[BrandyHagz]

I think that Crick brings up an important point - we can all only speak of our own experiences.

Take for example, my own open adoption as an adoptee. While I am so happy to have had access to information that I see adoptees post about here on the forums pretty frequently, it wasn’t all roses and sunshine.

There are times, which I can recall, that my birth mother (and her family) let me down and there is no doubt in my mind that my daughter Marni, whom I have an open relationship with, will also have those memories as well.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer (and I’ve said this a million times) there are just different answers for different circumstances. For some, that answer is openness and for others it’s closed adoption.

Now – the question “Do we push for OA blah blah whatever she said” and my answer is yes. Provided “we” is the adoption community as a whole (including professionals) – I do think that professionals ‘push’ OA to adopting parents as a way to quickly adopt. I do think that professionals ‘push’ OA to placing parents as a way to make it sound ‘easier’.

So yes – OA is ‘pushed’ - and I don’t guess I’d necessarily have a problem with that – if the education and resources to support OA were pushed just as hard. But they aren’t – so here we are.

I don’t pretend to think OA is the answer for everyone. I think it’s one of the possible answers available – along with closed, international, foster adoption, childlessness, surrogacy, fertility treatments or any other type family dynamic decision.

We have the right to choose what works best for our families. If that choice were taken away (say, like back in the 50’s and 60’s – sound familiar?) then what were left with is going from one extreme to another.

I’m all about empowering people to make fully informed decisions – whatever the topic is. You start down a real slippery slope when you take away a persons right to choose…

[belleinblue1978]

Sorry Crick, that is the irritated me that feels like the adopted me never gets listened to, which has been happening again lately. I didn't mean to take it out on you.

[HBV]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Here’s the thing tho… We really don’t know what to *fix* about adoption until 18, 20, or 30 years later – when the adoptees finally have a voice – and even then we have a hard time listening because so much has changed in the meantime. I think that’s probably the most frustrating thing when trying to figure out what’s best…We won’t know until years later…

I couldn't agree more. Even in the short 2 years I've been hanging around on this board, I've seen twists and turns unfold in open and closed adoptions. To me (and mind you I am in an open relationship that works pretty well---at least right now) making generalizations EITHER WAY about what's "best" is silly. All these relationships are personal, and personal relationships depend entirely on the people involved in them. I'll measure ours as successful if H respects his bfamily's decision to let us raise him, and if he turns out to be a kind, productive and happy adult. I didn't agree to this deal to get a baby, and I didn't agree to it out of guilt or obligation to H's bparents. I did it because I stood behind THIS bmom and her mother in the delivery room and couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could deny my son the opportunity to know that love.

Because we made the decision we did, for the reasons we made it, it's now up to us to give H confidence and security and the grace to accept all the love that he's offered in the family we've made. And I can't predict with any certainty that we'll be successful with that, any more than anyone in a closed adoption can predict that their child will be "fine" if they are loved enough by aparents but never know their bparents.

This whole discussion makes me think of a quote that's always struck me as cynical, but maybe it's true...
All happy families are alike, but an unhappy family is unhappy after its own fashion. (Tolstoy)

[crick]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Sorry Crick, that is the irritated me that feels like the adopted me never gets listened to, which has been happening again lately. I didn't mean to take it out on you.

Gotcha. I started this whole thing because at times I don't think I'm listened to as a "true" parent because I am in a closed adoption and I'm ruining their lives. That I have no care in the world for their other parents or any realization that not having contact can later be a real issue, that I"m not educated or truly understand adoption etc. I'm an inferior parent in some eyes. Thus all the questions and hoping to have a good discussion with everyone here. I know we won't all agree and I don't have an issue with that at all.

I think you said something similar on another thread...about not being listened to because you share more than one triad position. I can see that frustration and think we all have that at times. Course...are you sure it's just not because you are an ungrateful disloyal adoptee that is causing the frustration? I know mine must stem from the fact that I stole my children. (Disclaimer to all....I'm soooo kidding!)

