then I know that it's just something I have to get used to....she takes her sweet time. I'm only particularly nervous now because I don't know if I'll have any computer access on my trip...I could probably ask my friend if I could use his computer, but he doesn't exactly know about my firstmom status and I'm not sure this is how I'd want to tell him, you know? And I literally get back three days before the planned visit date. I'll email a reminder about a week before I go and hope that helps

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

His birthday was 26 days ago and twice she said it was mailed. I'd rather know how to prepare him if she's not great about sending stuff so he won't be disappointed in the future.

We're going through this with DD, who is 4 1/2 and very perceptive. Our last update included pics, a letter that we wrote, pics DD drew for her other mom and sister, and a couple of packages for birthdays coming up. DD is proudly carrying it through the mall to the post office (I also had one in my hand for DS's other mom) when she suddenly stops and basically says "we're sending letters...where are my letters from her?" Deep breath... all I knew to say is that her other mom is glad DD is here and she loves you but her life is hard right now. That is the lamest thing IMO for me to say but what do you say to a 4yo? But this whole thing, if there isn't a relationship to be built...that has yet to be determined since relationships take two sides and right now, it's pretty one-sided... this whole thing is about helping my DD understand that we are working so that DD is known as much as we are able by her other family. And we hope that they are willing to share themselves with us. But that is all I could say. I definitely will have to be addressed more thoroughly as DD gets older. I don't know... sometimes I don't know if we're doing the right thing trying so hard as well. DD's Mom hasn't been able to make much progress towards stability in her life, in fact, things have worsened. I just don't know. DD is incredibly sensitive to how others relate to her already. Is she already feeling like she was rejected even though we are doing all in our power to help her understand that her mom did what she thought she had to do. I don't know. Have I said I don't know lately??? Sorry... it's a down day here re: stuff too.

[thanksgivingmom]

Ugh, Tammy I'm so sorry! Especially since DD is SO perceptive...I've known a lot of four year olds but that seems like such a wise beyond her years thing to say.

Keep coming here when you "don't know" - even if we don't know either we're here for you

[Stormster]

Tammy I'm not sure WHAT one says to a 4 year old in this situation.

I'm thinking I might tell E that people show love in different ways. Plus his birth mother is good with calling. Just not a big post office fan I guess.

[lovemy2boys]

Stormster,

I know how you feel, cardwise - AJ is going to be 7, and he's never received a bday card...

D's mom used to send cards occasionally, but since D had another baby, all cards/calls/visits, etc. from her mom have stopped. I'm really sad for AJ...I asked D about it and she keeps saying "No, no - she's just really busy..."

But on a good note, JD's firstmom, C called today out of the blue just to chat...That has NEVER happened in 4 1/2 years!!! We have a great relationship via email and in person (about once a month we get together), but we've never chatted on the phone.

She could hear the kids in the background, so I said "You want to talk to JD" and she did, then I heard him say "Hey AJ, C wants to talk to you" and I almost cried...for her to ask to talk to both my boys really touched my heart.

I love that girl...I really truly love her.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Tammy I'm not sure WHAT one says to a 4 year old in this situation.

I'm thinking I might tell E that people show love in different ways. Plus his birth mother is good with calling. Just not a big post office fan I guess.

See, I'm just the opposite, I would a million times rather write a letter than call on the phone, so different ways of showing love is exactly how it goes.

[finallyamom0310]

Love2 thanks for sharing how wonderful some Bmoms are. I had tears running while reading and DD staring trying to figure out what was wrong with Mommy

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Tammy I'm not sure WHAT one says to a 4 year old in this situation.

I'm thinking I might tell E that people show love in different ways. Plus his birth mother is good with calling. Just not a big post office fan I guess.

Well... both my kids' birthmoms aren't "good" at either I guess. Nothing happens unless I do it... and it has just hit me how exhausted I am fighting for it all by myself.

