[lahdh4]

In the beginning I liked knowing when pictures would come. Just getting them out of the blue when I wasn't expecting them caused me to go in a zone and I wouldn't remember getting home. For me it is a comfort thing. Something to look forward to as they usually come around the same date, every other month. These last months being the exception.

Storm: ok you had me highly confused for awhile. Everytime I have logged in you had a different avatar and I couldn't figure out who it was. All though, loving the new one.

[lovemy2boys]

So let me ask the firstmoms here - is it just as important to get pics regularly, even if you see your child regularly?

I send off pics every once in a while, then make a complete cd at the end of the year with all the pics I've taken that year...But we see "C" and "D" quite regularly - about once a month with C and every other month with D...so I don't always think of sending the pics off regularly since we see them...

[thanksgivingmom]

I think what you're doing sounds fine I mean, I like seeing the pics of Cupcake that wouldn't be possible on our visits - pics of her on Halloween, at parties, dressed up, in pajamas, etc. So I still like pics through the year - but I think at the end with a CD of the whole year sounds AWESOME!!! (Again, so jealous here!)

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

Storm: ok you had me highly confused for awhile. Everytime I have logged in you had a different avatar and I couldn't figure out who it was. All though, loving the new one.

Someone said The Cat in the Hat is super creepy so.... Glad you like the new one though!

[JustCourtney]

Thank you all for the replies. I especially appreciate hearing the perspectives of the first moms here. I can see how easily she could be hurt by either not sending pics or hearing from us when she "thought" she might, as well as having me call or email and catch her off guard. In the end, I just want to have this be as comfortable and open as possible for everyone, and I think that a little structure to start with might go a long way in establishing that trust.

When we were first talking she was very candid about her fears. She told me point blank that she thought we were nice people, and she hoped that she could trust us, but she was afraid that we disappear after placement or not let her see her son. I told her that I understood her fear and would feel the same way in her shoes - cause I would! The last thing I want to do is give her any reason to think her fears were founded. She has enough to deal with right now - she doesn't need to worry about us flaking on her.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

So let me ask the firstmoms here - is it just as important to get pics regularly, even if you see your child regularly?

I send off pics every once in a while, then make a complete cd at the end of the year with all the pics I've taken that year...But we see "C" and "D" quite regularly - about once a month with C and every other month with D...so I don't always think of sending the pics off regularly since we see them...

I'm jealous too, the CD sounds great!

If I saw kiddo more than two or three times a year, regular pics wouldn't be so much of an issue. I'd be cool with a whenever kinda thing in that case.

[taramayrn]

For me, as I see my son fairly regularily, getting regular pics and updates isn't a big deal. However it would cool though if his mom sent me a few pics via email in between our visits. She does rarely.

[finallyamom0310]

Storm. have to agree, the new avatar is great.

[aclee]

So I got a reply e-mail back from M. Her two oldest are back to school, and the youngest in daycare, she's still in school, and attending her counseling and her support group. There was a lot of talk about wishing that R (Ty's bfather) was as strong as her. She wants him to get some help, and he's having a hard time. Won't see the counselor, won't go to a support group, still won't tell his family about Ty. She really wants us to come visit, and says that Ty's birth siblings and birth cousins are really excited to meet him.
DH and I would like to go visit in October. It depends on how expensive the flights are and getting vacation approved etc. We're planning on just taking a long weekend, but I'm really worried. M's family (who all know about Ty) are not local. R's family, is local...I feel like the wanting to see Tyler again might be only M. I have no idea where R is in wanting to see Ty, or us. I know that you all are bmothers, not bfathers, but could any of you give me some insight on how this could effect him if he's not ready yet? He's having such a hard time already, I don't know if seeing Ty would help or hurt any progress, if he's made it. M said that he even went and got a second job a few nights a week, just so he wouldn't be at home. That doesn't sound good. I know it's not my place to worry about their relationship, and it's reasonable to expect that even a relationship as solid as theirs (they have been together 8 years) could be shaken by adoption, I obviously want them to be "okay"...Should I talk to M and see if R wants us to come visit too?

I can guess from what M has said, and from speaking with our social worker that what R is going through is very differnent than what M goes through. On top of the loss, there is the whole "male" supporting his family failure for R, and our social worker says that R (who did not help M choose us) could be angry that M chose a white family to support a child that financially he could not. R did not act that way towards us when we met him, but he was very polite, sir, ma'am...all that. I've spoke with him once by phone and he was the same way. Actually aplogized that he had the cell phone and was at work, so M would call me later. Like I was going to be mad at him!

