[MamaS]

First, I am an adoptive mother of three (two international and one relative) and I am a generation beyond most of you. I have been reading on here for about a year, and I keep seeing "if I only had support I would have/could have kept my child." On one of the blogs someone said "If potential adopters have $15,000 to spend adopting someone else's child they should give that money to the birthmother so she can keep and raise her own child".
Another quote that struck a nerve was "All children need is love, food, and a place to sleep. If parents are providing that, the child should remain with them."
My question is: What kind of support do you feel you should have had? Should your parents have supported you financially, or the baby's father, or the government? Should you have been provided free medical, free daycare, free tuition, free apartment, or other? How long would you have needed support before you were in a position to support yourself?
If you answer, please be precise. Not "my family should have supported me" but "my parents should have let me continue to live at home while I finished high school and they should have paid for the baby's, food, supplies, medical, etc. and provided child care while I was in class, etc."

[Mommy24]

MamaS~ I do not think anyone should have had to financially support me or my child, however, emotional support is what I am talking about when I say I wish I had, had support. At 19 I truly believed that being unwed, financially unready, young and single meant that I wasn't possibly able to be a good mother to my child. I was told that the best thing for my child was a 2 parent home, the financial means to be able to give my child the best life possible and at 19 I bought into all of that. I needed someone to tell me that financial situations are most times temporary, that single mom's can be good mom's and that name brand clothes and tons of toys didn't mean as much as I thought they did. Financial hardships happen to everyone not just single, young mom's and dad's but I couldn't see that at the time, when it is beat in your head that you can't do it you begin to believe that. I wish I had realized that I could have taken advantage of the services available to those in hard times because it would have been temporary, I know this because it was only a couple short years before I was ready to parent my second child.

It wasn't long after my son was born and placed that I was in a totally different place in my life, was it because of the placement? I don't know, it could have been a maturity thing, but I know today that I could have been a good mom, I could have done it. He would have had a good life, different than the one he has now, but still good.

[mom4gage]

i couldn't have said it better myself!

[RavenSong]

MamaS,

I would never have expected any type of financial support from my parents. But I would have appreciated emotional support. Instead I had a father who disappeared because he thought my mother was going to hit him up for child support. And I had a mother who insisted on referring to her unborn grandchild as "the little bastard". When I would yell that he wasn't a bastard, she would just smile and tell me to go look it up in the dictionary...that the definition hadn't changed.

Of course, she could have prevented the "illegitimate" label by allowing me to marry my son's father. We had gone steady for several years, and we had been planning on getting married when I graduated from high school. Instead, she filed statutory rape charges against him, and he went into hiding.

I graduated from high school a semester early, when I was about 6 months pregnant. (I had to switch to adult "night" school, since the regular high schools at that time did not allow pregnant girls to continue their education.) So I was more than willing to go to work. The question of the day was how to pay a babysitter while I worked. There were no daycare centers in San Diego in 1972.

I did go to work for a title insurance company a few weeks after my son's birth. It was a clerical position, and I made $2.10 an hour ~ minimum wage at the time was $1.65 an hour. But it still wouldn't have been enough to pay a full-time babysitter, rent an apartment, clothe us, and put food on the table for two, etc. I know I qualified for public welfare, but as I recall, that amounted to $150 per month. The federal food-stamp program wasn't in existence yet. Food stamps didn't become available until around 1974, I believe.

I would have greatly appreciated if the government had offered subsidized daycare in those years. My son and I wouldn't have had much in the way of material comforts the first couple years, but we could have made do. I'm sure he would have been covered by MediCal (California's Medicaid program), at least until I obtained employer-sponsored health insurance. And I would not have been embarassed to have him on MediCal, not after reading all the posts here on the forums of parents who place their adopted children permanently on Medicaid.

All I really wanted from my parents was some guidance on how to operate in the adult world. I would have appreciated some emotional support, some kindness, and maybe even a little love from them. And I would have liked my family to have acted more like a family.

[belleinblue1978]

MamaS, honestly, as far as money goes.... anyone can make do. Yes I would have had to use some government programs, but why shouldn't I have taken advantage of them? All kinds of other people do and they don't get looked down on. I don't think things should be free, but sure, I would have used the help.

I needed emotional support. I needed the man that got me pregnant to be a man rather than a little boy who was scared and selfish. That was what I needed. I didn't want anything financially from my parents or his. However, do I think that he would have had to support his child financially? Yes, I believe that is part of being responsible.

I find it sad that you seem to think it all boils down to finances, it is WAY more than that. If I am misreading what you are saying, please correct me.

[Rondidondi]

When I look back at my adoption plan I find lots of room for improvement.
I did decided to parent post birth, however I often wonder "If only.." would I have realized I could parent during pregnancy. This would have "saved" ALOT of pain for myself as well as the PAPs I had choosen.
IF only...
-I would have had unbiased councelling
-Parenting would have been discussed with me.
-My financial situation was gone over indepth more. (I always said I couldn't afford another child. My son's Guardian at' Liedem totally laid my financial situation out for me. I realized things weren't as bad as I thought.)
-I looked at my son as MINE. I decided very early that if I focused on him being the PAPs I would be able to "let go". My agency refered to him as "baby", they too never refered to him as mine.
-I saw myself as a birthmother from day 1. My agency had me sign forms that refered to me a birthmother. I had already been placed in that role while being pregnant.
-I would have educated myself more. Got on the computer and found this forum and read some of the blogs I read now. Instead all my info came from the agency.
-I had re-evaluated my decision more. I chose adoption the day I found out I was pregnant and stuck with that.
I hadn't doubted my capabilities to parent 3 children on my own. At the time I was raising a 15 yr old and an 8 yr old. I told myself there was no way I could raise a third child.
My list could probably go on and on. I think the main thing in my situation is the lack of councelling and education.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Another quote that struck a nerve was "All children need is love, food, and a place to sleep. If parents are providing that, the child should remain with them."

