[KatiesEd-dad]

I really need some input from the first mom side of the triad and please, no flaming, I'm not trying to stir something up, I'm just trying to understand my DD first mom.

A little history. Our DD's first mom wanted a closed adoption but did not have a problem giving us identifying information. We have our DD's original BC with K's SS# on it, we had her name, address and phone number as well. She did want photos and updates sent to her father and gave us his address to send them to, not using the agency as an intermediary. We eventually met and formed a relationship with the birth grandparents that was going well until recently.

Now for my question. I need to hear some of the reasons that a first mom would not want any contact or to meet my DD, DW or myself. She is able to see the pictures of our DD on the website I have set up and has gotten updates through her parents. I'm having a hard time fathoming why, given the opportunity, that she would not want to see our DD (especially knowing that it might ease some rejection issues that our DD might have later in life). I'm not pointing fingers here, I just want to see if I'm missing something in the bigger picture. Of course, being my DD's parent, I could not imagine why any one would not want to be around such a beautiful, loving, smart and giving child.

I've read a lot of posts on these forums from first moms who would love to be part of their child's life but are either being shut out by the a-parents or were never presented the option in the first place. It just seems strange to me that after two years she would still want absolutely no contact. (BTW, we've respected her wishes and have not contacted her directly. She has sent things to us through her parents and visa versa.)

Anyhow, your input would be appreciated.
Thanks,

[quantum]

A possibility, it's just too painful.

I'm from the closed adoption era, so I didn't have the option at the time. It still was painful!

I wish you all the best in your quest for answers.

[lahdh4]

It could be really painful for her. I still have a hard time after a visit but I continue on. Some are not able to handle all the emotions after a visit and a way of protecting themselves is to not visit.
I know I love it when I get pictures and updates. It reassures me that she is fine and all is well. Visits do the same thing but it is just a little harder especially seeing her run up to someone else and call them Mom.

[SchmennaLeigh]

It could be, honestly, too hard for her. She could have also been conditioned to believe that she has nothing to offer her child via a relationship or that it would be confusing (or enter any number of stereotypical beliefs about openness here).

Have you point-blank written a letter to ask the point-blank question? If not, I suggest doing so in a non-confrontational tone. Say that you're not angry or upset, just wanting to know the why's.

[InBlindFaith]

Keep in mind each Birth / First Mother is different. There could be a number of reason as to why she is keeping her distance.

My suggestion is...write her letter (and send it through her parents) and let her know that you would love for her to be a part of DD's life and then ask her what it is that is keeping her away. It never hurts to ask!!!

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

It could be, honestly, too hard for her. She could have also been conditioned to believe that she has nothing to offer her child via a relationship or that it would be confusing (or enter any number of stereotypical beliefs about openness here).

Have you point-blank written a letter to ask the point-blank question? If not, I suggest doing so in a non-confrontational tone. Say that you're not angry or upset, just wanting to know the why's.

I completely agree with Jenna on this one. The bmom could also be punishing herself, or feel that she doesn't deserve to know her child. I think the best possible thing is for you to just ask her point-blank, like Jenna suggested.

[KatiesEd-dad]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Have you point-blank written a letter to ask the point-blank question? If not, I suggest doing so in a non-confrontational tone. Say that you're not angry or upset, just wanting to know the why's.

Thanks for the replies..

Jenna, my DW wrote her a letter several months ago at the suggestion of Brenda R. and though we've heard back through her parents that she has read it, there have been no replies as of yet.

We only know of her what we have been told by others so it's hard to come up with a picture of what this young lady is like. One thing that sticks in my craw is that someone on these forums here once said that placing a child for adoption should be the option of last resort. The thing that bothers me in our case is that the our first mom's parents offered to help her parent and support her emotionally and financially until she finished college and was able to make it on her own. According to the her parents and our agency's pregnancy counselor , she wanted to have nothing to do with that. She was firm set on closed adoption and has never looked back. I do think there were some preconceived notions on her part about what adoption should be (read closed era adoptions). We're not trying to force ourselves on her and we are certainly going to respect her privacy. If she doesn't want contact, then we won't contact her.

I've had this gut feeling that she views the birth of our DD as a giant mistake in her life and that it was a great disappointment to her parents. When I look at my DD, I can't fathom how anyone could view her as a mistake. I'm not saying this is what is true, it's just a feeling that I get. That's why we would really like to meet her or even just talk to her. It would answer a lot of these questions for us.