Any thoughts would be great. I know I can't "fix" it, I just don't want to make it worse by going down there either...

[Monster]

This was the best idea i have had so many questions and concerns but was not sure who could help..
Ok here goes i go to meet my child in 9 days im totally freaking out i have never met her other then the three days i spent with her at the hospital her Amom and dad were great are great but they kinda freak me out one day out of the blue they call me and put my daughter on the phone she wanted to personally invite me to her 7th birth day, Um i almost fell over of coarse i want to go i will go i been waiting for this day, but when we talk i clam up im so afraid to let them down or sound stupid.
God knows how much i love and respect them i want to be involved but whats to involved what limits do they really want im so nervous i could die!!! . When we e mail or talk they are very open and nice and my daughter my gosh she is brave talks to me like she is my best freind they made her strong and brave that is so important to me but i dont want to be to grateful that it makes them sick..Any advice? i just dont want to step on toes or miss out?

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by aclee

Any thoughts would be great. I know I can't "fix" it, I just don't want to make it worse by going down there either...

Aclee,

I'm so glad you heard from M.


As far as the bdad.... I used to DRAG my ex with me to visits and then he would fall asleep. Kiddo's mom is REALLY bitter about that, read it as him not being interested. I don't know if that was the case or not, he would make me so mad that I could talk to him about it. My guess, in retrospect, is that that is how he was processing his grief, no matter how inappropriate it may have been. He refuses to see our son or acknowledge him now that I am out of the picture. I think it is probably easier for him to be in denial than admit the baby. There are alot of factors in that that I won't go into for the sake of his privacy, but adoption is far from his only issue. (He isn't violent and doesn't drink, just other stuff.)

Men just process stuff differently. It could so easily go either way on a visit. I guess the big question is, do you want to deny M seeing your son because you want to protect bdad? Remember too that grieving for most firstparents is circular. Don't go there and expect everyone to "keep moving forward". A visit may be a setback for everyone involved and that is something that firstparents have to deal with. We have visits because of our children, not for ourselves.

[lovemy2boys]

Monster,

I've been following your story - I can't believe the visit is only 9 days away!!!

I would just be honest...I'd tell them that you're very excited but also really nervous...I'm sure they feel the same way!

I'll be sending great thoughts your way!!

[finallyamom0310]

Monster, I too have been following and am anxious to hear how your visit goes in 9 days. Please remember to update us all.

[belleinblue1978]

Gah, it has been nearly a month since my mom talked to Kiddo's mom. I still haven't gotten any pictures. What is wrong with this woman? Mom requested pictures for BOTH of us (I take them home and use the copier for mom and dad) and still, nothing.

I know she is busy raising a child and working and taking care of a house, but it would take ten minutes to drop them in the mail and I know they stop in at WalMart all the time. What is the deal?

Ok, so I'm a wee bit frustrated with this. I need to set up a visit for next month, I'll get pictures then of course, but why can't I have some in between?

[Stormster]

Hi everyone.

So there obviously is no birthday card coming.

His birthday was 26 days ago and twice she said it was mailed. I'd rather know how to prepare him if she's not great about sending stuff so he won't be disappointed in the future.

Her phone is turned off and I'm not paying it or offering to pay it. She hasn't asked. I was going to send her some clinique makeup for a pressie but now I don't want to. I don't even know where she is living anyway.

I think I'm kind of more PO'd about the card then I care to admit to myself! But in a strange way I feel like I'm learning the rules....lately I feel like I can protect myself better not just in our OA but in general. I've been really empowered by some parenting books I've been reading and E is doing great.

I feel like I'm a good partner in this OA. If the OA was a bank account I feel like this first year I put a giant deposit in (does that make sense?). I kind of want to work on putting some of that energy into parenting which now I can do because he's a junior toddler (yes that's a term) and I can really do a lot to help him learn in our time home together before school. And more than learn I'm COMMITTED to giving him what I didn't have. A fully nurturing ATTENTIVE mom and wonderfully playful, functional home environment. I want him to be one of those adults who says "my mom was awesome, I had a wonderful childhood" As my friend Aclee said "I'll die trying!"

I'll keep doing my part but maybe I don't have to be quite so hyper vigilant about constantly doing the right thing because she's human and so am I. It's kind of a relief actually.