[loveajax]

hmmmm...I don't see it, really. Except in the sense that you hope that the adults don't put the kids "in the middle" and try to have a positive relationship for the sake of the kids (even if it is hard). But yeah, there is a huge difference in my mind between the roles of parents even when they are divorcing and the roles of aparents vs. bparents even in a very open adoption. And of course the rights as Jenna mentioned.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by sstuart

I am not so sure dpen6 that in a divorce you do not have to adjust to another family. My parents divorced when I was 5 therefore, I do not ever remember living with my dad. I adjusted to his multiple marriages and also a stepbrother and stepsister which after he divorced their mothers I never saw again. Also I may have a half-sister that he let someone adopt. So I think divorce does bring adjusting to a new family.

Now I do not believe that it is the same as being adopted, it is different, but there is alot of adjusting to new families. Also as an adoptee that is adopted as an infant, they do not have memories of a family that they never lived with. I am not saying that this makes it easier, but they know that there is someone out there that is related to them by blood, but they have never known. Just my opinion, not speaking for anyone else.

I see your point.

I guess my point was that adoption is really just about the adoption....the child.

Divorce is just about the 2 adults...the breaking up of a marriage.

[browneyes0707]

I see what you are saying in a sense, I believe there is a commonality in regard to emotions. In OA, the relationship between the two adults is bound by what is best for the child. If it wasn't for that child, there would be no relationship. It's similar when two people divorce and there are children involved, there is a need to continue the relationship after the fact in regard to what is best for the child. I don't really know if I would be in a relationship with DD's a-mom if it wasn't for DD, but I do my best to maintain the realtionship because of her, the way most parents would post divorce. Make sense?

However I agree with Jenna that it is apples and oranges because unlike a divorce, I am no longer a custodial parent and have no input on how my DD is raised, decisions made regarding her welfare etc etc.

I have however always referred to my ex as "the husband I never married" because I do in a sense see myself treating him like an ex husband in regards to my daughter (no badmouthing, encouraging a relationship regardless of personal feelings etc etc) and our relationship is on equal footing in regards to DD (or should be anyway)

Plus I'd like to see him take a walk off a short pier :P

[Oceans]

In OA, the relationship between the two adults is bound by what is best for the child. If it wasn't for that child, there would be no relationship. It's similar when two people divorce and there are children involved, there is a need to continue the relationship after the fact in regard to what is best for the child. I don't really know if I would be in a relationship with DD's a-mom if it wasn't for DD, but I do my best to maintain the realtionship because of her, the way most parents would post divorce. Make sense?

I think this was my original thought when I was pondering this yesterday. I'm divorced (no kids). We maintained a relationship for a short time but really there was no need. With an OA, there is a need and in some cases where legally enforceable, there is actually a bit of teeth to the agreement (much like divorce).

In a divorce (a healthy one anyway) most parents agree that the other's involvement in their childs life is important. Along with that, yes, their are parenting decisions to be made because there is typically custody (overnight's at Mom or Dad's) which is not applicable to adoption. I wasn't questioning the parenting aspect.

However, there is also (I would guess) a more behind the scene discussion that everyone be on the same page with regards to values, gifts, activities that are appropriate etc... Then again as I write this, I see that is more of a one way street in adoption...

I guess my original thought was if OA felt like a "good divorce" where two people create a new relationship for the sake of the child... Maybe it doesn't matter what it feels like (no analogy needed)... It is what it is...

[aspenhall]

I consider my dd's bfam to be simply another set of In-laws....just as my in-laws are family by a legal proceding, so are my dd's bparents. They love and care about dd just as any family member would, but don't have any authority on the day to day raising. Their relationship with her contributes to who she is, but if we go months without any contact, it's still relaxed next time we speak...we just pick up where we left off.

And I am always interested in another person's experience with the same challenges I face, so advice given wouldn't necessarily be seen by me as an attempt at co-parenting...as long as it wasn't insisted upon, or demanded, or pushed at me repeatedly.

I don't think she'd give me any advice, because the reasons she placed is vastly different than the majority of bmoms I've encountered here. She didn't want to be her parent anymore, and freely admitted she wasn't effective at it, and had run out of ideas/strength to continue the fight. But, if she provided insight into my dd's way of thinking, I'd find that extremely valuable!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Heh. I think in-laws do better describe it. Or any other part of an extended family. Because, really, that's what the Munchkin's family is to us: extended family. And I believe they view us in the same manner.

[Oceans]

In-laws is a WAY better comparison.

But, if she provided insight into my dd's way of thinking, I'd find that extremely valuable!

I read this line of thinking on another tread recently. I think it was an adoptee that wrote it. Kind of the old nature vrs nurture debate but I definitely thought that insight into some basic personality traits would be a benefit to having an OA. I had never thought of that before...

[aspenhall]

I actually doubt she could even provide that much, she was really out of touch with my dd. (everyone actually, due to her own emotional issues -R.A.D.-).

The funny thing is, she said after meeting us, that she never really "got" our dd, and after seeing us, she said we'd see what she meant when she says "She's totally you..." she told us to just wait and see...

And she was right, our dd is SO much like us both in every way...and I can see what she meant when she said she recognized us as dd's parents when she met us. I think I have a better handle on things going on in dd's brain than S ever did...and that makes me a bit sad for both of them actually...But I think someday, even if it's only a little bit and not on purpose, just by knowing her, she'll be able to give me some kind of insight.

What's really cool, is this week I've been a bit nostalgic about that first contact, and I've saved ALL of our emails...every one...and this week I went back and read them all again and it was neat to read it with the perspective I have now having lived with my dd.

[Whirled_Peas]

I am a stepmom (a bio-mom) and a hope to adopt mom.

I pray that open adoption and divorce are nothing alike. My husband's ex is very selfish and could care less about the kids. She has done whatever she can to try and injure us including using the kids as weapons. I won't say she doesn't love them, she just doesn't know how to respect them or their needs.

I hope that in adoption all the parents are making their choices based on the needs of the child.

Divorce starts with 2 people who can't get along. I hope adoption starts with, "What is best for this child?"

[sstuart]

Maybe that is the problem "divorce starts with 2 people who can't get along" If you have children and are getting a divorce, it should be what is best for the children, but it rarely is. I think often times an open adoption turns into--what is best for "me" whether it be the birthparent or the adoptive parent. How many open adoptions have been closed because one of the adults in the triad were uncomfortable. It should always be about the child--but when people's feelings are involved-it rarely is!! Just my opinion.