[kakuehl]

Hey, Brown! I just read through this thread. I have a couple disconnected thoughts... (Hey it's Sunday, my "day of work" and I'm definitely not responsible for the state of my mind...Ok, I hear you saying "How is that different from other times?")

First, give her a head's up. Tell her you're going to call her on ___ at ____ o'clock. (She can choose to be there or not, or she can email you.) Don't ask her what will suit; make an annoucement.

I don't think you can do an end run around ampm at this point. If DD chooses to have you as her "friend" on her myspace, that's different.

I think the only thing worse for a girl than being 14 is being 16, LOL. At that age, my daughter would tell me (when she was talking to me) that she wished she was adopted. (What I "love" is that now she will tell me she thinks I did a good job raising her.) It is often difficult for moms as their children start moving toward adulthood and away from dependence on their parents. It's not an easy time for most of us. (My mother in later used used to tell us how she loved it when we were teens. My siblings and I would look at each other and try to figure out what teens she was talking about!) It sounds to me like amom may be dealing with some of the teen stuff and her reaction to it. Is DD the youngest? That might make it even harder.

Hang in there. I know it feels like forever right now but it may be a short time in terms of a lifelong relationship. Just keep being there...

From what D has told me, D's teenage years were rough. If I had entered his life then, he might totally rejected me (in reaction to his sense of me "not wanting him.")

No real answers her... know that you have support from those of us who care about you and your journey!

[aclee]

I think you see mainly what I mean, but I wanted to clarify one point. You can tell amom that you are going to contact your daughter. You can even be nice about it. I think if you tried to present it as giving daughter the strength to control her part of the relationship or something along those lines, it's something amom would realize was positive. I hope so anyway.

I would try to find a way to get in direct contact with daughter without doing it behind her amom's back...I would push for that even more now that I see that your daughter is clearly interested in her birth parents. I see that you are a respectful person etc. I can also see by your post that you want to respect what you've said to amom. I also want amom to respect what she's said to YOU, and commitments she's made to you for an open adoption.

[browneyes0707]

aclee:

I do get what you are saying. I did just what you are saying, I asked to send a card for her birthday. That's kind of where some issues came out, and she questioned my intentions. Just my asking set off insecurity. But she said I could send the card and she'd ask if she wanted it, and I don't think she ever asked her. (Don't know, she never wrote me back ) but given the past, I think it's safe to say she didn't. It is a possibility that she allowed my ex to write her, but she won't confirm that, it's one of the questions I have that I can't get a straight answer about.

So the only way TO contact my daughter directly is behind her back, as she will always find a way to put the kibosh on it right now, whether it be giving off vibes to DD that she isn't comfortable or not following through on things.

I don't know if I'm ready to deal with the potential consequences of that.

[lucyjoy]

I wouldn't contact your daughter behind amom's back. That puts your daughter in a bad position and it isn't fair to her. Call amom.

Also, my kids were very up and down about their relationship with bfamily. If mom had contacted them before they were ready, I don't think they would have pursued a relationship with her as adults-based on what they said and their personalities.

She is still 16. If you go behind amom's back, you ruin the relationship with the aparents. That certainly will make thing hard on your daughter, even as an adult. I think letting amom know how your are feeling would be a better place to start. She gave you numbers to call. It doesn't sound like she's wanting to prevent you from having a relationship. At this point, you don't know if the resistance is amom, adad, or your daughter.

While waiting must be murder, I would think hard before contacting your daughter behind amom's back.

[browneyes0707]

So I e-mailed DD's a-mom last week and asked if she still wanted to talk, that I was available over the weekend. She responded right away, and told me it sounded great, and asked for my numbers and my address.

However, she never called. Even after I went out of my way to e-mail her and advise her that I had a change of plan and would not be available at a time I said I would. She e-mailed me Mon AM and basically told me she didn't call because she was too busy, but she "will call she promised!"

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that. I wish I could believe her.

I'm not going to contact my daughter while she is a minor, however I am going to re-evaluate this when she turns 18. If at that time it makes her aparents upset, I can't control that, but I'll cross that bridge later. For now I don't see anything else I can do but what I'm doing.

I would love to find some way to express to her how I feel. But I don't even know how that would help or change things, as I feel like she probably has a good excuse for that all lined up.

And I still don't know if she ever got the card, or whether her mom even gave it to her. Since she never addressed the question when I asked (and how can she NOT know I am curious!) I assume it's not something she wants to discuss.

But thanks for everyones support. SO TIRED OF THESE !!!!!!

[paigeturner]

Brown,

I'm so sorry she didn't follow thru. How frustrating. Reading your story, it's pretty clear that you're the only one in this relationship holding up your end of the bargain. This isn't about her. It's about her/your daughter.

I think you're wise to keep gently trying and when she turns 18 - all bets off. It baffles me when I read these stories...does she think that your side of things will never be heard?

(((HUGS)))

[lahdh4]

Brown so with you on the dang

I am tired of them myself and I have 14 years to go.

(((HUGS)))