[quantum]

One quick comment,
stick to your guns! Don't feel pressured to give up ANY of your rights (even if it's just to be roomed with your babies).
I'm also seeing red flags all over the place...

[thanksgivingmom]

Sorry, this is pretty long I think.....

This is my first time at Adoption.com but I'm glad I found the site... I'm in serious need of advice!!

First off, Welcome!!

I feel like she's being very selfish and not very understanding to my needs and feelings. I understand that she's waited a long time to be a parent and that she wants the attention, but I'm growing impatient with her. Everytime she calls to talk, its about her and how she's feeling and how overwhelmed she is. But its aggravating because everytime she calls it depresses me and reminds me that soon I'm going to have to give away my babies.

I hate to say this, but my experience (not personal, but through observation the past nearly three years) has been that if she's not respecting you now while you're pregnant, it will not get better once you place your children.

If she's overwhelmed, concerned, stressed, or needs attention she needs to turn to her husband, friends, etc. - NOT YOU! It is NOT your responsibility to make her feel better during this time.

Always, first parents are told that it's not the responsibility of the aparents to make us feel better after placement (which I completely agree with). Likewise, it's not our job to have our pregnancy taken over by someone else and their emotions. It's not your job and I definitely think you need to make that clear to her - or have the agency relay that message!

She got upset when my OBGYN told her that only me and one other person could be in room with me, and had the audacity (in my opinion) to ask MY doctor, if SHE should go on maternity leave and how far in advance from my due date she should consider quitting her job.

First of all - I am REALLY concerned about this whole maternity leave/quitting her job business. Yes, mothers through adoption should certainly take maternity leave, but quitting her job? Well that seems to be a pretty coercive tactic to me. Say you change your mind when your children are born (just for arguments sake) - now you have this woman that's making you feel guilty because she already quit her job and it's "your fault." You should not be involved in her plans re: that - because it really can be used against you. Which is not right or fair by any means.

As for the hospital? Your birth plan is YOUR BIRTH PLAN. The Doc could say that you can have 50 people in the room during delivery and a grandstand in the hospital room for all I care, but it is up to YOU to decide who those 50 people are. And it is ABSOLUTELY YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE THAT NOT BE THE PROSPECTIVE APARENTS.

Hospital rights are something that I am VERY passionate about in adoption. My daughters Mom was given more rights in the hospital than I was. She came first. When she was with DD I couldn't be, and if she was there I was turned away.

She made a face of disgust when her husband suggested I be invited to her baby shower and has begun making comments about how she has no intention on sending the birth father any information on the twins because since he signed away his rights, he has no legal leg to stand on and she has no obligation therefore to send him correspondence. This makes me worried she'll do the same to me even though we've decided on an
open adoption....

Personally? I don't believe that aMoms should have showers before the child(ren) is born, and TPR is signed. I think it's another way that women can be coerced, or at least feel guilted into continuing with placement.

I also think that her intentions regarding the birthfather DO reflect on what may happen in the future with your relationship. If she clearly as said that once he has no legal rights to the child she owes him nothing? There's little reason to assume she won't apply the same logic to you after TPR is signed.

But whats started hurting the most is that when the location of the twins after birth came up. The hospital I use is very adamant on placing newborns in the rooms with the birth mothers for obvious reasons. And unless they go to NICU, they will be staying in my room with me. But when I told her this news, she got almost defensive and told me "well... but I have no plans on going into your room. So how am I supposed to feed them? And when visiting hours are over and they kick me out, who will feed them at night???!" She doesn't believe me that the hospital already knows the adoption is in place and it is up to the discretion of the birth parent whether to make anyone leave her room after visiting hours. And if she has no plans of coming to my room... does this mean she's expecting I will get no contact with my babies from birth to them leaving?? I think not..

This goes back to what I was saying previously about the hospital experience.

I would make sure that you make your birth plan/hospital plan known to the agency, social workers, nurses, doctors, and aparents. You tell them the babies will room with you, that you will breastfeed your babies, that you will clothe them, diaper them, etc. (If that is your wish of course).

This is YOUR time with them.

If these things are dealbreakers with the aparents you have chosen at this point? Then so be it.

Am I being too selfish and critical about the situation?? Sometimes I feel like I'm too harsh but in all, I've started to feel taken advantage of and like I'm more of an incubator with legs than a human being with emotions and feelings. Should I talk to her about my concerns and if so... how do you go about something like that without accusing or making myself out to be a bad guy? I want to keep things as cordial as I can but I'm getting fed up with her attitude.

I realize I've had some pretty strong opinions here (stronger than I usually exhibit on these boards) but I just feel very passionately about this. I might get flamed (I can take it) but truly? I would RUN not walk from this match. It does not sound like this is a good match for you, and I really worry about what the future would look like for you and your children in this "open" adoption.

I've seen too many amazing first Mothers have the open adoption door closed on them - WITHOUT any of the red flags that I see in your situation.

