[Oceans]

I was thinking about a divorce today (not my situation btw - lol) and how everyone agrees that you shouldn't put the child in the middle -

The adults need to separate the divorce from the child.

It got me wondering... In an OA, does the same thing hold true? Should aparent and bparents separate the adoption from the child?
Or is that what's supposed to happen anyway?

[kelceesmom]

Great question and if I am interpreting it correctly, I would say that no they shouldn't seperate the child from adoption. This child needs to know all sides of their adoption (if safe) to know their history. They will make history with the aparents but should know where they came from to whatever point the parents feel is safe.

Don't know if this is where you were going with this question but that is my answer.

[Oceans]

Thanks Denise... I kind of left it open to interpretation. My thoughts are that in a divorce parents focus on the child and work separately on their relationship and what they need to do so that there is minimal long term impact.

Is that what OA feels like at times? (hopefully less any nasty divorce bitterness)...

Or is there bitterness after a certain number of snubs etc (by either bparents or aparents)...

If divorce should have minimal impact... should adoption be minimized as well?

[bajj]

If you mean should both sides do what is in the best interest of the child, then yes, I think it is that way. I don't think aparents, or bparents should run each other down in front of the child at all (I don't think they ever need to run each other down, but definitely not in front of kiddos).

If both sets of parents could put their own insecurities aside and focus on what is best for the child, then I think that is a successful open adoption. Sounds easy, huh? Of course, real life happens, and it's never as easy as it sounds.

Great question, oceans.

[Leigh131313]

I dunno....it sounds like your thoughts are based on the idea that there is negativity in the relationship between aparents and bparents....Which in most cases I know (irl) just isn't the way it is.


I don't see a comparison at all for the most part.

[Oceans]

it sounds like your thoughts are based on the idea that there is negativity in the relationship between aparents and bparents

Nope - not at all. I'm with you of the 4 I know of IRL, the relationship is great.

[aspenhall]

Mine's just fine here too, but yes, there should be "behind the scenes" type discussions that leave the child out of it.

Not EVERY correspondance from me to bmom or from her to us needs to be discussed with my dd as far as I'm concerned.....at least not till she's an adult. Some stuff should remain between the parents.

[Leigh131313]

Hmmm...i editted my post, but it didn't show up, oh well.


I had wanted to also say..

THe idea of comparing OA with divorce suggests an equality that doesn't exist in adoption. The bparents and aparents are not on equal footing, whereas a mom and dad in a divorce more or less would be.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

THe idea of comparing OA with divorce suggests an equality that doesn't exist in adoption. The bparents and aparents are not on equal footing, whereas a mom and dad in a divorce more or less would be.

This. Apples and oranges.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

THe idea of comparing OA with divorce suggests an equality that doesn't exist in adoption. The bparents and aparents are not on equal footing, whereas a mom and dad in a divorce more or less would be.

I hadn't even thought of it that way! Good explanation.

[Leigh131313]

Not sure whatcha mean Jenna....

Are you agreeing that adoption and divorce are apples and oranges (which is what I was saying too) or are you saying that my comment is nothing to do with the original question...

words....I need more words...LOL!!

[SchmennaLeigh]

I was agreeing with you.

[dpen6]

soeone called it apples and oranges.

I think from the childs viewpoint that is very true. Adoption is about a child, the very core of the child is being bandied about by adults. divorce is about 2 adults that have made a child/bringing up a child. The adoption brings up feelings for the adults that totally affect the worth of the child, divorce is about the worth of the marriage, then the best interst of the child.

The child becomes who they are because of adoption(born to one, raised by another), in divorce they are already in the family...even though that family is being torn apart, they started with that fmaily and didn't need to adjust to another.....make sense?

[sstuart]

I am not so sure dpen6 that in a divorce you do not have to adjust to another family. My parents divorced when I was 5 therefore, I do not ever remember living with my dad. I adjusted to his multiple marriages and also a stepbrother and stepsister which after he divorced their mothers I never saw again. Also I may have a half-sister that he let someone adopt. So I think divorce does bring adjusting to a new family.

Now I do not believe that it is the same as being adopted, it is different, but there is alot of adjusting to new families. Also as an adoptee that is adopted as an infant, they do not have memories of a family that they never lived with. I am not saying that this makes it easier, but they know that there is someone out there that is related to them by blood, but they have never known. Just my opinion, not speaking for anyone else.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If I was married to either of Munchkin's parents and there was a divorce, I would have a say in how she was raised, what she was doing and so on. As an open adoption birth mother, I have none of that. I am not even allowed to THINK of that kind of stuff without being chastised for "co-parenting." If I was to overstep that boundary, I (not just me but any birth parent, just speaking with my own self in this place) run the risk of being completely shut out of the child's life. If it was a divorce and the other parent decided to "disappear" or refuse to let me have contact, I would have legal recourse. But since I'm a birth parent? Pfft. They would laugh me out of court even in a state that has legally binding agreements.

So, yeah, it's very apples and oranges. Even if you're the child. Because? If you're the child and you're of an age to offer up opinions on your living arrangement and you say, "I want to live with my birth parent," 9.99 times out of 10, the adoptive parents are going to flat out say, "Heck no," whereas in a divorce there would at least be some discussion if not a change made to current arrangements such as more time spent at the non-custodial parents house, etc.