[Vogi2002]

Leigh - ALLOW yourself to be angry (not that you have any choice probably), because you have a right to be, and you need to allow yourself to go through the stages, as I'm sure this is very traumatic for you.

Have you written them back demanding for more explanation? I would write back and ask them to attend a mediator / counseling session with you (without supergirl of course). Don't allow this to be easy for them, challenge them & what they are saying, ask for specifics, ask them to talk to you, tell them that there are more ways that you can "cut back" before making the drastic decision to just CLOSE. I would be respectful, reinforcing the fact that THEY are the parents (okay I almost gagged when I wrote that, but THEY need to hear this from you, and sadly your only choice may be to stroke thier ego / confidence). Can you contact the agency you placed her with? Can they help you at all?

ASK them what YOU did, ask them why they are going to such extremes without trying many things in between this. How old is she? I don't know...even if my little boy / girl said they didn't want to visit thier bparents I would dig down with them, ask them why...it might be the fact that she DOES miss you & it's hard to see you go. That doesn't mean to STOP visits!! That would call for MORE visits, or for you to talk to her IMO!!

((((((huge hugs again)))))))

Sorry I'm just throwing things out there that might help you....

I'm so angry for you. How could they do this to you? No, most importantly how could they do this to thier CHILD!?! HOW!? Open adoption is for HER benefit....we as aparents have to deal ourselves with our emotions, not make our children pay for our selfishness (and believe me we all have selfish thoughts every now and then).

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by Suziebearhugs

Maybe you can write them (not asking for visits) just asking them what their concerns were, how your DD was acting differently and if it was because of anything you did or said(not saying it is).

I hope you all can work this out.

This is where it came from.
JP it wasn't you.

[Vogi2002]

Leigh - I actually think this might be a good idea, again, not because you DID anything, but more so because you are MAKING them tell you what EXACTLY it is that you did (calling out any bs). How all of this is supposably YOUR fault. (thick sarcasm here by the way) How closing this adoption FOR GOOD is supposed to do any good!?! IF your daughter WAS having a hard time, it was probably after you left, and if that is the case they need to just give her some time to process it. We have all been little girls.....we know how fickle we can all be (and how many of times it is due to deep emotion, something that has probably nothing to do with her NOT wanting to see you).

Again...sadly and disgustingly you might have to stroke thier confidence as her parents. YUCK. Yeah...it might take you a while and a few buckets of puke to get you through that.

****p.s. I might be WAAAY off base here too. Just take everything I say & keep what applies then throw out the rest!

((((i just want to hug you again))))

((((nope better than that I'm going to give you this punching bag))) (see below)


((((())))))

okay so the above might be a pathetic attmept at a textual punching bag...but you get the point!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

This is where it came from.

The part in parenthesis being very important because the poster wants you to know that SHE doesn't think you've done anything wrong, but like Vogi, she thinks you may want to ask them what THEY think you have done wrong just so that you get some answers that you very much deserve.

Kim

[lahdh4]

I cannot handle any type of mediation at the moment. E knows this as we talked about it some before and again yesterday. We are going to talk more in 2 weeks when I see her again and she is going to think of some things to run by me and see what I think.


"Again...sadly and disgustingly you might have to stroke thier confidence as her parents. YUCK. Yeah...it might take you a while and a few buckets of puke to get you through that." Vogi, glad I swallowed my iced tea before I read this and your punching bag.

[thanksgivingmom]

Sometimes it just gets SO HARD to constantly stroke the ego of your kid's Mom (or parents in others situations). To feel like you have to repeatedly tell them what a great job they're doing or that you won't get a visit or an update. To have to always be careful of every. single. word. you write or say because they have the ultimate carrot on the stick - access to your child.

The sad fact of the matter is that aparents will always have a reason to close or limit an adoptions openness. It won't always be valid to all of us, but they can always claim, "Best interest of the child" and who is to question that?

Certainly not firstparents. We're reminded that we don't know our children and that we don't know what's best for them (of course we did when we placed them with you...)

It frustrates me that Leigh should be expected to ask what she possibly (allegedly) did in the first place. That Supergirl's parents can't be adult enough to explain the "why's" of this decision more clearly.

Please know that this isn't pointed at any of the adoptive parents posting here - or at anything you've said really. It's just that sometimes it becomes TOO MUCH to hear what you've allegedly done wrong...it takes me back to when my first visit kept getting pushed back and back and back. It's always something we did....whether it REALLY is or not, you know? It's a lot to have put on you.

Leigh, I completely understand how you wouldn't be ready for mediation right now. You have to take care of yourself as well, or else you'll be no good to Supergirl.

Love you.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

It frustrates me that Leigh should be expected to ask what she possibly (allegedly) did in the first place. That Supergirl's parents can't be adult enough to explain the "why's" of this decision more clearly.

Please know that this isn't pointed at any of the adoptive parents posting here - or at anything you've said really. It's just that sometimes it becomes TOO MUCH to hear what you've allegedly done wrong...it takes me back to when my first visit kept getting pushed back and back and back. It's always something we did....whether it REALLY is or not, you know? It's a lot to have put on you.

Thank TM for that explanation. I think I understand a little better now.