[Jackiejdajda]

KatiesEd-dad wrote

We only know of her what we have been told by others so it's hard to come up with a picture of what this young lady is like. One thing that sticks in my craw is that someone on these forums here once said that placing a child for adoption should be the option of last resort. The thing that bothers me in our case is that the our first mom's parents offered to help her parent and support her emotionally and financially until she finished college and was able to make it on her own.

She may have had issues with her parents..
I have corresponded with women that did not want thier parents to parent.. their child..
Who knows what is going on in that family.. what we show to the world is very different from what may be happening..
Also if you are dealing with the birthgrandparents.. you are dealing with them.. and not the birthmom..

According to the her parents and our agency's pregnancy counselor , she wanted to have nothing to do with that. She was firm set on closed adoption and has never looked back. I do think there were some preconceived notions on her part about what adoption should be (read closed era adoptions). We're not trying to force ourselves on her and we are certainly going to respect her privacy. If she doesn't want contact, then we won't contact her.

You don’t know what you don’t know..


I love that saying

I've had this gut feeling that she views the birth of our DD as a giant mistake in her life and that it was a great disappointment to her parents.

You get pregnant and if you do not want to raise the child.. solve it you must.
I admire this woman.. I honestly do.

When I look at my DD, I can't fathom how anyone could view her as a mistake.

My getting pregnant was a mistake.. I had a problem I had to solve..
The baby was not a person at that time.. The baby was a pregnancy..
I am from the closed era.. and I walked away from all of it..
No emotions.. all put away for a rainy day..

When my bson became 21 I knew I was going to have to sort a few things.. and sort I did..
As someone posted .. we all do it different..
I do not think I could have done open..

I can remember one birthmom posting in another place that she had an open adoption and what really took her out was when she came home from work and looked at her messages there was a message from her birthson.. of him laughing.. and being happy on the phone..
I can relate..
When I reunited with my bson their phone message was my bson and his boys saying.. words that were wonderful.. and happy.

As TS Eliot writes.. in The Love Songs of J. Alfred Prufrock..

“Till human voices wake us and we drown.”

Some of us hold the line.. in difficult life issues..

So DD is not a mistake.. DD is a gift from God.. and all things change..

I'm not saying this is what is true, it's just a feeling that I get. That's why we would really like to meet her or even just talk to her. It would answer a lot of these questions for us.

I say.. let her be.. Give her the benefit of the doubt..

And I know when I went into reunion.. with my bson.. and birthgrandbabies.. I would tell myself on a regular basis..
Stay out of the negative thoughts..

Jackie

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by KatiesEd-dad

The thing that bothers me in our case is that the our first mom's parents offered to help her parent and support her emotionally and financially until she finished college and was able to make it on her own. According to the her parents and our agency's pregnancy counselor , she wanted to have nothing to do with that.

Obviously, I can't speak for your daughter's birth mom but I can share my experience here.

Sometime in the last few weeks leading up to the Munchkin's birth, my Mom offered to raise the Munchkin. I, obviously, did not take her up on her offer nor did I even bother to entertain the idea. While my research on adoption at the time of pregnancy was minimal due to lack of internet/etc, I knew enough to figure out that could create even bigger problems within our family. Looking back on it, I feel kind of bad that I didn't at least discuss it in detail with my parents. I, too, felt that I had disappointed them by getting pregnant. I'm able to see where those communication problems hindered any progress we could have made for either my parenting or keeping the Munchkin in family. But yeah.

I'm rambling. It's been a long week. Do forgive.

Since you've already written a letter, I'm afraid all you can do at this point is wait. It sucks, of course. I won't dispute that one! (I'm not exactly... patient!) I would encourage you not to try guessing, over and over again, what her reasons might or might not be. There are a bagillion reasons as to why she might not want contact and trying to guess will drive you bonkers.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sorry your daughter will end up dealing with this as well. Hang in.

[loveajax]

Katie'sEdDad,

I am the kind of person who wants resolution of everything I have no control of RIGHT NOW. It is so hard sometimes with adoption-related issues to realize that the place you are in right now may be so different than the place your DD's birth mom is in right now, etc. etc. and you just have to hope that maybe someday you will be in the "same place." (I love my pop psychology speak, but I mean it).