[Leigh131313]

What I think is kind of interesting regarding this "push" for open adoptions...

It solely exists within the adoption community. Anyone outside of the triad (or workers) seems to think openness is a titch crazy and short sighted on the part of adoptive parents.

weird, huh?

[Oceans]

Brandy's post got me thinking. At least when it comes to birthmoms.

Whether here or in RL do we ever suggest a CA to a birthmom? Or do we naturally talk about OA. I can't think of one time where I have read a suggestion to research CA... So yeah... I guess OA's are pushed more.

Also, Crick: If you weren't in a F2A situation, would you have chosen an OA assuming the bmom wasn't a walking stereotype, etc?

[lonni]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Crick,

I grew up in a closed adoption, I know all about it, which is part of what drives me to keep an open adoption with my son.

Belle~exactlyYep~me too.

[Nicole28]

I’m all about empowering people to make fully informed decisions – whatever the topic is. You start down a real slippery slope when you take away a persons right to choose…

I agree, Brandy.

Leigh, what you said is interesting - my experience is the opposite. A lot of people have made comments to me to the effect of "I'd prefer an OA if I were an adoptee. I mean, then there'd be no reason to wonder or search!"

[julie23]

as a woman who made an adoption plan 22 years ago, i have survived an incredibly disappointing closed adoption.... i think it failed both the child and myself...

having this experience colored my "thinking" as hubby and I pursued adopting a baby this past year.

i really really really wanted an open adoption.... this was mainly because i believed it would be more humane for the birthmother....

I think there is loss in adoption for the child. I think OA has the potential to help with understanding that loss.... but the loss remains... the loss of the birthmother as "mother".... i don't think OA rectifies that... "mom" is the adoptive mom....

i don't think OA changes that core loss for the baby.... i think it can take away some of the curiousity... i think the adoptee may or not may not have a relationship with the birthmother... i think the idea of this neat birthchild/birthmother relationship as part of OA is a myth... i think it is a really cool fantasy... especially for some of us birthmothers from the closed era...

OA brings in its own set of issues....

some deal with them better than others...

We ended up matched with a birthmother who wanted a closed adoption.... what a shocker. i didn't know those birthmothers were still out there....

i have not been saddened by this for my daughters sake...we know enough about her roots and i know i can contact her if we need to... that i think my daughter will have "enough" to not have the mystery.... i have been very sad for the birthmothers sake....

i do not think we should push for OA no matter what... it was not what my daughters birthmother was comfortable with.... I did not try to talk her into it.... she knows that i was a birthmother.... she knows my experience.... she knows my opinions

she is a different person than I am.... she is choosing to deal with this in her own way.... after i spent two weeks with her,... she became willing to be contacted if the baby needs anything from biological family... she is willing to receive letters and pics... she was willing to bend a little....

i don't really believe OA "changes" how a child "turns out" as an adult.... the research I have read, confirms this opinion.... Most babies who were adopted "turn out" just fine....

julie

[Scatterbrain]

I have three closed adoptions but speak out about the positives of open adoption. #3 was open for us for only about 6 months--so I speak from very little experience in OA. The time we had that was open was a good experience on our side of things. It was just too difficult for (I)'s first mom. Even though I say it was good for us, everything was not what I would call easy. We were still working through the nervousness and it was causing more grief for (I)'s first mom. There were honesty issues, trust issues and other issues that I think we could have worked through, but it just was not meant to be at the time I's first-mom closed communications. I think that will change someday down the road.

Our situation is a bit unique because (J) & (S) were international adoptions and (I) was not only a domestic adoption, but was our first placement for cradle care.

[Nicole28]

Most babies who were adopted "turn out" just fine....

YAY. Not to get OT but I am always frustrated with the assumption that adopted people "turn out" to be confused adults walking around with so much baggage that we're incapable of having functioning lives.

I admit to having some baggage - but in general, I think that I "turned out" ok ha.

[Blessed2x.]