Are you by any chance in a state that has legally enforceable open adoptions? If you are, at the VERY least I would consider working on creating one. But honestly? I really think I would reconsider this match altogether.

Again, I'm sorry if I was harsh or overly critical. I know I said a lot here and if you'd like to chat about anything PLEASE feel free to email me: thanksgivingmom@hotmail.com

[kakuehl]

Welcome Squabmom -- In addition to what Quantum and Happygma said, please remember that, until and only if you sign the final papers relinquishing your parental rights, you are the one who is in control of what happens to the twins. YOU decide who is in the labor/delivery room; where the babies sleep; who gets to see them; whether or not you breast feed, etc. Please do not allow the prospective adoptive parents to bully you. (You can "unchoose" them, choosing other parents instead, or choosing to raise them yourself.) This is one of the hardest things you will ever do, make sure you do what YOU want/need to do.

[RavenSong]

Dear SquabMom,

I agree 100 percent with what Thanksgivingmom has said here, especially in regards to huge red flags being raised. I would RUN from this match, if I were in your shoes. Something just seems so wrong with the prospective adoptive mother's attitude, at least to me.

The time in the hospital with your twins is your's, both during and after delivery. Don't let her intimidate you or bully you! Before you say goodbye to the babies, it's important to say hello to them, to welcome them into the world. You need this time...and so do the babies.

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Hospital rights are something that I am VERY passionate about in adoption. My daughters Mom was given more rights in the hospital than I was. She came first. When she was with DD I couldn't be, and if she was there I was turned away.

TGM - that is just so sad. It makes my heart heavy.

SquabMommy - The more I read here, the more I think that this is a horrible match for you. If adoption is your choice, they are thousands of adoptive parents who will respect your choice, your rights to have your time in the hospital with your babies, and your future relationship with your children and the adoptive family.

It sounds as though this is an private adoption. I think that an ethical adoption agency would be a MUCH better choice for you. Maybe first moms could PM you with names of agencies that they feel are ethical agencies. (Is that allowed?) An ethical agency will not make you feel like an incubator. No one should be treated that way. An ethical agency will also insist that the adoptive parents respect your desire for an open adoption.

Happy G'Ma

[SquabMommy]

Thanks for all your input!!

Unfortunately, I just feel its too late and we're too close to the family to back out of them now... they've already invested a TON of money with all the baby gear, she's already left her job and it would devastate them.. it makes it harder to back out because our family is really close with theirs and have been for many years.

The husband is very understanding to my plights but my problem lies more with the wife.

This is a private adoption and when we first met and started talking about our expectations of each other's roles in the twins' lives, we agreed to have correspondence every 6 months with pictures and updates. This has also been discussed with the attorney and he has it documented... does anyone know if this documentation and the statement about it in the adoption agreement would hold up in court in case they try to cut me out completely? Or is there nothing I can do after the paperwork is signed?

Is there a way that I can bring up my concerns to them before anything gets worse seeing as this is pretty much already set?

[thanksgivingmom]

Unless you live in a state that has legally enforceable OA's, the documentation means virtually nothing (at least that's how I've always understood it). There are many people here that have documentation - and have STILL sufferred from closed adoptions.

Unfortunately, I just feel its too late and we're too close to the family to back out of them now... they've already invested a TON of money with all the baby gear, she's already left her job and it would devastate them.. it makes it harder to back out because our family is really close with theirs and have been for many years.

This to me is just so coercive. If they want to adopt a child, they WILL be able to adopt a child and all the items they've purchased won't go to waste.

You need to look out for YOU (no one else is going to do this for you). Backing out of the placement might devastate THEM, but what is little to no contact going to do to you? Moreover, what's it going to do to your children?

If ever there was a time in your life to be selfish and to do something for you - THIS IS IT. You should not and can not make this decision worried about how it will affect them.

Please reconsider. Best wishes!

[cathi1992]

Hi there, I rarely come to the forum but I had to add my two cents. As an adoptive mom of two great kids I have to say please take a big step back from this family, at least for the moment. If this is not the right match for you and your babies the adoptive family will survive. We had a little guy with us for three weeks when he went back home to his first family. The situation was very different than yours but the reality was that it wasn't the right placement for this little guy and we survived the loss. These parents will survive if you step back and make another choice. I don't think you made this decision lightly but it is important enough for you to rethink it at this point.

If you feel that you really want to stay with this family then please find a someone to work through some mediation with you and them. Her hormones are making her a bit crazy (it is bizarre how our bodies work!) but it is not your responsibility to take care of her. She is likely terrrified that the placement will not happen but it is still not your responsibility to take care of her. She is has probably dreamed of the moment that she becomes a mother and feels like she has no control over any part of it so she is seeking to exhert her control and feel like a mom. That is great, it shows she will love them deeply, but again it is not up to you to give up your birthing plan, comfort, and time with them just to make her feel better.

