[035568]

Hello, I'm an adoptive mother of a beautiful baby boy. My husband and I are in a semi-open adoption and both birthparents signed their rights away. We were lucky enough to meet his birthparents and I care very deeply for them and love them with all my heart. They are wonderful people.

Now onto my question.....My husband and I have had our baby for almost 2 months now. I feel like I have been a great mom to him, but my husband has all of a sudden turned into this monster. He is very jealous of me even getting near our baby. He's been very abusive to me both physically and mentally. He has not hurt our son in any way, but I feel like I want our baby out of this situation and I will do anything to remove him. I want to get as far away from my husband as possible. My son does not need to be around this garbage. I'm having a hard time because the adoption is almost ready to go to finalization and I dont' know what to do. I could wait until finalization and then divorce him and fight for sole custody, but I don't want him be around him at all. My other option is to tell the agency about it and I assume they will tell the birthparents. Would the birthparents make that decison? What would you decide if this happend to you? I want to adopt him just myself and I'm such a great person and my family and church loves him so much. I can't imagine my life without him. I would be devastated. I can provide for him financially, emotionally and give him everything he needs. He would have male figures in his life such as my dad and brother who are great. I just want what is best for my baby. I love him more than anything in this world and I'm willing to fight for him. I work full-time, but my boss just informed me that I can work from home so I could be home with my baby. Can any of you birthparents tell me how you would handle this if it were presented to you. Keep in mind that I love him and if it meant losing him, I would have to accept that, but I just want him to be safe. He would be safe with me and if I contacted the agency before finalization, then if the bps decided it was ok, then my husband would not have rights, only me.

[Oceans]

OMGosh!!! I am sooo sorry you are going through this.

Is this anything that counseling would help? I am thinking you should post a similar thread in the aparents support forum to see if others have faced this... Maybe it's more common then you think. (???)

As a birthmom, I believe you should discuss this with the agency. You couldn't have seen this coming but it is a definite adoption related development. It's probably impossible to predict how the bparents will feel.

(((((HUGS)))) I hope someone can help you more than I. Again, I am sooooo sorry!

[loveajax]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I agree that you should find some help for yourself. You never should have to deal with abuse. If your DH is physically abusive, you should call the police and get a protective order.

As for the agency/birth parents, typically, birth parents sign away their parental rights and the agency retains "custody" until finalization. I can't imagine that there haven't been other situations like this where the agency would support you, but gosh, I don't know if I wouldn't get some independent legal advice from a family law attorney.

I am so sorry! Hang in there!

[EZ2Luv]

Please get away from you husband ASAP. Go to a shelter if you must. Do you have friends or family that will take you and the baby in and keep you safe? I know you are afraid of losing the baby, but you must find a safe place for both of you. What if your husband harms you or the baby ? It will be even worse Once you are safe contact your lawyer and you agency but right now YOUR SAFETY and the SAFETY of the BABY are most important.

If you then feel counseling will help you can persue it once you are safe. Please so not waste another minute in an unsafe situation/

Once a person crosses the line and becomes physically violent no telling what they are capable of doing. You need to get you and the baby out of harms way.

EZ

[Oceans]

So sorry - I somehow I read (in my mind) he was NOT physically abusive. YIKES... Yes - get to a safe place 1st... Then worry about everything else.

[taramayrn]

While I, as a birthparent would be upset to know that the potential father of my baby was acting this way, I would understand you leaving him. I would not want my baby to be subjected to this. I would talk with your agency to see what they recommend. I am sorry this is happening. I wonder if the stress of the adoption and placement has triggered an undiagnosed mental illness within your husband. I hope he will go to counselling.

[SuddenlySusan]

Get your baby away from the "monster" as you called him... your baby is at high risk, and so are you. Don't wait until it is too late -- GO NOW!

Many nmoms opt for adoption because they believe that TWO parents are better than ONE. I think it would be unfair to the original parents, this early in the adoption, to not be notified. I'm sure there are those nmoms who would want the option of bringing the baby back home with them, and there will be some nmoms who would desire to choose another two-parent family. There will also be some nmoms who would not object to the adoption being finalized. I personally would have a problem with the adoption being finalized, but that's just me (some ex-husbands, especially violent ones, have a hard time letting go... assuming, of course, that you will divorce and distance yourself from your husband)... physical abusiveness is hard to treat, and you don't need to be a martyr.

