[SchmennaLeigh]

If one party says, "I'll e-mail you back when I figure out how I feel," what is an acceptable amount of time allowed to pass before it becomes unacceptable?

[BrandyHagz]

It shouldn't be more than a few days, I would think. Maybe more, if there is some other communication which indicates more time is needed.

Leaving someone hanging is the WORST!

[HappyTwinsMom]

Oh my gosh, I would think no more than a few days to a week. More than that is just RUDE! Or the person is really stupid and can't figure out how they feel? LOL!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Figured.

I quit.

[bromanchik]

Wow... what happened?

[Oceans]

Jenna - If you had asked me that back in April, my answer would have been soooooo different. I reached out to my son and didn't hear anything back for 20 days - 19 days actually depending on how you do the math... It felt like a lifetime...

I have since responded to him (that took two days) but I have heard nothing back for 2 weeks. In a way, I’m relieved because I know he is "thinking about it" vrs and out and out "no"... So this time around I’m extremely patient.

In my case... I better understand the whole "thinking about it” concept b/c I really did take him by surprise. That said, 3 weeks ago, I thought it was very rude not to have heard back within the week... If only to tell me he was considering it... So I’m waffling a bit…

On paper 1-2 days is best, a week is appropriate…

In real life… hard to say. But the wait is flipping HARD!!!!!

((( Hugs ))) Sending you good thoughts on whatever you are waiting for....

ETA: I just noticed the forum I was in... It's probably completely different with aparents and bparents... Sorry for not noticing.

[DianeS]

I don't know if we get to put a time limit on someone else's feelings, or on the amount of time someone else takes before figuring out those feelings. A tremendous amount of damage can be done when we expect other people to conform to our timelines when feelings are involved.

We can, however, use normal society rules to determine when the person has crossed the line into being rude and being inconsiderate of our feelings, when we intend to just give them space to consider their own. And once we have determined that the other party is being rude and inconsiderate, our own actions can justifyably be different.

A person intending to be polite would contact you and say that they haven't figured *it* out yet, but wanted them to know they were still working on it and would get back to you by a certain date.

But a person intending to be rude would leave you hanging to the point that neither of you are actually "figuring out" feelings about the original issue anymore, but rather trying to figure out what the other party is thinking or doing.

If someone is being intentionally rude to you, you may need to take steps to protect yourself. Controlling your thinking so you don't dwell on the issue is one way. Keeping contact with the other party to a minimum is another. And of course contacting your friends for support.

I know that's way more than you asked for, I hope you find some of it useful.

[browneyes0707]

I'm going to assume we are talking something deeper than "I'll e-mail you back when I know how I feel about going to the Bon Jovi concert this summer".....

OK, I tried

From experience, I give it two weeks before I get po'ed. My personal situation dictates that I will hear from DD's a-mom immediately (within 24 hours) or not at all. But I TRY not to subscribe to that black and white thinking. You know, I get you might need a few days to get your head together, then life takes over with it's insanity and you want to respond in an unrushed environment in a thoughtful and thorough way. But if you haven't found time in 14 days to process how you feel and then communicate that, then it's unacceptable.

I have been waiting almost 3 months for my daughter's a-mom to tell me things she wanted to explain to me about unresolved issues, 2 months since she blew off a phone conversation she promised to reschedule. I have not heard from her since then

So I get the frustration

[kelceesmom]

I don't think I can put a time limit on it. Something simple maybe a week. Something compex not sure.

[thanksgivingmom]

When Cupcake's Mom asked me some pretty hard hitting questions about her bdad and stuff, I responded with something similar to, "This is really hard for me to talk about so I'm going to have to take some time before I respond, I hope you'll understand."

Then I'm pretty sure it took near two weeks. I had to take the time that I needed before I said something I would regret. I felt bad taking so long but it just wasn't something that I was really ready for and came out of the blue for me.

I try to respond in a much shorter time period, that was just a real hot button issue for me.

I hope that you hear a response soon and that everything is okay. (((((hugs)))))

[HappyTwinsMom]

Oh, Jenna, I'm sorry - sounds like something is not getting resolved. I would say if the person needs more time than a week or so, it would only be kind and respectful to e-mail and say "I'm still mulling it over; give me a little more time." I do hope you get a response soon.