I was talking to DH today who is composing a letter to his birth mom (he was adopted in 1966). And he keeps asking me, "This isn't going to upset her, is it?" And I'm like, "heck if I know...but my very educated guess is that there are very, very few birth moms out there who aren't happy to at least know that their kids are happy and healthy." So I think it is good for you to keep sending her updates/pix, etc. and hopefully someday she will want more contact.

Also, DH sometimes cracks "jokes" about being a mistake, etc. (it sounds morbid, but my DH is very funny). I think it is really important to realize that there is NO way Katie's birth mom thinks she is a mistake....she may have regrets about getting pg, placing the baby for adoption, etc., but I am positive she loves Katie, and if she doesn't have contact with Katie directly, you will be responsible for making sure Katie knows that love.

I like that saying someone mentioned, "you don't know what you don't know." And I remember you saying that the birth gparents have not really stepped up to the plate for Katie, so, even tho they may say they did for their DD, they probably did not!

Hang in there.

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm not going to lie. DD's conception was a mistake. An accident. Something I NEVER meant to happen. Having said that, I carried a beautiful baby to term, gave birth to her, and love her to death! That was not a mistake. That was a plan.

As for visits. Visits are HARD. I've been whining about not getting one for months. I've been begging her amom and the SW to deem me ready for one. I've thrown myself pity parties for not having a visit sooner. And none of that changes the fact that the aftermath of a visit is impossibly hard. It can be too much for someone to deal with, and while YES DD should come first, as bparents we do still have to take care of ourselves and our well-being.

[Juliana13]

Just a thought...

Many of the responses here seem to be based on the premis that open adoption is best for the child (I'm not saying it is not), and that anything less than that has a reason, a problem. Like it is too painful, or too hard, or someone is afraid or otherwise not ready.

There are many people - (although these people are not most likely to frequent adoption baords and chat about communication between adoptive and birth families, so you might not hear their side) - that believe that mostly closed adoptions are the way to go. So you are not getting that input, but I thought I would add it here.

Maybe she is fearful, hurting too much, has issues with her parents, etc. These things may change over time. But also consider the possiblility that this is simply how she views adoption should be. At least for her. I know a few birthmothers, friends, who are healthy and happy, and prefer their closed adoptions because they honestly believe that THAT is what is best for their children. She is open to occasional information, but many people do not believe that open adoption is healthier for their children.

I am NOT starting a debate, but you wanted to understand possible reasons... Just know that there are as many CORRECT ways to view adoption as there are correct ways to raise a child. My dad is a family therapist, and has a lot of experience with adoption. Our second child's birthmother has closed the adoption, saying she is happy with us and knows M is with the family he was meant to be with, and wants no further contact. I thought at first that M might feel unloved, but talks with my dad have changed my opinion. M will only get that impression if WE give it to him. No one knows whether open adoption is any better, or if it is good for the child. It is too new to know. Sometimes it seems to be better, sometimes definitely not. As parents, adoptive and birthparents, we move forward the best way we know how, and do the best we can, with the hope and belief that what we are doing WILL be the right path for our child.

Your daughter's birthmother's not wanting to see your child has nothing to do with how cute your daughter is, or even how much she is loved by her birthmother. (It is silly to think we'd understand if she didn't want to see her ugly or boring birthchild, but this one is so cute and smart and wonderful, how could she not want to get to know her? It is irrelevant.) It may have to do with issues and pain, or it may be simply the choice she has made to do what she thinks is the right path for her, and she needs to be respected for that. So don't go on the assumption that there is a "problem" reason for her not being more open. She may be just a "closed adoption person" - and she was very clear from the beginning that that was what she wanted, so if you want it more open, then let her know you are open to it anytime she changes her mind, but then leave it alone. And let her have the adoption she chose.

As a side note: People have a problem (rightly so) with aparents wanting to have a less open adoption than they agreed with the birthparents. - Why doesn't it work the same for those who agreed to a closed adoption? If she wants it closed - unless there's an issue that needs working out - then leave it closed per her wishes. It's what you signed up for, so you need to honor that agreement. Not saying you are not, but you seem to want it more open than she does, so these are just a few thoughts that might help you understand where she is coming from. I don't know her, so of course I don't know her reasons, but just things to consider.