[lovemy2boys]

Welcome motivated!

First I want to tell you how extremely sorry I am that your daughter's parents haven't honored your OA agreement. For those of us who sincerely try to maintain the best relationship possible with our kids other moms and dads, that is very disheartening to hear.

I really don't think you will be able to retain guardianship of your daughter. If the adoption is legal and binding, then it won't be overturned.

However, if you have an OA agreement and you are in a state that honors them, then you are entitled to the pictures/letters/etc. that you agreed upon.

If you don't mind my asking, was this a relative adoption? I ask because you say that your sister maintains a relationship with your daughter's parents...

I know someone else will be along to help...and I'm certain they will be much more eloquent than I.

Please stick around...it's a great place to come for support!

[MOTIVATEDMOMMY]

i understand were u are comming from thanx. and no my daughter got adopted by another family but for some odd reason my sister has all the rights of visitation,letters, emails,pictures, and even goes on vacation with them that is why i feel this is wrong i do not get along with my sister and she can not have kids so she has found a way to keep contact with my daughter . i know there is something i can do about this because they have wrote in past letters that they want my daughter to know nothing about her past life but my sister is involved completely..

[athikers]

Before I talk about my situation...

Motivated, is open adoption legally binding in your state? If it is, you can go to family court and the visitation terms and such will be discussed, they are required by law to follow through in states where OA is legally binding. Please do this! Not all states have this option, but look into it. It will not, unless there was a MAJOR MAJOR mistake during the adoption proceedings, overturn the adoption under most any circumstance, but it will get you the visits you were promised.

On to our story...

Our daughter was our foster child from 4 months until 21 months when we adopted her. We have an open adoption with her parents, which is strange in foster-adoption circles. Her parents did voluntarily terminate their rights, knowing they would be involuntarily terminated regardless. So far, its going okay. Dad is out of the picture already (its been only 9 months since her adoption). Mom has been in and out... but I told her she's either in or out and gave her one more chance. We shall see. She does really well with visits for the most part, but we are still working on some boundary issues. I hope it will all work out for my daughter's sake. I wish dad had stayed in the picture, but I won't have either of them coming and going out of my daughter's life at their leisure, she does not need that. I'm still hoping dad might be willing to stay in contact via letters, which is hard for him because his literacy is fairly limited. Anyway, for now I would consider my daughter's OA a success as far as foster-adoption OA's go. It will never be a close knit relationship... for reasons I can't go into. But, I want my daughter to know her birthparents on some level.

Our son was a straight adoptive placement from the foster care system at 2 years old. He has severe life-long disabilities as a result of his birthparents bad choices. That said, we still have a semi-open adoption with them. What it came down to for us was that they expressed remorse and clearly love their son in their own way. We are sending pictures and updates yearly... he has multiple siblings still with his parents, so our hope is that if he can ever understand adoption, he will have the option to get to know his sibs and parents if he chooses.

Most people think we are nuts for having any contact at all with them, but so far it has been positive!

[MOTIVATEDMOMMY]

I WILL TALK TO MY LAWYER ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THIS WHOLE BINDING OPTION. THIS WHOLE ADOPTION SITUATION IS SO CONFUSING AND VERY AGRIVATING BUT I HAVE BEEN STAYING VERY PATIENT.


ON THE OTHERF HAND I DO NOT THINK IT IS WRONG OF U TO WANT TO KEERP CONTACT WITH UR CHILDS BIRTH PARENTS. BUT WHAT UPSETS ME IS HOW LIFE IS. WHEN A PERSON HAS THE OPTION TO STILL SEE THERE KIDS THEY RUIN IT NOT KNOWING HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR A CHILD TO KNOW THE BIRTH PARENTS. AS FOR A PARENT WITH MY SITUATION I AM HERE WAITING FOR THE DAY I CAN SEE MY CHILD THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS DON'T WANT ME TOO. LIFE IS ALWAYS THIS WAY.BUT I GIVE U AN APPLAUSE BECAUSE YOU ARE AWSOME IN MY EYES. BUT IF THE BIRTH PARENTS WANT TO BE IN AND OUT IT IS TRAMATIZING TO THE CHILDREN....