I mean, let's talk about it... is it worth it for my children if it is this one-sided? Part of my motive has been more about making sure my kids understood how important their birth families are to them, but yet, there's no proof really, that my kids are important to their birth families. And I have to be the one to answer THAT question. For example, we had a good visit with DS's other mom and brother a couple weeks ago. It was a visit I have been pushing for and trying to convince his other mom that it was a good thing for two years. And I gave her our email (in addition to our phone #, cell #s, snailmail addy) in hopes that maybe that would be an easier form of communication. She said she would contact us (she has email access at her school, and at home... she has a computer at home...we saw it...she got it as a part of her schooling subsidies) and in an effort to treat her equally (as in we both play an equal part and I want more of a sister friendship, and she said she did too, not with me being the "mother" figure in the relationship pushing things along) I have waited for her to contact us. Nothing. And she isn't working right now and not in school. So it is not like life is extremely busy for her. I'm honestly ready to just let it go and not try so hard but then it will be all my fault somehow, someday that I didn't work harder. And DD's situation is much more complicated... I won't even go into it. But I'm exhausted. And I feel like if I don't keep on working at it all by myself that someday my kids will hold it against me, that I didn't work hard enough on a one-sided relationship with people who don't seem to want it all that bad. I've tried to have compassion as both families are really struggling and I suppose we aren't that much of a priority, even though they say we are.

Sorry...whiny, tired morning here... and I know, I know...it is a privilege to be their mom and this all goes along with it. I've been told not to complain, after all, I asked for this. So true. But sometimes, it it is just exhausting. Thanks for listening.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Ugh, Tammy I'm so sorry! Especially since DD is SO perceptive...I've known a lot of four year olds but that seems like such a wise beyond her years thing to say.

Keep coming here when you "don't know" - even if we don't know either we're here for you

Ah Thanks... it seems pretty lonely sometimes, as we're trying to work through this openness with families who just can't for their reasons. And I'm at a loss right now for how to proceed. I DO NOT understand how an open adoption can break down if there has been consistent and mutual support and contact. That makes no sense to me... I don't understand how in situations like Leigh's (and even yours, where it took so long for a response), where you are consistently involved, why they would have these delays or even withdrawals. But I can understand how some can just "let it go" when all the work just doesn't get you anywhere. I'm not thinking about stopping contact, won't do that ever unless they ask me to, or it becomes truly unhealthy (which is possible esp in DD's situation and direct contact with her other mom). But I'm just at a loss for what is best.

And I was struck too last night as I read this thread how much your post about feeling like the other side wasn't putting in as much effort mirrored my feelings. I can't really empathize as I don't know what it feels like to be a first mom, but that feeling of frustration when you work hard and it isn't completely reciprocated is something I can really relate to.

Wow... I'm filled with loads of angst this morning! Sorry about that...

[Stormster]

Tammy. I have just started like five different posts to respond to yours. All I can say is I have enormous respect for you and I think your kids will too. That's got to count for a lot!

[finallyamom0310]

Tammy, I think we all have days were we feel the relationship is one sided. I have had them myself. DD's BMom goes through times of communication and times were I don't hear from her for months. The one thing that I know will help me if DD ever says I didn't try hard enough is that I will be able to say that our blog let BMom know every day how she was doing. I can' force communication but I can say I tried by keeping her and the rest of the family informed enough about her.

I mostly mention this as I noticed in your signature that you too have a blog and thought this might help you as well. It is not easy to have all the answers for the kids as they try to find their way as well. Just know that you can say "I don't know" to them and that we are all here for you.

[lahdh4]

Just wanted to pop in here and I finally agreed to a form of mediation. I cannot do the final face to face. I told my therapist that. So she is going to call Supergirl's Mom and see if it is okay to give their number to the 3rd party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really cannot handle phone calls. I think that is why I always send a thank you after I get photos. Ofcourse I have none done so since June. I still can't. I really just don't what to say.