[WhiteTiger07]

Last year I had an unplanned pregnancy and decided to give the child up for an open adoption to a family that i spoke with. I did all of the process pretty much on my own with the help of my agency and a few friends but none from my family.

I got a family the day before I gave birth and all seemed to be going well. I signed the papers a couple of days later and well things started to get a little uneasy.

I was very keen on having the adoptive family invovled with as much of the birth process as possible and was so happy that I had found a family.

I had chosen an open adoption because I could not take the fact of not knowing what was going on with the child I gave birth to. I filled out all the appropraite paperwork to have as much contact with the child as I possibly could through the agency.

Then me and the adoptive family decided through verbal agreements that we would have more cantact than that and that I would be refered to as my child's mother until my child decided whether or not she wanted to call me mother or by my first name.

I was completely okay with everything until the past few emails I got from the adoptive mother. She now uses the nickname I had for my daughter and thinks that she wants to use the disney theme that I picked out, so that my daughter would know things that I got her, for a new theme to the nursery. She is using the same disney theme for her first bday party.

The adoptive mother thinks that it is hard for me the refer to the child I had as my daughter and that she is now the child's mother instead of mom like we all argeed on.

I am not to sure on how to approach this because both the adoptive mother and I love the child dearly and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize contact with the child(my daughter)

I also don't know if by me refering to her as my child or daughter is wrong because she technacially is my daughter because I gave birth to her.

It just seems as if the adoptive mother is going back on what we argeed on in the beginning and trying to push me away from the child or make it extemely hard for me to have any connection with the child at all except for biologically.

If some of the birthmothers and adoptive parents could help me out I would really apprecaite it because I am not sure on how to proceed with out making the situation worse and I want to be able to still be invovled in the child's life.

Should I step back and let it go or approach the situation and explain how I feel about everything.

Should I give up titles like mother, my daughter, and the nicknames that I have for her.

I just don't know some one please help any advice that will help me deal with this is greatly appreciated.

thank you

[HBV]

I am not entirely sure I understand, but the way I'm reading this is that you don't like the fact that the amom is calling your daughter by the nickname you also use for her, and that you want the adoptive mother to be called "mom" instead of the child's mother.

This sounds like it is a painful process for you, and I hope you have found a way to get some counseling through it.

I'm an amom and I can tell you that I do not really mind when H's bmom refers to him as "her son", though it did startle me a little the first time I heard her do that. I agree w/ you that a birthmother is a mother as well.

That being said, the amom is the parent now, and she
gets to make the decisions about what she calls her daughter, how she will decorate the nursery and what the birthday party themes will be. That is part of parenting, and that's what you chose her to do.

Your post suggests that she wants to use the nickname and nursery theme to honor your presence in her daughter's life, so I am not sure what it is about her actions that bothers you. Did you NOT want her to use that nickname or theme?

It does sound like it might be a good idea for the two of you to talk openly, especially as to what names you and the child will use to refer to one another.

However, I think also that you have to be realistic in your understanding that while this is an open relationship, parenting calls are the amom's.

I hope I haven't totally misunderstood your post. Good luck!

[Scatterbrain]

My heart hurts for you. In the beginning of Open Adoption there are many raw emotions and issues that need to be talked over and shared openly. The title thing can be a sticky one. How do you feel about the title-First Mom? I think it includes both of you as the mothers--First Mom and Mom.

[WhiteTiger07]

The thing with the nicknames and theme was that that was going to be how my daughter recongized me. Things I would buy or get her would have that theme so she in later years could be like "my mother or birthmother (what ever she choses to call me) bought me that"

As far as the nickname it was a discreet way for me to refer to my daughter without the entire world knowing especially my family that I had a child. I am not ashamed of her but I don't feel that my family and others are ready to know that I was pregnant and made decisions without their consent.

The theme I picked was one that I felt comfortable with and that my daughter has been surrounded by since she left the hospital. I bought her outfit that she wore home first stuff animal and blanket according to that theme.

I know that the parenting calls are left up to the amom but it feels like she is trying to take the connections i have away or make them her. I can understand were she is coming from but I am not quite sure that she understands it from my point of view. That even though this is hard for her it is harder for me because there are just certain things because of the decisions I made I will not be invovled with or be albe to see my daughter do.

I really just want me and the aparnets to have the best relationship possible and to havethe best relationship possible with my daughter.

