[lahdh4]

I was talking this over with a friend a few weeks back (TGM) and we were both trying to understand why is so hard for us first/birth mothers to ask for anything from the adoptive parents?

I know in my case I was told that if I wanted visits I would have to be the one to call up and ask for them but it is soooo hard. I get sick just looking at the phone and realizing that I have to pick it up and call them.

[JustPeachy]

I didn't have an OA, but even in corresponding through semi-open, it would be hard of me to ask anything of the aparents. I think it's because I felt I would be perceived as "making demands" (even if this wasn't the case at all) or that I was somehow being intrusive. Also, the fear of them saying no, perhaps, would keep me from being assertive in this way. Plus, when I relinquished, the fact that I was terminating all rights got drummed in so much that I felt I really couldn't ask much of anything.

[bajj]

I hope you don't mind my butting in...I just wanted to offer a hug. ((((Leigh)))) I'm sorry it's so hard.

[thanksgivingmom]

Well, even though we actually had the convo (haha!) I think for me it's the consequences if I mess up. They're terrifying to me.

The irrational part for me becomes that once we got that first visit done and out of the way, no request of mine has ever been turned down. But I'm still scared silly about it. Granted, all I've really asked for since then was another visit, but still....

((((((hugs)))))) I know

[Rondidondi]

It was hard for me to ask for something or inform the PAPs I disagreed with something while I was pregnant. I didn't want to upset them in ANY WAY. I felt I was walking on a thin line of open adoption versed the doors being closed on me had I signed TPR.
I'm sure if I would have signed TPR these feelings would have only gotten worse.

[belleinblue1978]

I'm scared to death that I'll do the wrong thing and they will cut me off. They did my ex... so why not me right? I hate that it is so hard... I wish I could be whatever it is I should be... but what is that?

[sstuart]

I am not in an open adoption, but have recently reunited. I think alot of it is the fear that we will, be cut off. But many of us from the closed adoptions were told that we did not "deserve" to know about our children. It was selfless prior to the adoption, but society made you feel that you just gave your child away without any thoughts or feelings at all.
I understand the whole, I am afraid to ask for fear it will upset someone, but for some if you don't ask--Where will it get you? Will it make the situation any worse? Often times our fears are much worse than the reality. The aparents probably have many of the same fears.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Well, even though we actually had the convo (haha!) I think for me it's the consequences if I mess up. They're terrifying to me.

The irrational part for me becomes that once we got that first visit done and out of the way, no request of mine has ever been turned down. But I'm still scared silly about it. Granted, all I've really asked for since then was another visit, but still....

((((((hugs)))))) I know

and it has been in the back of my mind ever since

[lovemy2boys]

For me, as an amom, I WISH my boys' firstmoms would ask for things if they want them.

For my youngest son's firstmom, I'd ask every once in a while if she was happy with how things are going and if there's anything she felt she'd like to change, and mostly we hear "no, things are just fine". Then I'll hear from her mom that she would actually like this or that, and it frustrates me that I try to be open and she is too shy or scared to ask...

...so I take her out to lunch and corner her - lol...I told her that until she can feel comfortable enough talking to me about things, the OA would always be "fine" but not great...and that if there were things we couldn't do because of time constraints or whatever, we'd discuss it with her, and she should do the same with us.

Well, it's really made our relationship soo much better! She's more comfortable asking, and we are more comfortable in general, because it is more "honest", you know? And it DOES feel more like a relationship - and not so much like us "allowing" her things - more like we are all equals as opposed to her feeling we have all the "power" (this I got from her mom).

Anyway, it took 4 years for us to get to this point, and I know that all situations are different...but try to talk to your children's moms about your feelings - they may surprise you!

[taramayrn]

I am still scared, even though I know those fears are unfounded, after 8 years.

[browneyes0707]

I've always been scared of being too demanding. My DD's mom does not share very much, and I have no clear boundaries other than "write" and "I can't contact DD myself". Everything else is in a perpetual grey area, despite me trying to try and get boundaries defined. So I never know what is going to get a reaction, what is OK, not OK, etc. It's beyond frustrating.

I recently got on the "I should just ask, what is the worst that could happen" kick, and I asked for a few things. I asked to send a card to DD for her birthday through her, and that opened a WHOLE load of issues that to this day are unresolved. And a request for a follow up on how that went when she did give it to her were ignored.

I also asked for a phone call, even went as far as arranging a (loose) time for it, in order to facitlitate a discussion about those issues ( which was her idea) and the call never happened.

So in my case, it's no wonder I don't ask. However, right now I am struggling with whether I should continue to ask for the things that were not addressed, so I guess I haven't learned my lesson

If someone told me I COULD ask, then I would. I would be pretty hesitant, but I'd somehow get it out.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by browneyes0707

If someone told me I COULD ask, then I would. I would be pretty hesitant, but I'd somehow get it out.

Yes, I suppose this makes all the difference in the world...

[bromanchik]

It's been 23 years and I still have this mild apprehension every time we discuss getting together.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I about threw up when I just recently asked to discuss something.