[loveajax]

I have posted before that DD's birth mom does not want to tell her kids that DD is her DD, etc. I have tried to talk to DD's birth mom about how important it is for us that DD is not a secret, etc. but she basically says her family can never find out.

We have a visit coming up in a couple of months and I was thinking about either suggesting a book or bringing a book to the visit called Sam's Sister. It's not totally on point (in fact, I will have to get it myself) but it is the story of a mom telling her child about the sibling she is placing for adoption.

I am sort of at my wit's end. I do understand DD's birth parents' dilemna, but DD is getting older (and smarter) and I just feel funny. I also really love her older sister and I feel "weird" that she doesn't know and that we are sort of a "party" to that??? I'm also wondering whether DD herself will say something that will "spill the beans" at the visit...not sure if her older sister (5.5) would be old enough to pick up on something that my then 3 year old DD could say?

Anyway, would suggesting or bringing the book be a bad thing? I'm kind of thinking it's rude on my part, but I really want to do whatever I can. I also don't like "ultimatums" but I don't know what to do. Thanks!

[kelceesmom]

I'm not sure I would do that myself. In talking with dd's bparent does she not understand that your daughter is being explained that she is adopted and that these people are x&x and this is how they are related to you?

Your daughter is eventually going to say something unintentional and then what? Good luck.

[Oceans]

I don't know... I kind of think you should. You are tactful enough to apologize while handing it too her This seems so important. Maybe if she understands there is an "easy" way to brooch the topic... It doesn't have to be a "big" talk...

I respect your DD's first mom's opinions, but maybe she doesn’t understand the long term ramifications (??)

[Scatterbrain]

We have a similar situation. DD was 4 mo. old when she came to live with us as her cradle care family. Thankfully she ended up being a part of our forever family. We started with a VERY open adoption, which was welcomed by both DD's first mom and by us. At that time DD's 1st mom did not tell us she was pregnant with #3. #1 child was 5 yrs old and hated us for "stealing" her little sister. Months after the adoption-DD's 1st mom married baby #3's father and moved in with his family. They did not tell his family that DD even exists. This is what she said when child #1 brought DD up in front of other family-- Child #1 "I have a sister, but I don't get to see her any more." First Mom "You don't have a sister and we will never talk about it again."
We visit with the great grandparents once or twice a year and have not seen DD's 1st Mom since DD was 11 months old. I continue to send letters and photos as promised, but only once or twice a year now because she said she would accept them but probably not open them and I do not want to cause her any more grief. We just leave the door open.
Her 1st daughter who she has since relinquished custody to another family member of course remembers DD. Her other two children no nothing about her.
I believe someday she will open up again and want to meet DD. I know that DD has a desire to meet her.

I don't think I would do it if the firstmom is not open to it. I would give her time. It is a tough place to be in.

[HBV]

Loveajax, can you send it to her ahead of time w/ a note? I agree w/ you 100% that somehow the situation must be addressed, and that you have to keep DD's interests the top priority. I don't know if I would give her the book AT the visit if her other kids are there.

The minute they see it's a kid's book, they'll want to look at it and bmom may feel put on the spot. Maybe it would be better to let her absorb it first herself before your visit. I think the book's a good idea---it gives her a concrete way to broach a tough topic w/ her parented children. I just wouldn't give it to her w/ the kids there.

[loveajax]

If I send her the book BEFORE the visit, should I send an email first..."I am going to be sending you a book. I know that we have talked about you telling DD, etc., and I know you said you are not comfortable...I just wanted to send you a book to read that may "help" you if you decide to tell?" I mean, I guess that's my dilemna: she's already told me her decision for now is no?? I don't want to pressure her. I also don't think she's fully "picturing" the future if she doesn't tell because well, I know how I am, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?!

Thanks for all the thoughts, guys. DH (who of course handles none of the contact...uggg) is "pushing" me to try to resolve this and he's aggravating the c.rap out of me. I keep saying I can only be responsible for my own actions and decisions...ack!

[Scatterbrain]

If you are going to send the book I would just send it, including a card maybe saying that you know she does not want to discuss this now, but that you found this book and thought it would be a great opener when she chooses to share the adoption with her children. That would be a gentle nudge while still allowing her to make the decisions she needs to make for her family either way she chooses.

[loveajax]

Scatterbrain, I LIKE IT!!! Thank you! (I'm clearly not getting enough sleep these days!).

[Scatterbrain]

Good luck with it. I hope she decides to tell them. Honesty is so very important in an open adoption but it is equally important to respect her wishes and allow her to to make her own parenting decisions even when they are not as you would choose. Best Wishes!!

[startedover]

I got that book for my DD birth mom and may be getting for another mother placing a second child. You may have read a post I placed this weekend about 1/2 bios. Well my DD's 1/2 brothers found out this weekend (a year after placement) that my DD is in fact their 1/2 sister. Their mom preceeded to chew me out for letting it happen (even though it was her father that did it) After I calmed her down I explained that we can play this anyway she wants but I will not LIE to MY daughter and one reason for that (outside of I don't lie to my kids) is that I don't want 15 years down the road her hearing it and then I have an angry teen on my hands. If you all know that ANYONE else knows besides the immediate people, EVENTUALLY her DD will find out. I know you know that but maybe if you present it to her in that light and that she may have an angry child that felt betrayed down the road, maybe she will see the goodness in honestly. Good luck

[loveajax]

Thank you again, everybody.

Started, do you have an OA with visits? With the sibs? Well, I'm glad the beans were spilled (and you weren't the one spilling!). Did you think Sam's Sister was a good book?

It is definitely a parenting decision on their part. I know that. But it also affects parenting decisions on our part, kwim? And I really want to continue visits...we enjoy them (and I know DD will love especially this year seeing her older and younger sisters).