Thanks for the advice though it is putting some things into perspective for me and helping me figure out a way to approach this situation.

[WhiteTiger07]

I don't have a problem with having the title of first mom or mother. But I don't want my title to continue to change just becuase the amom feels differently a few weeks down the road. It is not good for me or my daughter.

We had had a discussion back when my daughter was first born and it was agreed that I would be introduced an know as her mother and the aparents would be mom and dad or mommy and daddy. Then when she was old enough to understand she could make the decision on what she wanted to call me.

but now it seems as if the amom feels that she doesn't want that anymore or she feels threatened and is trying to take all the connections I have left with my daughter away.

I am just trying to figure what to say and how to react without making the situation anyworse or causing more problems that will make the relationship between the aparetns and my daughter much worse and unfixable.

Thanks for the post I appreciate it.

[kakuehl]

White Tiger, I'm probably not the right person to answer you, because I'm a birthmom from a very closed adoption. Unfortunately, the reality is often very different from what we thought it would be. The emotions after birth and after adoption are stronger than we expect. The sense of loss we experience is deeper, etc. When talking to you baby's mom make sure to use "I" messages. (I'm feeling confused, hurt, etc. because I thought we'd decided x, y, z) Try to be ready/willing for ongoing negotiations.

Look for posts by Thanksgivingmom. I know there are others, but she is a first mom whose family does not know of her daughter's existance. She is also in an open adoption.

[WhiteTiger07]

Thanks I have been using I messages alot but I am not sure I am getting my point across. I want her to understand how I feel and how hard it is for me to have decided to give my child to her.

I think that sometimes she feels as if she did this all on her own or doesn't want me communicating with her because it is a continual reminder that she did not do it all on her own and have all of the biological experiences that come with the pregnancy and child birth.

I know it is hard for her and very hard to adjust to and all I want to know is what is okay for me to do and say and what isn't, because the last way I want to come across as is offensive.

or to continually have to go through issues such as this because it will only make the situation worse and the relationship harder.

I really do thank you for the advice though and the post it is really helping to have comments from outside of the situation and is very comforting to know that there are ways to go about this without being mean or making the situation worse.

[Oceans]

I don't have a problem with having the title of first mom or mother. But I don't want my title to continue to change just becuase the amom feels differently a few weeks down the road. It is not good for me or my daughter.

We had had a discussion back when my daughter was first born and it was agreed that I would be introduced an know as her mother and the aparents would be mom and dad or mommy and daddy. Then when she was old enough to understand she could make the decision on what she wanted to call me.

I too am from the closed era so I don't have first hand experience in talking to adoptive parents when in comes to their child however, I did want to say that the nickname and the themes were great ideas on your part. A way to maintain a special connection with your child and I don't blame you a bit for wanting to keep it between your child and yourself.

Is there a possibility that the amom thinks she is honoring your connection by choosing that as a theme and a nickname? Maybe she forgot the reason behind both and a gentle but straightforward reminder would put things back on track. I would also state how much you value the relationship with her which is why you need to clear the air.

This is a tough one. ((Hugs))

[kelceesmom]

Amom here, not that that is relevant, but as a person I would want your honesty period. It would not be a healty relationship if we couldn't be honest.

I can't say anything for you amom because I don't know the depth of your relationship but from what you write it seems that you are able to communicate very well. So, that for me is what it comes down to, communication. And I guess you just have to be prepared for anything that she might say. I'm sorry that you are having turmoil but it sounds like if you don't bring this up it will start eating away at you. Good luck.

[loveajax]

Whitetiger, did you agree that the baby would call you "mother" and her "mom"? I guess I could see myself still "referring" to myself as a mother (I am an amom) in conversations. (sorry, I'm confused).

I think it is lovely that you want to have some "special" themes and nicknames for your child. I also wonder if the amom feels like she is "honoring" you by using those (even though you feel she is "honing" in on you). So I think you just need to "gently" remind her of what you had agreed to and tell her how you feel, etc. (Easy for me to say, I have a hard time sometimes telling DD's birth mom things I want to say!)

I don't know how old your child is, but I found that the most "misunderstandings" between DD's birth mom and I seemed to happy earliest in our relationship. It hopefully will get better. Good luck!

[Lilly's Mommy]

Another amom here chiming in...

I think you should continue the open communication with her as you've been doing. It could be that she is feeling insecure as this child's mom (I know I sure felt that way at first) and therefore "clinging" too tightly to the title of mother. It is SO hard to iron out the reality of these feelings after placement, but it is absolutely possible.

