[SchmennaLeigh]

Preface: This is a heated topic for some families. If you vehemently don't agree with recognizing your child's birth father on father's day (or mother on mother's day), please say so respectfully and don't instigate fights.

THAT said, I've written a post asking various triad members to speak up about father's day and biological fathers. It's the adoptive parents turn to speak up on the forums.

From the blog post:

Are you an adoptive parent? Do you acknowledge your child's biological father on Father's Day? If not, do you acknowledge your child's birth mother on Mother's Day? We so often see families celebrating the (adopted) child's "two mothers" but we don't often see a celebration of two fathers. There are certain reasons for this but I'm wondering if it isn't a bit of gender bias as well. Your thoughts?

Feel free to elaborate. (And yes, I'm writing about how biological parents can and should honor adoptive fathers. Don't worry.)

[kelceesmom]

Jenna,

Kelcee's bparents are together, at least they were when Kelcee was born.

Unfortunately we do not have contact with them, per their choice. She was a secret and both families do not know about her. That in itself saddens me as we would love to have contact with them.

That said too, if we were to have contact would recognize them both on such important days. You bet we would. They deserve to be recognized for their part in Kelcee's life.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Thanks Denice. Random question just for you: while they've spent this time "out" of your daughter's life, if that was to change and they decided to come "back in" and be involved (boundaries set and what not), would you honor them on the respective days?

My brain is on overdrive. lol

[kelceesmom]

Jenna,
I really believe I would. They could have made a totally different decision when they found out they were pregnant. Thank God they didn't.

They also 4 other children between them that they parent. We don't live real close so I suppose I couldn't do much but if only a card was to be sent to them to wish them a wonderful day as it is their day too celebrate.

[loveajax]

Without getting into a novel (as I usually do), suffice it to say that DD's birth mom and I do all the "work" in terms of maintaining a relationship between our families. So in the past, I never thought about sending DD's birth dad a father's day card. I also have to say that my husband is, I don't know, FIERCELY protective of his "role" as Dad, so I didn't want to step on his toes.

Well, at our most recent visit, DD's birth dad and I just totally had the best time. He really is awesome and I said to DH, "I want to send DD's birth dad a card and gift card this year for Father's Day." And DH said, "Yes, of course!" (whew!). So I am planning to do that next week.

I have to say that I think it is "easier" for me to acknowledge Mother's and Father's Days because they parent other children. I think I would do so anyway, but I just throw that out there...

[SchmennaLeigh]

Interesting point, loveajax. Thanks for your story! :0

[timni]

we have tried to make contact w/ the birth father, but he has never responded. We have a GREAT relationship with dd bmom and extended family. It a little sad, but it does make life easier for us.... that sounds horrible, but since they (bmom, bdad) don't even talk anymore I don't have to be in the middle of it.

[HappyTwinsMom]

We don't have any information about the girls' birthfather. Their birthmom told me his name at one point, but I can't remember it. He was a "one-night stand" and was not involved with their birthmom or the pregnancy.

[Leigh131313]

No. We do not acknowledge birthparents on either day.


I did send a happy Mother's Day message to T on facebook - as I did with all my friends, not because she is M's birthmom. She had her baby just a few days before Mother's day this year.

[mommamarci]

I sent cards this year to both boys bmoms for Mother's Day. I have not, nor do I plan to, acknowledge Father's Day. Both boys were born in a state where the mom is not required to name a father. So, neither did and both were terminated via the registry. Cameron's parents are married, so I could, but he asked not to be named and wanted no contact whatsoever. I don't even know his last name. Everything is sent to mom with her maiden name.

If we one day have a father that is involved, he would get a card as the mothers that are involved get for Mother's day. (Possibly more than a card if the relationship was at that point. None are at this time.)

Hope that helps.

[musemoon]

My kiddo's father could be one of two men and both wanted nothing to do with her. We also don't have contact with her birthmom because, my kiddo was removed by the state and the birthmom has never stopped taking drugs, so no. BUT....

I am entering another foster/adoption soon and I do want to remain congnizant of the birth parents and the potential to keep them in our lives.

I think when it comes to foster adoptions the fathers are given very few options. They are told, "raise the child", "have a relative raise the child" or "surrender your rights". Sadly most on are notice and are notified of the terminiation of rights by newspaper ads in random newspapers.

[Stormster]

Hi, I'm really torn about mothers day because I think it is for a child to honor his mother (s) not for me to do it but this year she was so hurt I decided that in the future for sure I will send a card (I send cards and gifts on her bday, xmas and will on his bdays).

So that makes me doubly torn about MY sending a card on DS's behalf (since that is what I think the holiday is about) when he has denied to anyone but us and DS's birthmother that he is the father. He lives with his parents who are still being told he's NOT the father, that he was just helping out a friend who was pregnant....

So it's hard to send him things without getting into a messy family situation.

PS DH doesn't give me a mothers day card from our son....when he's old enough to make me a card etc. if he wants to he can for me and for his birth mother. And I pray by then his birthfather is more accessible because he's really a great guy in most respects! He certainly loves E.

[mom2justynsarah]

1. A male person whose sperm unites with an egg, resulting in the conception of a child.
2. A man who adopts a child.
3. A man who raises a child

Although "C", is my daughter's biological father, I do not "recognize" him on father's day. This is a day that the men who are actively involved in my daughter's life and who love and adore her (daddy, poppy, uncle) get honored. I tend to think of "C" more of a sperm donor than anything else. That being said, I have emotional connection with Dee. So I do recognize her on mother's day as being Sarah's first mother.

Do you recognize your daughter's bio father on father's day?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Yes, I do. He's not currently involved but his emotions are complex and they are his own. I won't speak for him more than to say he is heartbroken.

[ocracoke]

I did an international adoption so my recognition and involvement with the bio family is very different then those who have done domestic adoptions. I do not celebrate father's day for her bio dad. However, I do have more of a connection with her bio dad then with her bio mom. Her bio mom died just prior to placement for adoption so I have no connection with her. I do believe her bio mom loved her immensely so I talk about her fondly with my daughter. However, I am trying to connect with bio dad as he is the one that made the decision to relinquish. And as a single mom, my daughter has no adoptive dad so the only dad she will ever have is a bio dad.

As an adult adoptee I do not celebrate my bio parents on mother's and father's days -- and never did. They are both dead now but for me those days are reserved for my adoptive parents. But that has more to do with the relationships then biology.

Samantha