Please know, Leigh, that no one "expects" you to ask. And TM is correct in that all explanations for their actions should have been given when you were told what their decision was. It was only suggested, I believe, so that you could defend yourself from whatever trangression they believe has been made (if any.....because who knows why they decided what they did) and maybe make things right. It is not always your job to make things right though and TM's post made me understand how it could feel that way. That it all rests on your shoulders and is alot to bear.

Until OAs are made legally enforceable there is always going to be so much pain for birthmothers and their children and even for aparents whose children's birthparents don't keep up their end of the agreement either. What do we do?

[Suziebearhugs]

Leigh,

I'm so sorry I caused you more pain. I never meant to imply that you had done ANYTHING wrong. I'm sorry if I have caused you more pain. That wasn't my intent.

I think what the adoptive parents have done is cruel and it's sad they would treat you in such a way.

[thanksgivingmom]

Phew, I'm glad what I wrote came across the way I intended!!!

I agree though surrounded....legally enforceable open adoption agreements would prevent all of this grief, and would protect all parties, especially the child.

As for "what do we do?"

I play the game. I've figured out the rules as best as I can and I adhere to them. I say what I'm supposed to say work on developing the relationship with Cupcake's Mom so that hopefully one day it won't feel like that. For me, there are no other choices at this point.

The thing is, I'm only at this point. I'm only 20 months into this. I can't say how I will feel/react when I'm four years into it as Leigh is. I can't say when it will be too much to take the blame for the sake of everyone else. I will not close the adoption, no matter how painful it could ever become, BUT I do believe that it's also my responsibility to take care of myself so that I'll be my best for Cupcake.

[belleinblue1978]

I can say that four years into it, I'm tired of stroking egos and I'm tired of them not understanding a darn thing about me.

They are adults, they have been parenting kiddofor four years now, if they think they STILL can't do it, then why do I need to continually tell them that they can? I'm not doing that til the kid is 18, they need to find some confidence on their own. Just like we always say adoptive parents can't fix firstparent pain, and shouldn't take it on as their own, I can't fix this confidence issue and WON'T take it on as my own, Leight shouldn't need to either.

Leigh, I'm SO sorry this is happening to you, I think there are so many of us that wish we could come swoop in and just fix things for you.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

They are adults, they have been parenting kiddofor four years now, if they think they STILL can't do it, then why do I need to continually tell them that they can? I'm not doing that til the kid is 18, they need to find some confidence on their own. Just like we always say adoptive parents can't fix firstparent pain, and shouldn't take it on as their own, I can't fix this confidence issue and WON'T take it on as my own, Leight shouldn't need to either.

I so agree with you. I wish there was an easy solution to fix this. I wish we could all just do our part for the children. I will never understand how aparents can ask so much of a first parent...they have thier own grief & emotions to come to terms with every day.

I totally understand also about the mediation. You need to focus on YOU right now, be gentle with yourself. You are a FABULOUS human being, and a great mother. Don't let them make you doubt that. Your daughter DOES love you. She will ALWAYS have a place in her heart for you...



***I never meant to say that it was her job to give them confidence. At all. I just know that in my situation (reversed, but some what similar...well very slightly) I think it has helped. If there is a slight chance it can mean my son will have connection to his roots, I will do it. Desparation? Maybe.



(((((()))))) You know what to do.


P.s. Iced tea is gross girl, unless of course you forgot to mention the verbs "Long Island" in the front. I forgot I was in Texas. I might just get shot for saying anything negative about Tea.

[kakuehl]

Ya Know... I'm being to be very greatful for my very closed adoption. Seriously, I don't know which is harder emotionally on birth/first moms. Part of the difficulty is that adoptions are so emotionally charged for all involved. Leigh, I have no words of wisdom for you (I still haven't found that magic wand of mine); I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

[thanksgivingmom]

Vogi, I know you didn't mean that it was her job to give Supergirls parents confidence. I just know that sometimes that's how it feels to me - or not that it's my job, but just that everything will be easier if I do that. Like you, if it means that it keeps my adoption open, I will do it. Desperation? Maybe. Just like you....and for now, I'm still okay with it. I'll do it. This whole thing has just got me wondering, how long CAN I do it?

PS Iced tea IS gross! I'm glad I'm not alone!! Also delicious however is the Long Beach iced tea...done just like a Long Island but instead of coke at the end you put in cranberry juice. Yummy But other than that, it's exactly the same with the liquors and stuff!

[Mommy24]

Leigh~ Just dropping in to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying that they will see the err of their ways

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

I

***I never meant to say that it was her job to give them confidence. At all. I just know that in my situation (reversed, but some what similar...well very slightly) I think it has helped. If there is a slight chance it can mean my son will have connection to his roots, I will do it. Desparation? Maybe.



(((((()))))) You know what to do.


P.s. Iced tea is gross girl, unless of course you forgot to mention the verbs "Long Island" in the front. I forgot I was in Texas. I might just get shot for saying anything negative about Tea.

Vogi,

It's all good, I didn't really think you meant that, I was just speaking from my position, which in my adoption is tenuous and wow, as some others here can attest, my kiddo's aparents, although nice, sometimes don't get emotions.

BTW, Georgia Peach, are the words that should come in front of tea, lol.