These forums were a tremendous help to me in growing (read: dealing with my issues) through the first year of our OA.

[belleinblue1978]

Whitetiger, I'm a firstmom/adopted adult. I placed my kiddo into an open adoption nearly four years ago. My parents didn't know about him until he was about a year and a half old. I thought they would be unsupportive, hurt, all kinds of things. They weren't. The open adoption is REALLY hard for them because my dad thinks that they are wrong and that I am interfering (even though they aren't and I don't) and my mom is struggling with finding her place in all of it. I wish I would have told them to start with. I could have had their support all that time that I was struggling.

Ok, on to communication with your child's adoptive mom. I am called by my first name and that is that. I don't have a say in that matter. Sure it kinda sucks, but what can I do? Not a whole heck of alot. I'm not his mom, I gave up the right to be called that, it was my choice and I have to put on the big girl panties and accept that.

The nickname thing, talk to her about it gently. Say something like I realize you are trying to honor me but that is something that I like to have with my child and not share. No need to hurt her feelings, just be nice.

The nursery, it is her house, you can't do much about it. I know that sucks, trust me I do, but work on letting that one go... even if it takes five years.

[Howdy]

I'm an adoptive mother. I think the amom needs a few years to get secure and deal with entitlement issues. I can't imagine making an agreement that my daughter would call her bmom 'mother' and me 'mom'. I guess that is okay with stepmothers, but I went from feeling hopefully a mom, to jealously a mom, to fiercely THE mom. But now after about 4 years I am sometimes a little relaxed about my daughter having another mother, but I still regularly point out to her that I am her mother, that she is a member of the family etc.

But, I adopted her from foster care (had her as a foster child when she was 7 yrs old, adopted her when she was 9yrs old after she was placed with me again when she was 8 yrs old and now she is 11), so our dynamic is very different.

But I still think it is normal for amoms to get possessive for a while. Although it may be very painful to you, I think it shows that your daughter is in a healthy relationship, that her mom is truly stepping into that position of being her mom. An attached mom is not going to want anything that threatens the attachment. When the amom gets to the point that she KNOWs in her heart that nothing will be able to threaten the attachment she can relax. How to get to that point I don't know. I am more relaxed but I am still not at all interested in sharing my daughter with her bmom. I know I will have to once my daughter is an adult, but I hope she will be closer with me than with her bmom. Of course, if her bmom hadn't hurt her so badly and allowed her to be hurt, maybe I'd feel less hostile.

[browneyes0707]

Tiger:

I think I know where you are coming from (and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). Your point is you and a-mom agreed on things prior to birth and then suddenly, it's after the fact and the things you agreed on are being changed. Some can argue where or who the title of mom belongs, but as you see it, you agreed to be called yellow and the a mom was OK, now her a-mom wants to be called yellow too. And you wonder if these things are changing, who's to say that everything wont change, and if you don't address it now, does it set a precedent for the remainder of the childs life?

I understand that concern to want to address it now, early on. I would communicate that to her as best as you can. I agree she may just see certain things (ie: the nickname) as honoring you and not infringing on you. Relationships are give and take, my advice tho is to pick the battles that are important to you. If you begin to nit pick on every decision she makes, she may begin to see that as co-parenting and begin to resent the relationship. (Not that you're doing that, but just remember that sometimes you have to concede certain things for the greater good of the relationship)

And I have a semi-open adoption that my family does not know about yet, so I understand that aspect of it. I wish you luck on your journey (((hugs)))

[thanksgivingmom]

Hi Tiger, I'm the Thanksgivingmom that Kathy mentioned in her previous post. I am in an open adoption with my daughters Mom and my family do not know I had a child, for it sounds like largely the same reasons as your secrecy: I do not believe that my parents would support my decision to place. I certainly know how the secrecy can complicate things...

I also can really understand your concerns about your childs Mom changing things that you had discussed before the adoption took place. Whether or not they are her parenting decisions to make (birthday parties, etc.) is not the point if I'm reading this correctly. Yes, they are her parenting decisions to make, no one can argue that, but it can be very hurtful to have things changed and know that there is nothing really that you can do about it.

I think Brown gave some great advice - address the issues that are of importance to you, and unfortunately, realize that we have to let go of some things (if for no other reason than that they will drive us crazy if we don't.)

Best of luck to you!