[Jackiejdajda]

julie23

can we redeem ourselves through the grandchildren? i don't know... if that is our hearts desire, maybe. i do not have that desire... i do not need redemption anymore. that was an inside job.... probably not fully complete... but at least enough for me to have some peace.

but as you would say, you're thinking is not wrong... it is just where you are today.

I am where I am supposed to be today (thanks for the reminder).. And I can let it go.. all of it..

but there is still a relationship. maybe not a close one... maybe not the one it can be someday...

but the door is open. the door to your son and his family is open....

that is different than having the door slammed in your face.

I could not have someone tearing me apart.. telling me what is wrong with me and how I should or should not act.
Its my Achilles heel.. My place of being lost.. what I can not handle..

in the end, this is the hardest thing about adoption for me... the barrier ... the red light... While I do believe adoption is a good and loving option, i would still have a hard time advising a woman to make an adoption plan... because there are not any guarantee's... open adoption may just force you to watch the bad stuff happening... that i could not have handled.... i may have killed myself if i had known what my daughter suffered in her adoptive home... known the wrong that they were doing, and not be able to stop it... being powerless...

Its why I do not reply to posts about this other than say.. I am so sorry..
There are so many fantasies in this.. so many pretend places where the reality is very far from what we want..


Jackie