(((hugs)))

[Hadley2]

If you asked somebody out on a date, then an answer by Thursday night would be good, and, yes, if somebody failed to answer in a week or so to a future date or plan, that could be rude.

But given the context of this forum, I'd guess we are not talking about a social inquiry. So I don't think social norms such as "polite" or "rude" necessarily apply. Certainly, I would never apply them in our situation--it is just the wrong context.

So, at least for us, I really think it depends on what is being asked. I think the number of times people are deliberately "rude" or hurtful in these relationships are actually rare. I think more often the other party has misunderstood the question in the first place or has greater difficulty with what we are asking than we realize. Sometimes they think they must give an absolute or black-and-white answer when there just isn't one--the answer may be, "let's see what happens" or something similar but they don't realize that that would be OK.

Personally, when I am feeling that I have been treated "rudely," even when it is, in a sense, deliberately hurtful because the other person is striking out, it is usually because I so very much want the other person to respond when maybe they need not to or just simply aren't capable--my frustration translates into a perception of their wrongdoing. When I feel that way, I try to back up and see it differently.

I also know that in the reverse situation, I sometimes receive a question that I don't expect or know what to do with as an attack or a hostile demand or an attempt at manipulation or a revelation of my personal failure to know my own mind. Sometimes those are unfair reactions on my part, rooted in the basic truth that whatever the question is, I just don't want to or can't deal with it at the time.

Where so many of us are dealing with life-turning questions in these relationships, when even the choice of whether to respond to a certain question at all, let alone what that response should be, can be life-turning for the other person in ways we just don't even see, the concept of "polite" and "rude" or the perception of rude intent would often be misplaced, I think. In our case, thinking and processing different things on both sides can and has taken months and back-and-forth communication during that time is not always helpful. We are working on a reply to something now that is nine months in and will probably be a year before a definite and clear reply can start. There has been some back and forth, but it has been very, very careful, at least on our side.

For us, sometimes it is just hands off and stand back for awhile. It helps me to remember that it is never over until it is over. And that sometimes the sauce just needs to simmer. And, finally, that the other party may never be able to give what we're looking for--that in the end, we may have to find a way to fulfill certain needs without them. That last thought is like an insurance policy, helping to take the urgency off my wants and temper my expectations to realistic proportions.

It's hard, and I know I've often been tempted to say--and probably have said--"I quit," too. Lately, I've been happier thinking, "I'll let it be." Sometimes what it becomes can be surprising and wonderful. Sometimes there is no more than my own peace of mind. Either way, "let it be" feels better to me than "I quit."

[lahdh4]

I would say a week.

(((Jenna)))

[taramayrn]

I would think no longer than a week without a reply saying "I'm still thinking, etc but will get back to you" but that's just me. I hope everything's okay Jenna. ((((HUGS))))

[Hadley2]

I'm not sure I understand how it helps either party for anyone to draw a timeline and say, "if the other crosses this line, then I will (or "you should") choose to decide their intent is to disrespect me and I will choose to be hurt, offended, or defeated by that," instead of something more like, "I really wish they would respond and I am sorry they have not but I will let that be and simply go on with my business."

Maybe the other party is being deliberately rude or hurtful and maybe they have their own reasons for that that they may or may not eventually get over. Maybe what seemed like a simple question to the op hit them differently in a very startling or off-putting way. Maybe they are just confused. Maybe a lot of things. I have found in our case that if I let that be for the moment, then later, when/if the other person is ready to re-engage, it is much easier to go forward.

That doesn't mean being a doormat, not at all. There are times when one has to stand up for oneself or walk away. I just don't see the point of filling up what is essentially a void with the kind of negativity that just makes it harder to manage the relationship in a way that doesn't hurt ourselves with toxic feelings based on unknowns.

Because no matter who does what and even if we don't engage with each other for the next 50 years, that is still a relationship and it still has some kind of impact on our own lives. More often, though, at least in my experience, things are always changing and evolving so it just doesn't make sense to slam any doors.

I'd also like to say that in these couple of posts, I am as much reminding myself of what I think in calmer moments and how I want to be and need to be for my own sanity, that is, supporting myself, as I am trying to be helpfully supportive of the op.