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

YIKES! I didn't realize that you sent her a follow up after she sent the pics...I hope you hear from her. (Crossing my fingers for you).

I figured it couldn't hurt.....just wrote to say how much the pics mean to me, how stories about Cupcake are so wonderful (hint, hint, nudge, nudge), and all that.

I'll write again in Sept and ask for a visit I guess.....that'll be about six months so, we'll see.

[feelingreyt]

TGM,
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you hear from Dee soon.

I'm also hoping to hear from J soon. I sent her a letter/update a couple of weeks ago.

Motivated,
Welcome to the forums.
First off I want to say that I'm sorry that your OA is not being honored.
I have to ask, is there any reason why they would keep contact with your sister, but not you? I know that there are some legit reasons why aparents close adoptions. Of course, there are some that get closed without good cause.
Also, I seriously doubt you would gain custody of your child based on what you have described. It is VERY difficult to get an adoption overturned, especially after 6 long years.
I hope that all works out for the best of the child.

[KLL08]

TGM,
I hope you hear from Dee soon. I can definately see your frustration with the "update" she sent.

Motivated: I'm sorry that your open adoption agreement hasn't been followed. I highly doubt any judge would overturn an adoption based solely on that though. Have you tried to talk to your sister to see if perhaps you could repair your relationship with her in hopes that she could speak on your behalf to the aparents? Just a thought.

As for us we are just getting ready for S's 9 month pictures and trying to get an update letter ready for A. I always struggle between writing to little and too much. But after reading this thread for a while, it doesn't sound like I can really say too much. And S is doing so many new things right now I think this letter will be fun to write and hopefully for her to read too.

[thanksgivingmom]

I'd say you DEFINITELY can't write too much!!! I mean, think about if YOU were only getting an update about your daughter - could there be TOO much?

I think sometimes (and I don't mean YOU by ANY means) parents think that because we're not the all day everyday Moms that for some reason we wouldn't want all the details you would (does that make sense? I'm pretty sure it doesn't....but I don't know another way to say it....)

Anyway - write away!!!!! The more the better!!!

[lahdh4]

So true. Too much never hurt. It is always when there is nothing reported that hurts the most.
good luck to you

[greenbottles]

Hello everyone, I have not long finished this book and wanted to share it with you because I know there is very little out there inrelation to open adoption and adoptees experience of growing up in it. Anyways, the author of the book Anya Peters grew up in an unofficial open adoption during the 1970s/1980s. She was raised by her aunt and uncle and always had contact with her first parents. Although it's a sad, sad story because she suffered abuse from her uncle, it's still interesting inrelation to her emotions and feelings about her first parents. I think it's worth a read.

The book is Abandoned by Anya Peters. She has a blog wanderingscribe.blogspot.com.

lol

[KLL08]

Thanks ladies! I love sending our birthmom long updates, I just usually worry I may upset her by saying too much. So I get what you were trying to say TGM. I guess I am a bit guilty of that line of thinking. And I do try to tell her all the new things she is doing, saying and eating, any cute new faces or words she is saying. I guess I just worry that it's upsetting because she isn't getting to see her do the new things. I continue to ask her if she wants a visit, but so far she hasn't asked for one. I am going to invite her to our DD's 1st bday party with the family as well as a dinner on her actual birthday and just leave it in her hands. I'm also working on a bound book with some of our favorite pictures the year for her, which I am very excited to give her but also to get a copy for DD to have too. I've made a box with all the update letters and now the photo book!

[Suziebearhugs]

We had another wonderful visit with my dd's birthfamily. We invited them to a party we were having and all of them came (birthmom,husband,birthsister, grandma, grandpa and aunt). They seemed to blend in a little better than other times rather than staying to their own circle. So that was very nice.

Also found out that birthmom's dd got approved to go into a nearby school, after just 3 days of living with her grandma. So she is back home with her birthmom and they are all happy.

