[WhiteTiger07]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Whitetiger, did you agree that the baby would call you "mother" and her "mom"? I guess I could see myself still "referring" to myself as a mother (I am an amom) in conversations. (sorry, I'm confused).

I did not agree with the amom to be called mom and mother. Originally I was to be known as mother and her and her husband to be mom and dad or mommy and daddy. Then when my child got older she would decide if she wanted to call me mother, mom, by my name or what not.

And I do not have a problem with the amom wanting that title or to have them all but I do feel that she should not have agreed to one thing and then change her mind down the road. And that she should have came to me sooner if she had a problem and not use a special occasion as a time to bring it up.

I love my DD to death and I am very happy with the decision that I made and the family that i picked. I love them too and trustthem 100% in parenting my DD.

I have come to the conclusion that my main concern is that years down the road I am going to see or talk to my DD and not know how to explain who I am or that she will absolutely hate me because she feels that I let go of her completely and don't care about her. Which is absolutely not true but you never know what how she would feel about the situation and her just blame me for everything.

I am thankful for the adivce though I guess I just have to bring this up before it goes to far and we can't go back and fix it.

[WhiteTiger07]

The nursery, it is her house, you can't do much about it. I know that sucks, trust me I do, but work on letting that one go... even if it takes five years.

I don't really have a problem with the nursery thing except for the fact I can't determine whether or not she is trying to hinder or honor me and that is my problem.

THanks for the advice though hopefully this will all be resolved soon.

[WhiteTiger07]

Thanksgivingmom,

That is what I want to try and explian to her without hurting her feelings. That although all of the paretning calls are hers to make. Some of the things she is doing is hurting my feeling and that it is not exactly the easiest thing for me to deal with either. But I don't wnat to come across like this is all about me or that I don't car how she feels. I don't know I guess will figure out a way.

Thanks for the advice it's comforting to have someone esle with some of the same reasons for OA as me.

I hope your relationship with your amom and child is okay and I wish you the best of luck with everything you do.

[WhiteTiger07]

Hey everyone thanks for all of the advice it is really going to help me figure out a way to deal with this.

I hope all of you have a great day. And I wish all of you the best of luck with everything that you do.

[agathaj]

WhiteTiger07, I have been in an OA and my bchild is 17 and trust me they will grow up to know who you are without the need for the mother title. I have always been called by my first name which is what we all wanted at the beginning but bchld knows I am her bmother. I would focus more on what you do with your bchild on visit. ie getting down on the floor and playing with her/him every time you get a visit, as bchild gets older send little cards, stickers, photos etc stuff that they will remember in the long term rather than worrying about details with the aparents. My bchild's parents are THE PARENTS, there is no confusion after years of visits etc over that role and during the teenaged years I can see, feel that even more so. It's tough to accept but adoption is forever. The aparents are the parents forever and we bparents just have to accept and live with that and pray that the aparents are loving and do their best. In my situation that is what has happened and I am grateful for that...I don't stress over the little things anymore. BTW it is tough I think for the first 3-5 years in an OA for both sides to settle in to their rrelationship with each other. My only advice is to focus on our bchild. Also I hear other people picking up and using the nicknames I have for my kept children.

[MamaS]

"I got a family the day before I gave birth and all seemed to be going well. I signed the papers a couple of days later and well things started to get a little uneasy."
Am I reading that you only had contact with the family one day before birth? If so, then there may be a great many areas that you need to talk about. Unless you have some written agreements what you think you both agreed to and what they think you both agreed to may be very different things!
As an a-mother, I would say that I hold the title of Mother, Mom, Mommy, Mama, etc. depending on my child's need and mood. When she refers to the "other mother" it is Birthmom or Savadoran Mom or Mama CeeCee -- but not the "M-word".

[Howdy]

The more I think about it, the less I can see how it could work to use 'mother' for one mother and 'mom' for the other. It would be like the old Abbot and Costello Who's on First What's on Second: 'Is your mother picking you up today?' 'No' 'Is your dad picking you up?' 'No, my mom's picking me up.' 'Okay, stay here with the three-yr-old-class until your mother gets here' 'My mother isn't coming' 'Didn't you say your mom was picking you up?' 'Yes'

[belleinblue1978]

Howdy,

I don't think this is so much about what people are called but the fact that promises were made that aren't being kept. That hurts, I think every person in the world can identify with that. If we don't want something to be one way we shouldn't say it will be that way.

Whitetiger,

I know what crappy position you are in. How to say things nicely and still get your point across.... I'm going to think on it some more tonight at work!

[agathaj]

I think what happens is that everyone thinks it will be a certain way and that they will be able to handle things that way and they agree to it and then REALITY HITS HARD and suddenly amother is maybe thinking - I don't want her to be called mother or she decided that decorating the baby's room in a style you like would be nice for everyone - esp for the bmother - who knows what is going on in people's heads? But I have to say I had expectations and needs and wants and I thought things would go certain ways and it's been nothing like that and THEN you have to factor in bchild and what SHE wants and will decide. She may call you a totally different name than what you expect. I try to think what it would be like to be an AP and I just can't imagine what would be like having to consider an bmother Or being adopted and having to consider bfamily and afamily...Welcome to probably the most difficult emotinal relationship in your life where there are no guidelines and the goalposts frequently change and things are very much outside of your control...

[WhiteTiger07]

i would like this thread to be closed please....

[poohbear1025611]

I'm a bmom and i dont really know how to help you on how to fix it but if you want i can talk to my sons amom and ask her how to deal with it? just let me know. i hope i can help.

[Mommy2131227]

In my situation our son is refered to as OURS. I brought him into this world, but they're raised him. He's 11 now, but they've raised him from a young age to know that he had a bigger family that most children and was extremley lucky to have so many people that love him. Since they were telling him all of this at a fairly young age, they refer to me as his tummy mommy.

I would agree with other posters that if you want to have this open adoption then you need to be open with all of your emotions. I strongly beleive that is what the amom would want from you as well. If you don't tell her how you're feeling about this it will continue to snowball into bigger things. Don't delay in addressing it with her!

[specialk4b]

Closed at Original Poster's request