[Rondidondi]

do you think its because of the way you are treated by your childrens amoms, or is it a natural response that comes from the situation (which I TOTALLY understand).

When I think of my situation (prebirth) I tend to look at my personality and the PAmom's. I am a follower, shes more of leader. I think that's why I never voiced my thoughts. I took her lead and just agreed.
I wonder if a firstmom feels "powerless" after placement? I felt that way after my son's birth at the hospital. I felt I lost ALL power to him. Like my rights to him were gone even though I hdn't signed TPR - I did tell the PAPs they had a son.
My big thing was the fear of rejection. I had this sense of keeping the PAPs happy WAY BEFORE keeping myself happy.
Though I'm not in an OA and decided to parent, I can see where firstmoms come from. I can see where Amoms come from too. It's got to be hard to open up to each other for fear of "messing things up". A good relationship will take work. Respect I think is key to all players.
Don't know if I answered your question very well. I'm sure others will do better. This was just my thoughts.

[loveajax]

I think DD's birth mom and I are both nervous when we call each other, etc. I think it's a relationship that is really so hard to describe, explain, etc.

I am a very assertive person (some may say brash!!). But when it comes to DD's birth mom, I am always apprehensive, etc.

I know she is nervous to "ask" for things. I sort of welcome it because as hard as it is to say no, I have in the past and I would rather have the conversation about our reasons, etc. Although I think we have a very good relationship, I am SURE she would love to say certain things to me that she never will (and vice versa). I am hoping with time, it's a little easier....

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I don't want to hijack this thread, but I do have a question I'd like to ask...

For those of you who "dread" (for lack of a better word) asking things, do you think its because of the way you are treated by your childrens amoms, or is it a natural response that comes from the situation (which I TOTALLY understand).

For me personally, I have been dreading it all since day 1. Since the first time we met. I really had no imput at all into the agreement, it was all them and I just followed. I didn't speak up, I didn't ask for anything and when I finally did ask for anything when we had a meeting last year (?) and after I told her that it felt like we were sliding into a semi-open arrangement: I was told "We are too busy and we don't want to confuse her." I was told it would be up to me to call and set up the visits. After that it took me almost 6 months to ask for a visit. And so since I couldn't do it I had to wait 1 year, 4 months and 22 days to see Supergirl (not like I was counting)

[belleinblue1978]

You know, I'm pretty assertive, I have to be in my work. When it comes to my kid's mom though... man I am crap at discussing anything with her.

Honestly, they cut me out just like that. Like I said, they did my ex, and he isn't violent, or anything else, just has some difficult issues, that they refuse to try and understand or learn about.

I guess I also hear all kinds of callous remarks about myself and my ex and I think well if she can talk like that about me to my face, what will stop her from just saying no?

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I don't want to hijack this thread, but I do have a question I'd like to ask...

For those of you who "dread" (for lack of a better word) asking things, do you think its because of the way you are treated by your childrens amoms, or is it a natural response that comes from the situation (which I TOTALLY understand).

In the beginning, Cupcake's Mom kept postponing things that were her idea (a visit) so there was a precedent set of expectations not being met. Just being totally honest. Today, not even two years later, I feel our relationship is better and the circumstances that were around in the beginning aren't an issue anymore.

When I worked up the nerve to ask for a visit earlier this year, I received one without any trouble at all. One might think that would make me more positive and confident in future requests. Nope. I still have the historical context of failure. It might not be fair that I still live with that in the back of my mind, but I do. And it dictates a lot of my actions today.

Also, it's hard not to get disheartened by others' stories, especially when we're so close to them. I've followed Leigh's battle with getting her visit for about that entire year, four months, and 22 days....because we were ALL counting. Again, it might not be fair to have the experiences of others translate to our own fears, but I think we see that across the board in adoption. Emoms might do nothing at all to indicate a match failing, but it's still a fear amoms have. It's no different really.

I think communication is key - letting your boys firstmoms know that they can have that open communication is a step, for sure.