[Suziebearhugs]

KLL08,

I feel the same way sometimes. I could go on and on about my dd and ds. But I do worry at times that sharing too much may seem like bragging or might be hurtful in some way.

For example. For the first time EVER. I made a comment to my dd's birthfamily "how dd was just like me, because_____" and as soon as I started saying it, and ever since I feel like I should have just put my foot in my mouth and shut up. As soon as I said those first words I saw her birthmom cringe (maybe it was my imagination, but she looked annoyed and like she was impatiently waiting for what I was about to say).

In some ways I feel like that was a major breakthrough for me, seeing that I never make those connections to myself, instead I always speak of those connections she has with her birthfamily and it feels good to see those ways in which she is like me. But, it felt so wrong to actually say it out loud. I know it shouldn't. But it did. (felt right for my daughter to hear, but wrong for her birthfamily to hear).

[SquabMommy]

This is my first time at Adoption.com but I'm glad I found the site... I'm in serious need of advice!!

I'm pregnant with twins and decided when I was about 4 months along that I was going to adopt out as I already have an 18 month old and am a single parent. I chose my family who happen to be family of some very close friends. However, now that it's getting close to the end of my pregnancy (I have 6 weeks left at most), the mother whose adopting the twins is getting more and more on my nerves. I feel like she's being very selfish and not very understanding to my needs and feelings. I understand that she's waited a long time to be a parent and that she wants the attention, but I'm growing impatient with her. Everytime she calls to talk, its about her and how she's feeling and how overwhelmed she is. But its aggravating because everytime she calls it depresses me and reminds me that soon I'm going to have to give away my babies. She got upset when my OBGYN told her that only me and one other person could be in room with me, and had the audacity (in my opinion) to ask MY doctor, if SHE should go on maternity leave and how far in advance from my due date she should consider quitting her job.


On top of all this, she makes comments on how I'm always in the same outfits and why don't I go out and buy new clothes and shoes because mine look like they're falling apart. (Keep in mind she is wealthy and I'm a single parent without childsupport.. plus when you're nearing the end of your pregnancy- NOTHING fits and whats the point of spending tons of money for clothes that'll be too big in a month?) She made a face of disgust when her husband suggested I be invited to her baby shower and has begun making comments about how she has no intention on sending the birth father any information on the twins because since he signed away his rights, he has no legal leg to stand on and she has no obligation therefore to send him correspondence. This makes me worried she'll do the same to me even though we've decided on an open adoption....

But whats started hurting the most is that when the location of the twins after birth came up. The hospital I use is very adamant on placing newborns in the rooms with the birth mothers for obvious reasons. And unless they go to NICU, they will be staying in my room with me. But when I told her this news, she got almost defensive and told me "well... but I have no plans on going into your room. So how am I supposed to feed them? And when visiting hours are over and they kick me out, who will feed them at night???!" She doesn't believe me that the hospital already knows the adoption is in place and it is up to the discretion of the birth parent whether to make anyone leave her room after visiting hours. And if she has no plans of coming to my room... does this mean she's expecting I will get no contact with my babies from birth to them leaving?? I think not..

Am I being too selfish and critical about the situation?? Sometimes I feel like I'm too harsh but in all, I've started to feel taken advantage of and like I'm more of an incubator with legs than a human being with emotions and feelings. Should I talk to her about my concerns and if so... how do you go about something like that without accusing or making myself out to be a bad guy? I want to keep things as cordial as I can but I'm getting fed up with her attitude.

PLEASE HELP!!!

[happygmom]

Hi SquabMommy,

Are you seeing a counselor who is knowledgeable about adoption, especially open adoption? Hopefully, some parents who have been through this experience can give you an idea of whether or not your interactions with the family right now are the norm for your situation.

In my opinion, I see red flags all over for an open adoption. If you feel that this family is not respecting you now, I strongly suspect it will be worse after you relinquish. How are you and the adoptive family defining open adoption?

Wishing you the best.

Happy G'Ma