What a good question! I wondered about how being in an open adoption might have changed my life/me.

I am an adoptee from the closed era. I've had a good life, good parents, happy, and so on.

But I longed to know more. I snuck around the house searching everything from about 8 years old and on...I created my own "adoption file" which I added to for decades. It is by far the largest file in my filing cabinet. Quietly, I dreamed, I wondered, I wanted to KNOW.

If I had been in an open adoption, though, I might have felt strange. Knowing myself as a child, I can very much see myself wondering at some point...Why am I not with my biological family? Despite all the explanations, I can see myself wondering, at certain stages, why I was one place and they were another.

My birth family seems nice. I think I would have liked to have known them long ago. But maybe my adoptive family would have felt insecure...Maybe I would have felt insecure??

I don't know.....

Please know these are simply my thoughts about myself. It is no reflection on anyone else's experience.

[myheart]

I wonder if semi - open would be the best route to go. With letters and pictures to both b-families and to adoptees. I know that an open adoption certainly is not for everyone, but having some form of contact through letters or e-mails for bparents and ocasional pictures would ease some of the questions they may have, about the child they reliquished. For the adoptee having facts about bfamily may also answer some of their questions. In my opinion it just seems like the best option to go with. Then again I'm sure that this is not a solution for all but maybe for some... I don't know I may be rambling or just thinking out loud...... It seems for so many of us the grass is always greener on the other side...JMO

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by myheart

I wonder if semi - open would be the best route to go. With letters and pictures to both b-families and to adoptees. I know that an open adoption certainly is not for everyone, but having some form of contact through letters or e-mails for bparents and ocasional pictures would ease some of the questions they may have, about the child they reliquished. For the adoptee having facts about bfamily may also answer some of their questions. In my opinion it just seems like the best option to go with. Then again I'm sure that this is not a solution for all but maybe for some... I don't know I may be rambling or just thinking out loud...... It seems for so many of us the grass is always greener on the other side...JMO

Thats what I was thinking as I was reading the differnt posts. the other thing is that as others have said there are so many different situations that one answer doesn't cut it. Given that adoption is supposed to be about the best interst of the child and how often that gets lost in all the differnt arguments surronding adoption, I really think each situation needs to stay about the child. Some situation may not be good for children to have an open, some chilren may need an open. But I think a semi open , with all identifing info be made avaialble when the child wants it. Preferable as an adult. I beleive that open adoption far to often does become about the adults and the little one gets lost in the middle and stays there for a long time. It takes a huge measure of maturity and selflessnesss on both sides for it to succeed. I have seen many aparents bend over backwrds for the bparents and vice versa. How can that be helpful to the child when there must be some absorbation taken in my the child. The fears, anxieties, grief and emotional pain is apparent and the child just soaks it all in.

as a child I could't imagine having my bmother in my life, not because I didn't want her but being from the closed era it just was not even a remote thought. She was a imaginary person that just was out there. I did think of her often but the thought of her right there is to farfetched for me to evn think about. I don't think closed adoption necessarily hurt me but the secrecy and the lack of knowledge did.

[crick]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Also, Crick: If you weren't in a F2A situation, would you have chosen an OA assuming the bmom wasn't a walking stereotype, etc?

Hard to say. I think I would consider a Semi Open, not all that sure I'd do an open open though. I don't know that I'm the right kind of person for it simply because I don't like the microscopic feeling of things in general.
"Am I doing this right, is bmom okay with me parenting x or y way?" Meaning..kind of being out there for someone else to observe and even critique my parenting. Not that it would be anything the bmom would do at all, I just know how I am as a person and I don't like that feeling. I don't do eggshells...kwim? I can't stand that type of tip toe stuff and being forced to do so, I just don't think that's my way. That doesn't mean I'm right or that it would be that way at all, just means I don't think I personally would do it. And I know people might then say "oh, she can't handle it" and maybe not, but I still don't think it means I'm an inferior parent as some might assume.

When we first started the adoption process I said "NO WA