[zxczxcasdasd]

I hope I word this right...it's floating in my brain in a million little peices so I'm not sure if I'll assemble it correctly...

There is a lot of debate, especially lately, about what an aparent's role is, if any, in the facilitation of their child reuniting or having contact with their birthparent. Most (from what I can see, not all, but most) agree that an aparent blocking reunion or being deceptive, flaky, disrespectful, is not a good thing. From what I can unofficially tally in my head, most also grant that barring being unethical, deceptive, or flaky, an aparent does get to make the call on the best interests of the child when the child is a minor. Many aparents will let the child (based on their age and maturity) have a say or make the choice entirely (which we did- FTR) and some aparents will make the call for them based on their judgment as a parent (which I might have, had it happened at a bad time for J, which thankfully it didn't).

Mostly on the boards, an aparent using their influence to discourage contact or reunion is seen as a crummy thing to do- pressuring their child to reject any overture from the bfamily or never to search. But I'm what I'm wondering about is pressure or influence in the other direction. When it comes to minor kids, most people assume that the aparents "set the tone", so to speak, in their own households and can influence a child to be open to and think positively of their bparents. When the child is grown, the parent is supposed to hand them over their own life (in stages, granted) and let them make their own choices and determine their own relationships.

Gah, I'm being so ambiguous. Here's the deal...

J is 18. Almost a year ago he decided to open contact with his bmom after saying "no" a year previously when we had the direct-to-minor internet contact. Since then it's been mostly positive, but definitely rocky (long story). She came here last June. J and I went out there in Jan. Since we came back from our visit in Jan, J is in fairly regular contact online with his 2 hlaf-sibs through her. But he says he's had no contact with her at all for 4 months now and is "fine with that" (don't ask me what that means, I wonder myself).

Mother's Day is coming up and I'm wondering how "hands off" I'm supposed to be about this. Is it a case of him being a legal adult and it's his relationship with M so I just butt out either way? Or am I just not supposed to DIScourage anything, but I should be ENcouraging, whatever his age?

Personally, I think he should acknowledge her. It's the first Mother's Day since they met and I think (actually can pretty much guarantee) it would mean a lot to her for him to acknowledge her on that day and she will likely be very hurt if he doesn't. So...do I tell him this? Or is that "pressure" and "none of my business"?

Would like to hear some thoughts...

Thanks.

[Leigh131313]

I think if it is something you are concerned about - why not just ask him if he has thought about calling/sending a card to her for Mother's day. See how he reacts. I don't think that is being too pushy.....

In the end I do think you have to respect his feelings on the matter tho. But a suggestion won't hurt

[Oceans]

Heidi: You know for an 18 year old boy, you might even have to buy the card lol...

I don't think it's wrong to ask him at all. He might appreciate the reminder if he's not in a place to call right now...

[browneyes0707]

Heidi:

I agree with the others. Just ask him casually if he's thought of doing anything for his b-mom for Mothers Day. He is an 18 year old boy, college finals and stuff, he may not be thinking about Mother's Day period.

I know you and J have a close relationship, if this is something that you feel strongly about, you can always state your case, but leave the final decision to him. From what I've read, one of the biggest issues adoptees have in reunion is trying not to upset their a-parents while seeking out a relationship, and you have always supported and encouraged J since first contact. I know he must appreciate that, since that's a burden he doesn't have to bear.

And you know, it's one of the many things that make you awesome

[zxczxcasdasd]

Heidi: You know for an 18 year old boy, you might even have to buy the card lol...

ROFL!!! So true.

Last Mother's Day, hubby thought that J was "old enough" to manage Mother's Day by himself and so didn't remind him or help him with anything. So I got...NOTHING! Well, except a sheepish apology that he forgot to bring home a napkin holder he had made for me in Plastics class a while back. It sucked. It actually made me feel like doo-doo. I would have prefered to get something he was reminded to make or give to me than to end up with nothing and feel forgotten. It was just days after that that J shared that he was thinking it was time for him to contact M. The timing and the preceding circumstance absolutely affected how that made me feel to hear that. A month earlier or later and I might have been a freakin cheerleader about it. But saying it right then...right after I got ZIPPO on the day for Mothers? Wrap that up with hard-core Empty Nesting about him leaving for Africa and then moving straight into college at the same time?... It was a carnival of fun in my brain.

Which is something I keep remembering when thinking about this for her. I don't want that to happen to her anymore than to me. J has matured a lot this first year of college, so I can't say he'd do the same thing as last year, but I was wondering about the principle of the whole "at 18, it's their own business" thing...at what point, or do I ever, back away from it, or do I remind/suggest this year? Every year?

I think I can figure out our personal situation (along the lines of what Leigh, Oceans and brown said), but what I'm wondering about is the PRINCIPLE or the MAIN GUIDING PRINCIPLE, or if there even is one, to govern these kinds of things when the adoptee isn't a minor?

[zxczxcasdasd]

From what I've read, one of the biggest issues adoptees have in reunion is trying not to upset their a-parents while seeking out a relationship,

Good point. I do feel I have an obligation to assure him that having a relationship with her is not a betrayal of me. Maybe I need to just tie that assurance to Mother's Day...

I'm still wondering if there is some guiding principle to refer to for over-18 adoptees...what is my ongoing role supposed to be in these things going forward?

Maybe it's not as complicated as it seems inside my head...

[zxczxcasdasd]

Okay Oceans...I have to admit that while I was shopping for Mother's Day cards for my mom, MIL, etc., I did look for one that J could send to M. Afterall, I bought hubby's card for his mom too.

But apparently, a Christian bookstore (I was there for a specific book and though I could buy cards while I was at it) was not the right place. I don't think that M is very religious and all the cards were heavily scripture oriented and about memories and growing up. I couldn't find anything he could send...not even a blank one that J could fill out himself!

2 things:

1. Knowing J as I do, talking can go in one ear and out the other. So I think I will just go find him first thing Sunday morning to suggest he call M before we leave for brunch. Since they are 3 hours ahead of us, I think that if he's cool with that, it will minimize the time she might be wondering whether she will hear from him that day. Also, it's when he can just do it right then. If he doesn't object, I'll even bring him the phone. He'll have his own room (tiny, but private) at their house, so he can talk in privacy.

2. Question for whomever wishes to answer: What would you want your Mother's Day card (or Birthmother's Day- whichever you personally prefer) to say?

[Oceans]

Knowing J as I do, talking can go in one ear and out the other. So I think I will just go find him first thing Sunday morning to suggest he call M before we leave for brunch. Since they are 3 hours ahead of us, I think that if he's cool with that, it will minimize the time she might be wondering whether she will hear from him that day. Also, it's when he can just do it right then. If he doesn't object, I'll even bring him the phone. He'll have his own room (tiny, but private) at their house, so he can talk in privacy.

H: I think this sounds great - and it might be a good conversation starter

As for the second question, hehehe I would be happy if it were just blank and came from him... lol probably not the answer you were looking for hehehehe