MamaS, May I ask why this quote "struck a nerve" for you?

[kakuehl]

MamaS:

I have to say that my situation was somewhat different. I had support from my parents (hurt but loving and supportive); they would have kept the baby while I finished college and found a job. So, my reasons for placing were not lack of money or support.

I truly believed/believe that every child deserves to be in a family that wants that child. I grew up with my mother saying, "we loved you but didn't want you." (And they were married whn I was conceived.) I never wanted to say that to a child of mine. I wanted D to have parents who were ready and wanting to be parents. To my other two, younger children I could say, "I don't know WHY I wanted you, but you were planned and wanted." That doesn't mean I didn't and don't love D. I do. It took my mom a while to recognize how deeply I did care; that I was doing what I did because I firmly believed it was the past thing for him.

If I knew then what I know now, would I make the same decision? I don't know. My decidion today might be a different one. I can only tell you that I made the best decision I could at the time. Ultimately, that's all any of us can do.

[MamaS]

Thanksgiving Mom: It struck a nerve because I am working with (counseling) a young woman who is pregnant and living in a homeless shelter. Her love for the baby-yet-to-be-born I do not question. She is not drinking or drugging. Yet she has no prenatal care, no HS diploma, no job or potential for job, no family who will take her in (her mother is raising her three older children -- ages 10, 6, and 1) no certainty as to who the father is, and no plan for the future. I am NOT trying to "talk her into adoption". If "love, food, and shelter" are all that are required, then she can raise the baby in a homeless shelter. However, if "health care, security, and stimulation" are also important then maybe a homeless shelter life isn't the best choice for a newborn.
What Ravensong said "I needed some guidance in how to operate in the adult world" is really practical advice. There is money available and programs, but you have to know how to access them. Maybe just having someone to "walk them through the paperwork" and show them how to claim their rights as adults would help with decision-making?

[radagk]

The answer is I was not capable of providing for another person. Could I have done it financially, probably, but I would have had several jobs and a babysitter would have raised her. could I have done it emotionally, at 17 I have to say no I could not have - some young women out there could, I was not capable of the kind of understanding, selflessness and love a parent needs to raise a person. I wish I were at 17, I am not sure at 45 I am, but I know I am investing everything I have in raisisng children - I would not have done that at 17!

[JustPeachy]

It was not an issue of "if only I had support" for me. I had my obstetrician pressuring me to go on welfare and get child support from the baby's father. I didn't want to do that. My mom was a widow with teenage kids at home. It was not an option for me to bring a baby home, but I did not and still do not hold that against my mother. I was working, a very low paying job, but I did have insurance. I was not ready to be out on my own, completely independent, with a child. I would have had to work another job at least, the baby's father was not working so there goes child support, and besides, I didn't want to be fighting with him over money and visitation issues. He would not be someone I would entrust to watch my child, either. I would have had to work more than one job, find child care (another expense), and not have much time to spend with my son. I would have been stressed to the limits, financially, emotionally, every which way. I really don't understand when people say these situations are temporary. In many cases they are not, and I'm not talking about putting designer labels on my kid, or having expensive toys, though I will admit, I did want things for my son that I couldn't provide, opportunities for good schooling, exploring his talents, travel, etc. But if I was mature enough and ready to parent, and had a stable partner, I'd have been ok with just the just the basics. I have nothing against single parents, but it is not something I would have wanted to pursue on my own intentionally. As it was, it would have been a huge struggle for both me and my son for many, many years. I was already struggling to make ends meet while living at home, I cannot imagine how that situation would improve with a child to care for in the manner that I wanted him cared for (i.e. with a sense of stability, to have more than to just be scraping by all the time, to have parents who were emotionally ready to be parents, etc.). I had a number of friends at the time raising kids as single parents (teenagers). Every one that I knew ended up leaving the kids with their moms while they continued to go out with their friends. Essentially, the grandmothers raised the children, and in every case, there was tension in these situations and lots of drama. I grew up in a tense household as well and I just wanted a peaceful environment for my son with a great degree of stability. He got that in his parents, and I suppose I was very fortunate, as I have heard stories of aparents who were not so great. I couldn't have asked for better.

To be honest with you, even if I won the lottery, I don't know if I would have parented. It was about so much more than money to me. It was about wanting a stable life for my son with opportunities I wanted him to have that I couldn't have provided, then or even now. I wasn't remotely in that place emotionally, maturity-wise, in addition to financially, and for me, I did want a two parent family. So considering all I wanted for my son, this was the best option.

I guess I was lucky because I did get counselling, I didn't feel my agency coerced me, my mom didn't force me, and I knew myself well enough to know that I wasn't ready. That was the reality. I have thought about "what if" scenarios, but I don't find that helpful as I had to work with what was, not what might have been or what maybe remotely not-too-likely could be happening two or three or 10 years from now. I think radagk summed it up nicely, actually.