[taramayrn]

Hi Jenna - thanks for starting this really interesting discussion.

I don't think there are any right answers, so to speak, just what's right for that specific family.

Our son's family does not acknowledge either myself or bdad on any holiday except Christmas. We get a very small keepsake gift then.

[loveajax]

OK, I lied...

So I told DH last night, "I have to pick up a gift card for DD's birth dad. I'm so behind the 8 ball." DH says, "I don't think you should send him anything." I said, "what? what about our conversation after the visit?" Dh says, "I never said that." (believe me, I know exactly what he said). I said, "well, how about we just send an ecard at least." DH, "I don't think that is a good idea, but I know you, and you will just do what you want anyway."

I am really, really annoyed with DH. I'm not sure what the heck to do. I mean to me this is HIS day and I don't want to upset him, but I just think it's so rude. ACK!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Preface: This is a heated topic for some families. If you vehemently don't agree with recognizing your child's birth father on father's day (or mother on mother's day), please say so respectfully and don't instigate fights.

THAT said, I've written a post asking various triad members to speak up about father's day and biological fathers. It's the adoptive parents turn to speak up on the forums.

From the blog post:



Feel free to elaborate. (And yes, I'm writing about how biological parents can and should honor adoptive fathers. Don't worry.)

We don't. One is unknown. The other walked away and we don't know where he is.

[thanksgivingmom]

Aw Love, I'm sorry that this has all of a sudden created tension! (Especially when you were so pleased at what you had previously discussed!) (((((hugs)))))

[kakuehl]

Jenna, I just realized that I've sent S a mother's Day card in the past, but I've not sent one to R for father's Day. I'm not sure why, except that I was working hard to let S know I consider her D's mom. R and I have a different molre comfortable relationship, maybe because we are colleagues as well. I love to watch D's dad with the grandkids. I think I need to send him an Ecard, lol. D's birth dad is dead so he couldn't send him anything if he wanted to.

[portlowski]

Last year, my son's firstparents were still together. I spent the Saturday before MOther's day with my son and his bmom. My husband and son spent the Saturday before Father's day with my son's bdad.

This year, they are broken up and bdad rarely responds to our e-mails. I sent him one 2 days ago asking if he wants a visit, if he still wants pictures, if he would like us to send more information etc. but have gotten no response. I hear about him 2nd hand from our son's bmom who is still in love with him although he has treated her badly as of late (he was good to her during the pregnancy). Basically, he has made it clear he wants the break up but she has continued contact. She has had a hard time because they went through so much together and he now doesn't want to talk about it.

Anyway, I gave her a silver bracelet with our son's birthstone in it for mother's day this year and we spent the day togteher again (Saturday) but I have been hesitant about sending something to our son's bdad because he has not responded to my e-mails (my dh sent one too) so we don't want to force him into somehting he is not comfortable with.

I have often wondered how our son is going to feel since he'll have a good relationship with his firstmom. I don't want him to feel rejected by firstdad. But firstdad never knew his own father so I feel like he never had anyone show him how to stick around. He does have our son's name tattooed (in HUGE letters!) across his chest, which he did right after our son's birth...he told our son's birthmom that it is awkward explaining it to potential dates (do young people think about the long term effects of tattoos? ah, another topic for discussion) but I think it will be something our son will see in the future which will show him in a special way that his first dad has always loved him.

I'm getting kind of teary about this right now...I really want ds and his firstdad to have a relationship but I can't force it. And men are such mysterious creatures when it somes to emotions.

Thanks for the question...sorry about the long answer.

[Hadley2]

In our situation, we haven't acknowledged either post-TPR because (1) it would be tremendously hurtful coming from us and received as a taunt, (2) it might reinforce and validate some very unhealthy attitudes and behaviors, (3) (most important, really) in our case, the child really needs clarity in language and roles as a part of the foundation for the security she needs to grow.

In future, if fd/future dd wants to send something (she hasn't since TPR, and pre-TPR she wasn't really self-initiating on this, either), then we wouldn't stop her but we would have conversation around it.

Yes, this is a f-a situation, but please don't dismiss it as "non-applicable" because of a judgment you may be making on the parents. It has nothing to do with the parents' issues that led to her removal...it has much more to do with the issues that I think relate to the open adoptions of many older children and that I could see relating to many other kinds of adoptions where the feelings and viewpoints of the adults involved are very ambiguous and that can't help but have some affect on the child. In all cases, what matters is having as honest a take as possible on how the child is receiving or is affected by the action.