Adoption is hard on all parties, it is not for the faint of heart, but I think that everyone involved needs to be careful not to step on the feelings of the other parties involved. We shouldn't have to walk on egg shells but simple respect needs to be given both ways. You may not need to leave the match but you do need to get an advocate that truly understands open adoption and the needs of both expecting parents and adoptive parents. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Catherine

[belleinblue1978]

Squabmom,

You need to RUN from this. I don't care what plans these people have made, YOU are in charge right now, YOU and only YOU.

I promise you, her neediness will only get worse. I've BTDT and when I decided I wasn't going to continue to be my child's mom's self esteem support system, it nearly destroyed what little bit of an OA we had.


They will recover from this and maybe learn something if you choose to match with another couple. At this point in time you and your children should be the only people you are worrying about. You owe nothing to this couple, nothing, in fact no one does.

BTW, I remember that last month of being pregnant... I was big as a house and had one jumper that fit me, I was SO sick of that thing when I finally gave birth.

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by SquabMommy

Thanks for all your input!!

Unfortunately, I just feel its too late and we're too close to the family to back out of them now... they've already invested a TON of money with all the baby gear, she's already left her job and it would devastate them.. it makes it harder to back out because our family is really close with theirs and have been for many years.

I agree with TGM on this. It is not too late to back out. Adoption is not about them or you. It is about your children. Baby gear and money does not make a good parent. I urge you to see a counselor and discuss what is best for your children in the long term. I can see why dissolving this match is extremely uncomfortable for you, but those are the tough decisions that we have to make for our children.

Originally Posted by SquabMommy

This has also been discussed with the attorney and he has it documented... does anyone know if this documentation and the statement about it in the adoption agreement would hold up in court in case they try to cut me out completely? Or is there nothing I can do after the paperwork is signed?

Open adoptions rarely hold up in court. Very few states have legally enforcable open adoptions. If the adoptive parents decide to close the adoption, they can for no reason. You say "the attorney". Is that their attorney or do you have an attorney as well to represent your rights?

I am so sorry if this causes you more stress, but I agree with bellein blue - ti is time to run away from this situation and find another couple who care about what is best for the children and not what is best for them.

Happy G'Ma

[feelingreyt]

SquabMommy,
As an adoptive mom, I have to say, Please, please, PLEASE DO NOT feel pressured to place your child with this family.
These children are yours until you TPR. Maybe this is the family for your twins, maybe it's not. So what if you've known them forever!
Talk to some angencies and look at profiles. You may find the PERFECT parents or may even decide to parent. Who knows, but please look into all your options.
As for this couple investing alot of money into this match, that is NOT your concern! Do NOT feel pressured to place your children with them.
Yes, it will be heartbreaking for them if you disrupt the match, but this is not about them. That may sound strange coming from an amom, but it's the truth. This is about YOU and YOUR children and what YOU think is best for them. This is the biggest decision of your life, of their lives, please take some time to make sure these are the rights parents for the twins.

[thanksgivingmom]

Also sqaub - just to step out of my commenting shoes and into Moderator shoes real quick - a.com is NOT a matching site and should anyone attempt to contact you re: adopting your twins please PM me or another one of the Mods.

[KLL08]

I'm also an amom and I have to say this sounds like a lot of red flags. I know that when you know the prospective adoptive parents it would be difficult to change your mind, but this is about you and your children right now. I can't believe some of the things that are coming out of her mouth! I can't see her following through on an OA, especially after what she said about the birthfather. I would have enjoyed sending our DD's birthfather updates, but he was long gone by the time we were matched and a part of me grieves for our DD because we can not tell her anything about him. I do not think an open adoption agreement will hold up in court in most states so you will not have options until your children turn 18 and I think that is something you should consider.

Just so you know...matches can occur very late in pregnancy and it be okay. We met and matched with our DD's firstmom when she was 7 1/2 months along and DD was born 2 weeks later. We are still very new to OA, but I think its going well. I say that to say, you don't have to be matched early in your pregnancy for a match to work. We had 2 failed matches before our DD was placed into our arms. Did it hurt when they failed? Yes, absolutely. Do I look back and think it led us straight to S? 100% I truly believe if we didn't have the failed matches we wouldn't have our DD and that is a terrifying thought to us, we were all meant to be a family and sometimes it is a painful road to get there, but completely worth it in the end. I think it would be good to check other families, see if you could have the OA you want for your children.

[bromanchik]

Squab, please call me. You are not obligated either morally or legally to place with them. If she is treating you this way now, how do you think she'll treat you when you have no rights? If she is overwhelmed now, how will she be trying to parent you're two babies? The babies are your family, they are your only concern. Trust me, she will have no concern for you once the babies are with her.

Call me and we can talk about what your options. I pm'd you.

[momraine]

Those babies are yours until after they are born and after you decide otherwise. The fact that she invested money in baby stuff was her decision, not yours. She will find another baby. She is not right for you. There are tons of parents who would love to adopt your babies and who would have more respect for you and your feelings and needs.
Oh and just for the record, it's against the rules here for anyone to offer to adopt your children through this site, so please report it to us if it happens. We are here to support you.