[Hadley2]

I think it would help greatly if there were less black-and-white, right-or-wrong, good guy/bad guy posts and replies.

That is, I think it would help greatly if "support" took the form of empathizing with the feelings of the poster without condemning another party they may be speaking of or making any right or wrong judgments for that matter. It's a given that we're not getting the other side and that there is another side. We can be supportive of each other and affirm feelings without taking their facts or judgments as gospel or, worse, extending them to paint the other party even worse with speculations and presumptions that aren't clearly labeled as such (e.g., "if so-and-so meant...").

The assumptions, judgmental, and good guy/bad guy postings I see seem to cause the most trouble. Besides, I don't personally think it is helpful or supportive to automatically agree that because a poster feels hurt by another's actions that the other person is wrong or a bad guy. I see this A LOT. How does that advance the poster's understanding of or relationship with the other person--who may be feeling equally slighted for their own reasons?

Also, disagreeing with someone's else's take on the facts or pointing out how the same situation could be viewed and taken differently, doesn't mean that the person replying is saying the op's feelings are wrong, just that the reason the op gives for their feelings may not be valid--and wouldn't that be good news?

Along the same lines, I think it would help a lot if people posting and replying would simply stick to giving opinions about actions, situations, and statements and not making good guy/bad guy judgments of the people involved. I don't see any purpose in such judgments. There is a big difference between an opinion about a situation and a judgment of a person's worthiness.

I think it would help a lot if some people wouldn't be so ready and apparently eager to be personally offended by another person's feelings or opinion about a situation. Not liking or agreeing with another's viewpoint doesn't mean their viewpoint is "offensive" and therefore invalid in some way. Especially when some posters new and not new to adoption truly wonder about or are stumped by some of the perspectives they find here. Questions should be encouraged--no one should be told that simply wondering about something means they have poor character.

Finally, I think it would help a lot if people would read what is written, not into it, and take clarifications at face value instead of challenging them or ignoring them. Especially, I do not like it when another poster twists a post to fit their own agenda and consequently unfairly attacks that poster personally in the process. This has happened to me and I have seen threads closed because of the escalation this pattern of behavior causes.

Oh, not finally. On the subject of closed threads, sometimes I wish there were a way moderators could suspend those stirring the pot in an offensive or aggressive way from just that thread without closing an otherwise dynamic thread, but that might be too difficult to judge, IDK (or maybe they already do, and I just don't know it).

[crick]

Originally Posted by Hadley2

Oh, not finally. On the subject of closed threads, sometimes I wish there were a way moderators could suspend those stirring the pot in an offensive or aggressive way from just that thread without closing an otherwise dynamic thread, but that might be too difficult to judge, IDK (or maybe they already do, and I just don't know it).

We do try to do this...we really do. Typically our first attempt is to post a reminder and then we do try to do thread "bans" where certain members of that discussion are not allowed to post. What generally ends up happening in some of the most heated threads is that more people are involved than not. So if we do a thread ban on say the 5-6 people causing the problems, it pretty much means the whole thread is dead anyway so it is easier to just close the topic.

However...point duly noted and we'll work on this.

[jren]

One thing that I've noticed is that a poster will post about a personal situation, pouring her heart out, and the first post to respond doesn't even acknowledge her post but instead points to one word that should be changed. If someone is posting a response and truly interested in the OP, and then they can add an "oh, by the way...", I think the suggestion would mean more and be more likely to be followed by the OP. Otherwise, it seems as if some are just monitoring the posts looking for offensive terms, which I don't believe they are. Sometimes it's hard to know if a post is something you have anything to add to until you've opened it, then there's the offensive term just begging for a response - maybe in those instances a PM would be best? A "saw your post and just wanted to let you know..." kind of thing?

At times, posting does feel like walking on eggshells, and some things I can't even post about, even though they are very real issues to adoption in my personal circumstances. Maybe it would help if there was at least one forum for each party in the triad that could only be for that party - for those posts that are just too touchy?

[jren]

Just had another thought.. Is there a list of acceptable abbreviations/terms for all members to use? Could also include things like "before TPR, it's emom" etc. Then someone only needs to say - read the sticky.

[crick]

Jren - If you click on the "Quick Links" up towards the top in the tan bars, there is a "Acronym" list that does have a lot of the abbreviations & terms.

[jren]

Thanks crick! This will save me tons of time b/c alot of times I write the whole word rather than use the wrong abbreviation.