I don't know her situation, but since you have met the nmom, and this is a semi-open adoption, it seems like you would have information on how she can be contacted. It is my belief that the nmom needs to have a voice in deciding the matter, even if it means returning the baby to her. Again, my opinion.

I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. Please take immediate steps to protect yourself and the baby, even if it means placing the baby in temporary care away from yourself in order to ensure its safety. Call the police, call the agency, and contact the nmom.

We will all be thinking of you... please get away from this situation.

Peace,
Susan

[KatiesEd-dad]

I agree with everyone else that the first thing you need to do is get yourself and your baby to safety as quickly as possible. If you don't have a family member that you can run to then find the nearest shelter/safe house and hole up there while this gets sane again.

Now, for your next issue. There is no way that the adoption can or should be finalized with a situation like this going on. Your husband may be suffering from Post Adoption Stress Disorder and needs psychiatric help asap! Your home situation has changed and your home study is not an accurate depiction of your household. You need to contact your agency and let them know what has been going on.

[kelceesmom]

The safety of you and your baby should come first. You need to get a clear head and picture for what is going on so that you can make some rational decisions.

[lahdh4]

Get out and talk to the agency.
You and your son are first the most important. You need to take care of you. I would be shocked at how the father is acting but I would not want my child to be brought up around someone like that.

[josh1788smom]

I totally agree with Ed. First, you need to be safe, so leave him. Second, I don't know what the situation will be, but I don't think it is fair to hide the truth or stay with him until the adoption is final just so the adoption goes through, if that is the proper word.

I don't know the situation of which your son came to you, but I do know I, as a birthmother had it PUMPED into my head how I had to do what was right for my baby. My birthmother response would be "why does she get to lie just to keep my baby". I only mention that because you asked about what birthparents would do.

I hope that doesn't sound mean, I really hope this situation works out for you to remain with your son, it sounds as if you have lost a lot already.

God Bless your entire family!!!

[proudasis]

First, I am sorry you are in this situation. Second, I am speaking as professional who works with the foster care system in Utah; hence, I work heavily with adoptions. I am concerned about your safety, as well as the safety of the baby. My advice to you would be to inform the agency of the problem, and seek counsel on how to proceed. Second, I would consult an adoption attorney to see what your rights are. (if you live in Utah, I can refer you to a great one.)

My primary concern is that if you stay, and if you allow the baby to be in an abusive environment, you are failing to protect this baby. Further, if you adopt and still remain with your husband, and the state finds out about the abuse, they could open up an investigation; worst case scenario is they would take the baby into foster care. It would be horrible for this baby to lose two families, and have to go through the grieving process of having to change families.

It almost sounds to me like you need to hold off on adoption, and get your marriage resolved. This is an awful time to adopt, and there are too many barriers right now. I wouldn't even go there.

[035568]

Thanks everybody for your responses. I felt so alone in this situation, but everything is going to be ok. My son and I are in a safe place. We have plenty of family and friends. This is killing me, but I will do the right thing. I'm an honest person and don't believe in lying. I just want to get it all over with, so that my son and I can start our new lives together even if it means he is with someone else. What really stinks is if the agency takes him away or the bmom decides to choose another family. She will know how he is doing through the agency and get pictures, but I will never know or see him ever again if that happens, no pictures, phone calls or nothing. We have already bonded and he knows who I am. He instantly stops crying whenever he is in my arms and he knows my voice, touch, smell. I can tell these things. He's a little over a month old, but he turns his head to look everytime I speak. If I lose him, it will feel like a death to me, but at least I know he will be safe and I pray that whoever got him would be a good family. If this could happen to me, what about other couples...how do I know he will be safe with them. I know I could keep him very safe. It's just real depressing and I'm still trying to figure out why things have turned out this way. I have prayed for a baby for years and waiting for almost 10 years, now I finally get the baby of my dreams and my husband goes nuts....you all please remember us and thanks again!

[proudasis]

You have to let the agency know what is going on. Your sons mother deserves to know what is happening with her baby. She needs the assurance that he will be safe, and she should be able to make the decision about whether or not she wants you to keep the baby. Just my two cents worth.

[Oceans]

You really don't know what will happen. I understand preparing yourself for the worst but, honestly, you just don't know what will come of this - None of us do. I am at a loss here - I really wish I had some magic words to make this better for you. Just know that we all hope for the best - for you and your baby - and we are always here if you need some support.

((((Hugs)))